Miss No Good Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 (edited) My ex and I have been broken up for around 7 months now. During this time, he went on the rebound with some other girl, but he apologized for it afterwards after I went NC for around a month. He told me that he never stopped liking me, he just couldn't deal with a relationship. We spent 2 months in this phase of 'trying' to see if we would work out. We were basically friends-with-benefits for the past 4 months too. I worked on my problems and the things that went wrong the first time. We have so much fun together as friends and we had fun on friendly dates. The passion is definitely still there. However, recently he told me that he doesn't think he likes me anymore. As in he still likes all the things that originally attracted him to me - my smile, my cuteness, my kindness, etc - but he doesn't think he would want to date me again. This is because he said I don't open up to him as much as he'd like. He doesn't want to continuously have to pry stuff out of me because he feels like I should do that naturally if I trust him and it wouldn't work out if we dated again. He also thinks that I can be immature and not take criticism well. He said it's because when we're together, there's this uncomfortable feeling between us and it's because of me. I know it's because I'm trying so hard to get this to work and I feel so much pressure to prove to him that I've changed, that sometimes I act unnatural - or become too passive about everything in order to please him. I want him to get to know the real me, but I feel like I'm holding back because I don't want to get myself hurt again. I know that if a relationship is supposed to work out, then he should like me for who I am though. I guess it's the constant uncertainty of whether we'll date in the end or not that causes me to hold back. I'll probably constantly question whether I'm wasting my time on this or not - but I do care enough about him to want to hold on and try.I know that I would want my boyfriend to be someone I can trust completely though, so I know I can work on that. But I don't think I should have to convince him to date me... as in, if he likes me then shouldn't he want to be with me? We're still friends right now, and we have so much fun together, but I may want something more. He also has a girl best friend that constantly been pursuing him and telling him to date her. He rejected her advances many times, but she's kissed him and continuously asked him why he doesn't date her when they have so much in common and such. I don't know if he'll give in to her one day or not... I want to become as close to him as they are, but I want him as a boyfriend. Should I just give up on this now since he clearly said he doesn't think he likes me anymore and doesn't want to date me? Even if I believe that those problems can be fixed... i shouldn't have to try so hard to convince someone to want to be with me, right? Should I go NC? He's mentioned that he wants love, but he doesn't feel the energy or motivation to go get it. (Believe me, I wanted to tell him he could get it from me - but I controlled myself) I'm just wondering, how would you get an ex to feel like he wants to be with you.. like he's ready to take on the responsibilities of dating once again? Edited October 31, 2012 by Miss No Good
flitzanu Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 you broke up 7 months ago, he told you he doesn't like you, he keeps you around to bang you, bangs other girls, and doesn't want to date you. do YOU think he wants a relationship with you? 2
geegirl Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 He's mentioned that he wants love, but he doesn't feel the energy or motivation to go get it. (Believe me, I wanted to tell him he could get it from me - but I controlled myself) I'm just wondering, how would you get an ex to feel like he wants to be with you.. like he's ready to take on the responsibilities of dating once again? Baloney. If he doesn't have the energy or motivation to get it, even if you gave it to him, how will he sustain that love. All excuses. He's telling you subtly that he cannot give you what you want. One more thing, when a man tells you he does not want a relationship, DO NOT ever demote yourself to a f*** buddy because once you do that, you stay there. You taught him that you'll forsake your needs to satisfy his, even when it means disrespecting yourself.
Author Miss No Good Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 We've never had sex, nor has he had sex with the other girl. He was with her because she had severe problems (bulimia, cutting herself, etc.) She relied on him and he couldn't find a way out, he felt obligated to help her. He sacrificed his own time and freedom to help her out. I would hate him for going on the rebound, but it wasn't a booty call or anything, he was doing it to help someone who had suicidal thoughts. If I was put into his shoes, I would do whatever I could to help the person too which is why I don't hate him for it.
flitzanu Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 We've never had sex, nor has he had sex with the other girl. He was with her because she had severe problems (bulimia, cutting herself, etc.) She relied on him and he couldn't find a way out, he felt obligated to help her. He sacrificed his own time and freedom to help her out. I would hate him for going on the rebound, but it wasn't a booty call or anything, he was doing it to help someone who had suicidal thoughts. If I was put into his shoes, I would do whatever I could to help the person too which is why I don't hate him for it. but you said you were "friends with benefits". also this other girl, that's what HE TOLD YOU, all of that could be absolute crap. "oh i can't leave her she's crazy". yeah, you can leave someone if she's crazy.
