ses Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 Hi everyone! I'm new to this forum and have been reading various threads for advice on LDR. I figured that someone could help me understand my own options. I'm a woman, 24, and the guy that I've been seeing for the past month is 28. I'm a college student living in the United States, and he works and lives with his family in Colombia. We met online and hit it off immediately. After we both admitted our feelings for each other (I pursued him initially), we decided to try a LDR because we both wanted to be together. Since then, we have been talking on Skype for at least 5-8 hours a day/night. We have shared with each other a lot of personal details and we trust each other. We both have acknowledged that our feelings grow day by day. We have even sent each other personal photos of our families and friends. Although we both care for each other, he has told me on more than one occasion that he has had doubts due to the distance. We both see and desire a future (we have discussed future sexual experiences as well as plans) but we don't know when we will see other IRL. In the past he has told me a tentative date of August 2013 (he would visit). We're exclusive and are committed to each other but his doubts hurt. Sometimes the language barrier can be an issue also in our communication (we communicate almost exclusively in Spanish, but it's not my first language). Obviously there are people who are going to be available in our own countries but we want to be together. I understand and respect that there are a lot of uncertainties but he makes me so happy. We both want to make it work. Any advice? Thank you.
HeavenOrHell Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 (edited) My advice is don't make plans about the future until you've actually met, until you meet it is still fantasy. It's very early days for you to be talking about the future with someone you've spent no time with. No-one knows for sure if the chemistry is there until they spend time together. He is realistic to have doubts about the distance, especially if you're only able to meet now and again, it's no reflection on you, LDR's are very hard, but not *as* hard if you have end in sight, but still hard. Waiting until next August is far too long to wait to meet for the first time, why so long a wait? If it's because you can't afford it, then please think very carefully before getting into an LDR where you rarely see each other, it can be depressing and lonely rarely being with your partner, it splits couples up, except for the ones who are able to move to be together in the near future. Bear in mind that you probably won't able to keep up the 5-8 hours a day on skype, things do even out after a while and real life goes on! Sorry if I sound negative, having been in an LDR for 2 1/2 years it's taken its toll, just wouldn't want anyone to go into it lightly. Wishing you all the best Hi everyone! I'm new to this forum and have been reading various threads for advice on LDR. I figured that someone could help me understand my own options. I'm a woman, 24, and the guy that I've been seeing for the past month is 28. I'm a college student living in the United States, and he works and lives with his family in Colombia. We met online and hit it off immediately. After we both admitted our feelings for each other (I pursued him initially), we decided to try a LDR because we both wanted to be together. Since then, we have been talking on Skype for at least 5-8 hours a day/night. We have shared with each other a lot of personal details and we trust each other. We both have acknowledged that our feelings grow day by day. We have even sent each other personal photos of our families and friends. Although we both care for each other, he has told me on more than one occasion that he has had doubts due to the distance. We both see and desire a future (we have discussed future sexual experiences as well as plans) but we don't know when we will see other IRL. In the past he has told me a tentative date of August 2013 (he would visit). We're exclusive and are committed to each other but his doubts hurt. Sometimes the language barrier can be an issue also in our communication (we communicate almost exclusively in Spanish, but it's not my first language). Obviously there are people who are going to be available in our own countries but we want to be together. I understand and respect that there are a lot of uncertainties but he makes me so happy. We both want to make it work. Any advice? Thank you. Edited October 31, 2012 by HeavenOrHell 2
River Rain Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 Ldr's are very difficult. I was in one during the summer, we broke it off, now we're back but it's only nearly been a week. I'm starting to feel the old doubts again that this will not work out. We also used to talk 4-8 hours each night on the phone, but that cooled off and never really came back, which I miss. We're supposed to meet for the first time in January, and although he is making an effort this time around to be considerate...I'm definitely having my doubts because of the distance. It's not because I don't care about him, I am committed to just him, and like you and your bf, the two of us have shared many personal moments and talked about the future etc... I just can't help having the doubts, at least until we meet. I don't think your bf is doing that to hurt you, but it is a long time away before the two of you are going to meet. I suggest trying your best to get together before next summer, maybe that'll squash all the doubts he has.
Author ses Posted November 1, 2012 Author Posted November 1, 2012 Thank you both for your comments! I really needed a realistic perspective because I know how difficult it is to look at things objectively when your emotions are already invested. My boyfriend and I are both taking things day by day (I'm trying my best to do it), even though as I mentioned, my feelings deepen each day. I know the "future" uncertainties do give me pause but I'm trying to be optimistic. Honestly, the reality of a LDR is not something I would casually recommend to anyone now; it's definitely different from what I had anticipated. I really don't want to get caught up in the moment if we decide to end things since we are so new. We had an argument this afternoon over the distance issue, and we really need some space to cool off..or at least he does. We were both frustrated. I really hated fighting because Skype doesn't provide a feeling of resolution like in-person contact. Yes, I really hope we can meet early next year (I believe we are leaning towards a sooner, rather than later, visit now due to the distance). We have acknowledged that we need to know each other IRL to ensure we're a compatible fit, and of course we really miss each other. I want to be with him without a doubt. He's worth it.
justwhoiam Posted November 3, 2012 Posted November 3, 2012 my feelings deepen each day How deep? Are you ready to take this relationship to the next level when and if the time comes? Would you move to Colombia? Because that looks more feasible to do, as he doesn't speak English, while you speak Spanish. Would you cope with living in Colombia? With different living standards? And a different culture? I hope you start having doubts too after these questions.
Author ses Posted November 3, 2012 Author Posted November 3, 2012 How deep? Are you ready to take this relationship to the next level when and if the time comes? Would you move to Colombia? Because that looks more feasible to do, as he doesn't speak English, while you speak Spanish. Would you cope with living in Colombia? With different living standards? And a different culture? I hope you start having doubts too after these questions. Yes, absolutely. On more than one occasion we have discussed the importance of meeting each other in person. It's imperative that our online attraction translates IRL. Our relationship can't survive if it's strictly conducted online. We both need emotional and physical compatibility to have a tenable future. When I decided to pursue a relationship with him I had to acknowledge the possibility of moving to be with him. Colombia always has had to be an option for me. My boyfriend does speak and understand English, but U.S. immigration law provide the greatest barrier to entry for us in the short-term (it's way too early to contemplate marriage, and obtaining a work visa may not be easy). I'm mixed-race (Asian and white North American) and lived in South Korea for several years when I was younger. From my discussions with others, I have seen many similarities between the Latin and Korean cultures. With that said, I believe Korean cultural and societal norms are far more hierarchical and rigidly structured due to the historical influence of Confucianism. Family and gender norms both define and delineate the respective roles of the sexes in both societies. I think it would definitely be a cultural shock to anyone unaccustomed to the values of a more traditional society but it's something that has been ingrained within me. The different living standards would be an adjustment since there are so many luxuries available here in the United States, but I used to stay with my grandmother in her village as a child where there was no bathroom (we had to use a kettle), mosquito netting had to be used, clothes were washed in a stream, and a fire had to be stoked in her clay kitchen. Sometimes I really miss it because life was so simple. 1
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