TexasCountryGirl Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 For her: *** I pray that I am there when the day comes and Karma returns for HER! *** I pray that I will have the opportunity to watch HER life fall apart and be destroyed the way that mine was. *** I pray that the hurt and the pain that she feels will be 10 times what I was forced to deal with. The short version of the story: after 16 years of marriage .... my husband had an affair with a 22 year old GIRL (she was not a woman ... she was a child!) This occurred almost 2 1/2 years ago. Things have not been easy but we are managing to take one day at a time and trying to re-build. This single event destroyed my entire life. Everything that I thought was "truth" was no all of a sudden a "lie"! Over time, little by little I have learned to forgive my husband. I know he regrets it ... he wishes he could take it back ... I know that he loves me. every now and then the anger comes back and I will lash out at him. He will stand there and take it ... and when I am finished he will tell me how sorry he is for the bad decisions that he made. He takes it because he says he deserves it. Anyway point being is that over time the anger over all of this when it comes to him has subsided. the anger for her however HAS NOT! I hate this girl with every ounce of me! Will I ever be normal again? Will I ever be able to let go of this anger? I will never forgive her ... so does that mean I must carry the weight of this hatred with me for the rest of my life?
Just a Guy Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 Forgiving somebody really means letting go of the the hate and negativity that is eating into your entrails. Poison of that kind will do you no good. Forgive her and move on as it means that all you are really doing is freeing yourself of an albatross round your neck. Your forgiving her is not going to relieve her of any guilt that she may be carrying. Also, as you said she is a child in the sense that although she is an adult technically, she probably lacks maturity and may have got carried away with her emotions. It is your husband who is the mature person in this little charade and the blame lies more on his shoulders than on a young woman who may not have known the implications of what she was doing. Best wishes to you! 4
BetrayedH Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 Here's a good thread for you to read... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/352758-should-i-expose-om-very-public-way
Author TexasCountryGirl Posted November 1, 2012 Author Posted November 1, 2012 Forgiving somebody really means letting go of the the hate and negativity that is eating into your entrails. Poison of that kind will do you no good. Forgive her and move on as it means that all you are really doing is freeing yourself of an albatross round your neck. Your forgiving her is not going to relieve her of any guilt that she may be carrying. Also, as you said she is a child in the sense that although she is an adult technically, she probably lacks maturity and may have got carried away with her emotions. It is your husband who is the mature person in this little charade and the blame lies more on his shoulders than on a young woman who may not have known the implications of what she was doing. Best wishes to you! I know I dealt with these same anger issues with him for a long time. I think with time and from being able to express my feelings and my hurt to my husband ... it has helped me heal. I don't hold her any more responsible than I do him ... it takes two ... and they BOTH were in the wrong. maybe the difference is ... I love him ... so I have found a way to forgive him .... I have NO vested interest in her ... therefore I do not want to forgive her! (I guess that is kind of like admitting that I WANT to hate her ... I am choosing not to forgive her ... therefore I am choosing to carry the weight of the anger! RGGGHHH .. hate those double bladed knives!!!)