Author Miss No Good Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 It's the fact that after we broke up, he was tired of all the responsibilities of a boyfriend and wanted some freedom. BUT he was dragged into the situation with that girl and could not leave because of her problems. So I think that just added more onto his plate and he hasn't had any real time to himself to do what he wants. He said he's scarred by the past which is why he lacks the energy to find love. I can understand that, being scared to try again because of the past. We're not **** buddies, we've never had sex. We've made out with each other and stuff, that's all. But yes, I will put an end to that.
flitzanu Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 he chose to be involved with the other girl. he wasn't "drug into it" against his will.
Author Miss No Good Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 We've made out and stuff, had physical contact, but not sex. He's not a bad guy. I know the girl, she did in fact have all those problems.. she went to counselling and it did not help. She liked him for 3 years and I guess took advantage of the situation. He was in a vulnerable stage after the break-up and she depended on him so much to the point where he thought that if he left her, then she would kill herself. My other friend is her friend too and told me the same thing. He was not lying, he would not make things up like that.
geegirl Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 We've made out and stuff, had physical contact, but not sex. He's not a bad guy. I know the girl, she did in fact have all those problems.. she went to counselling and it did not help. She liked him for 3 years and I guess took advantage of the situation. He was in a vulnerable stage after the break-up and she depended on him so much to the point where he thought that if he left her, then she would kill herself. My other friend is her friend too and told me the same thing. He was not lying, he would not make things up like that. Bottom line. He doesn't want a relationship with you. He doesn't like you like that anymore. Don't sit around and wait for someone to choose you. Move on.
Author Miss No Good Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 The fact that he likes parts about me, but dislikes others, which is why he wouldn't want to date me. It's things like I can be immature, I can't take criticism well, I can be hot-tempered, etc. But these are things that I want to change about myself, things that would improve myself as a person. I wanted to go NC and work on these things about myself to become a better person. Is there a chance that after I let myself be his friend again, that we can try again..? I know he will still contact me because he still cares a lot about me. He'd call me up at 4 in the morning to see if I'm okay, he'll miss me and ask me to hang out, etc. But I think I need to NC to improve myself and learn to find happiness on my own. As well, he seems scarred by the idea of being in a relationship. He's been depended upon too much and isn't ready for the weight of a relationship just yet. Is there anyway to convince him that if we tried again, it wouldn't be the same as before?
geegirl Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 But I think I need to NC to improve myself and learn to find happiness on my own. ^^ This ^^ Stop deciphering his views of relationships. It's not your job to help him lift the fog. You focus on yourself and do the above. Who knows, you may even start looking at him differently if you truly follow through with the above. And you can't tell him things will be different when you haven't even attempted to focus on yourself. Besides, aren't there things about him that need changing too? Why is the responsibility for a future on your shoulders? Seems like the finger is pointing one way.
Author Miss No Good Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 Basically, I'm getting ahead of myself.. I need to truly focus on myself and forget about him for now. I need to learn to be comfortable with myself and be happy as I am. No more doubting. How can I love someone else when I don't even love myself. After AT LEAST a month NC (or whenever I feel like I'm ready), I can reply to him and slowly reconnect as friends. Hang out casually, but keep the time frames short. Bring up the topic of trying again over time (if my feelings remain the same). I wanted him to learn to open up and depend on others as well, and he has been working on that.
Tree_Salmon Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 We've made out and stuff, had physical contact, but not sex. He's not a bad guy. I know the girl, she did in fact have all those problems.. she went to counselling and it did not help. She liked him for 3 years and I guess took advantage of the situation. He was in a vulnerable stage after the break-up and she depended on him so much to the point where he thought that if he left her, then she would kill herself. My other friend is her friend too and told me the same thing. He was not lying, he would not make things up like that. why are you rationalizing all this? This sounds like immature games and you're playing right in.
Frank13 Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 We're not **** buddies, we've never had sex. We've made out with each other and stuff, that's all. But yes, I will put an end to that. Friends with benefits means you are having sex with a friend. If you aren't having sex, then it is not friends with benefits.
Author Miss No Good Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 why are you rationalizing all this? This sounds like immature games and you're playing right in. I do not see in any way how it is an immature game.. Have you never known any one who is suffering from severe depression? How can you just walk away from that?
Author Miss No Good Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 Alright, but I'm not a very intimate person in general. I rarely hug my closest friends and family. So I guess it means a lot to me that I allow him to be so physically close to me.
flitzanu Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 Basically, I'm getting ahead of myself.. I need to truly focus on myself and forget about him for now. I need to learn to be comfortable with myself and be happy as I am. No more doubting. How can I love someone else when I don't even love myself. After AT LEAST a month NC (or whenever I feel like I'm ready), I can reply to him and slowly reconnect as friends. Hang out casually, but keep the time frames short. Bring up the topic of trying again over time (if my feelings remain the same). I wanted him to learn to open up and depend on others as well, and he has been working on that. then you're still not doing NC for the proper reasons. you're ALREADY trying to set a time frame on how quickly you're going to change your entire personality, and that's super unrealistic. this isnt' about TIMEFRAMES, this is about YOU healing YOURSELF with NO REGARD to HIM. then again, it sounds like you are willing to take all responsibility and blame for every single problem in his life, so why wouldn't he keep you around with no intention of dating you?
