Hate how I can't ask out a bunch of girls at once

[xxoo]

Asking out girls really isn't a big deal for me, as I said before, I don't like the negative reinforcement. With my self-confidence so low, being told by girls I'm interested, that they don't like me, doesn't exactly help. That's why it's easier to maintain the status quo. They like to talk to and interact with me as long as I don't cross the line and make things creepy.

 

Yeah, I can tell three random girls that they look hot. Though I'm not sure if that would be a good idea with women I'm interested in. If it would help, I'd do it no problem.

 

It would help because it is flirting. And flirting 1. can help create interest, and 2. helps you to understand who is and isn't interested. It is like "rejection-lite", which is perfect for you to face your fear incrementally.

[somedude81]

He should stop caring about being creepy to be honest. At some point, somebody is going to call you creepy for hitting on them. It happens to most guys, even those "good looking alphas" everybody loves so much.

 

If one is already crap at moving to women, then the pain endured by being rejected and being called creepy is a necessary one, and a pain I have endured myself (even though I'm the tall, "good looking" black dude who doesn't know what it's like ). It's something you have to calibrate to.

The pain is nothing new.

 

Every now and then I cut myself (ask somebody out) just to make sure it still hurts.

You don't ask any of them out. You move things along gradually in the field of getting to know the girls you're interested by arranging short meetups.

How are short meetups different from dates?

It would help because it is flirting. And flirting 1. can help create interest, and 2. helps you to understand who is and isn't interested. It is like "rejection-lite", which is perfect for you to face your fear incrementally.

So you think I should tell the girls I'm interested in that I think they look hot? I'd do it.

 

How can I tell who is interested after saying that? At most I'm expecting a twinkle in her eye, a smile and a thank you.

[xxoo]

So you think I should tell the girls I'm interested in that I think they look hot? I'd do it.

 

Yes! Why haven't you yet? This is flirting. Just be casual about it--light and breezy, as if you say this all the time.

 

How can I tell who is interested after saying that? At most I'm expecting a twinkle in her eye, a smile and a thank you.

 

Watch to see if her attitude changes--if she pulls back from you (one word answers) or if she gets more chatty with you. If she gets more smiley and chatty in general, up the ante (flirt more, be more direct, compliment something specific--maybe a sexy dance move?) and see if she sticks around for more.

 

You keep turning up the heat, and she responds by either meeting your interest, or pulling back. Keep dialing up the heat until she's all over you

[BubblyBeth]

The pain is nothing new.

 

Every now and then I cut myself (ask somebody out) just to make sure it still hurts.

 

It doesn't sound like women are the source of negative reinforcement so much as it is you.

 

You have a real lousy self-perception. No matter how much you try, you can't hide that from women. Women certainly aren't looking at you thinking "Wow, there goes a confident, funny guy. I wanna get to know that guy!" I know this because I've read enough of your posts to know you are hurting yourself mentally more than you know/care to admit. Also, your track record speaks for itself.

 

I get that online persona's are different from real life, but there's more to you than just "online venting." You expect to fail and you feel like no woman will ever give you a chance. You feel this way because you know deep down you haven't gotten your stuff together (yet).

 

It's a deadly and vicious cycle. I dunno how you're going to get out except through some serious real life experience where the light bulb goes on for ya. It will also involve human interaction.

 

No amount of posting on LoveShack or reading opinions or searching dating articles is suddenly gonna make you go "AH-HA!"

 

It's meant to be experienced in the flesh and carried out.

 

Until you get to that point, things won't change.

[somedude81]

Agh! I only have one more dance class! Some how I got the dates mixed up and thought I had one more week of class left. But nope, last day of salsa is Wednesday

 

I need to do something!

 

Of course I know that I don't have a chance in hell with anybody in the class, but I still feel like I need to ask somebody out.

 

I'm down to three girls and officially in panic mode.

 

I don't know if should straight up ask somebody out, or get her phone number, facebook or what.

[fortyninethousand322]

Agh! I only have one more dance class! Some how I got the dates mixed up and thought I had one more week of class left. But nope, last day of salsa is Wednesday

 

I need to do something!

 

Of course I know that I don't have a chance in hell with anybody in the class, but I still feel like I need to ask somebody out.

 

I'm down to three girls and officially in panic mode.

 

I don't know if should straight up ask somebody out, or get her phone number, facebook or what.

 

Get phone numbers and/or facebooks. Keep in contact with them and see where an opportunity arises.

[lino]

Making friends is good advice but not for the sake of meeting potential girlfriends/wives. That is a bonus if it happens.

 

You need friends because they're what are or will become the backbone of your life.

 

I say this a lot because it's f*cking true... Women will come in and out of your life. They'll find any bullsh*t reason to leave you in a micro second.

