Hate how I can't ask out a bunch of girls at once

[Lonely Ronin]

It's because your question was complete BS.

 

It's pretty much the exact opposite. excluding player/loner type outliers, how many female friends you have, and how many you interact with regularly shows how well you can interact and relate to women. I'm not talking cursory female friends either, I'm talking friends that you have known for years, friends that would lend you a hand when needed, friends that you talk with regularly (more than once a month), and can have a decent conversation with.

[somedude81]

It's pretty much the exact opposite. excluding player/loner type outliers, how many female friends you have, and how many you interact with regularly shows how well you can interact and relate to women. I'm not talking cursory female friends either, I'm talking friends that you have known for years, friends that would lend you a hand when needed, friends that you talk with regularly (more than once a month), and can have a decent conversation with.

What does that have do with my point of not having sex with any of my friends or their friends?

[Lonely Ronin]

What does that have do with my point of not having sex with any of my friends or their friends?

 

One most women don't sleep with their friends, If she is sleeping with you she's more than just a friend. Two, if non of your female friends have suggested you meet one of their friends, or told you some woman at a bar is checking you out, or talked with you when you are down about being single, or when a break up whet bad, then you probably aren't their friend, you're probably just a guy she knows.

[somedude81]

One most women don't sleep with their friends, If she is sleeping with you she's more than just a friend.

Thank you!

 

That's what I was trying to get at.

 

Most women don't sleep with their friends.

 

So being able to get female friends isn't the same thing as being able to get women to want to sleep with you.

 

 

Two, if non of your female friends have suggested you meet one of their friends, or told you some woman at a bar is checking you out, or talked with you when you are down about being single, or when a break up whet bad, then you probably aren't their friend, you're probably just a guy she knows.

If I hang out with a girl every week, talk on the phone or text almost every day, frequently have lunch with her on campus, her telling me all her fears, insecurities and secrets, makes me just another guy she knows; then no, I've never had a female friend.

 

And no, I've never had any of the girls I knew even talk about introducing me to one of their friends. My theory is that if she never thought about wanting to sleep with me, she probably assumes that none of her friends would want to sleep with me either.

[xxoo]

And no, I've never had any of the girls I knew even talk about introducing me to one of their friends. My theory is that if she never thought about wanting to sleep with me, she probably assumes that none of her friends would want to sleep with me either.

 

Did you ever bring it up?

[somedude81]

Did you ever bring it up?

With a couple of girls but nothing ever came of it.

[xxoo]

With a couple of girls but nothing ever came of it.

 

It is a decent measurement of real friendship....do they have your back? Will they give you good tips? Or do they cock-block you?

[Lonely Ronin]

So being able to get female friends isn't the same thing as being able to get women to want to sleep with you.

 

Yes, but being able to relate them them as a person is very important.

 

 

 

If I hang out with a girl every week, talk on the phone or text almost every day, frequently have lunch with her on campus, her telling me all her fears, insecurities and secrets, makes me just another guy she knows;

 

so you have been a friend to her, but is she being a freind back.

 

1. Have you told her any of your fears/insecurities, and if so how does she react?

 

2. how many female friends like this do you currently have? I just did a mental count, and I currently know 11 women that i would consider close friends that are there for me any time i ever need anything.

 

 

 

And no, I've never had any of the girls I knew even talk about introducing me to one of their friends. My theory is that if she never thought about wanting to sleep with me, she probably assumes that none of her friends would want to sleep with me either.

 

This goes back to question number 2, do you really talk with them, or is everything they know about you fluff?

[Meeks7]

And no, I've never had any of the girls I knew even talk about introducing me to one of their friends. My theory is that if she never thought about wanting to sleep with me, she probably assumes that none of her friends would want to sleep with me either.

 

Faulty theory. Many of my friends got their GF when their girl friend introduced them to them. Just because a girl doesn't want to sleep with you (could be because she already has a BF or just sees you as an incompatible romantic match) doesn't mean that she still can't see you as a great guy she wouldn't mind one of her girlfriends dating.

 

Going off your latest posts in this thread, it doesn't seem like you've ever truly had a close female friend. Even looking at the Danielle "friendship," there wasn't a whole lot of give and take. It was just you looking to hang out with her in hopes that she might finally see the light and see you as this great BF material... not unlike a bull stomping around in a china shop.

 

Sounds like your past female "friendships" have been very casual and most likely kept in a contained classroom context.

 

This whole "I make friends easily" thing is not as important as the quality of the friendship. Based on that, it seems like you've never actually had a quality relationship with the opposite sex before (or same sex, for that matter). It always goes back to being able to relate to others, having relationship skills, and having a solid foundation. You need to work on these things or you'll be stuck where you are now forever.

[Meeks7]

Yes, but being able to relate them them as a person is very important.

 

so you have been a friend to her, but is she being a freind back.

 

1. Have you told her any of your fears/insecurities, and if so how does she react?

 

do you really talk with them, or is everything they know about you fluff?

 

 

I'm curious to know the answer to #1 as well. SomeDude seems to conceal things, like for example he posts on LS all the time "Do you think I tell people about my issues, or tell them my age?"

