Lovesickandlost Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 Need some advice here. I will try to be as brief as possible. Have been dating this guy (we are exclusive) for the past 4 months. I have it bad for him. Still get butterflies every time he calls, texts, when I see him, etc. Major mixed signals going on and there have been some red flags along the way which I have ignored. Such as his needing to "be the boss" and be in control of setting the pace of our relationship. He will not see me more than once a week. He will not use the word "girlfriend". We get along great however and have what I feel to be a solid foundation (we have had many personal talks about our pasts, our families, etc.) and also have fun and have amazing chemistry. He calls me every night, I can count on hearing from him each day just like I can count on the sun rising and setting. Well here's the kicker. Two weeks ago was my birthday. He called me 3 times on my birthday and was super sweet and made my day. We had plans the next night for him to take me out to dinner to celebrate my birthday. Well, he totally flaked out on me. Long story short, he cancelled on me last minute with a ridiculously lame excuse of a mild stomachache. I flipped out because I was so blindsided (he has NEVER cancelled plans on me before this) and yelled at him that night on the phone, letting him know how much he had disappointed me. He completely ruined my birthday weekend I spent the entire weekend in tears. Well, I didn't even hear from him the next day, or the next, or the next, finally a WEEK later he texts me "I'm sorry for what I did, I just got confused". I forgave him and asked when I could see him because I miss him. He then tells me that he "doesn't know what he wants and doesn't want to confuse me". I didnt react just said "oh". He then just kept saying "idk, idk, I'm just really confused". So I have been leaving him alone and giving him space but wtf? What is going on here??? I miss him so much.
MrCastle Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 It's possible there is another woman involved. Or maybe he really is confused, although what is there to be confused about. You either like someone or you don't. I would give him space and see if he comes back. If not, you have your answer. 2
Author Lovesickandlost Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 My gut instinct says there isn't any other woman, I've never gotten a cheater or player kind of vibe from him. Never caught him in a lie or had any problem ever getting ahold of him. He also made a comment like "I didnt meet anybody" to I guess reassure me of that. I don't know what there would be to be confused about either, I mean I know he likes me. Maybe I should ask for clarification about what exactly he is confused about? Or should I just hold off and sit here and wait for him to figure stuff out?
MrCastle Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 My gut instinct says there isn't any other woman, I've never gotten a cheater or player kind of vibe from him. Never caught him in a lie or had any problem ever getting ahold of him. He also made a comment like "I didnt meet anybody" to I guess reassure me of that. I don't know what there would be to be confused about either, I mean I know he likes me. Maybe I should ask for clarification about what exactly he is confused about? Or should I just hold off and sit here and wait for him to figure stuff out? That's the thing about players--you don't realize until it's too late. Hence the name "player"; you get played. I know nothing about him so I can't say whether he is or isn't one but just as a general guideline, you're not supposed to spot a player. That's what makes them players. I would leave him be. See if he can find the source of this "confusion" on his own and get back to you when he's not "confused". 1
sweetkiwi Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 commitment phobia is just a cop out. It may be real but he would have a problem committing to anything and everything. Not just a relationship with you. Why are you letting this guy control the pace of the relationship? Shouldn't it be both people? I would pull away and see what he does from there. Not to play a game. Be prepared to realize he won't suddenly want you. Pull away for you.
