lino Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 Can you seriously not see that life is better with friends? Forget about having more avenues to meet women, I've never ever known anyone who isn't interested in having friends. Seriously man, you know as well as anyone that women will flee for the smallest and most ridiculous of reasons... How will you cope when the person you've devoted all your heart, time and resources to decides she doesn't want you anymore 'just because'? Or are you naive enough to think that won't happen? 3
veggirl Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 Its prob better for you to add them now cause if they don't accept the friend request well, you never have to see them again so who cares!
Nightsky Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 Its prob better for you to add them now cause if they don't accept the friend request well, you never have to see them again so who cares! I'd also recommend a follow up private msg if they don't add you as a friend in a few days. Something like "How come you haven't added me as a friend, don't ignore this msg"
SmileFace Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 I'd also recommend a follow up private msg if they don't add you as a friend in a few days. Something like "How come you haven't added me as a friend, don't ignore this msg" Don't do this. Unless some how you were actually friends with these girls and hung out before. This is the fastest way to get blocked. 2
BubblyBeth Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 Any time you appear to be a "lone wolf", you will be viewed with suspicion, no matter how good looking or smooth you are. This isn't just you, it's every male ever. I get checked out about 50 times more by girls when I'm with my fiancee or while hanging out with guy friends than I do when I'm out doing things alone. I hope you're seeing the common theme here: finish your degree, find a career job, and work on getting a friend or two. TOTALLY agree with these. SD is not doing himself any favors by remaining isolated, waiting until the last second and turning everything into a major production. Overthinking really bogs down a person. I really feel sad for him. He keeps putting his hand on the stove. That's what a person does when they're not successful time after time yet keep repeating the same doomed mistakes. And I echo everyone else, you need your own life and interests outside of a GF. A relationship won't magically cure your ills. In fact, it often times can bring a lot of stress to the table. It's not all Hollywood romcom cute music and everyone lives happily ever after. It takes hard work, genuinely, and proper self-awareness and being aware of your partner's needs. You just seem to lack self-awareness in abundance. Part of the reason why everyone suggests you make a friend or two is you can learn through observing and also learn what it means to have a give-and-take platonic relationship. It's either that or pony up the cash for you know what. Sorry SD, there are no short cuts here.
Author somedude81 Posted December 6, 2012 Author Posted December 6, 2012 Sorry to hear things didn't go the way you wanted them to! I will echo the sentiment that having a career and making friends will go a long way. Cold approaching girls is one of the absolute WORST ways to get dates, even if you are the type of guy that can walk up to any girl with un-faked swagger and put something together. The approach you're taking (waiting for a window of opportunity to open up versus making your own window) only further decreases the odds of success. I know this because I've tried it. And failed, many times. What is making your own window? In that class I was looking for signs of any interest and was planning on acting when I got them. But that didn't really happen. I also was waiting for the "perfect" opportunity to talk to somebody which also didn't happen. Although I just recently realized that I did have one but I didn't capitalize on it. Back at the big dance I was wanting to dance with this one girl so bad but she was always taken. Finally I got her to myself but I was waiting for a salsa song to come on. So here I was awkwardly standing next to her making minimal small talk because it was hard to hear her. If I had half a brain I would have taken her by the hand and led her out of the ballroom to a quieter place where we could talk. God I'm such an idiot for not thinking back then. I was too focused on wanting to salsa with her when actually having a real conversation with her would have been much more productive. Ugh I hate myself. Any time you appear to be a "lone wolf", you will be viewed with suspicion, no matter how good looking or smooth you are. This isn't just you, it's every male ever. I get checked out about 50 times more by girls when I'm with my fiancee or while hanging out with guy friends than I do when I'm out doing things alone. When you say lone wolf, what situations are you talking about? When I'm the dance class, I'm always taking to girls and occasionally a couple of guys. I don't do the lone wolf thing. When class is out, yeah that's when I do the lone wolf and head to a quiet room to study. It's a big campus I don't run into people I see in my classes that often so nobody really knows that I eat my lunches alone. I hope you're seeing the common theme here: finish your degree, find a career job, and work on getting a friend or two. I'll be out of school May/June. I want a GF five years ago. Pro-tip: female friends trump male friends in terms of the potential for getting exposed to more single girls. That has absolutely not be the case for me at all. My female friends have never introduced me to their friends or invited me to any get togethers. Sure they'd talk to me about their friends, but I never met them. This happened with 10 or so girls that I considered real friends.