 

It's subtle, but that's a very sneaky mindset he has. He knows those are less than ideal things, yet he tries to mask it instead of working on his issues. Obviously, age is not something he can change, but he can change his mental hang-ups, but refuses to work on them for whatever reasons. He rather just continue to post on LS and continue and hope that he somehow finds a GF that will "right" every wrong in his life. (Another very faulty theory BTW)

[somedude81]

It is a decent measurement of real friendship....do they have your back? Will they give you good tips? Or do they cock-block you?

I don't remember if they gave any tips, but cock-blocking didn't occure.

Yes, but being able to relate them them as a person is very important.

Yup.

so you have been a friend to her, but is she being a freind back.

Maybe, maybe not.

1. Have you told her any of your fears/insecurities, and if so how does she react?

Generally I prefer not to talk my negative things. Several of them knew I wanted a GF but nothing more depressing than that.

2. how many female friends like this do you currently have?

None.

 

I can't really handle having female friends at the moment because I tend to fall for them, and then I end up getting hurt. So I've made a conscious decision to avoid making platonic only female friends.

 

I miss the companionship but I'll gladly pass on the emotional pain that usually fallows.

This goes back to question number 2, do you really talk with them, or is everything they know about you fluff?

Mostly fluff. I prefer to talk to girls about them and only talk about my fluffy stuff.

--------------------------

 

Anyways back to class tomorrow and I've had to cross two girls off my list. I probably shouldn't bother trying to talk to them anymore and focus on other girls.

 

School is over in about a month from now and really should ask out at least one girl this semester. I'm probably going to get rejected, so I'm looking forward to that

[somedude81]

I'll address more later but I wanted to jump on this point first.

Sounds like your past female "friendships" have been very casual and most likely kept in a contained classroom context.

If I never got her contact info and saw her outside of class, I didn't consider her a friend.

 

There are three tiers for me.

 

1. Class buddies: Only interact with them in class.

2. Campus buddies: Girls I hang around with on campus outside of class

3. Friends: Girls I hang out with and go places together outside of the school.

[xxoo]

None.

 

I can't really handle having female friends at the moment because I tend to fall for them, and then I end up getting hurt. So I've made a conscious decision to avoid making platonic only female friends.

 

I miss the companionship but I'll gladly pass on the emotional pain that usually fallows.

 

What a great reason to develop a friendship with a girl you are not attracted to!

[somedude81]

What a great reason to develop a friendship with a girl you are not attracted to!

You're not the first woman to suggest that to me

 

Maybe I'm just too lazy to put in the effort. Or don't have any motivation.

 

Frankly, I'd rather have a guy friend then a female friend that I'm not attracted to, and I'm hardly going out of my way to make guy friends.

[xxoo]

You're not the first woman to suggest that to me

 

Maybe I'm just too lazy to put in the effort. Or don't have any motivation.

 

Frankly, I'd rather have a guy friend then a female friend that I'm not attracted to, and I'm hardly going out of my way to make guy friends.

 

So difficult for me to understand.

 

There is nothing "odd" enough about your appearance or school/work situation to justify you being your age and never having a gf. But your social situation is very "odd"--certainly odd enough to explain how you could get to your age and never connect with a girl in that way. So why not put some effort in that area, and forge a more normal social circle? That is still how most people meet their partners.

[Lonely Ronin]

Generally I prefer not to talk my negative things. Several of them knew I wanted a GF but nothing more depressing than that.

 

This is big problem in general, both in platonic and romantic relationships. If no one (man or woman) ever really knows you, they can't really bond with you on any kind of emotional level. You will just be that guy from class who's name they can't remember.

 

ever heard the line, "love me or hate me but you'll never forget me" ?

 

None.

 

I can't really handle having female friends at the moment because I tend to fall for them, and then I end up getting hurt. So I've made a conscious decision to avoid making platonic only female friends.

 

I miss the companionship but I'll gladly pass on the emotional pain that usually fallows.

 

Ok, this is something you need to work on. You should be able to see this coming on, and be able to prevent yourself from becoming to emotionally invested in someone who isn't interested in a romantic relationship with you.

 

I also wager the reason you always fall for them, is you're starved for female interaction. You've not had any deep meaningful connections with women, so when you start to feel one your mind goes into overdrive.

 

Mostly fluff. I prefer to talk to girls about them and only talk about my fluffy stuff.

 

Surely from your time on LS, you have learned that most women need to connect with a guy to form an emotional bond to form. If a woman knows nothing about you, she has no way of knowing if you would be a good match for her friend, and thus if an emotional bond might form.

 

I've dated 2 women in the last two years that I meet on my own, I meet every other woman, through a female friend, or a friends wife. By not having any significant relationships with women, you are severely limiting your chances of meeting a women who you might have a lot in common with.

[xxoo]

T By not having any significant relationships with women, you are severely limiting your chances of meeting a women who you might have a lot in common with.

