25 days NC...

[boblet]

can't believe i've actually gone this long.... i'm so tempted to text him sometimes.... sometimes i wonder how long he was thinking of breaking up with me, i could tell something was up before i left on a trip..... he had to break my heart when i was so far away... i wish i knew if he's hurting like i am.. why is it we want to contact when it gets us nowhere? it seems like i'm stuck with the agony of not contacting, or contacting and getting my heart broken all over again.... does anyone else hurt knowing that they're moving on while you're stuck with these memories? everydy i wake up and think about him, hoping that the messages on my phone are from him.. anyhoo, that was my rant for the night.... 25 days NC, trying to hold on!

[boblet]

anybody out there..... does anyone else spend time looking through forums, searching for answers, hoping to understand what your ex might be feeling... i miss him so much... he hasn't been very nice to me leading up to the BU, almost 3 months ago.... my emotions r so messed up i just want to wake up and not think of him i wish there was a pill for this.

[suladas]

The only thing that helps is time. I know what you're going through, it's been about 3 1/2 months for me, and i'm up to 1 month of NC again after breaking it many times. The thing is, everytime you break it you feel worse so it tells you the only thing to do is keep NC and move on. There is no way to know how they feel, and it sucks I know. Eventually with time it gets a lot better.

[ImYours]

I'm sorry. I am fresh into this and I tell you it is so darn hard. I'll support you and you support me! I am constantly looking at my phone. I am a mess. But you have made it 25 days!!! Keep it going. You are my goal now. 25 days then another 25. Hang in there. What happened in your relationship? Would like to read

[Freshstart637]

My BU was about 2 months ago and some days, we lived together and she just left saying she was picking up her son. Long story short, I got stuck starring at the window for some hours waiting for her and her son. Every car I heard, i starred more out the window waiting. Cried in a fetal position in our home waiting for her. Went into severe depression, didn't eat or sleep for 2 weeks. Went to the Dr. to get sleeping pills and found out I had a high fever. Slept in the backyard a couple of days because of memories inside our home. We bought it together just 11 months ago. It was hard. A lot more details about pain/hurt but.....

 

It does get better! Not only by time, but by being proactive with the healing process. She still wanted to be friends really bad and wanted me there for her son. Really? I asked myself, would this just give me hope? I blocked her from everything, email/cell/fb/joint account/house deed. Took her off everything. Work on yourself and you'll get through it. Throw parties, get your old friends back, don't worry about your ex., grieve. I mean really get it out. On Sunday I watched romantic comedies all day long. Crying the crap out. Every tear lost made me feel lighter. After that whole day to myself, without friends/family, turned off my cell and just thought about everything that has happened, I decided to let go. I feel great. I don't really care anymore what the ex is doing, only about what I fun/exciting thing I'm going to do next.

 

Let go, enjoy yourself. I was so close to having the family I always wanted and lost it, but who's to say that I'll never have one? Positive thinking. Feel good about yourself and you'll get through it.

 

Sorry if I jacked this thread. Grieve and acceptance really helped me a lot. Good Luck! I broke NC also about a couple of weeks ago and she actually picked up, she sounds different, like happy. I feel great that she sounded so happy, everyone needs to be happy!

[cavalier99]

I'm at 29 days NC after a 6 year relasionship. I guess 1 thing that has helped is I'm NOT wondering if she is hurting like I am. I know she isn't. She is in new relationship. This has killed all hope for me as far as reconciling (this is a blessing). Maybe imagine that he is happy and already with someone else?

 

This might snap you out of wondering how he feels and why it went down like it did? Who cares. He gave you all the reasons you need when he left. Wondering why constantly will hold you back. You don't need this info or his validation or suffering to make you happy.

 

It doesn't make me feel 100 better but I know that even if her new relationship doesn't work I just imagine that all her feelings for me are dead (which they are) and I know that I need to get to the indifference phase.

 

I have also cried and grieved and imagined fictional scenarios of getting back together but I realize it is all a pipe dream. When I do this I just try to let myself feel whatever emotions I have but I also bring myself back to the present with deep breathing.