BetheButterfly Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 Need some advice here. I will try to be as brief as possible. Have been dating this guy (we are exclusive) for the past 4 months. I have it bad for him. Still get butterflies every time he calls, texts, when I see him, etc. Major mixed signals going on and there have been some red flags along the way which I have ignored. Such as his needing to "be the boss" and be in control of setting the pace of our relationship. He will not see me more than once a week. He will not use the word "girlfriend". We get along great however and have what I feel to be a solid foundation (we have had many personal talks about our pasts, our families, etc.) and also have fun and have amazing chemistry. He calls me every night, I can count on hearing from him each day just like I can count on the sun rising and setting. Well here's the kicker. Two weeks ago was my birthday. He called me 3 times on my birthday and was super sweet and made my day. We had plans the next night for him to take me out to dinner to celebrate my birthday. Well, he totally flaked out on me. Long story short, he cancelled on me last minute with a ridiculously lame excuse of a mild stomachache. I flipped out because I was so blindsided (he has NEVER cancelled plans on me before this) and yelled at him that night on the phone, letting him know how much he had disappointed me. He completely ruined my birthday weekend I spent the entire weekend in tears. Well, I didn't even hear from him the next day, or the next, or the next, finally a WEEK later he texts me "I'm sorry for what I did, I just got confused". I forgave him and asked when I could see him because I miss him. He then tells me that he "doesn't know what he wants and doesn't want to confuse me". I didnt react just said "oh". He then just kept saying "idk, idk, I'm just really confused". So I have been leaving him alone and giving him space but wtf? What is going on here??? I miss him so much. My gut instinct is to for you to run away from that guy. He's trouble. What you miss is the attention and being desired, right? You miss feeling loved. Love is more than a feeling though; it's action and actions speak louder than a phone call every night then nothing for a week... The more stories I hear/read, the more it strikes me that there are many men nowadays who aren't in relationships to love... but to get what they want that is not love. Rather, they are "confused." What happened to strong men who are good who know how to love and be loved??? I'm beginning to think they are becoming rarer, the more stories I hear/read... 1
colombiana28 Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 He's realizing that you're into him more than he's into you. He's too much of a coward to just come right out and say it. So he's "confused." I'm pretty commitment-phobic and that is textbook how I act in relationships I'm not feeling anymore. I'd break up with him, just sever your emotions and be done with him. Only then will he either move on (so you know it wasn't meant to be) or actually pursue you more. I mean once a week? Jeez. And you're head over heels. This will not end well. 1
geegirl Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 "Major mixed signals going on and there have been some red flags along the way which I have ignored. Such as his needing to "be the boss" and be in control of setting the pace of our relationship. He will not see me more than once a week. He will not use the word "girlfriend". Huge red flag on your part. Ignoring what you know is not aligned with your expectations and boundaries, yet playing subservient and allowing to be controlled. "We get along great however and have what I feel to be a solid foundation (we have had many personal talks about our pasts, our families, etc.) and also have fun and have amazing chemistry. He calls me every night, I can count on hearing from him each day just like I can count on the sun rising and setting." Many personal talks about past and families is not what builds a solid foundation. That's just two people sharing their life stories. A solid foundation is based on shared values that build and glue a relationship together. You don't even have a relationship. He sees you on a once a week regimented schedule. What you have is a fun and comfotable existence, at least on his part because I have a feeling you're not getting what you want from this. "He then just kept saying "idk, idk, I'm just really confused". So I have been leaving him alone and giving him space but wtf? What is going on here??? I miss him so much." While you two may have good times together and a level of compatibility, it isn't enough for him to go the extra mile. He can like you but not enough to invest in a relationship. I've had the displeasure of dealing with these types. On the fence they will always sit. They love the excitement of having someone, just not the commitment and the investment that comes along with it. Hence, he controls the pace. It keeps you close enough for him to get what he wants, yet far enough where he can manage your expectations. If he's confused, you step away and let him "unconfuse" himself. You don't step in his mess and wait around hoping for him to clean up. You only enable his bad behavior. If you're there catering to his emotional unavailability, he will continue the cycle. If you step out, it forces him to take stock of his flaws. And please, don't sit around and wait for him to figure himself out. There is a reason the red flags are flying.
