single_dad Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 11 months ago my ex-fiance texted me to tell me she was leaving me. She basically walked out our family. I found out that in 30 days she sent some guy she works with 2700+ texts. Yes it was an emotional affair. Long story short she was rejected by the guy. Unfortunately, I still have to deal with her because of our child. I am familiar with single parenting and it isn't a big deal for me because I have an older child that I lives with me full time, so yeah I've been there. In the past I've been able to let things go, whatever it was. And yes its been very major things that I can get over. But for some reason I can get past all this hatred and ugliness. It really isn't me. I get sick of people say "you have to get over it." I've tried. I've tried multiple counselling sessions, different counsellors, I've tried some many things to get past this but I can't. Its like I'm stuck. The one thing I feel may be holding me back from completely letting go is the ridiculous amount of blame she puts on me for everything. She even blames me for stuff that hasn't or will not even happen. She broke into my house and broke my door, and she blamed that on me too. Can anybody help me get over this. Its drained so much from me that it seems like I have nothing to give in other relationships with others in regular friendships and even in relationships with family as I've pretty much have withdrawn from them all.
theLWord Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 It sounds like even after the break up, she's controlling you emotionally. You shouldn't withdraw from your family. The only thing you have to give this woman is communication regarding your child. Have you tried talking about how she treats you? Did you call the cops when she broke into your house and broke your door? You can't allow her to still treat you this way anymore. Don't fall for her blaming you. Don't even say anything at all regarding that anymore. She did YOU wrong. Ignore whatever she tries to fight about. You can't get past the hatred and ugliness because she hasn't stopped treating you like garbage. The next time she acts crazy, call the cops. You need to limit contact to dropping your kid off and picking your kid up because obviously you all can't communicate properly yet. Tell her that. Then stop taking the abuse and work on relationships with people who do care about you. Stop being her emotional doormat.
PYTpisces Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 Sorry you're going through this I know how it feels when all people keep saying is get over it. Basically anything anyone says makes you feel worse. You're already down and you feel like you're being kicked or spat on or poked over and over. So firstly, acknowledge and have compassion for yourself over the fact that yes you are down, you are wounded and you are stuck. You have every right to be. You may not be AS stuck as you think you are, because posting here is, though small, a form of action. That's what you need to do. Keep taking these itty bitty baby action steps toward healing. Be gentle with yourself. Don't kick yourself anymore just give yourself an emotional hug everyday. But also force yourself to be your own cheerleader, even when you don't want to. And like theLword says, restrengthen your relationships with your real loved ones, and yes, even when you don't feel like it. If they really know you and love you they will understand that it's taking you tremendous effort to face the light of day and spend time with them.They love you and they miss you. You will come to a place where you feel stronger and more able to put your foot down with your ex. It's hard to command respect when you feel so low. The hurt will turn into strength if you let it. You can't really force it, you have to LET it happen by making it through the days. Every day that passes from here on out is a victory. You can get through this and we're here to walk with you along the way!
kt1012 Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 I understand what you are going through... My daughter's father blames me for everything and constantly threatens me with things. He says he will take her from me and says he will tell her crazy things about why he and I aren't together anymore. When I wouldn't bring her to him (2 hours away and he is supposed to get her) he said our child would know that mommy wouldn't let daddy see her. STUPID!! I quit being nice to him. I used to do everything I could to make his life easier and I finally got tired of his attitude towards me and stopped. I told him that if it didn't stop, I would stop helping him out. She breaks into your house... call the cops... if you don't then your telling her she can do anything to you. Don't do anything more than your part and don't give in. She will start being nice again just long enough to get her way (been there) don't let it work. Stand your ground and tell her that you warned her that you weren't putting up with her antics anymore. Tell her you do not want to talk to her unless it is about your child (and mean it). If she starts in on you about something else, hang up the phone or quit responding to texts. If you are with her in person, leave and tell her you are not doing this anymore. She is controlling you and you are letting her!! STOP!
Author single_dad Posted November 5, 2012 Author Posted November 5, 2012 Thank you all. You have no idea how much I appreciate your responses. You have open my eyes from my ignorance of being treated like and emotional doormat. Obviously, sometimes with the help of others it is much easier to take a step back and analyze the situaution. Yes, I am definitely allowing her to treat me that way. I also found a letter she wrote when I did find out about the affair - it says, "What I've done to you is far worse than anything you have done to me." I also looked back at the relationship as a whole, and throught everything, remembering all the fights, I was always the one at fault. Well, in her eyes I was. I can't believe I've been so blind to that. I've always been a firm believer in chaos theory, where stuff just happens without a reason, but considering the timeline of bad events, of losing fiance, grandma dying, cat dying, car dying and being told I no longer have a job via text message, ironically enough; I'm either being crafted for something big, or someone somewhere just likes laughing at me!
Recommended Posts