Decorative Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 Hate takes your energy - and she isn't worth it. I also don't think she is worth forgiveness, either. She is worth becoming nothing in your head- because you deserve better. She isn't good enough to take up precious real estate in your head. 2
Charlie Harper Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 There are 3 ways to handle this so choose your poison...or not! 1) Grab a gun kill her and spend 30 years in jail happy because you got rid of her, so you took karma in your hands so to speak. But you will be in Jail and she will be gone, your life will be destroyed by hate and anger. 2) Never forgive, be destrucive towards your Spouse, have anger for years maybe decades and risk thatin the long run your S will get tired of it and dump you. Hate is a poison you carry inside, it only affects the vessel.... so you will be miserable and win nothing by holding hate and destructive feeling towards the A. 3) Let Go, be happy that your S came to his senses ( doesnt happen that often), he is with you CHOOSE YOU, and let karma have his way with this other woman, if you are lucky life will let you know how it turns out. Life is too important to waste it hating others and hence wasting energy in your life... my .02
ilovedhim Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 OP, I was like you too... thought I would always hate and never forgive. I had an intense hate for this man who I thought was the love of my life but turned out a serial cheater. Then someone, sorry don't remebmber who, wrote in one of my threads: Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. I finally understood it months later. You'll never move on until you're able to forget, release all that anger and hate and become indifferent. 4
drifter777 Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 I see forgiveness quite differently than most of the people here and elsewhere in life. I find the sweet, bumper-sticker phrases like "forgiveness is a gift you give yourself" insulting. The betrayed needs to find a way to let the betrayer try to earn forgiveness and even then the betrayed may not be able to forgive. In many cases acceptance is as good as it's going to get for the betrayed. This anger and hatred you have for the OW is completely foreign to me. I mean, your husband cheated. He was going to cheat with whatever skank he could get to lay down and hold still. The OW just happens to be the skank he caught. Your intense anger with your husband comes through loud and clear, and I think it is merely extending to the OW because there's just too much of it to direct at the man you are trying to reconcile with. If you are in counseling you should at least discuss this possibility with your counselor. At any rate, I understand the rage and have no magic answers for you. Time is not going to heal you or your marriage. I think it's more important for you to focus on personal recovery for a while since your rage seems to be in the way right now. Reconciliation is really, really hard and may not work out in the end. I wish you luck; but more importantly I wish you peace. 2
NotCamelot Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 TexasCountryGirl, I fully understand what you are saying. I am still feeling the same way as well. It is not as if the AP was just an innocent bystander or an unwilling partner in the A. That person ALSO hurt you. In my case, and in a most of them, the AP knew that your spouse was married and STILL carried on with them. So, someone please tell us why they don't deserve some hate from the betrayed. I have not heard an argument yet that does that. We know to be angry at our spouse. We know that the spouse wronged us. We know that the spouse broke vows. BUT THEY DID NOT DO IT ALONE!! In fairy-tale-land, the AP would not know your spouse was married and THEN would be totally without the object of anger and hatred. But that's not where I live. My heart goes out to you. I don't have an answer. If you find one, please let me know. 1
BetrayedH Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 Hate takes your energy - and she isn't worth it. I also don't think she is worth forgiveness, either. She is worth becoming nothing in your head- because you deserve better. She isn't good enough to take up precious real estate in your head. This is a good point. The opposite of love is not hate; it's indifference. You and your marriage are better served by you not giving a flip what's going on with her. No easy by any stretch but it's true. It's very difficult to be indifferent abou someone that took part in hurting you but it's your best path to healing. Forget about her and direct any anger you have towards your husband where it truly belongs. He's the one that took vows to protect you; it's just much easier to hate her so that it's redirected from the person you love. 2
mercy Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 For her: *** I pray that I am there when the day comes and Karma returns for HER! *** I pray that I will have the opportunity to watch HER life fall apart and be destroyed the way that mine was. *** I pray that the hurt and the pain that she feels will be 10 times what I was forced to deal with. The short version of the story: after 16 years of marriage .... my husband had an affair with a 22 year old GIRL (she was not a woman ... she was a child!) This occurred almost 2 1/2 years ago. Things have not been easy but we are managing to take one day at a time and trying to re-build. This single event destroyed my entire life. Everything that I thought was "truth" was no all of a sudden a "lie"! Over time, little by little I have learned to forgive my husband. I know he regrets it ... he wishes he could take it back ... I know that he loves me. every now and then the anger comes back and I will lash out at him. He will stand there and take it ... and when I am finished he will tell me how sorry he is for the bad decisions that he made. He takes it because he says he deserves it. Anyway point being is that over time the anger over all of this when it comes to him has subsided. the