winstong Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 Hi, I've been following this forum and realised most of the advices here are good, but i realised my case is abit different from most of u guys here and decided to make an account to ask for some advice, sorry for the bad grammer here as i'm not that good in english. To cut the long story short, my 4 yrs r/s ended 3 months ago, and unlike most of u guys here who went on NC, i suppose, i did the othere way round and have been chasing her back, she asked me to wait for her for a year as she wanted to concentrate on her studies, so for these 3 months, i've been trying to chase her back, going out with her to shop, to watch movies, making cakes for her as encouragement before her exams, asking her out for halloween events. Thing is whatever she wanted, i would be with her and support her, like before her exams, i would be with her for the whole day to revise with her to help her destress by shopping with her, however those small things that i wanted to do, she would be abit unwilling with it. Its like a r/s should be a give n take but i feel most of the time i have been giving and receiving nothing in return. Its only till recently that i cant take it when i actually spent the effort to get her favourite dessert from her fav stall quite some distance away from her school and decided to give her a surprise by waiting for her outside her class, however the first reaction she actually gave me when she saw me was "why are u here, i wanted to go home and rest as im really tired these few days". Its like isnt she supposed to be shocked n happy at the same time, y is she actually hinting signs of unhappiness inside? But after that during the bus trip home, she kept saying sorry and that she appreciate it, i relly dunno if its real anot.. So just now, i just told her i'll be having a small talk with her after her class later, and as i guessed, she knows im gonna talk with her about giving up on her. She sounded really sad on the phone and kept asking if theres any thing she can do to salvage on this r/s and that she dont really wanna let go of it. I really dunno wat to do as i feel this r/s has become a really toxic one, should i give her a chance? or should i jsut end it? Any people out there in the same situation as me? Would love some advices Thanks!
mishy Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 She is playing you and taking you for granted. She asked you to wait a year? Seriously you shoudl find another girl, this one has way too much hand.
KatZee Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 I'm going to be straight, and to the point because you need a smack upside the head. FACT: Your relationship ENDED three months ago. FACT: She is NOT your girlfriend. FACT: She has no obligation to you. So now that we know the facts, why are you still ACTING like she's your girlfriend? You made a comment here how relationships are give and take and that you're tired of not receiving anything... YOU'RE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP!!! Everything you're doing for her, baking her cakes?? Who does this after being dumped? Going out with her, supporting her... you're doing EVERYTHING that a boyfriend should be doing for a GIRLFRIEND. Everything you're doing, you're doing of your own free will. She flat out told you she doesn't want to be with you. She's not focused on you, she's focused on school. She broke up with you. That means, STOP treating her like a queen. STOP acting like she's a girlfriend! She's NOT! The only thing you're doing is laying down like a rug and allowing her to walk all over you. She takes everything you're doing for granted, and she doesn't feel all that bad about it because she already told you where she stands. She's not invested in a relationship with you. This relationship hasn't become "toxic." I'm not sure where you're getting that from. When she dumped you THREE MONTHS AGO, that was the end of the relationship. You as the dumpee were supposed to just go away. Go about your life. Instead, you lived in your quasi-fantasy land for what reason? To convince her to get back with you? To show her how amazing you are? These things NEVER work. I'm also not sure why you're asking if you should stay or end it. THIS ENDED THREE MONTHS AGO!!!
River Rain Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 What's confusing me a little...she asked you to wait a year for your relationship to continue...yet she is allowing you to be in her life so frequently still. Sounds like you're still in the relationship minus the intimacy? It's not fair to keep someone on the backburner for A YEAR...it's up to you if you're willing to wait and keep having this friendship with her, or just end it finally and move on. I guess you have to judge what your priorities are when it comes to your love life. I certainly wouldn't put my life on hold for a year, even if I was madly in love with the guy, it's just not fair.
