Kelti3 Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 (edited) I had a LDR with a guy (let's call him Nick) for nearly two years. We became extremely close, visited each other on occasion, he even proposed a couple of times... (this is super short version) It's a very long story why I realized we are not right for each other, involving different family backgrounds, different views of religion (he's staunch athiest, I am dedicated Christian) and a lot of differences that would create insurmountable hurdles and make marriage extremely difficult...raising kids, etc...although I still love him dearly! Even though it may be mostly my emotions right now, because I am deeply hurt and confused by the following: In the last month, we began having conversations about how we both knew this was not meant to be... in the end, he told me he just wants me to be happy. So, a week ago, I let him know that I had met someone else and we had been on a few dates. (Note: Nick had told me earlier that he couldn't move on unless I had a boyfriend...so, in a way, I decided to tell Nick that I had met someone, even though it was nowhere near becoming a full fledged relationship between me and this other guy, because I felt it would help Nick grow away from me as well). The kicker.... never did I imagine Nick would get into another relationship within 7 days, to somebody else. And not just to start "dating" someone else, but to make it "official" (as I can see from facebook). Part of me just aches, because even though I am the one who originally said we couldn't be together, part of me still loves him very much -- and, in the days leading up to this "new" relationship he just got into, he had been texting me "I think of you all the time.... I really miss you...."etc. Two days after all that, he sent a new text, "I have to tell you something... actually I have kinda dreaded telling you. I am dating someone now..." The news hit me in the pit of my stomach. Not because I don't want him to be happy. But because I felt so quickly replaced... Well, I decided I couldn't take watching his new relationship "unfold" over facebook, so I unfriended him, and sent him a very heartfelt email to let him know I did it, to assure him I am not mad, but that I still care for him too much to watch this other romance blossom. He didn't reply. Then he texted me 24 hours later: ---------------- Him: You blocked me on facebook? Me: I didn't block you. And I didn't mean it to look like I was cutting you off... it was just making me sad, being tempted to look at your page. I think it's best for us to get some distance... Him: Ok... I just thought it was a little drastic...I thought we were doing better Me: Better? Him: I thought we were handling this better. I thought you were spending more time with Jim. Me: (long pause) I was. not anymore Him: How have you been? Me: I'll be fine... Him: :-( Me: Sorry if you thought I was mad when I unfriended you... I'm truly glad you found somebody...just prefer not having to watch it unfold right now Him: :-/ I'm sorry Him: It was kinda unexpected.... -------- Is this what they mean by a rebound relationship??? The fact he says "It was kinda unexpected".... huh, what? Does it mean he unexpectedly fell in love fast, or what? And, 'I thought we were doing better... I thought you were spending more time with Jim.." It makes me wonder if he was waiting all this time for me to just hurry up and get into another relationship so he'd be free, too!? And, unfriending him on facebook was "drastic" to him? Does that mean he would have been ok seeing ME get into a new relationship with someone else?? Posting pictures, going out, etc? The truth is, my real hurt is over how FAST he found my replacement... not the fact that he did find somebody, who (I saw her photos, and she looks SO MUCH LIKE ME) but at how very quickly he took the ball and RAN with it when I said I went on a few dates with somebody else! I mean, new gf in under two weeks?? They just met, from what I can tell! So confused... and hurt.... I know we are not meant for each other, but the pride in me is still aching that he moved on so quickly. Or did he? Any thoughts? Edited October 31, 2012 by Kelti3
hurt_burst Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 well in long distance relationship you never get to know the real person. You have an imagination of them living with you. At the end of the day person comes home and talks to you like a sweet guy but you are not with him to see what he does. My point is you cant ever be sure that he met this girl after you talked about JIM. He might have somebody already ..he just made it official when you said you have someone. maybe he didnt want to hurt you too much thats why he said he would get over only if you found someone.. so that he doesnt feel guilty. Well if its a pride thing.. then its going to hurt a lot... a lot... but then as i read somewhere.... only way to calm your ego is.. you win some ...you loose some... celebrate your victories and learn from defeats... also there is a saying..when you feel you are losing out in a relationship... "Cut your losses and Move out "... More you invest.. more your pride will take a hit and more you will feel sad... Just call it over and try to forget it.. otherwise it will keep on haunting you
Author Kelti3 Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 (edited) My point is you cant ever be sure that he met this girl after you talked about JIM. He might have somebody already ..he just made it official when you said you have someone. maybe he didnt want to hurt you too much thats why he said he would get over only if you found someone.. so that he doesnt feel guilty. Thank you for the reply! I did consider that. But Nick is a very straightforward country boy (at heart), not even a guy with a lot of words... not a "charmer" with many words, like some. I guess it is possible that they met earlier... except exactly 13 days ago he was sending me texts about how he misses me terribly, will be dreaming about me like usual, and was dying to hear my voice on the phone. And other very sweet things, like he has for two years. He and the new girl became facebook friends for the first time about a week ago. I noticed when it happened but didn't think much of it. Edited October 31, 2012 by Kelti3
hurt_burst Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 so whats your ultimate goal ? salvage your pride or get him back ? if its just getting your pride back then cut your losses and get out by forgetting it... if you want to get him back... then let him feel that a week's relation with this new girl is not a substitute for you and let him miss you.. he would realise your value only in your absence..not if you are in contact with him. so staying away solves both of your purposes.. i am all ears.. revert back
mishy Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 So are you wanting him now because you can't have him?
oracle Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 Rule 2 - Posession and desire, are mutually exclusive. The drug addiction of wanting what is waving goodbye to be with someone else So are you wanting him now because you can't have him?
hurt_burst Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 Oracle - Do you think it reverse is also true.. The guy/girl who dumps the other person would also have a drug effect and would want to be with dumped person ( who is trying to move on... or is in a new relationship)?
oracle Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 Yes rule 2 is a two way street. If they think you are doing fine and moving-on , people want to be with you etc. their mind will start playing mental gymnastics. But rule 1 - Nothing is as it seems - will always skew the reality projected and preceived. Some Dumpees will usually try and save face though and not let it be known. Lots of dumpees come running back to what they dumped when what they hookup with doesn't feel as great as they anticipated. There is a natural attachment to the comfortzone of the previous relationship. However they come back... and realize, or get bored and realize why they were wanting to cross the fence. Really depends on the personality of the person. Weaker people tend to come running back and do the back and forth BS Bottom line is: when the game gets to that point.. There is no saving it for the long term. Oracle - Do you think it reverse is also true.. The guy/girl who dumps the other person would also have a drug effect and would want to be with dumped person ( who is trying to move on... or is in a new relationship)?
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