anger for her however HAS NOT! I hate this girl with every ounce of me! Will I ever be normal again? Will I ever be able to let go of this anger? I will never forgive her ... so does that mean I must carry the weight of this hatred with me for the rest of my life? The bold ^^ Ask yourself what you are bringing into your life with these thoughts. Ask, what are my intentions behind these thoughts. It's only natural that you would think these things, you've been hurt deeply by another persons choices, ones you had no control over. That's a hard pill to swallow. Ask yourself where this bitterness and anger will take you and who are these thoughts hurting. YOU. How you feel about her does nothing to her but is very harming for you. Bitterness and resentment harms the one who feels those feelings. It changes who we are, it turns us into someone we no longer know. It affects our everyday life, our relationships with those we love and care about. Release yourself, free yourself, heal yourself. Leave her to her own fate. You now have some tough choices to make and they are your choice. You have to decide what you are willing to live with, what you are willing to let go of. This is going to take as much time as it takes. Only time will move you away from the pain you're feeling. Be kind to yourself, do those things that can bring you joy. Focus on you and your family. When your thoughts take you to where you don't want to be, be strong, choose to think on what brings you happiness, don't allow negative thoughts to rule your mind. I'm sorry you're hurting. 2
mercy Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 Hate takes your energy - and she isn't worth it. I also don't think she is worth forgiveness, either. She is worth becoming nothing in your head- because you deserve better. She isn't good enough to take up precious real estate in your head. Reminds me of an old saying, if she ain't paying rent get her out of your head. 4
mercy Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 TexasCountryGirl, So, someone please tell us why they don't deserve some hate from the betrayed. I have not heard an argument yet that does that. Because it hurts you and you've been hurt enough. 1
RickFox Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 Hating her only destroys / consumes you. She isn't affected by it at all. My wife is like you and it consumes her .... Not healthy but understandable. 1
Furious Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 OP, I was like you too... thought I would always hate and never forgive. I had an intense hate for this man who I thought was the love of my life but turned out a serial cheater. Then someone, sorry don't remebmber who, wrote in one of my threads: Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. I finally understood it months later. You'll never move on until you're able to forget, release all that anger and hate and become indifferent. "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." I believe it was the ever so eloquent poster, BetrayedH, who said those words. 1
BetrayedH Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 So, someone please tell us why they don't deserve some hate from the betrayed. I have not heard an argument yet that does that. They do deserve your hate. The problem is that doing so does nothing for you. You're entitled to hate them. Let me know when that does something for you. My wife had an OM, too. He was a selfish prick that helped ruin two families. But the fact is that he is no longer relevant. My concern was my wife and my life moving forward. Any mental headspace granted to him was a waste of my time and energy. I made sure his wife knew and that he was out of our lives. Other than that, I couldn't care less what happens to him. He has impacted my life enough. He doesn't get another second. 3
BetrayedH Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." I believe it was the ever so eloquent poster, BetrayedH, who said those words. Appreciate the credit but I steal everything I write. I had heard it in terms of revenge. I think anger, hate, and revenge are all interchangable and the phrase still works. 2
2sunny Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 I don't think you have forgiven him at all - IF you had, you wouldn't be giving her so much of your power with all this anger and resentment. And to have it be so misplaced... I think you are STILL mad at him. Forgiveness is neutral... You're not there yet. Counseling may help IF you get honest about who/what you're still mad about.
Decorative Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 Appreciate the credit but I steal everything I write. I had heard it in terms of revenge. I think anger, hate, and revenge are all interchangable and the phrase still works. LOL! I agree. That quote gets attributed to Buddha a lot, but I have never actually found it. Anne LaMott and Malachi McCourt are sources of slightly altered versions of it- but whomever said it originally- it's a sound principle, and one worth sharing over and over.
Decorative Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 To the OP- My spouse's OW was also considerably younger, and was lied to quite a bit in the beginning. When she learned everything- together they decided to deceive me and her family as a joint effort , which is where she gained culpability. Some affair partners learn and grow and accept responsibility as they disentangle from the mess. The woman in my situation is a serial OW, who still sees herself as a victim and occasionally will lash out at me through lies to her parents ( she's 27 now- old enough to know better)- but she proves to me over and over again, that she isn't worth a speck of my energy. I just had an incident a few months ago where I had to reseal every boundary to keep her and her family out of my life, but it did not inspire more than a flash of anger for a day, and I was able to settle her back down into the place where she belongs in my head- inconsequential. 1
GLDheart Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 It hurt me to read your post OP. I hope for your sake that you rise above this.
