StylistC Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 I feel like before I dive in I need to give you some background. My husband and I have been together for 10 years (Married for 4 of those years). From the very beginning of our relationship I knew that my sex drive was way higher than his. But he still satisfied me and all was good for the first couple of years. Then it just got worse and worse... it became way less frequent and it became so quick and hurried.. no passion or fun... and now it is just awful. Over the years it has greatly affected my confidence in this department and I almost feel scared to initiate anything.. and in his defense, I could try much harder than I do.. but I just have no confidence to make that first move.. and he doesn't make it either.. no one is making moves and I am sexually frustrated! I like fun, different, kinky and dirty sex so it's not like I am a bore in bed! I am also not overweight or out of shape.. I get compliments from randoms all the time and take good care of myself (I am not full of myself but I feel that is important to know in this situation)... Lately, I have completely given up on my sexual life with my husband.. and I have been, very often, watching porn by myself and getting myself off with toys... He has no idea, I do it when he is not around... and No I do not think this is cheating on my husband (though I know of many girls who think their guys watching porn is cheating.. I beg to differ, it's a freaking video)... anyway, I do somewhat feel bad that porn is getting all of my sexual attention.. I mostly feel bad because I don't even want to try to save our sex life because I get myself off no problem.. and it's very fun! However I do love my Husband and being 100% honest I can tell you that this is the ONLY thing lacking in our marriage.. if we could get this dialed in we would be so amazing... he is such a great Husband and I love him with all of my heart.. I just want him to want me.. I want him to throw me down on the bad and just give it to me so to speak... but I have no confidence in bringing this up anymore... I used to bring it up all the time, which I actually think just hurt our sex life more. So before you say "Just talk to him" I can't tell you how many times I have tried to talk to him.. I just don't know what to do... We have tried to watch porn a few times together and that was usually hot, but I don't want to have to do that every time. I am aching for some hot, consistant bedroom fun. it hurts my heart that he doesn't have the desire for it. And before anyone says it, I know in my heart he is not cheating on me so that is not why he doesn't want it.. again, he has had a lack of sex drive since day one of our relationship and I believe its more of a testosterone level thing. anyway... HELP ME.. porn and toys are fun, but my Husband would be way more fun...
pteromom Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 ?? You said it yourself. From day one, his sex drive and level of passion have been lower than yours. So it's not you. You get that right? There's no reason to not feel confident in yourself. If he didn't like hot dogs, and you made him a hot dog, would you be angry that he didn't want to eat it, because he should want a hot dog if it comes from YOU? Sex isn't a top level priority for him. So you are never going to change him into someone who has your sex drive. However - You say that when you have sex using porn, it's hot. So that's promising. It means you are able to have hot sex. But you have to work with what you have. Since you are the high-drive partner, you will likely always be the one initiating. You have to accept that. Since you are the high-drive partner, sometimes your husband will probably say no. You have to accept that, and understand that his rejection isn't a rejection of YOU... it just means he isn't that into sex. Since you are the high-drive partner, you have to find what works and do it. If watching porn together works, then HEY, do it! It sounds like once he gets into it, everything is good, so think about other ways to get him into it. What if you bought some really sexy lingerie? What if you just walked up to him when he was relaxed (not doing something else where you'd be distracting him) and started making out with him? What if you decided that when he is watching his show, you'd start doing the dusting in the living room in the nude? You gotta get over the lack of confidence. That is what is holding you back. You say you know you are fit, and you get compliments from strangers, so you need to KNOW and OWN that you are beautiful, hot, and sexy. Then use that knowledge to seduce your husband. And once you get him in the bedroom, don't LET it be quick and hurried. Take control and slow him down and make the sex what you want it to be.
Author StylistC Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 Thank you for your response. I guess I have a hard time believing it's not me because I have never met a man who isnt that into sex.. I feel like it HAS to be me.. but maybe I am wrong. I agree with you that my confidence level in this department with him has A LOT to do with it, I just don't know how to get it back. I just have the hardest time believing that hes not that into sex and its not me... I feel like I am the male in our marriage because I am the one that wants it all the time and has the strong desire... are their women out there besides me who have a stronger sex drive than their mate? I need to know that this is somewhat normal..
CarrieT Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 I'm a woman and I was like you in my last relationship: insatiable. And, like you, couldn't believe a guy wouldn't want more sex! Others will chime in that you have to be open and frank about your needs because it will only eat away at you more and more. For me, it became a deal breaker after 18 months of NO SEX. I had to end my relationship because he shut down and had no interest. If you don't talk to your husband, it could become a deal breaker for you as well. Good luck.
Author StylistC Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 that is my biggest fear, that it will turn into a dealbreaker... like I said our marriage is unbelievable besides this.. but this is a HUGE DEAL to me. Honestly I left for a couple weeks last year. I told him that we need to take some time a part so we can both think about what we want and what is important to us.. I told him that I am tired of having the same talk and nothing changing.. I told him that though it may be just sex to him it is not to me and is very important.. not even a day of me being gone he was a complete and utter wreck.. calling and texting.. he showed up at the doorstep of my friends house I was staying at a hysterical mess.. telling me he will do anything to prevent losing me... and things were great for two months after that but then it went downhill again.. I love this man and I definitely do not want to lose him, I can't picture my life without him.. he truly is my best friend.. breaks my heart to think that that is even a possibility... It can't get to that point... I shouldn't have to leave for a few weeks to open his eyes to this big problem we have..
pteromom Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 Thank you for your response. I guess I have a hard time believing it's not me because I have never met a man who isnt that into sex.. I feel like it HAS to be me.. It's not you. Every person is different and has a different level of drive. There are plenty of guys who aren't that into sex.
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