thinking about leaving

[candlelight01]

I'm not really familiar with the abbreviations, yet.

 

Basically, my wife had a 3-week EA from mid-Sept to early Oct with a man she met through an MMO. They exchanged phone numbers, texted, called had numerous explicit conversations online, exchanged non-explicit pictures, and exchanged "I love you"s.

 

When my D day hit, I was in a discovery mode of how much she had done...what the conversations were...when and what her feelings were on the whole thing (I found out my reading her online journal she keeps private..different story).

 

I realized she had lost 15 pounds in the last 3 weeks out of guilt, because she was not eating, she constantly questioned herself, and she wrote repeatedly that the only thing more important than him was me. I was the only non-negotiable thing. For this reason, I forgave her. She called him that night, ended it, it was done.

 

A week later, he messaged her. She had told me many times that she simply wondered how he was doing and asked me if she could talk to him. So when he messaged her, she responded. That led to more non-explicit conversations in the next few days, her downloading Skype on her work computer, talking to him via that last Thursday and again on Monday.

 

Monday, I called her on it. Today is Wednesday. We saw a counselor last night. She was bawling the whole time, because I had effectively decided to leave. She finally says she regrets it (a change). The counselor asked me to give it a week. I'm trying.

 

Is it reasonable for her to desire to communicate with him at this point? Is that the way it's supposed to be? Should she still be tempted to communicate with him? If it's reasonable, I won't be offended by it.

 

I simply link her admittance today of temptation to her desire to still contact him, and that's the desire that I won't be able to overcome, and will ultimately make me leave. I just want to make sure whether I'm being reasonable in doing so.

[candlelight01]

Our marriage has been good...not a lot of excess fighting or arguing about anything. The online EA just kind of hit her in a way that she wasn't expecting and that I couldn't have guessed, but our marriage by most measurements is a good one. She liked what she experienced with him, felt like she could have both, and that's why she didn't tell me.

[Furious]

I'm not really familiar with the abbreviations, yet.

 

Basically, my wife had a 3-week EA from mid-Sept to early Oct with a man she met through an MMO. They exchanged phone numbers, texted, called had numerous explicit conversations online, exchanged non-explicit pictures, and exchanged "I love you"s.

 

When my D day hit, I was in a discovery mode of how much she had done...what the conversations were...when and what her feelings were on the whole thing (I found out my reading her online journal she keeps private..different story).

 

I realized she had lost 15 pounds in the last 3 weeks out of guilt, because she

was not eating, she constantly questioned herself, and she wrote repeatedly

that the only thing more important than him was me. I was the only non-negotiable thing. For this reason, I forgave her. She called him that night, ended it, it was done.

 

A week later, he messaged her. She had told me many times that she simply wondered how he was doing and asked me if she could talk to him. So when he messaged her, she responded. That led to more non-explicit conversations in the next few days, her downloading Skype on her work computer, talking to him via that last Thursday and again on Monday.

 

Monday, I called her on it. Today is Wednesday. We saw a counselor last

night. She was bawling the whole time, because I had effectively decided to leave. She finally says she regrets it (a change). The counselor asked me to give it a week. I'm trying.

 

Is it reasonable for her to desire to communicate with him at this point? Is that the way it's supposed to be? Should she still be tempted to communicate with him? If it's reasonable, I won't be offended by it.

 

I simply link her admittance today of temptation to her desire to still contact him, and that's the desire that I won't be able to overcome, and will ultimately make me leave. I just want to make sure whether I'm being reasonable in doing so.

 

You are not being unreasonable, if anything you were more than

compassionate and she took complete advantage of you and continued to lie.

 

If you need your space, demand that she leave, show her that you will not put

up with more deception. Until your wife experiences true consequence for her betrayal she will remain in limbo.

 

Keep your cool, pack her suitcase and wish her well, because you will no longer tolerate being disrespected. More often than not, sending a WS spouse packing is the only way to snap them out of their fog.

 

You will either have a very remorseful spouse who will move heaven and earth to change and rebuild or you will have saved yourself from someone who is a

lost cause.

 

This is what is referred to as the 180.

[candlelight01]

Interesting. She yesterday sent him an e-mail that basically said "don't contact me again. It's over. I'm sorry I ever got into this with you. I was stupid...yadda yadda yadda."

