Feeling betrayed

November 6, 2012

So today I confronted my husbamd in regard to the password he suddenly put on his phone after Idiscovered he signed up for dating services.I told him that after researching the subject it is considered a red flag when a husband feels he needs to put a password on his phone and computer.It suggests that a spouse might be cheating or doing something they shouldn't be.

He stated that it was done because of his job. (he uses a work phone) that if his phone or computer was taken it would be bad since some info. is confidential. I guess that is somewhat true because he has spoke of this.

He got his phone and said "do you want to look " I said yes. I looked at his texts and emails and did not discover anything. I stated that he could of erased it,renamed it or hid it. He then asked if I wanted the password. I told him it wasn't necessary.

He says he is not cheating and that he never has. He signed up for the dating services because he was ready to give up on us. Felt I wasn't trying in the bedroom or addressing his needs.

Somewhat true. His needs are unusual and I feel most women would agree. Really don't want to say what.

He said it is not good to have complete honesty in a marriage. Such as it's a secret what he bought me for christmas or if maybe one of the kids disagreeded with me he wouldn't want to disclose that. He says no marriage is completely honest.

His story is mularkey.

All marriages are dishonest, huh? Do all marriages have a spouse that is going to dating websites and trying to cheat? I love how he blamed it on you. Sadly, you're taking it on yourself, too. I wonder how long he would have gone on getting his "needs" fulfilled by someone else during your marriage? It apparently didn't occur to him to either fix his marriage or respectfully leave it.

I'm assuming you're still not up for taking care of his sexual perversions. How long do you suppose until he has someone else doing it? Of course, you may never know since he's now managed to justify lying to you by saying, "Everybody does it."

November 6, 2012

My opinion: your husband is a serial cheater, and the reckless kind that can get STDs. He lacks the experience and decided to make up for the lost time.

You shouldn't do anything sexual that you don't want to do. I have a lower libido husband and he's never ever done anything sexual under pressure. It taught me that human beings shouldn't be pushed into something they don't fully want. Frustrating, but reality.

My advice: separate or at least stop any physical contact. Give him whatevertime to get himself together, and then test him if you take him back. You can't test for hpv, but he's already exposing you to who knows what. Where he is right now, you trying to work things out and nice him into being the good husband you want will not get you sustainable results.

Edited November 6, 2012 by cutedragon

November 7, 2012

I kind of agree BetrayedH, I don't totally buy it. My gut feeling is it's not totally true.

Cutedragon I also agree. I don't think someone should be forced into doing things they aren't comfortable with. And again he seems to think well you are not doing the things I want and if you loved me you would. Well maybe to a point.

Okay I guess I'll try and say more than I'm comfortable with but I need to know if it's him or me.

He has always been willing to do ANYTHING to me. It's not like I requested it, some of it I like a lot . He doesn't care if I showered or not.

He is very oral and very anal. If we are going to do "things" I am more comfortable if we have showered first. He likes spontaneous sex.

There's something he'd like me to do to him that I find gross and abnormal. I told him I thought maybe he was bisexual.He got mad. I said fine if you think this is normal you ask your friend if his wife would do this and I'll ask my sister if she ever would do this to my brother in law. They both said NO.

Uncomfortable saying this but guys would you ask your wife to put her tongue up your a** and would woman feel comfortable doing that to a guy. This is what I'm up against.

Oral sex, I'll do it to a point then stop .He is upset I will not let it happen in my mouth.

French kissing he loves, I'm alright with. I have been trying to do that more.Not an unusual request. Probably my issue.

Sorry if I offended anyone but I'm not sure if I'm a prude or he's a sexual defiant. Help ?

I am to the point where if he feels he's not satisfied just leave. I will be ok. I'm not going to keep trying to appease you. I am only going to do what I'm comfortable with and if you want more well then go.I don't feel most men are looking for this.

He has this rational that when you see a happy couple it must be because she is pleasing him in bed. REALLY ? I said to him you honestly believe every couple we see young and old, skinny and overweight etc is happy because of what happens in the bedroom and that she pleased him.He can't understand that other things make a marriage work too

November 7, 2012

I think your husband believes too much the porn he watches because his lack of real life experience.

I think anal play is something that most do not do, and he should be happy you are open to that. If you don't want to do something, he should accept it. It doesn't matter who does it any who doesn't.

