britbabe1192 Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 So my husband has come back home and told me we need to work on us. However the last two days he has been home there has been ZERO physical contact and when he leaves for work he use to always give me a kiss and hug and now it's just a "goodbye" I am confused, becuase these last two days he has been home have been pretty good. He has been warm and we have laughed a bit and gotten along pretty well. I know it may be too soon to expect that aspect of our relationship to return, but I feel like I have already been through so much and I don't know how much more my ego can take of these "goodbyes" Am I just rushing? If this normal when you get back together after a separation? If we are suppose to be working on us, I wonder how no physical contact is suppose to help that.....
robf1971 Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 Just looking at your first post, makes me think he met someone else and he's only back because she dumped him, maybe found out he was married. Just basing this on past history. What 'work' is he doing on your relationship? Has he offered to go to counselling together? or are you just a nice safe backup option. I think you need to a bit of detective work to find out if he's been playing away again. 1
stillafool Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 I read your orginal thread and I think he's just not that into you romantically. Why do you keep holding on to him so tight? That becomes unattractive after a while. You said he said he only married you because you loved him and he did not see himself staying with you forever. Stop living in fear of losing him. He doesn't want sex because he isn't attracted to you that way. I'm so sorry to have to tell you these things that hurt, but you asked. 2
Author britbabe1192 Posted November 1, 2012 Author Posted November 1, 2012 I know I am going to sound stupid and naieve for saying this, but I really don't think there was someone else. I asked and asked asnd asked. I checked phone and computer records and everything. And I honeslty feel that at times when I asked him it was a very low point for us and he would have told me if that had been the case. He made comments like "it sounds like you want there to be someone else" or "would it make it easier if there was someone else?" So it's not that.... Yeah as much as it hurts he probably isn't just into me that way right now. And it HURTS. I don't think it could never be there again, it just might take time. He did agree that we need counseling. We are going to do individual first. We are also reading that book "Seven Principals for Making Marriage Work" Last nigth he was talking about future things tho. About moving to another state and buying another house etc... So basically we are back to where we were after he cheated on me. I only know he wants a future by listening to what he says and if he plans future things. will that attraction ever come back? I don't know how I can do this anymore. I am a great person with a lot of offer anyone. He's crazy not to see that, but it is what it is.
Author britbabe1192 Posted November 1, 2012 Author Posted November 1, 2012 and I guess I hold on so tightly because he is my husband, the father of my child and he is back trying to make it work. So....
aMguilts Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 and I guess I hold on so tightly because he is my husband, the father of my child and he is back trying to make it work. So.... my 1st post here so please excuse if i mess it up! Britbabe, you speak a lot about what he wants, his plan for the future. What about you? Are you holding on because thats all you know? It`s a big world we live in, and we can sometimes get caught up in what we know, what makes us feel safe, and go along with it. In answer to your original question, should i take it slow? Yeah, i think you should. Be wary of him. 1
robf1971 Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 my 1st post here so please excuse if i mess it up! Britbabe, you speak a lot about what he wants, his plan for the future. What about you? Are you holding on because thats all you know? It`s a big world we live in, and we can sometimes get caught up in what we know, what makes us feel safe, and go along with it. In answer to your original question, should i take it slow? Yeah, i think you should. Be wary of him. You're making this way to easy for him like you did the first time he cheated. He's learnt that he can leave you, cheat or do whatever with zero consequences. Your words to hubby' 'I'm not sure how I feel about you coming back home, my feelings have changed on this, I don't know what I want anymore' I need time to think about this. If he is serious about a reconcile he will walk over broken glass to be with you. 3
trippi1432 Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 First of all, you are expecting him to validate what you already know about yourself. I am a great person with a lot <to> offer anyone. He is crazy not to see that, I agree, but you have to validate it for yourself. He didn't make your personality, who you are today...that was already there, so don't let him take that from you either by YOU basing sex and physical touch with who you are. REAL ATTRACTION is not just sex. Real attraction is the ability to share your feelings with someone and have them heard. It's being able to share a life together and feel safe with each other while respecting each other AND each other's feelings. Going straight to "Why don't you find me attractive anymore, have sex with me" is basically you being willing to sweep everything under the rug again just like what happened when he cheated before. Believe me, so many people get this part wrong and then wonder why they are right back to "here" again in a few years. It's because they never solidified the foundation of the marriage to begin with. Time to stop being so willing, it's time to set some healthy boundaries before his unhealthy ones become the precedent to your marriage hun.