 

It is amazing how one can control your own mind and feelings (or at least accept it and view some of your negative feelings dispassionately) if you try.

 

I feel much more in control of myself now compared to the fist couple weeks and don't need to let my mind run wild. This is a great growing experience! Read up on mediation or start a doing a sport ecetera. Self improvement is a great way to up you confidence and help you realize you don't need anyone. You need to be OK on you own.

 

I now take my Golden Retriever to Starbucks almost every day and drink my coffee outside. I try to talk to people and project confidence. I force myself to smile and interact even if I dont feel like it. I try to act ok even if Im not. I even go by places we used to visit just to get new memories going without her. I need to recalim my life without fear.

 

Try to be happy. It is OK to feel good. Pick yourself up and laugh at the absurdity of wallowing in despair over somebody that doesn't want to be with you. It will be OK eventually and you will be so strong after this!

 

Good luck and DONT break NC

 

 

 

Cavalier99

[suladas]

Oh and good way to make NC easier, delete their number. I finally did last night, same with the paper it was on, it's hard loosing all the texts we had but I knew that was in the past and I had to let it go. So the only place her number is left is in my head, so once that's gone I couldn't text her if I wanted to. My excuse to keep her number was that we were still neighbors, but screw it.

 

I can't even count how many i've imagined she will contact me and we'll work things out, but the odd thing is a lot of times I imagine it we don't even get back together, it's just talking and realizing we aren't good for each other and parting as friends. It's weird, I think I miss having her in my life more as a friend then as a girlfriend.

 

Every once in a while it still hurts. Like last night I was watching tv and seen her going out trickertreating with her kids and seemingly quite happy. It still hurt, not anywhere as bad as it did when we first BU but still feel something.

 

And going out with friends does help. I find after when i'm alone again i'm still hurting. But every few weeks at least I find i'm improving. I can watch tv at night before bed now and don't drive myself crazy wondering what shes doing or anything because she's so close to me, yet seems so far. So ya going out and having fun really helps.

Edited November 1, 2012 by suladas

[cavalier99]

 

I can't even count how many i've imagined she will contact me and we'll work things out, but the odd thing is a lot of times I imagine it we don't even get back together, it's just talking and realizing we aren't good for each other and parting as friends. It's weird, I think I miss having her in my life more as a friend then as a girlfriend.

 

Ageed. I sometimes feel lonley and just miss having that "friend" I can talk to about anything and lean on in good or tough times. That is the messup thing about a relationship that doesnt work out. We lose that best friend as well as lover and there is no going back.

 

I guess this is just a lesson to re learn to stand on our own. At the same time I realize that my missing my "friend" is sort of a lie to myself. I really just miss the relationship when it was good.

[suladas]

Ageed. I sometimes feel lonley and just miss having that "friend" I can talk to about anything and lean on in good or tough times. That is the messup thing about a relationship that doesnt work out. We lose that best friend as well as lover and there is no going back.

 

I guess this is just a lesson to re learn to stand on our own. At the same time I realize that my missing my "friend" is sort of a lie to myself. I really just miss the relationship when it was good.

 

Well for me, it's a bit different. A year before we dated we were neighbors and would talk pretty much everyday so I miss that. Because since the BU we just act like the other doesn't exist, I still said hi to her a few times after the BU and she still said hi back but it was clear she didn't want any part of it so I just stopped.

[boblet]

Thanks or sharing everyone. it's comforting to know we're not alone in this whole BU thing. ImYours, this was my story (long i know) http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/352807-2-weeks-nc-so-many-questions

 

Totally agree with whole self improvement thing, I've started back dancing, spending a bit more time at the gym. Sometimes it's a bit difficult since i'm not in my home country, I still have friends here but not as much as back home, for the most part I make the most of the support I have, even if it's miles away

 

Freshstart, you think grieving helped you reach to that place where you were happy that she was happy? And you broke NC when you felt better about the whole thing? I have cried a lot and I do cry when I need to. These days when I cry, it's definitely not as long and painful as it used to be, sometimes the tears don't even come, maybe because I've cried so much.