Your mates will always be there for you in the good times and bad... They won't abandon you because you aren't handsome/wealthy/funny/confident/interesting enough.

They'll always be at your side and you at theirs.

 

Before meeting the girlfriend I have now I struggled as well but I was never miserable because I always had my mates to support me and keep me happy.

 

If my girlfriend one day flicks me then I'll be sad but not miserable because I still have those around who've always been there. Some for nearly 20 years now!

 

You'll eventually meet and have a girlfriend too and I imagine you'll be quite happy when it happens but if she for whatever reason leaves you, and believe me they'll leave for any miniscule reason, then you'll be dead set miserable again because you don't have a core group of good reliable friends around you.

 

For the sake of true happiness and to really live a fulfilling life, you really need good mates. They're what make life worth living

 

 

Also, you still haven't said if you're working full time and making money.

If you're still a full time student with low pay and in your 30s, unless you're selling drugs or thieving, then there'll be no p*ssy for you.

[AD1980]

Making friends is good advice but not for the sake of meeting potential girlfriends/wives. That is a bonus if it happens.

 

You need friends because they're what are or will become the backbone of your life.

 

I say this a lot because it's f*cking true... Women will come in and out of your life. They'll find any bullsh*t reason to leave you in a micro second.

Your mates will always be there for you in the good times and bad... They won't abandon you because you aren't handsome/wealthy/funny/confident/interesting enough.

They'll always be at your side and you at theirs.

 

Before meeting the girlfriend I have now I struggled as well but I was never miserable because I always had my mates to support me and keep me happy.

 

If my girlfriend one day flicks me then I'll be sad but not miserable because I still have those around who've always been there. Some for nearly 20 years now!

 

You'll eventually meet and have a girlfriend too and I imagine you'll be quite happy when it happens but if she for whatever reason leaves you, and believe me they'll leave for any miniscule reason, then you'll be dead set miserable again because you don't have a core group of good reliable friends around you.

 

For the sake of true happiness and to really live a fulfilling life, you really need good mates. They're what make life worth living

 

 

Also, you still haven't said if you're working full time and making money.

If you're still a full time student with low pay and in your 30s, unless you're selling drugs or thieving, then there'll be no p*ssy for you.

 

I agree as bad as iam with women and as down as i get not being able to attract them if i didnt have a few friends by my side to keep me busy and feel good about myself i dont know where id be..

[lino]

I agree as bad as iam with women and as down as i get not being able to attract them if i didnt have a few friends by my side to keep me busy and feel good about myself i dont know where id be..

 

True.

 

Good friends will never abandon you 'just because'... With women, that possibility is always there.

[xxoo]

Agh! I only have one more dance class! Some how I got the dates mixed up and thought I had one more week of class left. But nope, last day of salsa is Wednesday

 

I need to do something!

 

Of course I know that I don't have a chance in hell with anybody in the class, but I still feel like I need to ask somebody out.

 

I'm down to three girls and officially in panic mode.

 

I don't know if should straight up ask somebody out, or get her phone number, facebook or what.

 

Have you built rapport with any of them?

 

If so, just ask what she is doing with her free time next Wed (no salsa class). After she answers, ask if she would like to join you.....[date idea here].

 

It really shouldn't be this scary!

[somedude81]

Have you built rapport with any of them?

 

If so, just ask what she is doing with her free time next Wed (no salsa class). After she answers, ask if she would like to join you.....[date idea here].

 

It really shouldn't be this scary!

Nowhere near as much as I would have liked. This year really turned out to be an off year for me.

 

Next week is finals. After that no more class.

 

I don't really know that much about anybody to invite them to a certain event. I'd basically need to contact somebody, find out what she likes doing and then invite her to do it.

 

Normally before I ask somebody out I like to have lunch with them on campus so I can talk to her for 20 or so minutes and find out more about her. I didn't do that this semester and there really wasn't an opportunity to talk to anybody beyond what she did for the weekend.

 

Get phone numbers and/or facebooks. Keep in contact with them and see where an opportunity arises.

Getting facebooks is easy, I just really need to look them up, unless I should tell them first, I'm not sure.

 

Phone numbers, it depends on the context.

[xxoo]

I don't really know that much about anybody to invite them to a certain event. I'd basically need to contact somebody, find out what she likes doing and then invite her to do it.

 

Normally before I ask somebody out I like to have lunch with them on campus so I can talk to her for 20 or so minutes and find out more about her. I didn't do that this semester and there really wasn't an opportunity to talk to anybody beyond what she did for the weekend.

 

You are over-thinking. You don't need to do research and design a perfect date. You are excited about going to place X, and you'd like to take her there. Simple!