aMguilts Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 (edited) You're making this way to easy for him like you did the first time he cheated. He's learnt that he can leave you, cheat or do whatever with zero consequences. Your words to hubby' 'I'm not sure how I feel about you coming back home, my feelings have changed on this, I don't know what I want anymore' I need time to think about this. If he is serious about a reconcile he will walk over broken glass to be with you. why are you quoting me? Edited November 1, 2012 by aMguilts clarification
Author britbabe1192 Posted November 1, 2012 Author Posted November 1, 2012 I am holding on because I feel, really feelt that there is something, or the potential of something really beautiful between us. And I feel like my husband really needs help to correct why we can't get past that stuff. After talking with his mom today, I was shocked to learn that his Dad has done the exact same things my H has been doing. I really believe that we learn from what we know growing up and I don't know why I feel like it's my duty to do this, but I want him to stop the cycle. I see potential in my H to be a good man, and he isn't as closed off and cold as his Dad was, so there is hope. I don't know how I am suppose to be working on my marriage tho if I say something like: 'I'm not sure how I feel about you coming back home, my feelings have changed on this, I don't know what I want anymore' I need time to think about this.' I see that in the long run I may not be able to do this, but I am at a point where I WANT ro give it a fighting chance. No one ever said this would be easy or it was going to work, but we are trying and he and I have decided to do that. Until I have given it time to heal, I am not at the point where I feel like this isn't working for me. And believe me, if things continue on this course that day may very well come. And if there isn't change and healing etc.. I was really hoping for some sort of apology when he came home and I didn't get that. I plan on telling him that today when he gets up. Altho it might make any apology that comes after weird and forced. I want to stand up for myself, but I don't want to look naggy or like a b*tch ya know?
aMguilts Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 I am holding on because I feel, really feelt that there is something, or the potential of something really beautiful between us. And I feel like my husband really needs help to correct why we can't get past that stuff. After talking with his mom today, I was shocked to learn that his Dad has done the exact same things my H has been doing. I really believe that we learn from what we know growing up and I don't know why I feel like it's my duty to do this, but I want him to stop the cycle. I see potential in my H to be a good man, and he isn't as closed off and cold as his Dad was, so there is hope. I don't know how I am suppose to be working on my marriage tho if I say something like: 'I'm not sure how I feel about you coming back home, my feelings have changed on this, I don't know what I want anymore' I need time to think about this.' I see that in the long run I may not be able to do this, but I am at a point where I WANT ro give it a fighting chance. No one ever said this would be easy or it was going to work, but we are trying and he and I have decided to do that. Until I have given it time to heal, I am not at the point where I feel like this isn't working for me. And believe me, if things continue on this course that day may very well come. And if there isn't change and healing etc.. I was really hoping for some sort of apology when he came home and I didn't get that. I plan on telling him that today when he gets up. Altho it might make any apology that comes after weird and forced. I want to stand up for myself, but I don't want to look naggy or like a b*tch ya know? i think by your answers you were talking to me? Brit.. i understand, he came home to you. Still nothing has changed thou has it? Can i ask you something? Why are you afraid of standing up for yourself? What have you got to lose?
Author britbabe1192 Posted November 1, 2012 Author Posted November 1, 2012 I guess I feel like I am not sure how to "stand up for myself" and if I did, he would probaly agree and be like, "that is what we are doing" I feel like at this point, he's home, that's what I thought I wanted, and I still do kind of, and he is here. so for me to make some long winded diatribe about the wrongs he has done me and how I am not going to stand for it seems like the wrong thing to do now. He knows he did wrong, he knows he put me through hell, he's here to make it right.... Yeah i want roses and hugs and kisses and him to cry at my feet, but he isn't that man and we need therapy to undo all the sh*t he caused first...
aMguilts Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 (edited) I guess I feel like I am not sure how to "stand up for myself" and if I did, he would probaly agree and be like, "that is what we are doing" I feel like at this point, he's home, that's what I thought I wanted, and I still do kind of, and he is here. so for me to make some long winded diatribe about the wrongs he has done me and how I am not going to stand for it seems like the wrong thing to do now. He knows he did wrong, he knows he put me through hell, he's here to make it right.... Yeah i want roses and hugs and kisses and him to cry at my feet, but he isn't that man and we need therapy to undo all the sh*t he caused first... i understand..i sympathise. So, he`s back. You ok with that or or you a little bit p**sed off? Edited November 1, 2012 by aMguilts
Author britbabe1192 Posted November 1, 2012 Author Posted November 1, 2012 (edited) tell him about it, I suppose, when we have some actual alone time together.... I don't want to just bombard him with my emotional upheaval, ya know? Edited November 1, 2012 by britbabe1192
Author britbabe1192 Posted November 1, 2012 Author Posted November 1, 2012 Well he is reading that book. And he is starting therapy Tuesday. It has only been 2 days so.... what more could I ask of him? I would like more time. I want him to stop working so much overtime so we can have some time at night before he leaves for work. i also want him to move to days. I want an apology I want a vacation just me and him Like how I answer my own questions sometimes lol 1
aMguilts Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 tell him about it, I suppose, when we have some actual alone time together.... I don't want to just bombard him with my emotional upheaval, ya know? yeah i know. take your time. He wants this to work? He`ll make it work
Author britbabe1192 Posted November 2, 2012 Author Posted November 2, 2012 Well I got my kiss today..... Before he left for work he was just kind of looking at me and asked me "can I have a kiss? Is that safe?" I said yes, because why not? It was a good day and all. Plus I didn't fell like saying no. But we kissed and he seemed into it. Even let out a little moan. Like a "I've missed this" moan. I am still mad and all that, but I wanted that kiss. Gosh I have needs to
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