Mr Spock Posted August 2, 2004 Posted August 2, 2004 I enjoy getting slammered as much as the next person. But I can always remember what I've done, unless I've lost conciousness. Which never happens. Going out and getting pissed twice a month isn't so much a sign of alcoholism as it is immaturity. Alcohol tends to bring out people's true natures-if he's flirting with other women when he's sauced it's because he wants to do it sober. Maybe he needs help. Maybe he doesn't. I think if you start throwing the book at him on this he's going to dump you and find someone who will let him be. You've only been dating 7 months, that's not a great span of time. If it bothers you, why not just choose not to be around him when he drinks like that? My ex was a bona fide alcoholic-it got to the point where I had to hide the car keys-Faybelle has good points about nipping it in the bud but I would be careful how the subject of AA is brought up. Two drunks that happen to be dating isn't a pleasant combo in ANY bar....
Author mugirl213 Posted August 2, 2004 Author Posted August 2, 2004 Well to me it's silly that I shouldn't say something about something that bothers me. If he acts retarded when I'm with him...how will he act when I'm not around. I don't want to go to him and tell him I think he's an alcoholic...but he is concerned about stuff. Like it was freakish how he had literally NO idea what happened, or why he was sleeping alone. And he hasn't gotten that drunk twice a month...it's been 2 times in the seven months we've dated. I also asked him if that was true...that what he said/did drunk was his true feelings. He said that's not true. He apparently used to tell his ex and his friends that he hated her...and his friends that he wanted to die/kill himself. So he said that he must be getting happier after I told him what he said to me on Saturday night. see this is why it's such a delicate situation. I don't want to come off as a lecturing mother...but I also don't want to let this behavior slide and to make him think that it's ok!
Fayebelle Posted August 2, 2004 Posted August 2, 2004 Again- don't enable. And check your PMs cuz I responded
Mr Spock Posted August 2, 2004 Posted August 2, 2004 I understand that, I'm just offering a different viewpoint. Telling him you don't like his behaviour when he's sober is one thing-getting him to act on it while drunk is another. Good luck!!
Author mugirl213 Posted August 2, 2004 Author Posted August 2, 2004 Well as I said Mr. Spock..he came to me on Sunday and apologized for his behavior immediately after he woke up alone in his bed...not mine where he'd normally be. He was just totally bewildered as to what happened. I trust my loving sober boyfriend. i don't trust my a**h*** drunken boyfriend. I WAS worried that he'd cheat on me while away with friends on some up coming trips (still am) but now my main concern is that he's going to cheat and become an alcoholic. How would you suggest I talk/approach him...from the male perspective?
Fayebelle Posted August 2, 2004 Posted August 2, 2004 Originally posted by mugirl213 How would you suggest I talk/approach him...from the male perspective? Mr Spock is a she- I made the same mistake
Moose Posted August 2, 2004 Posted August 2, 2004 Coming from a male perspective: He's not denying that he may have a problem, so technically, he's not an alcoholic. And just some info, either you are or your not an alcoholic, you don't become one. It's most likely a beinge. A phase if you will. So I would approach him with care, and understanding. It is right to be worried if he'll cheat or not, since he has black outs on what happens the night before. Let him know that no matter what happens that you will be there for him and you are willing to help him watch that he doesn't drink so much that he'll do something stupid. You need to stay with him as much as you can when he's out drinking even if you have to stay sober to haul his butt around. I don't think he'll get upset with you if you approach him about this. It sounds to me he understands that this is becoming a problem. Just be full of understanding and Love.
Mr Spock Posted August 2, 2004 Posted August 2, 2004 I can tell you that no matter HOW hammered I've been I know the difference between right and wrong. Publicly urinating on the street is wrong. But I had to go. So I did. Alcohol isn't an excuse, and don't allow him to use it as one. Unless he's completely blacked out, I wouldn't believe him when he says he "doesn't remember". I'm sorry you're attached to a guy you can't trust while partying-I had one like that once and it seriously turned me into a shrew. He doesn't seem very mature. He's blaming booze when really it's his BEHAVIOUR that needs to be called to task. His "Don't blame me for flirting I was hammered and I'm a problem drinker" could very well be a cop out. I know many many people that get pleasantly sloshed and don't cheat on their SO's.