KatZee Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 What's confusing me a little...she asked you to wait a year for your relationship to continue...yet she is allowing you to be in her life so frequently still. Sounds like you're still in the relationship minus the intimacy? It's not fair to keep someone on the backburner for A YEAR...it's up to you if you're willing to wait and keep having this friendship with her, or just end it finally and move on. I guess you have to judge what your priorities are when it comes to your love life. I certainly wouldn't put my life on hold for a year, even if I was madly in love with the guy, it's just not fair. The only thing I see is that she's taking everything he's doing for granted. She's allowing him to help her study, allowing him to bake her cakes, allowing him to come along on her little girly shopping trips... but every time HE says he wants to do something, she's unwilling. I think it's perfectly clear what's going on here. She's going to take advantage as long as he continues what he's doing. And yes, the whole waiting thing is a joke. That's selfish. You don't ask someone to "wait for a year." You're either in a relationship or you're not, and if she doesn't want a relationship right now OP, then just move on with your life. In a year's time if you're still single and you still want her, then revisit it, but don't be stupid by sitting around waiting and putting your life on hold. Go out with your friends, meet new girls, I guarantee if you go NC and you focus on you and your life, you won't even want her back in 6 months.
River Rain Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 The only thing I see is that she's taking everything he's doing for granted. She's allowing him to help her study, allowing him to bake her cakes, allowing him to come along on her little girly shopping trips... but every time HE says he wants to do something, she's unwilling. I think it's perfectly clear what's going on here. She's going to take advantage as long as he continues what he's doing. And yes, the whole waiting thing is a joke. That's selfish. You don't ask someone to "wait for a year." You're either in a relationship or you're not, and if she doesn't want a relationship right now OP, then just move on with your life. In a year's time if you're still single and you still want her, then revisit it, but don't be stupid by sitting around waiting and putting your life on hold. Go out with your friends, meet new girls, I guarantee if you go NC and you focus on you and your life, you won't even want her back in 6 months. "I want my cake and eat it too" syndrome. Definitely she's taking advantage of him being there for her at her own convenience. OP, take it from a former "doormat"...open your eyes to what is really going on with her, you'll end up more hurt in the long run.
geegirl Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 You walk away and move on. If in a year, she comes back, you would be in a much healthier emotional state to determine if you want to re-establish the relationship. Most likely by then, you'd have a different mindset in terms of what you want for yourself. What would happen if after investing a year in a non-relationship, she says she has decided it's not going to work, what would you do? Do not put your life on hold for anyone. While she's living her life the best way she knows how, you're living yours on HER terms. Take back your control. You should not be hostage to her indecisiveness. Let her deal with it on her own.
foreverastone Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 yeh........to be honest i think sooner or later you're going to tire of putting in so much effort, being the only one trying to hold the 'relationship' together and basically the one who is doing everything. One day you will give up and would have had enough of the bull*****. By that time you would have reached your breaking point and it would feel like you're dumping her instead of the other way round. You know that this relationship isn't working and can you imagine doing this for weeks, months or even years?!?!!? Can you really be happy with the way things are at the moment? I would leave if things doesn't change soon but if you really need to follow her footstep like a lost puppy just to get it out your system then by all means. Sometimes you need to get rid of the poison by sucking it out but I'm pretty sure that you will give up one day if things stay the way they are.
Author winstong Posted November 1, 2012 Author Posted November 1, 2012 (edited) Thnaks for all the replies everyone! Really appreciate them! Really felt i need a big wake up call, i dont tink i can stand being like this for a year in fact! Anyway i confronted her just now and told her its better to just stay in low contact like a few months to meet once, i know should have remained NC but i feel i cant treat her that way as after all strong feelings still remain between us, as she cried n asked if theres anything she can do to salvage it, i know she do care for me and even before we parted, she held up her right hand to crisscross with mine, felt really touched just now.. I guess its a good thing after all, to get to have a cooldown period, though i kinda regret having to do this when we still have feelings for each other.. I was just thinking if i gave it another chance, would i get back to square one or would things get better? Maybe, just maybe we can get back together if after the 2 yrs if we r destined for each other.. Edited November 1, 2012 by winstong
Simon Phoenix Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 Dude, this girl is playing you for a fool. You need to cut this off and be without her in your life for a while and regroup.
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