 

Cavalier and suladas, how long ago were your breakups? I deleted him off everything, I know his number by heart, but after breaking NC after a week before this new NC, I really put my pride and dignity on the forefront and decided not to message because I've been needy and begging, it really is not flattering, especially because if he wanted to see me he would. I actually expect that he'd find someone new in time, I think about that and some of the things he's said to me post BU and it keeps me in check.

 

And I agree, I miss my relationship because I feel like I've lost so much, I'm not oblivious to the fact that there are more fish in the sea and all that. I just thought I'd never click with someone the way I did with him, and it seemed especially hard considering cultural difference and all that. Sometimes I wonder if I miss him or if I miss having someone there, on some days these two kind of waver. I do think breakups have the potential to be transformational though, when it ended, I really got a chance to analyze who I was in the relationship and better understand my needs and wants as a person. I think part of what hurts is the wrong I've done, and potentially being remembered in that light, when really I was just a flawed person with good intentions. I guess it's about forgiveness more than anything, forgiving them and especially yourself

[Freshstart637]

Boblet, no broke NC a couple of weeks ago and just really thought things through and grieved everything this past Sunday. It made me feel a lot better, but I do know everyone is different and maybe has different techniques to cope with the breakup.

 

Mine just happened to be watching a crapload of romantic comedies and wishing for the type of ending that these movies had. My ex wouldn't be close to even giving me that type of ending. So, I'm now on a mission to find that kind of ending. There has to be women out there that want the same.

[Simon Phoenix]

Boblet, no broke NC a couple of weeks ago and just really thought things through and grieved everything this past Sunday. It made me feel a lot better, but I do know everyone is different and maybe has different techniques to cope with the breakup.

 

Mine just happened to be watching a crapload of romantic comedies and wishing for the type of ending that these movies had. My ex wouldn't be close to even giving me that type of ending. So, I'm now on a mission to find that kind of ending. There has to be women out there that want the same.

 

Romantic comedies are unrealistic, which is fine if you realize that they are meant to entertain and not to be guides on how to win over someone. When I was younger I tried doing the romantic comedy approach with women. Yeah, didn't work so much.

[robaday]

2 months for me. First month was truly painful, last two weeks much better.

 

Nothing from her either, although Ive noticed she wrote negative comments on pictures of us I detagged myself from the other day..........great, at least the real her is now coming out. Guess that means she aint over it though too.

 

Ive got a date scheduled tonight.......wasnt really in any fit shape until now, but Ive gotta finally just MOVE ON with my life. Had a potential girl I was interested in cancel on me 3 weeks ago and tbh i was relieved!! just gonna see how this goes, even if its a new friend, it would be cool.

[thembones]

anybody out there..... does anyone else spend time looking through forums, searching for answers, hoping to understand what your ex might be feeling... i miss him so much... he hasn't been very nice to me leading up to the BU, almost 3 months ago.... my emotions r so messed up i just want to wake up and not think of him i wish there was a pill for this.

 

 

Yes been there, done all of that. There are no miracle pills or answers. It sucks, but it is something that we all need to get past on our own. I have thought about her every day for 3 months and it has gotten me nowhere.

[sarah_valentine]

I'm at over a month no contact. it does get easier. Sometimes there are moments when I realise I'm still hurting badly, but other times especially if I'm seeing friends then I realise it really is a minor part of life and doesn't define me.

 

For me, I think I am finally moving into the acceptance stage, hoping to really progress in the next two weeks as well. Just recently he had the perfect opportunity to contact me and I really thought he would... it was that 'window of opportunity' and it hurt quite a bit that he didn't. But since then, I've realised that if he wanted to contact me and wanted anything from me he would have... if he wanted to keep the door open he would have. So now it is easier for me to accept that he must really not be interested, or not value me as highly as that, and it's actually refreshing because it's like it sets me free, since before I was just hoping he MIGHT be caring.

