Author TexasCountryGirl Posted November 1, 2012 Author Posted November 1, 2012 If you had mentioned that in your first post, (her taunting you and that the court was involved) people would have had a better understanding.... How long has this been going on? How long since your d day? In Texas the divorce isn't final for 60 days after it is finalized and executed by the judge ... that 60 day period is a cooling off period (so to speak) ... I filed because my intention was to follow through. the judge mandated mediation and through mediation we begin therapy together .. I retracted the divorce on the 49th day. you asked: How long has she taunted me? Off and on since the day I confronted him and he cut ties with her! Her husband works off shore and it only seems to happen when her husband is off and gone ... like she is bored and looking to stir up problems. you also asked: what can be done to stop it? not much of anything. not from a legal standpoint anyway. she has not threatened me therefore there is no basis for a restraining order. you offered the option of: telling her husband ... I guess my views on that is although I hate her ... it's not my job to play judge or jury! If she has not come clean with her own husband ... it's only a matter of time before he finds out. she will eventually slip up. last but not least .. you are correct .. I didn't put all of the details in my original post ... I didn't think they all mattered much ... my real question was: how to let go of the anger without having to forgive her ???? I guess the bottom line is that I will never be able to let go of the anger unless I forgive her. I guess they kind of go hand in hand! Her taunting me is childish and stupid ... I feel like she does it because my husband choose to stay with me rather than leave me for her. Maybe for her she is trying to continue to stir the pot and trying to manifest a reaction out of me... which is exactly why I keep the sunshades on .. I stare straight ahead and never break down while I am in the car where she would have any chance of ever seeing me. I will not give her that pleasure or that control!
mercy Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 You've got to protect yourself. Go get a restraining order, also report it as stalking because that is what she's doing to you. Is she still married? What about informing her h? No, it's near impossible to even begin to heal with this going on. I have a permanent order in place. She is nothing to me, I pity her.
mercy Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 In Texas the divorce isn't final for 60 days after it is finalized and executed by the judge ... that 60 day period is a cooling off period (so to speak) ... I filed because my intention was to follow through. the judge mandated mediation and through mediation we begin therapy together .. I retracted the divorce on the 49th day. you asked: How long has she taunted me? Off and on since the day I confronted him and he cut ties with her! Her husband works off shore and it only seems to happen when her husband is off and gone ... like she is bored and looking to stir up problems. you also asked: what can be done to stop it? not much of anything. not from a legal standpoint anyway. she has not threatened me therefore there is no basis for a restraining order. you offered the option of: telling her husband ... I guess my views on that is although I hate her ... it's not my job to play judge or jury! If she has not come clean with her own husband ... it's only a matter of time before he finds out. she will eventually slip up. last but not least .. you are correct .. I didn't put all of the details in my original post ... I didn't think they all mattered much ... my real question was: how to let go of the anger without having to forgive her ???? I guess the bottom line is that I will never be able to let go of the anger unless I forgive her. I guess they kind of go hand in hand! Her taunting me is childish and stupid ... I feel like she does it because my husband choose to stay with me rather than leave me for her. Maybe for her she is trying to continue to stir the pot and trying to manifest a reaction out of me... which is exactly why I keep the sunshades on .. I stare straight ahead and never break down while I am in the car where she would have any chance of ever seeing me. I will not give her that pleasure or that control! Do you have a friend that would be willing to park next to her and take pictures of her and her car? 1
mercy Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 my real question was: how to let go of the anger without having to forgive her ???? The anger is a part of the grieving process. Please read this - The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief | Psych Central Hopefully you will get a better understanding of what you are going through. And no you don't have to forgive her to get rid of your anger. Two separate issues. 1
ComingInHot Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 Texas CountryGirl: Seems we have very similar stories... Younger woman But old enough to know better. Scorned because at the end of the day when this One Sided Competition comes to light, she didn't "win". Doing things, communicating things that are either truth, half truths or full out lie. Making her presence known to you you & your husband as if to remind you she has significance... Do NOT give her significance!!!! At least Not for too much longer. Every moment, every thought you give her (especially that she finds out about) you are giving her importnce. Stop the as soon a you can!!! Take the action necessary to "encourage" her to stop. (Nobody likes a "record").. as in: Have an Attorney draw up a cease and desist letter then file w/police. Any action after that by her will deem an RO. (Take it from me... it will work either way)** Now for You- Be Angry at her. That is O.K. She had NO loyalty to you & she Chose to bed your husband just as he said bring it on. In turn YOU have NO loyalty to her, you don't love her or have anything to do w/her just as she didn't you... FORGIVE HER!!! Why? Because it will become a plague w/in you that will consume and ultimately destroy you if you don't. Stay angry w/her for as long as you need. Don't ever be "friends" w/her. Forgivness does not = hugs & roses & "bff's". It WILL help you to move forward (eventually) until you don't Consider her at all. God help you I get it!!! I TOTALLY Get it!! If anything Don't give up on Yourself.