Author TexasCountryGirl Posted November 1, 2012 Author Posted November 1, 2012 Maybe just a smidgen of compassion on your part, after all, it's likely your husband lied his ass off to her. I'm not saying you should give her a free pass as she was an adult but older men often take advantage of a young woman's naivety and youth, your husband probably did the same. If it helps you feel any better.........as a fow the karma bus does come around if you have a conscience, it body slams you. I have no compassion for her .. being young and naive is no excuse. She knew what she was doing ... that entire affair started with her. She knew he was married from day 1 .. he never lied about it ... she too was married and while I know my husband played his part in all of this ... the initial persuit was not with him making advances or taking advantage of any young girl !!! (I know this without a doubt because it took a lawyer to draft the demand and judge to sign off on it .. but I received the text transcripts from the cell carrier directly. In the state of Texas when you file for a divorce based upon infidelity .. your lawyer can get you the transcripts to show the proof!) As far as Karma returning ... I am not sure if "she" has a heart or any ounce of a conscience at all ... I don't sit around pondering "her" or purposely wasting energy on "her" ... its just that sometimes it is difficult when things happen and the feelings all come rush back! This girl taunts me on purpose .. even now ... she doesn't work and her child is young ... so what reason would she has to be out of the house at 6am sitting at the gas station outside of my neighborhood ?!?!? (no getting gas) ... not even in a parking spot .. just pulled over to the side waiting for me to leave for work! This is somewhat of a regular occurrence and her sole purpose seems to be able to follow me and taunt me. I am not threatened by her I am not worried for my safety ... she is only doing it to taunt me.
Decorative Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 Okay. That's different. That would keep those anger fires stoked. 2
2sunny Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 Get counseling. You are out of balance and your anger is misplaced.
todreaminblue Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 For her: *** I pray that I am there when the day comes and Karma returns for HER! *** I pray that I will have the opportunity to watch HER life fall apart and be destroyed the way that mine was. *** I pray that the hurt and the pain that she feels will be 10 times what I was forced to deal with. The short version of the story: after 16 years of marriage .... my husband had an affair with a 22 year old GIRL (she was not a woman ... she was a child!) This occurred almost 2 1/2 years ago. Things have not been easy but we are managing to take one day at a time and trying to re-build. This single event destroyed my entire life. Everything that I thought was "truth" was no all of a sudden a "lie"! Over time, little by little I have learned to forgive my husband. I know he regrets it ... he wishes he could take it back ... I know that he loves me. every now and then the anger comes back and I will lash out at him. He will stand there and take it ... and when I am finished he will tell me how sorry he is for the bad decisions that he made. He takes it because he says he deserves it. Anyway point being is that over time the anger over all of this when it comes to him has subsided. the anger for her however HAS NOT! I hate this girl with every ounce of me! Will I ever be normal again? Will I ever be able to let go of this anger? I will never forgive her ... so does that mean I must carry the weight of this hatred with me for the rest of my life? with my ex i had this philosophy and he used to share it dont know if he still does, if you do good by people if you are generous and giving you will reap the rewards you might not get thanks or gratitude it will show up in your life in other ways. If you are a forgiving person you will most likely always be forgiven when you stuff up. that many times generosity is overlooked and misunderstood because the philosophy of society is nothing for nothing(another ex with a chip on his shoulder has this philosophy)....my philosophy is something for nothing.....aka random acts of kindness...let go of karma as a negative interaction if you want to have good on your life do good by others and the first rule.....forgive as you wish to eb forgiven....which is a biblical principal that is true and just......karmic rules are often dark........deb
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