 

Actions speak louder than words. If he's not contacting you, there's your answer. Set yourself a date by which you let go, maybe the one month mark. It is so easy to make up all these reasons why he hasn't contacted, but in the end if someone wants to be with you they will make the moves to. I'm sure you know this and at some point it will sink in.

 

And on another note, you can't know what they're thinking. I liked to imagine that he really DID care, until recently when I was analysing my relationship with someone and asked what they thought, and they said "well I really doubt he's anywhere near as heart broken as you were..." at one stage hearing that would have absolutely killed me. But now it's refreshing. So set yourself a date and don't make excuses for why he hasn't contacted. Love is more powerful than pride... if he loves you he wouldn't risk you being set free and finding someone else.

[suladas]

It's been 3.5 months for me, I really should be over it we only dated for 2 months, but it was my first RS and man has it been tough. Which is weird, I am not an emotional person, i'd say i'm actually quite cold. But still living next door to her it hasn't been easy.

 

I remember watching The Round and man did I ever cry near the end. My ex watched it when we were dating and said how it related to our RS quite a bit, and it did and it really hurt to watch it even though it had a happy ending.

 

I though maybe I just missed the RS and having someone there more then her but it's more then that. I remember the first day of school, I was so sad, I never realized how close I was with her kids to. Just multiplies the hurt when you miss more then one person, especially when I knew them for over a year

 

Plus no matter how much I try, I just can't shake the fact that one day she'll contact me and want to talk, I just absolutely can't shake that feeling. It doesn't stop me from meeting new people, been on 1 date, and going on another one on saturday, already met her once and really hit it off so i'm really happy to see her again.

[suladas]

2 months for me. First month was truly painful, last two weeks much better.

 

Nothing from her either, although Ive noticed she wrote negative comments on pictures of us I detagged myself from the other day..........great, at least the real her is now coming out. Guess that means she aint over it though too.

 

Ive got a date scheduled tonight.......wasnt really in any fit shape until now, but Ive gotta finally just MOVE ON with my life. Had a potential girl I was interested in cancel on me 3 weeks ago and tbh i was relieved!! just gonna see how this goes, even if its a new friend, it would be cool.

 

Getting out there and dating really is good.

[sarah_valentine]

Suladas... you hit it off with another lady. You need to be more active in getting over that relationship or this new possible one will be doomed. Your ex doesn't want you, and now there is the POSSIBILITY of love with someone else... I don't know how you can do it, but you really need to.

 

The first relationship is always the worst, it doesn't really matter how long or short it was. Just know that heart break from here on out is slightly easier to deal with because you're more aware that life goes on, that there are other people etc.

 

Also, that feeling that you can't shake is really something that's inside your head and is not an external reality. Odds are she probably will contact you, most exes at some point do, but it doesn't mean anything - she dumped you when you should still have been in the honeymoon stage, that is not a good sign. When I was wishing for my ex to care, I secretly imagined that he did. Not that it's hitting home that he hasn't contacted, I imagine that he doesn't care. Really, I can't know... but the point is that there is that tendency to think that what you are thinking or feeling is shared when it's not.

[suladas]

Suladas... you hit it off with another lady. You need to be more active in getting over that relationship or this new possible one will be doomed. Your ex doesn't want you, and now there is the POSSIBILITY of love with someone else... I don't know how you can do it, but you really need to.

 

The first relationship is always the worst, it doesn't really matter how long or short it was. Just know that heart break from here on out is slightly easier to deal with because you're more aware that life goes on, that there are other people etc.

 

Also, that feeling that you can't shake is really something that's inside your head and is not an external reality. Odds are she probably will contact you, most exes at some point do, but it doesn't mean anything - she dumped you when you should still have been in the honeymoon stage, that is not a good sign. When I was wishing for my ex to care, I secretly imagined that he did. Not that it's hitting home that he hasn't contacted, I imagine that he doesn't care. Really, I can't know... but the point is that there is that tendency to think that what you are thinking or feeling is shared when it's not.