Author Miss No Good Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 then you're still not doing NC for the proper reasons. you're ALREADY trying to set a time frame on how quickly you're going to change your entire personality, and that's super unrealistic. this isnt' about TIMEFRAMES, this is about YOU healing YOURSELF with NO REGARD to HIM. then again, it sounds like you are willing to take all responsibility and blame for every single problem in his life, so why wouldn't he keep you around with no intention of dating you? I'm not changing my entire personality, I wouldn't do that for someone. I'm talking about just maturing in general and growing up from a needy/clingy person who depends so much on other people to being more independent and strong. I set a time frame because I need a plan to follow or else I'll just fall back to old routines. I meant a month for like working out at the gym every other day, doing my work on time, going out every Friday night with friends, make new friends, etc. I don't like the person that I am right now, so focused on a guy and believing that he's my only way to romantic happiness. So I want to set this plan to grow up and fix up my childish mistakes. But I see what you guys mean, if I'm just THERE for him, he'll take me for granted and never bother with a relationship because he already has the support he wants. I meant I wanted to go NC and allow him to miss me, and then seeing if we're actually compatible or not - and let him appreciate me being there for him and accepting his and his flaws. (ON TOP of becoming a stronger person for myself). I guess if he doesn't then I continue to go NC until I've moved on and am ready to accept the role of just a friend.
Tree_Salmon Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 I'm not changing my entire personality, I wouldn't do that for someone. I'm talking about just maturing in general and growing up from a needy/clingy person who depends so much on other people to being more independent and strong. I set a time frame because I need a plan to follow or else I'll just fall back to old routines. I meant a month for like working out at the gym every other day, doing my work on time, going out every Friday night with friends, make new friends, etc. I don't like the person that I am right now, so focused on a guy and believing that he's my only way to romantic happiness. So I want to set this plan to grow up and fix up my childish mistakes. But I see what you guys mean, if I'm just THERE for him, he'll take me for granted and never bother with a relationship because he already has the support he wants. I meant I wanted to go NC and allow him to miss me, and then seeing if we're actually compatible or not - and let him appreciate me being there for him and accepting his and his flaws. (ON TOP of becoming a stronger person for myself). I guess if he doesn't then I continue to go NC until I've moved on and am ready to accept the role of just a friend. I don't see why you want to be part of this in any form. You don't want to be friends and you may never be able to accept that. The best thing to do is truly move on and forget about anyone's approval. You shouldnt have to play the game of being someone else in order to please him. And if this was such a big problem for him then it should have come out in the beginning. You should want to change for yourself and for your future, not for him.
Author Miss No Good Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 I don't see why you want to be part of this in any form. You don't want to be friends and you may never be able to accept that. The best thing to do is truly move on and forget about anyone's approval. You shouldnt have to play the game of being someone else in order to please him. And if this was such a big problem for him then it should have come out in the beginning. You should want to change for yourself and for your future, not for him. I don't want to completely cut him out from my life. But I know that as of now, I want him in a more than friends way, so for the sake of myself - I am going NC. If things don't work out, then I will try to move on and accept being his friend - if I can't, then maybe distance is all that can work. For the last time, I'm not trying to be someone else. This is the way I've been towards a lot of people - but who actually calls you out on it. When we were dating, he saw more of positive features and accepted the negative ones as who I am. Once that honeymoon phase passes, if you don't talk about the things that bother you, you grow to get annoyed by them more and more until it's all you can focus on. We made that mistake of not talking about our problems to each other until they escalated drastically. Would I have known that I can be annoying/immature or not handle criticism well if he had not told me? I would have gone ignorantly on with life acting that way to everyone, not just him. Sometimes you just ignore what's right in front of you until someone calls you out on it. It's because of him that I've realized these flaws of mine. I'm going to work on them, not just for myself, but yes, for him, for my family, for my friends. I don't see anything wrong with that.
flitzanu Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 oh. so you just want to change all the things that he told you are negative about your personality. since his opinion is the only one valid in the entire world to tell you that you should change. you ever consider that it's part of who YOU ARE and what makes you an individual? just because HE told you he doesn't like them doesn't mean they are negative. you're also still missing the point of NC.
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