 

The research bears this out:

 

Parks, a University of Washington communication researcher and author of Personal Relationships & Personal Networks, has determined that 75 percent of the people who dated extensively the year before said they had help from a friend. In their corner is what Parks calls "the social proximity effect," which holds that the probability of two people meeting is directly proportional to the number of contacts they share. In other words, more friends means more female referrals.

[somedude81]

This is a post taken from another thread.

SD, it doesn't seem this dance class is doing much for you in the way of socializing and meeting your dating goals, so once you get the dance proficiency you seek, consider moving on to some other activity that might spend the time in more productive socializing. You have probably developed all the tools you need to get what you want in more "target rich" environments . Unlike others, I don't see any particular double standards, bad attitude or unrealistic expectations in your posts, just a need to try some different methods.

No this class really hasn't been able to meet my dating goals.

 

It's not that the girls aren't there and I haven't found anybody I'd like to get to know better, I just haven't been able to connect with anybody.

 

It's fun being with the girls in class but when it ends I'm angry and frustrated, waiting till the next class, and this class only meets twice a week. What really sucks is that there are only five more class meetings left.

 

I'm starting to panic because I'm very worried I'm not going to go out with anybody this year. Of course I haven't even asked anybody out yet.

 

I wonder if I should try to start talking to some new girls and see if I could build anything with the short time I have left. I still haven't figured out what to do with the Asian girl. She's definitely my favorite girl in the class, but I'm afraid to show any interest in her.

 

In the end, it all comes down to fear.

[xxoo]

In the end, it all comes down to fear.

 

Fear is something much more direct to address.

 

What have you tried in terms of overcoming this fear?

[somedude81]

Fear is something much more direct to address.

 

What have you tried in terms of overcoming this fear?

What I've been trying to do is be more friendly and sociable with girls, hoping that I can see a green light from them, where I know that I have a decent shot of getting a yes, but that's obviously not been working.

 

Aside from that, the only thing I can think of is just asking girls out, but getting rejections from girls really doesn't help me much. Each rejection is just more negative reinforcement. I don't feel good that I accomplished the goal of asking somebody out, instead I feel bad that yet another girl has shown how undesirable I am.

[xxoo]

What I've been trying to do is be more friendly and sociable with girls, hoping that I can see a green light from them, where I know that I have a decent shot of getting a yes, but that's obviously not been working.

 

Aside from that, the only thing I can think of is just asking girls out, but getting rejections from girls really doesn't help me much. Each rejection is just more negative reinforcement. I don't feel good that I accomplished the goal of asking somebody out, instead I feel bad that yet another girl has shown how undesirable I am.

 

What I meant was the fear part. Fear and anxiety are highly treatable, and nearly everyone here has experience facing fears.

 

Asking girls out doesn't help if you don't do it often enough. Doing it only occasionally reinforces that it is a Big Deal, and doesn't give you a chance to desensitize. But maybe you should start with baby steps, like very obvious flirting, and desensitize to that first. Can you just go in and tell 3 different girls that they look hot?

[AD1980]

. Can you just go in and tell 3 different girls that they look hot?

 

Some women will find that creepy especially if theyre not attracted to him

[ThaWholigan]

Some women will find that creepy especially if theyre not attracted to him

He should stop caring about being creepy to be honest. At some point, somebody is going to call you creepy for hitting on them. It happens to most guys, even those "good looking alphas" everybody loves so much.

 

If one is already crap at moving to women, then the pain endured by being rejected and being called creepy is a necessary one, and a pain I have endured myself (even though I'm the tall, "good looking" black dude who doesn't know what it's like ). It's something you have to calibrate to.

[somedude81]

What I meant was the fear part. Fear and anxiety are highly treatable, and nearly everyone here has experience facing fears.

 

Asking girls out doesn't help if you don't do it often enough. Doing it only occasionally reinforces that it is a Big Deal, and doesn't give you a chance to desensitize. But maybe you should start with baby steps, like very obvious flirting, and desensitize to that first. Can you just go in and tell 3 different girls that they look hot?

Asking out girls really isn't a big deal for me, as I said before, I don't like the negative reinforcement. With my self-confidence so low, being told by girls I'm interested, that they don't like me, doesn't exactly help. That's why it's easier to maintain the status quo. They like to talk to and interact with me as long as I don't cross the line and make things creepy.

 

Yeah, I can tell three random girls that they look hot. Though I'm not sure if that would be a good idea with women I'm interested in. If it would help, I'd do it no problem.

[Shaun-Dro]

Right now there are five girls I want to ask out in my salsa class. It would be so convenient if I could get them together and ask "You're all beautiful. Would any of you like to go to the show with me this weekend."

 

The alternative basically requires me to pick a favorite, ask her out, then if she rejects me, move on to the next one and start at ground zero and hope she didn't find out that I asked somebody out before her, because it would make her feel less special or something

 

And thinking a girl that one isn't dating, as special, is a horrible mistake. Simply because there is no guarantee that she will return the feeling. I'm not doing that again.

 

Frankly, if they're all going to reject me, I'd rather get it over with as quickly as possible.

 

You don't ask any of them out. You move things along gradually in the field of getting to know the girls you're interested by arranging short meetups. I think you know this already but you're going to run troll threads anyway.