kt1012 Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 First of all I should give some background information. I have a daughter who is now 5 years old. I have a good career and am very stable financially. I have been with my boyfriend now for 2.5 years. We do work together (don't recomend it). Out of the past 2 years we have probably only spent 30-45 nights apart. We more or less live together without really living together. He dated his last ex for 4.5 years and they lived together before he broke it off with her. The ex before that, 3.5 years and lived together before he broke it off with her. He is 34!! I told him when we first started dating that I am not interested in flings or just dating someone. I am at the stage in my life where I want to find the right person for me and my daughter. I also informed him that I will not live with anyone until we are planning a wedding. Plus I don't want her to get attached to someone who is just here for a short period. Anyways.... After about a year and a half I started slowling mentioning the possibilty of marriage. Initially he would completely dodge the conversation, which irritated me. Now that we are at 2.5 years, when I mention it, he will entertain the conversation for a few minutes but then wants to drop the subject. He does talk about us in future tense and talks about buying a new house. We both own houses but he talks about getting one that is "ours". My family likes him as a person but they do not like us together. They feel like he will never commit to me and my daughter. He does not like to stay at his house "because my daughter might mess something up". It is my turn to have my family over for Thanksgiving and his house is quite a bit larger than mine. I asked if we could do it there and he said no. Needless to say that irritated my family. My daughter loves him and always asks him if he will be her stepdad. I have found that in the past 6 months or so I am constantly worrying about this. I have found myself thinking about breaking up a lot and noticed that I look at other men differently than I did before (almost with interest). Am I wasting my time on a man that really doesn't want to ever get married? I don't want to allowe my daughter to get any closer to him if he isn't going to be permanent. I also don't want to end up like his ex and waste 4.5 years of my life on someone who will leave me. In the next few months I have to sale my house because it is not in the school district I want my daughter in. He lives in the district I want her in and he is aware that I am preparing put my house on the market. Should I move on? Am I wasting my time? 2.5 years is enough time to have made the move if he was going to, right?
dasein Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 I think he is telling you clearly that marriage isn't an option now, and that may stem from his unreadiness to be a dad, or from the fact that the setup you have now gives him all the benefits of marriage without the obligations. This kind of issue will come up more and more, as men are becoming very wary of marriage as an institution due to their own and friends' experience in the current cultural climate. You will need to decide how important being married is to you, and if it's a dealkiller, only you can decide, and it will involve whether you are getting everything else you want from the relationship other than marriage itself.
Author kt1012 Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 Marriage is important to me. I want at least one more child and I will not have it without being married. I guess I am annoyed because he is aware that I am getting very close to a breaking point and it doesn't seem to phase him. He says he loves us and wants to be with us forever but words are easy to say....
dasein Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 In that case, he has to feel like you are serious and are likely to move on. Once the threat of losing you is a reality, he may accommodate your wishes, or he may not, then you will need to make a decision. Once more, if you are getting everything else other than a marriage license, you may have trouble finding that again, even in a man who would be willing to marry, so take that into consideration. If there are other problems in the relationship, it will be an easier decision, but you don't describe any problems other than the lack of marriage.
Drseussgrrl Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 This is a tough sitch because men don't respond well to ultimatums, yet you can't hang on forever waiting for him to propose. I would just ask him if he sees marriage in his future and have him give you an honest answer. Also, I would stop practically living with him. Start doing your own thing more and let him feel you pulling back a bit and concentrating on yourself. He needs to know that life will go on with or without him and that his wishy-washiness doesn't define your happiness. Also - big red flag about his not wanting your daughter over at his house. What is that, does he live in a museum? Your family is right to be pissed about it. 1
River Rain Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 It's refreshing to know that your daughter comes first, as it should be. So many people ignore their kid's feelings when it comes to relationships. Of course you want stability, not just for you but for her. I think the biggest red flag I also saw was that he didn't want your daughter over to mess up his house. Not a good sign for someone you want in yours and your daughter's lives. Big decision time I guess. 1
2sunny Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 So you already crossed many of your boundaries to keep him around. I think being without him will be better use of your time/energy.