Author somedude81 Posted December 6, 2012 Author Posted December 6, 2012 (edited) Friended her and having very light banter BTW, she lists her self as single on FB, which is surprising for a couple of reasons. She's also 23. I thought she was younger. We exchanged messages for a bit, seemed to make her laugh then I ended it on a high note. Now to see if I can work with this situation. Edited December 6, 2012 by somedude81 3
ScreamingTrees Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 (edited) I'd have to agree with Somedude. It's always been easy as hell for me to make guy friends, but female friends? It just hasn't been easy. I've barely made any, they've just never been drawn to me, even as friends. ESPECIALLY with girls, it's as if I was the one who always had to repeatedly start these short conversations that they'd have very little interest in maintaining, and so I'd always just quit while I was ahead rather than bang my head against a brick wall after the first time.. Seems as though a lot of female aquaintances would fade away if I tried to make plans to hang out. Whatever. Edited December 6, 2012 by ScreamingTrees
Nightsky Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 Somedude making your own window of opportunity means creating a good chance to talk to a girl. Like you mentioned with the dance if you wanted to talk to the girl and it was to loud you walk her some where private. See if you go to class and you are so focused on talking to a girl before class but than she gets to class late, or she's on her cell and you're just like oh well no window. Than every day she is busy either talking to a friend or reading a book or what ever... at some point you have do something to create the opportunity to ask out the girl. Like I said you could have interrupted that guy and asked for a moment alone with the girl, or just said you wanted to show her something. 1
tman666 Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 What is making your own window? In that class I was looking for signs of any interest and was planning on acting when I got them. But that didn't really happen. I also was waiting for the "perfect" opportunity to talk to somebody which also didn't happen. Although I just recently realized that I did have one but I didn't capitalize on it. You want to know how I met my fiancee? When I saw her walk in the front door of the bar we were at (she was out with a girlfriend for the first time in months, I was out for the first time in months with a group of friends celebrating my roommate's birthday), something in my soul told me that I had to talk to her. Even if I went down in flames, I had to see what she was about. So this is what I did. I waited about 3 minutes-just enough for her and her friend to take a seat on a couch, but not long enough for her to get swamped by a bunch of other guys-and I walked over there, head high, chest out, and sat down right beside her. I didn't ask "hey is anyone sitting here?" or "excuse me, miss, but do you mind if I sit next to you?". Nope. I just went and sat down and said, "Hi, I'm Tman. What's your name? Ok, cool, nice to meet you. So what's your story? Blah blah blah..." We ended up talking for about 4 hours that night, exchanging numbers, and parting ways amicably at the end of the night. She wasn't there to be "picked up", and I wasn't there to pick anyone up. It was a real, casual, lightly flirty conversation between two people. Let's look at this for a second in terms of creating one's own opportunity. I didn't wait for her to notice me. In fact, later she told me that she didn't see me before I sat down next to her. I didn't ask her permission to talk to her or sit next to her. I didn't wait for her to give me any "indications of interests" or other cues that she'd be willing to talk to me. I just went and did it. If she had been a bitch about it, I probably would have said "ok, well nice meeting you, have a good night!" and never talked to her again. In terms of how I carried myself, I was unapologetic with my approach. It was not "let's see how I can sort of passively end up next to this girl so I can strike up a conversation". It was "outta the way, ****ers! I'm talking to this girl now!" See the distinction? One route relies on passively waiting for something to basically fall in your lap (or an inane amount of posturing and maneuvering). The other requires you to actively seek and destroy, so to speak. When you say lone wolf, what situations are you talking about? When I'm the dance class, I'm always taking to girls and occasionally a couple of guys. I don't do the lone wolf thing. When class is out, yeah that's when I do the lone wolf and head to a quiet room to study. It's a big campus I don't run into people I see in my classes that often so nobody really knows that I eat my lunches alone. If you are seen entering and leaving the venue by yourself, all the time, you'll be assumed the lone wolf. I've been there man. Entering and leaving with even just one other person that you are visibly pals with makes a world of difference. That has absolutely not be the case for me at all. My female friends have never introduced me to their friends or invited me to any get togethers. Sure they'd talk to me about their friends, but I never met them. This happened with 10 or so girls that I considered real friends. Were you waiting for them to introduce their friends to you, or did you say "hey, you should invite a friend over to play some frisbee/have a beer/go to the movies/etc. with us". Or "hey, you're always talking about your friends; I'd like to meet them so I can put a face to the story". You get the picture.