 

I know that if she were to have a full-blown relationship with him, it would likely end in heartache for her. Therefore I don't want to do anything to encourage that.

 

Do you think me packing up her bags and telling her to get lost would encourage that?

 

Thanks.

[candlelight01]

More importantly, the biggest questions I had were:

 

Is it reasonable for her to desire to communicate with him at this point? Is that the way it's supposed to be? Should she still be tempted to communicate with him? If it's reasonable, I won't be offended by it.

[whichwayisup]

I'm not really familiar with the abbreviations, yet.

 

Basically, my wife had a 3-week EA from mid-Sept to early Oct with a man she met through an MMO. They exchanged phone numbers, texted, called had numerous explicit conversations online, exchanged non-explicit pictures, and exchanged "I love you"s.

 

When my D day hit, I was in a discovery mode of how much she had done...what the conversations were...when and what her feelings were on the whole thing (I found out my reading her online journal she keeps private..different story).

 

I realized she had lost 15 pounds in the last 3 weeks out of guilt, because she was not eating, she constantly questioned herself, and she wrote repeatedly that the only thing more important than him was me. I was the only non-negotiable thing. For this reason, I forgave her. She called him that night, ended it, it was done.

 

A week later, he messaged her. She had told me many times that she simply wondered how he was doing and asked me if she could talk to him. So when he messaged her, she responded. That led to more non-explicit conversations in the next few days, her downloading Skype on her work computer, talking to him via that last Thursday and again on Monday.

 

Monday, I called her on it. Today is Wednesday. We saw a counselor last night. She was bawling the whole time, because I had effectively decided to leave. She finally says she regrets it (a change). The counselor asked me to give it a week. I'm trying.

 

Is it reasonable for her to desire to communicate with him at this point? Is that the way it's supposed to be? Should she still be tempted to communicate with him? If it's reasonable, I won't be offended by it.

 

I simply link her admittance today of temptation to her desire to still contact him, and that's the desire that I won't be able to overcome, and will ultimately make me leave. I just want to make sure whether I'm being reasonable in doing so.

 

She has to let go and totally go into NC mode. That is hard on her and she's having or will have withdrawal. Which is why she contacts him or he contacts her.

 

Some give a little grace period, (detachment, closure etc) when ending an A.. She isn't looking to continue the A, right? (I hope she isn't!) Her reasons to contact him is what? To see if he's okay, or to tell him how she feels?

 

She does need to make a choice. Without crocodile tears too. Her bawling in counseling is manipulative on some level so she can be the victim. And that's not right at all.

 

is the OM married or have a girlfriend? If so, time to tell them the about the A.

[Furious]

Interesting. She yesterday sent him an e-mail that basically said "don't contact me again. It's over. I'm sorry I ever got into this with you. I was stupid...yadda yadda yadda."

 

I know that if she were to have a full-blown relationship with him, it would likely end in heartache for her. Therefore I don't want to do anything to encourage that.

 

Do you think me packing up her bags and telling her to get lost would encourage that?

 

Thanks.

 

 

When I discovered my husband's affair, I handed him his suitcase and wished him well. It was the scariest and bravest thing I ever did. At the time I didn't know what the 180 was, I just instinctively knew I wouldn't monitor him, spend my days double checking where he was or if he was in contact with the other woman. I wanted my husband gone, not because it was a trick or game I was playing, but because I wasn't going to fight for him but fight for myself.

 

I realize that letting someone you love go is traumatic, but I really believe that fear of letting them go only makes it's easier for the wayward spouse

to want both the marriage and the other person.

 

 

Your wife must choose either you or the other man. You can't give her the luxury of choosing both, even if you think you're protecting her from being hurt by the other man. She knows you won't let her go and that gives her the power to keep you dangling on a string.

Edited November 1, 2012 by Furious

[candlelight01]

She has to let go and totally go into NC mode. That is hard on her and she's having or will have withdrawal. Which is why she contacts him or he contacts her.

 

Some give a little grace period, (detachment, closure etc) when ending an A.. She isn't looking to continue the A, right? (I hope she isn't!) Her reasons to contact him is what? To see if he's okay, or to tell him how she feels?