dasein Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 Commitment phobe is an overused term IMO. He is just not as attracted as he was, there is the possibility of another woman, the reason doesn't really matter so much as that such waffling is usually the end with little chance of improvement. I think you have gotten overly emotionally attached in four months, and consider avoiding that early next time until you are sure you are both on the same page. Protect yourself, discriminate, and make sure someone's level of feelings and attraction are not going to disappoint you before going all in. Personally, when I hear "I don't know" or wishy washiness, it's the end. There are always options who will be more sure of themselves and their feelings. Find some of those and you won't have to deal with this again. Good luck. 1
Author Lovesickandlost Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 This is to Geegirl - Thanks for your comments, you are right I should not have been allowing him to be in total control of everything, I have not been completely happy or feeling like I am having my needs met either I just have been hoping things would improve, he has made comments like "Ill have more time for you when work slows down" (work slowed down a month ago btw), etc, etc. I think it is all bs actually and he maybe has been just saying what I want to hear to keep me around and now he is running out of excuses for why he cannot spend more time w me. When the real reason is that he doesn't want a relationship and has probably just been leading me on. I'm pissed off. So. You said I should step away and let him unconfuse himself, right? But you also said I shouldn't sit around and wait. So do i contact him now or give him space? I need to talk to him but dont wanna jump the gun in case he really does just need space and maybe was freaked out by our argument. Idk! Ahhhhhhh
Author Lovesickandlost Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 To Colombiana28 - I am def more into him than he is into me but if you could please enlighten me as to why this would be a bad thing for him?
Drseussgrrl Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 No, don't contact him. AT ALL. I'm sorry but going silent for a whole week with no explanation is wrong. You must have been going nuts. In my opinion that is almost abusive. After ruining your birthday. Is this something a guy who really cares about you does? Also, big red flag that he won't call you his girlfriend. Don't get caught up in these ambiguous situations. They will leave you feeling confused, heartbroken and taken advantage of. When a guy is really in love, he ain't gonna balk at the idea of calling you his girlfriend. I agree with Dasein. Once someone starts with the wishy washy crap, saying they're confused - honey they're doing the slow fade out because they don't have the balls to make a clean break. So they'll pull away so far that you're left doing the dirty work because you're so frustrated by that point. Nice huh?
geegirl Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 So. You said I should step away and let him unconfuse himself, right? But you also said I shouldn't sit around and wait. So do i contact him now or give him space? I need to talk to him but dont wanna jump the gun in case he really does just need space and maybe was freaked out by our argument. Idk! Ahhhhhhh As in, step away permanently and move on with your life and let him deal with his. You don't contact him. 1
kiss_andmakeup Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 IMO 4 months is a little too long to be "confused". I know well before then if I want to be serious with someone or not. His behaviour on your birthday, and in the days following, should be the final nail in this coffin. Move on and find someone who isn't "confused".
Ninjainpajamas Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 (edited) This is like being struck in the face with a big red stop sign but still having the nerve to ask what the sign says, and what color is it. You're getting used, this guy never wanted a relationship or anything serious with you and never will. He's totally played you for a fool and has completely shown every possible card that he is merely using you for his benefit, he avoids situations and scenarios where you would become to attached or see as a positive progressive sign. Him cancelling your birthday dinner was more like "oh *****, if I take this side thing out for her birthday she's really going to become emotional thinking this means something more than what it is and then I'm going to have to deal with even more attention and attachment...I can't beat this girl off with a bat apparently, she can't take a hint when a guy isn't into her". He doesn't want anything, special or important or meaningful with you...that's your whole little head and fantasy, you're being used no question about it, no doubt in my mind and this should be obvious to 90 percent of the world. Unfortunately for you, being that you are in it and all wrapped up into your own emotions you feel like it's ok to keep ignoring all the signs that he's giving you that he just wants this to be a casual non-attachment thing. You don't need advice you need to be dunked into a big ice cold bucket of reality and wake the F up. This guy completely has you wrapped around his finger and he's never wanted anything more than a FWB, he's simply let you lie to yourself and tried to show you in obvious ways that this is what you are but for some reason you let them be subtle and keep on moving forward. Hopefully he has the balls to blow you out of the water by