Author mugirl213 Posted August 2, 2004 Author Posted August 2, 2004 Oh no...he didn't cheat on me!I'm just afraid of the whatif's. Ya know? As far as not remembering...that has happened to me once or twice in my lifetime. I don't believe that he'd lie to me sober or drunk...but alcohol does make things easier for you to do. I also think guy friends antagonize the situation.
shamen Posted August 2, 2004 Posted August 2, 2004 Originally posted by Moose Coming from a male perspective: He's not denying that he may have a problem, so technically, he's not an alcoholic. And just some info, either you are or your not an alcoholic, you don't become one. It's most likely a beinge. A phase if you will. So I would approach him with care, and understanding. It is right to be worried if he'll cheat or not, since he has black outs on what happens the night before. Let him know that no matter what happens that you will be there for him and you are willing to help him watch that he doesn't drink so much that he'll do something stupid. You need to stay with him as much as you can when he's out drinking even if you have to stay sober to haul his butt around. I don't think he'll get upset with you if you approach him about this. It sounds to me he understands that this is becoming a problem. Just be full of understanding and Love. A phase? I don't think so. He got a DUI two year ago. Blacking out is a sign of a problem, and he probably doesn't remember anything. Most people do not make up blacking out, as this has some stigma attached to it. This is not a new thing in this man's life. In regards to being there for him and watching that he doesn't drink so much doesn't work very well. My ex and I tried this and it almost invariably led to arguments. He just found other places to do his drinking after a while. And staying with him when he's out drinking, "even if you have to stay sober to haul his butt around," is folly. We should not be someone else's keeper in this way. Why should his problem be her responsibility? He has already admitted to her that he has a problem. It's not HER job to control this, it's his. It's easy to fall into the trap of being the enabler. I was one for a long time. These suggestions listed above enable the drinker. They are just ways to let a man who acknowledges that he has issues with alcohol keep drinking. Please keep in mind girl that you can only help someone with their problems, not cure them yourself. Yes, "be full of understanding and love," do some research, help him start somewhere to find out the true nature of his drinking.
Moose Posted August 2, 2004 Posted August 2, 2004 Shamen, You have some great points there. I appreciate it. Yes, I too think he has problems. But, as they say in AA, you can't deal with them alone. It's a well known fact that the 12 steps include adimitting that he's powerless when it comes to overcoming this. That's why I think she should be willing to help him out. It sounds like she feels he's worth it.
shamen Posted August 2, 2004 Posted August 2, 2004 Moose: But there's still a difference between helping him watch the number of drinks that he's had and helping him not drink; between driving his drunk butt around and driving together as sober people. Yes, helping someone is a wonderful thing, if they are willing to meet you halfway. I'm just pointing out that not all people want to be helped. I tried and tried and tried to get my ex back in rehab, to no avail. He kept thinking that he could control his drinking, that he didn't need to quit again. Mugirl: Keep your chin up. Help where you can and do what you can, but also know that if it doesn't work, you can only do so much. It took me 3 and a half years to figure out that he didn't really want help. Too long.
Mr Spock Posted August 2, 2004 Posted August 2, 2004 Still. Don't allow him to place the blame on alcohol for innapropriate actions. If you shoot someone when you're pissed it's still murder. Ya know? ( Bad analogy I know)
DesertDweller Posted September 4, 2005 Posted September 4, 2005 I'm usually the understanding, forgiving sort. But this time I'm going to be the "jerk" and say dump him. I, too, have a drinking problem. I've abstained for twelve years. But I used to drink myself into oblivion every night for about ten years. I would drink until I felt sick; stick my finger down my throat forcing myself to vomit, then continue drinking until the bars closed. If I was "lucky", I'd get to the liquor store before they stopped selling alcohol, then continue drinking until I finally passed out. I hardly ever remembered anything that happened the night before, either. And I had a couple of DWIs. I'm lucky to be alive! So I quit drinking and eventually married an alcoholic. Smart. We're separated now because he chose alcohol over everything else. If our daughter was sick, he couldn't take care of her or drive her to the doctor's because he was drunk. If my car broke down he couldn't rescue me because he was too drunk to drive. Oh, by the way, he can't keep a job either because his hangovers keep him in bed until noon. You may tell yourself that your bf isn't this bad. But he's obvioulsy bad enough for you to post here. There's a good book on tape called Marriage on the Rocks. Listen to it, and it will put it all into perspective.
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