 

I mean, sure, it is great to pay attention and invite her somewhere tailored to her interests....but it isn't a reason to not ask her out. Just do it! You know she likes to dance....and everybody likes to eat.....

[somedude81]

You are over-thinking. You don't need to do research and design a perfect date. You are excited about going to place X, and you'd like to take her there. Simple!

 

I mean, sure, it is great to pay attention and invite her somewhere tailored to her interests....but it isn't a reason to not ask her out. Just do it! You know she likes to dance....and everybody likes to eat.....

There aren't any events that I know of that I'm excited about. Honestly I'm more excited just by having a girl with me. I'd be happy just going to the beach and throwing a Frisbee.

 

I know you said that I don't need to research and design the perfect date, though that seems exactly what I need to do.

 

I'm very low key and mellow and don't go out that much. Though when I do find something I'd like to go to, I'd want to be able to call somebody up and take them with me. It's harder to do that when I'm not that close to anybody.

 

You mentioned food, so would it be OK to just invited somebody to the standard dinner and a movie?

[xxoo]

You mentioned food, so would it be OK to just invited somebody to the standard dinner and a movie?

 

Of course!

 

Movie not required (can't talk then anyway). Just invite her out for lunch--off campus--or coffee, or coffee and dessert.

 

If you are serious about taking girls on dates, you should at least have scoped out some decent places to take a girl! The beach for frisbee is fine for a later date, but she probably won't want anything involving swimwear for an early date.

 

About wanting someone to call up and take with you.....that's why you need a couple friends

[tman666]

SD, are you sure you don't have any friends or group that you could go do stuff with? That would make things about a billion times easier for you, at least on getting your foot in the door.

 

"Hey my friends and are are going to tour some wineries on Saturday, want to come along?"

 

"Hey, I'm having a couple people over to my place to grill burgers, play lawn golf, and have a few drinks, you should come over!"

 

etc.

 

When I think of all the people I know who are in relationships, almost all of them met through some sort of co-mingling of social groups. A small minority met online. A grand total of 0 of them met by going up to someone they found attractive and asking them to join them, one on one, for a date.

 

Also, as far as finding events to take a date to: it's not about finding events that you're enthralled about. It just has to be something that allows you two to hang out and get to know each other and has enough qualities of a "safe" environment. Free concerts, farmer's markets, a hike, etc.

[somedude81]

Of course!

 

Movie not required (can't talk then anyway). Just invite her out for lunch--off campus--or coffee, or coffee and dessert.

OK, that seems doable. Just suggest that we should get together when class is out. Then get her phone number if she's willing.

If you are serious about taking girls on dates, you should at least have scoped out some decent places to take a girl!

I really don't know what girls expect for dates also keep in mind these girls are in college.

 

The beach for frisbee is fine for a later date, but she probably won't want anything involving swimwear for an early date.

I'd demand nothing more than a thong and pasties

 

The frisbee thing was just something casual that I'd do for fun, like a picnic. Most likely I wouldn't need her to swear a swimsuit

About wanting someone to call up and take with you.....that's why you need a couple friends

Or a girlfriend

 

I really feel like I wish I could bypass the dating phase and just get a girlfriend.

SD, are you sure you don't have any friends or group that you could go do stuff with? That would make things about a billion times easier for you, at least on getting your foot in the door.

 

"Hey my friends and are are going to tour some wineries on Saturday, want to come along?"

 

"Hey, I'm having a couple people over to my place to grill burgers, play lawn golf, and have a few drinks, you should come over!"

 

etc.

 

When I think of all the people I know who are in relationships, almost all of them met through some sort of co-mingling of social groups. A small minority met online. A grand total of 0 of them met by going up to someone they found attractive and asking them to join them, one on one, for a date.

So people don't go on one-on-one dates anymore?

Also, as far as finding events to take a date to: it's not about finding events that you're enthralled about. It just has to be something that allows you two to hang out and get to know each other and has enough qualities of a "safe" environment. Free concerts, farmer's markets, a hike, etc.

Ah, that's a little easier to work with. There's a few things like that in my city and surrounding area.

[xxoo]

OK, that seems doable. Just suggest that we should get together when class is out. Then get her phone number if she's willing.

 

I really don't know what girls expect for dates also keep in mind these girls are in college.

 

By decent place, I just mean a cute coffee shop, or a great cafe. Just have some places that you know and like in mind.

 

I'd demand nothing more than a thong and pasties

 

The frisbee thing was just something casual that I'd do for fun, like a picnic. Most likely I wouldn't need her to swear a swimsuit

 

I understand.....but she might misunderstand. Avoid misunderstandings, and raising red flags, but sticking to non-beach ideas for the first date.