BetrayedH Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 (edited) Her betrayed husband deserves to know. Sharing the truth does not make you a judge and jury. Her husband is living a lie and you are permitting it to happen. And in doing so, you are subjecting yourself to further harassment. Go meet with the woman's husband and take whatever evidence you have with you (sounds like you have plenty). It's common for a wayward spouse to paint the other betrayed spouse as a crazy stalker so you need to show him your proof. I don't know Texas laws but typically a cease and desist order is preliminary to a restraining order even if it doesn't have much in terms of teeth. It starts the documentation process. Ask your attorney about it. I agree that you will not effectively heal until this stops. And screw the forgiveness thing. You don't need to forgive her; you need to get her extricated from your life so you can become completely indifferent to her. The goal is to give her absolutely 0% of your headspace. You can't do that until she is effectively out of your life. Edited November 2, 2012 by BetrayedH 2
Tara247 Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 For her: *** I pray that I am there when the day comes and Karma returns for HER! *** I pray that I will have the opportunity to watch HER life fall apart and be destroyed the way that mine was. *** I pray that the hurt and the pain that she feels will be 10 times what I was forced to deal with. The short version of the story: after 16 years of marriage .... my husband had an affair with a 22 year old GIRL (she was not a woman ... she was a child!) This occurred almost 2 1/2 years ago. Things have not been easy but we are managing to take one day at a time and trying to re-build. This single event destroyed my entire life. Everything that I thought was "truth" was no all of a sudden a "lie"! Over time, little by little I have learned to forgive my husband. I know he regrets it ... he wishes he could take it back ... I know that he loves me. every now and then the anger comes back and I will lash out at him. He will stand there and take it ... and when I am finished he will tell me how sorry he is for the bad decisions that he made. He takes it because he says he deserves it. Anyway point being is that over time the anger over all of this when it comes to him has subsided. the anger for her however HAS NOT! I hate this girl with every ounce of me! Will I ever be normal again? Will I ever be able to let go of this anger? I will never forgive her ... so does that mean I must carry the weight of this hatred with me for the rest of my life? Texas, you need to forgive her because it was not her fault that your husband cheated on you, it was his. He made marriage vows to you, she didn't. He chose to dip his stick into her honeypot, she didn't force himto by holding a gun to his head, did she? If not, lay the blame at your husband's feet and leave it there.