You need to step back while he's exploring, or you'll get an STD without even having the fun.

November 7, 2012

I dunno if that is necessarily only a guy thing. Everyone wants to feel wanted by their lover, guys and girls. I hope that you initiate at least once in a while. At the same time, it sounds like you are already above and beyond most people's comfort level if you going along with oral and anal. Unless he is trying to think of crazy places to try it, dunno where else he is planning to go! In any case, the simple act of asking for some action turns a guy on. It's flattering, it speaks to our ego. We have big egos that need that.

Maybe her husband wants her to stand on her head while he sticks things in her butt. Lol. He sounds pretty unreasonable to me which makes him sound pretty disgusting.

November 7, 2012

He has always been willing to do ANYTHING to me. It's not like I requested it, some of it I like a lot . He doesn't care if I showered or not.

He is very oral and very anal. If we are going to do "things" I am more comfortable if we have showered first. He likes spontaneous sex.

He's nasty. Plain and simple.

There's something he'd like me to do to him that I find gross and abnormal. I told him I thought maybe he was bisexual.He got mad. I said fine if you think this is normal you ask your friend if his wife would do this and I'll ask my sister if she ever would do this to my brother in law. They both said NO.

Uncomfortable saying this but guys would you ask your wife to put her tongue up your a** and would woman feel comfortable doing that to a guy. This is what I'm up against.

I would not do this. It's unsanitary.

French kissing he loves, I'm alright with. I have been trying to do that more.Not an unusual request. Probably my issue.

This is your issue. The majority of people want this, and they want it to be good.

I am to the point where if he feels he's not satisfied just leave. I will be ok. I'm not going to keep trying to appease you. I am only going to do what I'm comfortable with and if you want more well then go.I don't feel most men are looking for this.

Good for you, your husband is or has become a selfish PIG.

He has this rational that when you see a happy couple it must be because she is pleasing him in bed. REALLY ? I said to him you honestly believe every couple we see young and old, skinny and overweight etc is happy because of what happens in the bedroom and that she pleased him.He can't understand that other things make a marriage work too

Your husband has issues.

November 7, 2012

Your husband's behavior is throwing up a bunch of red flags and if I was married to him I would not take his explanations at face value.

My husband started acting strangely this summer, July timeframe. Irritable and sometimes mean, started spending more and more time at work (his affair was with a coworker), started dressing better for work. Early August I looked at my cell bill in more detail since I was already suspicious. A bunch of texts over 1.5 days to a number I didn't recognize. A little internet research brought me the name of his coworker and her now ex-fiance'. There were other very seemingly small incidents I did not choose to ignore. Went into heavy investigative mode; two keyloggers (each one generates and delivers results differently), a voice activated recorder in his car (which ended up being the nail in the coffin for the affair....irrefutable evidence), keeping a close eye on my cell phone bill, his email, internet activity, etc.

Had I chosen to believe the bullcrap he was feeding me at first and for some time into this s*itty situation, I would have just gone on refusing to acknowledge what was taking place right under my nose.

Perhaps your husband hasn't done anything but with the red flag behavior he's showing, I would snoop and dig deep. You also need to educate yourself on the household finances. You are doing yourself a huge disservice by not doing whatever it takes to know what is taking place with your own money.

Me personally, I handle the finances in our household. But everything I do with our money is tracked in a spreadsheet and while my husband isn't all that interested in knowing, the information is available to him at anytime he has a need/want to know. Don't keep yourself in the dark.

As far as him letting you look at his phone, he very well could have deleted anything suspicious before he let you look at it. In that case he would have thought that out before letting you take a peek at the phone. People who cheat serially can be and often are smooth, very practiced liars and manipulators.

The thing with snooping, you have to be able to collect information without blowing up every time you come across something. You have to become a bit of an actress and control your reactions. If you blow up every time you find something he'll just get sneakier and hide things better. Trust me, it's not fun and I'm not the most patient person on earth, but I did it long enough to finally have evidence he could not deny. He drove his car around for three weeks not knowing he was sitting just above a voice-activated recorder velcroed to the underside of the drivers seat of his car. The evidence came in the time between week 2 and 3. More than once I would get up around midnight to retrieve the recorder from the car, scared as hell he would wake up and catch me. Thankfully he never did.