 

Or a girlfriend

 

I really feel like I wish I could bypass the dating phase and just get a girlfriend.

 

Lot's of people feel the same way, but get on with it. You have to do the work to reap the rewards.

 

Once again, a girlfriend is not a replacement for having friends. Most women really don't want to be in the role of "only friend you have". Why are you so resistant to making a couple friends?

[Mme. Chaucer]

I really feel like I wish I could bypass the dating phase and just get a girlfriend.

 

I get it - but really, most people are interested in getting to know somebody in order to determine whether they are compatible before becoming boyfriends / girlfriends. That's what dating is for, contrary to much of what you've been reading which implies that dating is for either sex, or for women to get free stuff. It's not, for many people.

[aed]

@somedude81

 

 

Why don't you try things as pua, go online ask the more experienced ones in your area and learn from them. It wont hurt and will probably only help you further.

[zengirl]

There aren't any events that I know of that I'm excited about. Honestly I'm more excited just by having a girl with me. I'd be happy just going to the beach and throwing a Frisbee.

 

I know you said that I don't need to research and design the perfect date, though that seems exactly what I need to do.

 

I'm very low key and mellow and don't go out that much. Though when I do find something I'd like to go to, I'd want to be able to call somebody up and take them with me. It's harder to do that when I'm not that close to anybody.

 

You mentioned food, so would it be OK to just invited somebody to the standard dinner and a movie?

 

Most first dates I've been on that were successful started off as just dinner. We often did something after, but we discussed it during dinner and then went and did it. (A few were dinner + movie at a movie house that served dinner that I used to go to.)

 

I think people often overthink first dates. I don't know any women who are looking for a guy to go nuts and super-plan a 1st date (honestly, a big turnoff to many), unless they've known the guy for a long time or something and it's a Dawson/Joey big-deal-to-be-dating-finally thing. It's later, when you've gotten to know the guy, that you want him to pull out the fancy moves. In the beginning, you just want him to seem confident, calm, and interested in getting to know you. All of which is easily done over a meal or two.

[somedude81]

Hey Zengirl, haven't seen you in a while.

Most first dates I've been on that were successful started off as just dinner. We often did something after, but we discussed it during dinner and then went and did it. (A few were dinner + movie at a movie house that served dinner that I used to go to.)

 

I think people often overthink first dates. I don't know any women who are looking for a guy to go nuts and super-plan a 1st date (honestly, a big turnoff to many), unless they've known the guy for a long time or something and it's a Dawson/Joey big-deal-to-be-dating-finally thing.

I don't wanna wait for our lives to be over!

 

Had to get that out of my system

 

Does it have to be dinner or is anything less too casual?

 

How should I even bring it up?

 

Like if I see a girl tomorrow should I say to her, "Hey Joey, lets go have dinner on the 13th at Ribs "R" Us.

 

 

It's later, when you've gotten to know the guy, that you want him to pull out the fancy moves. In the beginning, you just want him to seem confident, calm, and interested in getting to know you. All of which is easily done over a meal or two.

I'm all about having low-key dates. That's why I'm worried if I'm being too casual.

By decent place, I just mean a cute coffee shop, or a great cafe. Just have some places that you know and like in mind.

 

 

 

I understand.....but she might misunderstand. Avoid misunderstandings, and raising red flags, but sticking to non-beach ideas for the first date.

I'll keep that in mind.

 

Actually, I ended up taking a few girls to the beach and one was an actual date where we went to a restaurant that was very close to the beach, and just made our way there after we ate. Never got to see any of those girls in a bikini

 

Lot's of people feel the same way, but get on with it. You have to do the work to reap the rewards.

And it's so much work.

 

I strongly feel that I can be a great boyfriend and I want to have the chance to prove myself. But I keep getting caught in the interview, if I even manage to land one.

[somedude81]

So tomorrow is it.

 

I'll try and get at least something like a rejection from somebody.

[ScreamingTrees]

You go, Somedude.. You go and get rejected.. I'm rootin for ya, buddy..

[Nightsky]

You go, Somedude.. You go and get rejected.. I'm rootin for ya, buddy..

 

When he goes up to a girl he should open with "Hate how I can't ask out a bunch of girls at once!"

 

Than he should go to a group of girls and say "Would any one in this group like to go out on a date with me, any one except you." (pointing at the ugly one)

[somedude81]

When he goes up to a girl he should open with "Hate how I can't ask out a bunch of girls at once!"

 

Than he should go to a group of girls and say "Would any one in this group like to go out on a date with me, any one except you." (pointing at the ugly one)

What if there is more than one ugly one? Use both hands? If there's three? Use my other pointer?