 

She does need to make a choice. Without crocodile tears too. Her bawling in counseling is manipulative on some level so she can be the victim. And that's not right at all.

 

is the OM married or have a girlfriend? If so, time to tell them the about the A.

 

How much of a grace period should I give, and her reasons for contacting him really were to see how he was doing, because she cared for him and yes...she (at least is convince) loved/s him. The OM is married and told my W he left his W for her. I verified that with his wife, and it is true. This affected my wife emotionally even more, obviously.

 

But this stuff about being "tempted" to contact him if I go away on business or something...I mean, she's being honest. Should I take this as a sign that she is really not ready to give him up regardless what she says, and she will eventually go back to him whether I'm here or not? Or again, do I take it as just normal, natural feelings in the process for now and not freak out too much about them for the time being. If it's the former, I'd better leave now. If it's the latter, I'd like an idea of when I should expect these feelings to be over for her, given a loving, caring, forgiving course of action by me.

 

Thank you so much.

Edited November 1, 2012 by candlelight01

[Furious]

It seems odd that a man would leave his wife after a three week emotional affair. THREE WEEKS? There's something fishy about the Other Man.

[StormySeas]

I agree that there may be more here than a quick three week relationship, or you may have more to worry about in your marriage than you thought.

 

While you definitely want her to go non-communication with this person, it's not unreasonable from her perspective to fight to stay in communication. My husband had a physical affair, but still desperately fought to keep his other woman in our lives because she was such an important "friend". I just find that most people in these situations tend to lose touch with reality, and tend to expect their husband/wives to totally understand that they have a special bond with the other person and that can't just suddenly evaporate. Rational? Of course not...but folks that have EAs/PAs tend to be selfish and entitled folks that not only don't see rationally, but only see their perspective.

 

I agree that telling her to hit the road makes sense. Show some strength and resolve. Demand the whole entire truth if she wants to try to make amends, but calmly show her the exit until she can figure out what she wants. If you get the 180, great...but she needs to be fully re-dedicated to you. None of this BS about the other person deserving or needing anything. Or she is goneso for good.

[whichwayisup]

Lay it all out on the line for her.

 

She can pack up and move out, go be with MM (married man) but you get the house and the kids. She can come visit them ALONE.

And during that time you'll be talking to a lawyer.

 

Let her live life without you in it.

 

She has some fantasy going .. So does this married man. This guy actually left his wife after a 3 week fling? No way was it just emotional and NO way did they NOT have sex.

 

Unless this man was ready to walk out the door before the EA started, I don't believe for one second that she's telling you the full truth.

 

Anyway, her choices are stay with you and cut all contact with him and get to counseling with you (marriage counseling) and on her own (use same person for both) or she can move out.

 

Grace period, meaning she is going to slip up once in a while..Talking is one thing but her making efforts to see him or reconnect/start up the A is another.

 

I say in your head give her 3 weeks or so ..After that come down harder on her.

 

Ask her to tell you any time they speak or email. See how honest she is about that too.

[96nole]

It seems odd that a man would leave his wife after a three week emotional affair. THREE WEEKS? There's something fishy about the Other Man.

Yep.

 

Your wife met this guy playing an online video game? And he is ready to leave his 'wife' after talking to yours for 3 weeks?

 

He is ready to leave to be with your wife because:

1. (if he's really married) his wife is on his ass to get off the couch and get a real job

2. He's not married and his mom is on his ass to get off the couch and get a real job

3. He's completely lying and trying to just get a piece of ass.

 

This guy is full on bad news. Not only does your wife need to go no contact with him, but you also need to pull the plug on the video game. Video games are fun and can be a great way to kill some time. But it appears she has lost touch with reality because of it. I purposely avoid games like this because I know I'll lose myself in them. MMO's are designed that way to keep you interested in the game so you will keep paying your monthly subscription.

 

She now has two choices:

1. You. which means no more online douche bag or video game

2. online game and douche bag. Which means divorce.

[robf1971]

Yep.

 

3. He's completely lying and trying to just get a piece of ass..

 

Most likely, and if it somehow turns out he is married, for heaven's sake tell his wife.

[candlelight01]

Thank you for your responses.