frozensprouts Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 personally, i'm a big believer in the idea that we should treat our fellow human beings with dignity and respect and not hurt them. your husband's ex other woman had an affair with a man she knew was married, and she's married herself, so one would think she'd have some idea of how that sort of a betrayal could feel...both she and your husband are equally responsible for the affair... as for hating her, i totally understand why you feel that way and while it's not wrong to feel such anger, think of it this way... who is your anger really hurting? it's not hurting her, in fact, she may well take pleasure in the fact that you're hurting....don't give that to her...as the saying goes "the best revenge is to live well and be happy"- so if you're starting to feel happy with your husband again, let the world know, go out with him and enjoy life, make new memories together...don't let her rob you of any more of your time or happiness...it will take time, but one day you'll realize you haven't thought about her in a while, and in that place, you'll find peace and happiness
2sure Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 I don't call it karma but do believe she will learn her lesson the hard way, which for some of us is the only way that works. You said you dont want to tell her husband because you don't want to be her judge and jury. In light of your feelings for her and that you want her actions to have consequence...and because his family is at stake...why on earth not tell her husband? Then you can wash your hands and mind of this. I'm thinking since they are young , you don't want to risk having a nut job show up at your door. Makes sense. If she is sitting in front of a gas station everyday to taunt you...I'd start getting gas or coffee there everyday and pretend she was invisible or ask if she gets much business that early in the morning. You know, make it a fun thing. 3
Tara247 Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 I don't call it karma but do believe she will learn her lesson the hard way, which for some of us is the only way that works. You said you dont want to tell her husband because you don't want to be her judge and jury. In light of your feelings for her and that you want her actions to have consequence...and because his family is at stake...why on earth not tell her husband? Then you can wash your hands and mind of this. I'm thinking since they are young , you don't want to risk having a nut job show up at your door. Makes sense. If she is sitting in front of a gas station everyday to taunt you...I'd start getting gas or coffee there everyday and pretend she was invisible or ask if she gets much business that early in the morning. You know, make it a fun thing. Oh, Hell yeah!
freestyle Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 I'd start getting gas or coffee there everyday and pretend she was invisible or ask if she gets much business that early in the morning. You know, make it a fun thing. And smile, wave, & blow her a kiss.......... Which will demonstrate that she's not intimidating you , like she's hoping to.
Snowflower Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 I don't call it karma but do believe she will learn her lesson the hard way, which for some of us is the only way that works. You said you dont want to tell her husband because you don't want to be her judge and jury. In light of your feelings for her and that you want her actions to have consequence...and because his family is at stake...why on earth not tell her husband? Then you can wash your hands and mind of this. I'm thinking since they are young , you don't want to risk having a nut job show up at your door. Makes sense. If she is sitting in front of a gas station everyday to taunt you...I'd start getting gas or coffee there everyday and pretend she was invisible or ask if she gets much business that early in the morning. And smile, wave, & blow her a kiss.......... Which will demonstrate that she's not intimidating you , like she's hoping to. If I were in your shoes (and I have been at least as a BW) I think what would make so angry at least in part is the fact that I would continue to feel as if I had no control over the situation. I had no control over the decision that my H had an affair. I have no control over the nutjob/stalker OW who hangs around nearby. So if I were you, I would use some of these suggestions above to give me some control of the situation. At least as a start. Then YOU will have some control and some fun at her expense. YOU will make her uncomfortable and you aren't doing anything illegal or threatening. Like I said, it is a start. I didn't deal with a stalker xOW in my situation but I understand the feeling of having no control of what has happened. I think you will feel a lot better if you "strike back" and take some control of the situation. I would bet if you started visiting that gas station on a regular basis when she "happens" to be there--to fill up your car, buy milk, or get some coffee, whether you say something or not, you will feel a regained sense of equilibrium and control. And, it will confuse the h*ll out of her. But if it were me, I would say something snarky to her. 2
frozensprouts Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 explain what she is doing to your husband and ask him to go with you the next time, so that she will see you two together, and see that she hasn't ruined your life... I dealt with an ex other woman like yours who is a " serial other woman"...seems like part f why she does what she does is the feeling that she gets from knowing that she hurt someone else...not sure why that would appeal to anyone, perhaps she's hurting herself and likes to "spread it around"... stand up to her, be strong and show her that you still have it in you to be a happy person with a good marriage...don't let her take any more from you than she already has... 1
Summer Breeze Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 Do you have a friend that would be willing to park next to her and take pictures of her and her car? I like your style Mercy but I'd go one better. I'd probably pull up right in front of her and stand up just outside the car and take a photo myself with my phone.
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