 

I think the thing giving me hope is the reasons I was told why the BU happened, and how if she was being honest it was nothing to do with me, it was the fact she doesn't want to be with anyone, and the fact that she still isn't. So that's were it's coming from I imagine.

 

I'm going into the date fully ready to move on and i'm doing pretty good now. It's just weird to still think that all the time.

[sarah_valentine]

Her 'not wanting to be with anyone' is a nice way of saying I don't want to be with you. Or alternatively, you are not awesome enough for me to hold onto even though all this stuff is going on in my life.

 

My ex came along at a REALLY inconvenient time for me. I also got asked out by another nice guy. To nice guy I said 'I'm sorry I'm really not looking for a relationship right now blah blah blah...' to the ex, I thought... damn I can't let him go. I put my interests on hold because I thought he was something special. Multiple times throughout the relationship I was tempted to call it quits... and each time I stayed because despite everything, I wanted to be with him.

 

The final reason I broke up with him was because it finally wasn't worth it to me. He was not giving me what I needed or wanted, and I realised I was better than that. Even in the future, I now think 'meh, probably wouldn't go back there because you're not worth it to me.' He would have to be DIFFERENT for me to want him back... which basically contradicts me wanting him back, because I only want a different him, not really him.

 

If this lady wanted you, she would have been with you. Trust me, as someone who enjoys being single and all the freedom that it provides, being in a relationship with the right person still trumps that. Eg. I'd love to travel, I'd love to travel EVEN MORE with that awesome guy... being "single" when there is someone you want waiting there is just horrible. I go out to clubs now and I'm like man this sucks... yeah fun to hang out with my friends, but I'd rather a guy be there to hug and hold me and socialise together.

 

So the break up probably didn't have anything to do with you, you didn't do anything wrong... but at the same time, you weren't enough for her to make her want to invest. Wouldn't you rather be with that lady that wants to hang out, looks at you at thinks you're amazing, tells you you're the hottest thing out, and wouldn't want to let you go? Wouldn't you want to be with someone that doesn't even want to THINK about you not being there with them?

 

Go out and find love... it's not with that lady. Stop wanting scraps from someone, seriously have higher hopes for yourself and find someone that wants you just as much as you want them.

 

Edited to add: When I say you weren't enough for her - this is entirely from her perspective. I basically got rejected too and it sucks, it's taking awhile to deal with, but I also know that I am awesome and my ex was a total fool not to see that. Although I don't think I'm perfect and there's areas I would like to improve myself in, I also think it's pretty difficult to find better than me. I LIKE me. You could give me free reign and I would never cheat, I always try to act with integrity - how many people are like that nowdays? Find what you like about yourself and build on it. I'm sure you also have awesome qualities, and for whatever reason she didn't realise it or want it. But someone else will!!

Edited November 2, 2012 by sarah_valentine

[Simon Phoenix]

suladas, her saying "she doesn't want to be with anyone" is her trying to be nice. You got to get past that, and the feeling that she wants to contact you. Until she does contact you, assume that she has no inclination to. I haven't talked to my ex in six weeks and until she contacts me, I'm assuming there is no interest. If you keep making up things in your head, you are never going to move on. I mean, she lives right next door, it'd be the easiest thing in the world to come over and she hasn't. That's pretty telling to me.

[boblet]

my ex hit me with that line also, "I don't want to be with anyone", "I just want to focus on my career", "This year is the busiest year of my life" --> which is probably true, however, he works and goes to school near to my place, so if I was REALLY that important, he'd be finding a way and not an excuse. So I agree with Simon, because I'm sure if my ex saw someone he was interested in, he won't be moping around feeling sorry for himself, I'm sure he'd go for it. I know how you feel though it sucks when there's that incessant and nagging hope of them contacting.