 

Yes, the OM said he hadn't loved his wife for years, and he was basically looking for a reason to leave. This EA provided him that reason. Well, her grace period's over. I would have given her 3 weeks, except that she took exactly 1 to talk to him, as I said.

 

Now, we're in front of a therapist, and Therapist tells me...no, asks me, not to leave. Well great. I wanted to get out for a while, if not for good, just to clear my head.

[Furious]

Thank you for your responses.

 

Yes, the OM said he hadn't loved his wife for years, and he was basically looking for a reason to leave. This EA provided him that reason. Well, her grace period's over. I would have given her 3 weeks, except that she took exactly 1 to talk to him, as I said.

 

Now, we're in front of a therapist, and Therapist tells me...no, asks me, not to leave. Well great. I wanted to get out for a while, if not for good, just to clear my head.

 

 

What happened in your session?

[candlelight01]

Ummm...she cried a lot in the first one Tuesday and it was a bunch of "ask her this...repeat back to her what she said..." stuff. Then today, Thurs (this all ended Monday), the therapist asked us to talk to each other about why we think she did it again.

 

Honestly...I guess I will regret leaving, if she wouldn't have cheated again had I stayed. And I'll regret staying if she cheats again and I didn't leave. I mean heck, it's a lot easier to leave. I don't have to feel, if I leave. I don't have to think about it beyond legal stuff..I mean, I can effectively isolate myself from the whole situation instead of sitting here with her in the other room reminding me of it by her very existence. I know I'll feel some but not as much as I inevitably will if I stay.

 

I don't think I'll get married again. Too much pain as the downside of attachment. I think the core commitment in me that developed six years ago wants me to stay. She is sorry. She says she regrets it, which is not what she said the first time. Still, though...it's almost like the survival instinct in me tells me to leave. I don't know which is more rational.

[Furious]

Ummm...she cried a lot in the first one Tuesday and it was a bunch of "ask her this...repeat back to her what she said..." stuff. Then today, Thurs (this all ended Monday), the therapist asked us to talk to each other about why we think she did it again.

 

Honestly...I guess I will regret leaving, if she wouldn't have cheated again had I stayed. And I'll regret staying if she cheats again and I didn't leave. I mean heck, it's a lot easier to leave. I don't have to feel, if I leave. I don't have to think about it beyond legal stuff..I mean, I can effectively isolate myself from the whole situation instead of sitting here with her in the other room reminding me of it by her very existence. I know I'll feel some but not as much as I inevitably will if I stay.

 

I don't think I'll get married again. Too much pain as the downside of attachment. I think the core commitment in me that developed six years ago

wants me to stay. She is sorry. She says she regrets it, which is not what she said the first time. Still, though...it's almost like the survival instinct in me tells me to leave. I don't know which is more rational.

 

 

It's difficult to second guess staying or going, giving up or trying to work things out, if you no longer trust your wife. When a spouse cheats and

then lies and breaks their word it's crazy making for the betrayed spouse.

 

Needing your space is a good thing, it allows you to think more on how you feel about the entire situation. You can still continue MC even if you're not under the same roof and see how things go from there.

Edited November 2, 2012 by Furious

[whichwayisup]

Honestly...I guess I will regret leaving, if she wouldn't have cheated again had I stayed. And I'll regret staying if she cheats again and I didn't leave. I mean heck, it's a lot easier to leave. I don't have to feel, if I leave. I don't have to think about it beyond legal stuff..I mean, I can effectively isolate myself from the whole situation instead of sitting here with her in the other room reminding me of it by her very existence. I know I'll feel some but not as much as I inevitably will if I stay.

 

This is why I always say it take a special person with a big heart to want to save a marriage that suffered infidelity. It isn't easy. of course it's easier to just say fu.ck it and leave, grieve the loss and go on. Or as you say, isolate yourself, never open up to anybody again, be alone and never get married.. But, that's not living, that's allowing HER power over you and allowing HER to ruin your life. No way do I want you to give up and roll over. Whatever the outcome is, if you stay and work on things, at least if it ends YOU will know deep in your heart you tried and gave it your best.

 

She has to earn your trust again. So far, what has she done? Other than cry and say sorry. What have her actions shown you so far?