tman666 Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 Also, just as an aside, I don't think you should seek out friends for the SOLE PURPOSE of improving your dating life. That's just using people, and it's bad karma. Having good friends can add immeasurable joy and meaning to your life beyond romance. Just thought I'd throw that disclaimer out there.
Nightsky Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 Tman that sounds like a cold approach. Are you saying not only did you approach a girl who was sitting a table with a friend, but you did it with out even asking. OMG... This boys is how you do it. Good job Tman... good job.
tman666 Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 Tman that sounds like a cold approach. Are you saying not only did you approach a girl who was sitting a table with a friend, but you did it with out even asking. OMG... This boys is how you do it. Good job Tman... good job. Hahaha hey man, I never said it didn't work! It's one of those things you can't half ass though...
Nightsky Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 Hahaha hey man, I never said it didn't work! It's one of those things you can't half ass though... I guess I'm just that good looking that half assing it can get me right to the top. Than again I've seen ugly losers get with women, I mean in middles school I got in a fight with this kid and than the girl I liked ran to see if he was olright. He looked like chucky... Half ass it full ass it, just get your ass in the game. Enough excuses of "she came to class late and than she was talking to some one after class so I ran off angry and the other girl was still taking the test." NO you make it happen. 1
tman666 Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 I guess I'm just that good looking that half assing it can get me right to the top. Than again I've seen ugly losers get with women, I mean in middles school I got in a fight with this kid and than the girl I liked ran to see if he was olright. He looked like chucky... Half ass it full ass it, just get your ass in the game. Enough excuses of "she came to class late and than she was talking to some one after class so I ran off angry and the other girl was still taking the test." NO you make it happen. I was going to edit my post, but you beat me to it. I was going to revise it to say that one can't "halfway commit" to it, as in, you can't go in guns a blazin' and then chicken out halfway through.
Meeks7 Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 When you say lone wolf, what situations are you talking about? When I'm the dance class, I'm always taking to girls and occasionally a couple of guys. I don't do the lone wolf thing. When class is out, yeah that's when I do the lone wolf and head to a quiet room to study. It's a big campus I don't run into people I see in my classes that often so nobody really knows that I eat my lunches alone. You might think you can fake it, and yes you are right. However, here's the catch-22. You can only fake it on a very surface-y level. If you ever want to get a girlfriend, guess what, she's going to have to get CLOSE to you (emotionally, not physically). The closer she gets, the more she knows about you, finds out about you and makes inferences about you. You might trick a classmate into not knowing you're a loner, but you can't trick someone who begins to know you on a decent level. Somedude, I seriously am curious. You seem to KNOW the whole lone wolf thing isn't exactly healthy, but you also don't seem to be in any sort of rush to "remedy" it. You seem content on living life in your own comfort zone. And BTW, just because you may be able to trick people, doesn't mean it's not hurting you. You say "I have no friends and don't care to make any, but no one knows so I'm OK..." is almost like saying "I have AIDS but no one knows so I'm OK." Whether they know or not, you still have AIDS/are a loner, and that is a negative moreso than it is a positive. And isolation does kill. I've seen recluses and hermits die a-many painful and slow dull lives. Don't let that happen to you. 1
Els Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 Friended her and having very light banter BTW, she lists her self as single on FB, which is surprising for a couple of reasons. She's also 23. I thought she was younger. We exchanged messages for a bit, seemed to make her laugh then I ended it on a high note. Now to see if I can work with this situation. Good to hear that. Keep it light, give her lots of room to reciprocate with messages, and perhaps suggest coffee or something after a while.
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