 

On another note, I don't think my ex is over me though. I creeped his FB (I really shouldn't I know), he went out of his way to put his pictures on public, posting multiples pictures after I cut contact and deleted him off everything, flashing his new outfits and hair (which he knew I'd like). It's odd he actually went out of his way and changed his pictures to public, he's a really private guy so I wonder if it's a way to get my attention because I know for sure he thinks I'm so hung over him, probably keeping tabs on him; I'm almost sure he's waiting for me to slip up and contact to boost his ego. Or maybe he wants to show me what I'm missing out on, although he broke up with me :S

[cavalier99]

Hi boblet. My breakup was beginning of October and it was relatively amicable.

 

After staying over at her house that last night and being together, I looked at her once last time and we hugged and said goodbye forever. I went to my car blocked her number and just sat there crying. The same day she sent me a super nice long email about all the good times, how she truly loved me ecetera. I also emailed her back and told her the same. However by the end of the day I sent emails saying.

 

"I was going NC",

"We wont be friends"

"Under no circumstances except life of death did I want to hear from her"

"Maybe we could catch up in a year or so"

 

In retrospect I probably shouldn't have sent anything but I haven't heard from her so I guess it was actually OK. She has history of being friends with EX's and I knew this would kill be, even before discovering this forum and about NC.

 

I was also needy and begging the few weeks pre-breakup, NOT after. It was discussed openly that she wanted to move on and was interested in someone else who expressed interest. So I had already expected a breakup since September. That month was hell. I went into rapid reaction, needy begging, save relationship mode, after being relatively lazy about things. She even said at one point "If I were you Id just breakup with me". And I still stuck around like a tool just to spend a few extra weeks with her knowing she wanted to move on. How pitiful. I lost all self respect for myself. NEVER again will I beg for someone to stay.

 

She might have lost some respect for me but in the end it is OK. It happened and it doesn't really matter now. It is a lesson for any future relationship to not sacrifice your self esteem.

 

I also find myself browsing LS lot. It has been great, but at the same time I have even cried about how pitiful I feel stuck on a relationship forum while she is moving on

 

I DON'T however look here for answers about why she did what she did. This is a total waste of time. It is OK not to know 100% why. I feel that I have enough reasons in my head from actually talking with her. However NONE of these reasons has actually made me feel better. The EX probably cant even tell you. NO answer will make you feel better. Just just make one up!! Their feelings changed..End of story. Really really think about it.

 

I'm thinking closure thru "understanding why" is really a load of crap and true closure comes from within and us accepting it is truly over. Not the reason why.

 

I do realize that I made mistakes in the relationship and I took thing for granted. Deep down I know If I had done more we might still be together. She made this clear. In some ways I let her go and she eventually found a new guy.

 

I agree we just need to forgive ourselves and them also. I actually realize I probably should have ended things a few years ago after she cheated but we both remained stuck out of convenience. I did love her and she loved me. But if a relationship isn't moving forward it should end. Next time for me Ill think Ill have more courage to either commit fully or end things

 

Your doing great! Keep it up! Get out of your head and DON'T break NC.

 

(sorry to hijack the tread with some of my story)

[suladas]

I'm really back and forth on what it meant, I think it was sincere and honest. Just because many times even during the RS she said things like she's being selfish being with me because it's a lot of time away from her kids, and that even though she was crazy about me, she didn't feel like she was good enough to be with me and how she didn't think I should be with someone who has kids etc already and that I should find someone else and I know that was sincere.

 

There is plenty of different ways to put the pieces together and think of it in different ways. I know she could so easily contact me if she wanted to, but it doesn't really mean anything. I mean she might not be because she doesn't care or want to be with me, it could be she still does, but doesn't think it's a good idea.

 

I just stopped analyzing all of it, because it doesn't even matter anymore. I knew right from day one the chance we'd ever get back together was like one in a million, just because of so many reasons even beyond how we feel about each other. I wasn't blind, even when we were together I knew there was quite a few challenges and that even know we were crazy about each other the chance of it ever working out was incredibly low. I really don't even believe in ever getting back together either, only under very rare circumstances.

 

I'm not even caring much anymore TBH. And I told myself, I will never ever initiate contact with her, even in person, unless she speaks first I couldn't be bothered.

Edited November 2, 2012 by suladas