I know I sound like a real Negative Nancy but from your description, I wouldn't trust your husband if he told me the sky was blue....I'd have to go outside and check to make sure. Signing up for dating sites because you aren't delivering what he wants in bed isn't kosher. Nor is having another woman in your house given the situation you describe.

For your sake I hope you choose to investigate this situation further. I once believed my husband wouldn't risk everything he had for some twit.....I was completely wrong.

Also, like many others have mentioned, get tested for STDs.

Edited November 7, 2012 by tornandconfused12

November 7, 2012

Also, like many others have mentioned, get tested for STDs.

Cooperzoey, your main concern right now needs to be your health. You are going to have to do whatever you have to in order to protect yourself, whether your husband likes it or not. His suspicious mean behavior, and his aggressive nasty sexual desires and practices are a waving red flag that you cannot ignore.

November 7, 2012

I am glad to has this forum for advice .

I have been tested and everything is fine.

I agree that he seems to think what he sees online in regard to sex is "real"

Anyone on that type of site is going to suggest people do these types of things all the time. I don't plan on doing those particular things.

He has gone for counseling in the past . I don't think he provides them with the full story. He paints a picture of me being this woman who is unwilling to address his wants and needs that is selfish and disinterested. He tells me the therapists agree with him. That I am the one who needs to change. I suspect if I was there they wouldn't agree. I tried to go with him once but he canceled it.

Your right Tara I shouldn't of blown up about what I knew. I wish I didn't.I was just so mad and I wanted him to know that I knew and he wasn't going to hide the things he did from me. I have been watching him put his password in. I think I almost know it.

November 7, 2012

Torn and Confused, I have become more observant to his actions and what he says.

Lately things have been ok, Nothing out of the ordinary. He isn't dressing up for work or doing anything right now that I question. When I was looking at his phone and emails I was able to know his real thoughts. Conversations between him and his male friend. He has been looking for advice from.

He comes right out and says he knows a lot of our problems are him that he is difficult and a jerk and an a**.

Without seeing his phone I really have no idea if anything is up. I would of never known if I hadn't snooped so until I can get past the password.

November 8, 2012

it sounds like you love your husband and don't want to beleive that he may have had some kind of relationship with other women. A locked phone is a red flag. A stranger in your home is a red flag. He was on a dating sight looking for women and one came running to your door and in your home. I doubt they sat down for coffee and cake.

My husband locked his phone at one point and I saw he was sending inappropriate IM's to someone on FB. When you confront them they will always play it down.

When I think about the issues my H and I have in our own bedroom, I was upset to know that he had no issues getting it up for the hoe bag he decided to break our marriage for. I remember him asking me to act a certain way and do certain things. I am sure he was inspired by his experience.

The part that worries me in your situation is that he doesn't seem to want to stop. If he can have his cake and eat it too, I am sure he will.

You have to put a stop to that. He should shut down his dating service and open himself up to you if he expects you to trust him. Spending this time together communicating while he is still withholding his phone information and logged into a dating site doesn't show an interest to rebuild.

I hope that things fall into place for you. I am sorry you are going through this. Just knowing that our spouses can make these choices is hurtful. The next part is figuring out whether to move on with or without them. If he can't give that up then he has made the decision for you both.

Good Luck.

November 8, 2012

He works from home and I leave to go to two jobs so he always has the house to himself.I sometimes think we would get along better if we didn't see each other so much. We decided to start going away once a month to rekindle things.

This will sound unbelievable to most of you but I have no idea about are finances. He does everything online. I never questioned it til recently.He has a password on his computer and his phone. Can't check anything. I am on my computer which he doesn't use.

So if I understand you correctly, he works from home and you work two jobs out of the home?

Why does he need a password on his phone/computer if he doesn't have to worry about clients/coworkers, etc. getting access to passwords if he is the only one who uses it? I mean, he is at home by himself all day so who is he guarding his information against?

Something here doesn't make sense. Remember, when it doesn't make sense there is a reason for that.

November 9, 2012

it sounds like you love your husband and don't want to beleive that he may have had some kind of relationship with other women. A locked phone is a red flag. A stranger in your home is a red flag. He was on a dating sight looking for women and one came running to your door and in your home. I doubt they sat down for coffee and cake.

Yeah, what she said^^^. Op, your husband is a very nasty person. I would not expose myself to disease with him until I found out what is going on. For starters, demand that he give you the password to his phone and computer, and read what's on it right there in front of him.