Author kt1012 Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 His house is very nice but not a museum. She has been over there a few times (probably 10 times in 2.5 years) but never for very long (hour at most). Staying at my house really doesn't make any sense because I live in a small 1,100 sq ft house and he lives in a very nice 2,000 sq foot house. I have asked if he sees marriage in our future and he says yes. Last time I brought it up was like 4 months ago and he said I plans on marrying me eventually just not now. What hurts me is that he knows my situation with my daughter. I have made it clear that if I get to the point that I purchase a new house, he and I are done. I also told him about 18 months into it that I would not be waiting around for more than 2 years. But obviously here I am. And I have no intentions of giving him an ultimatum. I will either stay and wait it out or... Just walk away!! None of the I'm leaving if you don't.... @dasein My biggest problem with the relationship is that he is weird about my daughter being in his house. He loves her and I can see that. But whoever I am with needs to see her as their own and treat her like she is. He is also pretty selfish. In our relationship things tend to always go his way. And I feel like with the marriage issue, I am just catoring to his feelings on it and he ignores mine.
dasein Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 Well I agree with drseuss about the issues with your girl being a red flag. She's five, not two, so unless he has an idea that you let her run wild and she is unruly, he is being selfish, especially 2+ years in. That you feel everything goes his way is also an issue. Right now it's hard to test that because he gets everything he wants from the relationship with few obligations. Would probably give it six more months or so, and if he isn't moving towards what you want by then, you will have to make a final decision. One other thought is is he really onboard with having a child? You mentioned that's something you want, are you sure you are on the same page on this?
Author kt1012 Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 When we first started dating I was unsure if I was going to want another. I was kind of like, if my partner wants one I am game and if he doesn't I am ok with that. His sister had a child 10 months ago and since then he has said he wants kids of his own. My daughter being 5, I do not want to wait another 4-5 years to have another. I guess once he said he wanted one and I started thinking about it (and my daughter now being older) I feel like I do want another. He also knows that if he didn't want to have another, it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. Marriage is a deal breaker because I will not live with someone I am not getting married to. I will not date someone and allow them to be in my child's life without them committing to us.
Author kt1012 Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 I have tried not to make him feel pressured... At the same time I will not wait forever and I was only being honest with him by telling him that. The past few months I have not mentioned marriage at all to him, to avoid pressure. But at the same time, IT ISN'T FAIR TO MAKE ME WAIT FOREVER. I feel like if I am "the girl for him" then he should already know that by now. If I am not, ok, let me move on. As far as my daughter goes, she says those things because she recenlty got a step-mom and now knows what it is. When she asks him those things, I just tell her to leave him alone, I don't encourage her!
InJest Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 You already set a deadline of 2 years, so what are you doing here 2.5 years later? I think you already know what's going on here, and where he really stands. This guy isn't going to marry you, and has made it pretty clear that he doesn't care how you feel about it. What you want and what he's giving, are not compatible, so that's why you've been considering breaking up so much recently. Just tell him that he's made no effort to further the relationship and you want to find someone who wants to marry you. Say you think 2+ years is enough to know what you want, and he has shown zero interest in getting married. It's tough, but it won't be long after before you start feeling better. 1
kiss_andmakeup Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 He does not like to stay at his house "because my daughter might mess something up". It is my turn to have my family over for Thanksgiving and his house is quite a bit larger than mine. I asked if we could do it there and he said no. Needless to say that irritated my family. This paragraph is a huge red flag. He does not sound like he is in a mindset to have children, now or any time soon. He doesn't sound family-oriented in general. Chalk this up to incompatibility. Learn from his history, and listen to your family! They sound like they know what's up. You made a big fuss of telling him you won't live together without an engagement, but then go on to say you've barely spent 30 nights apart in the years you've been dating. Talk about "getting the milk for free"! What's the incentive for him to want to take things to the next level? Having your daughter around to "mess something up" in his house? Yes, sounds like it's definitely time to move on. 1
Jamesblame Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 I don't think he wants to marry you. I don't think he's comfortable around kids. I think both should be red flags for you. I think having a history of LTR that end around the 3-5 year mark is a red flag for people who want to be married for the next 20+ years. I think your family not liking you two as a couple...especially since they like him...is a HUGE red flag. In short, you're dating a bachelor. 1
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