dumping you, but being that you're so easily invested and emotionally wrapped up into him, it's pretty much easy pickings and is hard for most men to avoid, because you essentially require such little effort and maintenance that you're not worth leaving until something better comes along. You're basically a zombie, except you walk in circles saying "love me" instead of "braaains". But you have no control over yourself, he can basically use you until he desires. "He will not see me more than once a week. He will not use the word "girlfriend"." I mean really...what else does he need to say and do? This couldn't be anymore of a no-brainer. I feel sorry for you Lovesick, because you'll need to date a string of these men before you even come close to figuring it out if this is such a confusing situation for you. Edited October 31, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas 1
Jamesblame Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 He's realizing that you're into him more than he's into you. He's too much of a coward to just come right out and say it. So he's "confused." I'm pretty commitment-phobic and that is textbook how I act in relationships I'm not feeling anymore. I'd break up with him, just sever your emotions and be done with him. Only then will he either move on (so you know it wasn't meant to be) or actually pursue you more. I mean once a week? Jeez. And you're head over heels. This will not end well. Yep. He likes hanging out with you / having sex with you but he's not ready to commit to you, or think of a long term relationship. He's realized that you like him a lot, and now he feels guilty for stringing you along. So he did the right thing and let you go. He lied about being confused. In reality, he meant...and this will hurt: I don't want a serious relationship though I do get off on the romance, dating, and sexual nature of it all. I don't want to be with you in the long run, and it's obvious you want me more than I do you. Sorry for leading you on.
Author Lovesickandlost Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 Drseussgrrl - Thank you for your comment. And you are right, I felt like I was gonna lose my mind last week. It's really hard to wrap my head around how someone that I had thought cared about me, could do something so horrendous to me, then blow me off for a week. I still can't get over it. And the worst part is that i still want him in my life for some reason. I guess I dont want to accept that he is not the great guy I thought he was
Author Lovesickandlost Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 Damn Ninjainpajamas that was harsh. That hurt really really bad to read just now, but I thank you, because you are right. I'm done with dating, i can't deal with this **** anymore.
Ninjainpajamas Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 (edited) Damn Ninjainpajamas that was harsh. That hurt really really bad to read just now, but I thank you, because you are right. I'm done with dating, i can't deal with this **** anymore. I know it hurts really bad, the truth often does. It's not easy having your emotions and hopes smashed into pieces, especially after feeling you had so much investing and shared with this person. I don't tell people the truth to hurt them, but more of an attempt for them to see the reality and free themselves from this. Because I know how long and drawn out these situations can be, and women will become hurt and jaded over these kinds of experiences and use them to gauge their expectations in their love lives. Never take lightly what you invest in, it's a big deal who you give your heart to and you should be more careful about it because you don't get back what you give, there's no reclaiming of it. That person can really take a big chunk out of you, and that is much harder to get over. Try to absorb the situation and facts as much as possible, or you will get over it and start having these emotions of attachment again and then he'll make a call and you'll be all the way back to square one...as if nothing else ever mattered or counted. I hope you find the strength to pull yourself out of a emotionally destructive experience that will only end in your heartbreak, the more you give, the harder it will be to get over it, you are setting yourself up for a major fall...a fall that could lead you into depression and worthlessness, and you don't need to do that, you just need to walk away, this guy simply has taken what you have given him, don't give men what they don't deserve and haven't earned unless you want to give them the ability to take advantage of you because many will, and you'll attract those men again because they can smell your vulnerability and gullibility, and oddly enough you will choose those men first or in return unknowingly. Don't wait for him to leave you...pick yourself up and walk away from him with self-respect and dignity you have left, because you expected more out of love for yourself. Because if he's a major douchebag that's only concerned about himself he will take everything and leave you with nothing. Edited October 31, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas 2
mortensorchid Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 I'm sorry to hear this, but you are being jerked around by him. You have been together for 4 months and he won't refer to you as his girlfriend yet, and he blew you off on your birthday? He's not that into you. If he was, he would do these things, I don't think it's unreasonable to ask this of him. But since it is, he's just an self centered player. Move on.
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