When I think about the issues my H and I have in our own bedroom, I was upset to know that he had no issues getting it up for the hoe bag he decided to break our marriage for. I remember him asking me to act a certain way and do certain things. I am sure he was inspired by his experience.

LMAO!!!

November 9, 2012

It has been awhile since I posted.My husband and I have been talking about things.A lot of things actually.I think we can work it out.

I think I overreacted.I do sometimes get jealous.In some of the posts some things have been blurred.First up I found a conversation on his phone which was not sexual in any matter in fact it was an innocent conversation.I was upset because I had no idea who this woman was.This happened months ago.I confronted my H who told me she was a female friend.He ease the one to tell me she had come over.I never caught him doing anything.Even when I unexpectedly come home.

I did discover two months ago that he signed up for dating services.When I searched his phone some woman did respond.He never responded back.I checked the hide on his phone and the trash.Nothing.

I did say my h has some weird wants.What he WANTS from me and what he GETS are totally different.I haven't done anything weird even whenhe suggests things.I think he is just being a guy fantasizing about things as some men and woman do.Just because a guy might dream about having twins in the bedroom.Doesn't mean it will ever happen.

I saw the bank statements.Nothing out of the ordinary.He has taken the password off his phone.I checked lots if places.I surprised him again with asking so he couldn't of erased it.I can't condemn him over just feelings I have. There is absolutely no proof.He definetly made very poor decisions and acted inappropriate.I don't think he is gulity.

I hope we can work it out.He is actually a good man.He has done a lot of good things.Its wrong of me to judge without any REAL proof.

I do appreciate everyones advice.Thanks.

Edited November 12, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

November 10, 2012

Your husband was trying to date other people behind your back. That's ok with you?

November 10, 2012

It has been awhile since I posted.My husband and I have been talking about things.A lot of things actually.I think we can work it out.

I think I overreacted.I do sometimes get jealous.In some of the posts some things have been blurred.First up I found a conversation on his phone which was not sexual in any matter in fact it was an innocent conversation.I was upset because I had no idea who this woman was.This happened months ago.I confronted my H who told me she was a female friend.He ease the one to tell me she had come over.I never caught him doing anything.Even when I unexpectedly come home.

I did discover two months ago that he signed up for dating services.When I searched his phone some woman did respond.He never responded back.I checked the hide on his phone and the trash.Nothing.

I did say my h has some weird wants.What he WANTS from me and what he GETS are totally different.I haven't done anything weird even whenhe suggests things.I think he is just being a guy fantasizing about things as some men and woman do.Just because a guy might dream about having twins in the bedroom.Doesn't mean it will ever happen.

I saw the bank statements.Nothing out of the ordinary.He has taken the password off his phone.I checked lots if places.I surprised him again with asking so he couldn't of erased it.I can't condemn him over just feelings I have. There is absolutely no proof.He definetly made very poor decisions and acted inappropriate.I don't think he is gulity.

I hope we can work it out.He is actually a good man.He has done a lot of good things.Its wrong of me to judge without any REAL proof.

I do appreciate everyones advice.Thanks.

Are you freakin' kidding me?? Your husband signed up for a dating service and you're just going to act like nothings wrong?! I really suggest you grow a backbone. They say that ignorance is bliss, but not if you catch an STD. Good luck to you.

Edited November 12, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

November 10, 2012

Your husband should not be talking to women online like he has. It is entirely inappropriate and disrespectful to you...at the minimum. In reality, he is gas lighting you and utterly lying to you about his intentions with these women. ...watch out!

November 11, 2012

I have seen people on this forum state they suspect their spouse of cheating.Then people crucify them for not having any real proof.Tell them they rep horrible for suspecting them without proof.I have NO proof.

I can't say I am ok with anything he did.I still don't trust him.But again I have no proo

f .YES he did do sh*t I'm not ok with.I'm not saying what he did was right.

He talked to a woman on a forum just as I am talking to you.She had issues with her significant other.He had questions about us.No! She should not of been at my house.But how am I acting any different than him looking for advice.

November 11, 2012

Really don't know what I want to believe.For all I know you may be right.I dunno.

I want things to be like they used to.We have been married a LONG time.I don't want to believe something could of really happened with someone else.You guys can understand that.How that feels.

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