jjm Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 I just broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years. It was one of the hardest things I had to do in my life because of how much I love her still. I still want to be with her in the end, but I have been having feelings that i want to see other people before this relationship becomes permanent. She was my first girlfriend and the person that i lost my virginity to. For about 4 months, I have been feeling like I'm missing out on my single life, and I just want to see what else is out there so that I can be positive that she is the one for me. The thing that scares me is finding somebody that i like better and that I never get to see or be with my girlfriend again. The past couple of days have been extremely tough for both of us. I keep second guessing my decision and am scared that i made a mistake. We also go to the same college and are in the same major, so we have ran into each other and stopped and talked for a while each of the past 2 days and i fear that it is hindering our grieving process. I love being with her still and it makes me feel whole again when we are together. I know this is crazy, but it just feels so normal to be with her, but i feel bad because of how bad i hurt her. Is it fair for me to keep seeing her and talking to her when i know that we both need to move on? Is no contact really the right way to go? Or am I allowed to be selfish and see her so that I can feel whole again? This is my first break up and I dont know if any of these feelings are real. Thanks for anything you can help me with.
puzzled1 Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 How old are you? My gf of a bit over 3 years broke up with me recently and she had the same excuse but she already had someone she was more interested in, that's what led to the breakup. What you feel like you are missing out on your single life?
Author jjm Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 I just turned 21 last month. I want to express how sorry I am for what you went/are going through. I know it's not easy. I just feel like I need the freedom to find out who I am without her. She has always been there with me and I don't know how it feels to go out and not have to check in with her. I also want to go on dates with other girls to have something to compare our relationship to. It just sucks that I have such strong feelings for her still. But I know if I stayed with her without taking time to experience the single life, I would live to regret not doing what I am doing and I might blame her and take it out on her. I had already noticed signs of me doing that (flipping every argument around so it was her fault, or not comforting her when she needed it). There isn't another girl. There has never been another girl. I have just started to wonder what it would be like to be with another girl.
puzzled1 Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 I understand that but you have to realize that she will also go do her own thing, will you be okay if you see her out with some other guy or if she loses her feelings for you? In my opinion, doubts are the 1st downfall for a relationship. Hope everything works out for you!
Author jjm Posted November 1, 2012 Author Posted November 1, 2012 I appreciate your insight on this. I have nobody to blame but myself if she starts to see another guy. Do you think it is bad that we are still talking to each other? Or do you think cold turkey would be better? What is g.i.g.s.?
puzzled1 Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 I think you guys should stay away from each other and cut any contact. That way jealousy does not come from this. Best of luck to you!
KatZee Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 (edited) Yeah, I'm sorry but you don't get to have your cake and eat it too. You want to be single, so let her go. Stop talking to her. She deserves someone who's going to love her, and TRULY love her and realize what they have when they have it. Not someone who's going to look at her and say, "Hey... I wonder if there's anything better out there?" And your excuse makes no sense. Do you really think she's going to sit around being your "friend" while she watches you go out and do whatever you feel like doing, having sex with whoever, dating whoever, and then welcome you back with open arms whenever you're done exploring? When my ex of almost three years dumped me (for pretty much this same reason) a good friend of mine told me, "Hey you know what, instead of him whining and complaining that he needs to be single to see 'what's out there' why can't he say, 'hey look, i've had a great girlfriend for three years. someone who loved me so much.'" And it's true. Instead of talking about what you're "missing" why don't you take a look at what's right in your face? I get that you have GIGS (Grass is Greener Syndrome). You think you're missing out and there's something greater out there. (And honestly if you find someone better, do you REALLY think you're going to care if you never see your ex again? No. You'll be off doing your "bigger and better" thing.) The dating scene really isn't all that it's cracked up to be. Sure you'll go screw a bunch of girls, be a party playboy for a bit, but that gets old and at the end of every night you'll be going home alone, to a cold and lonely bed. Play around in that scene for a few months and it'll get old and you'll regret throwing away someone you "love so much" just so you can get your dick wet with other girls. My point is: you're either with her, or you're not. Cut the s.hit with trying to be "her friend." You're not. Free her so she can find one who appreciates her. I know this sounds harsh, but I mean all I see is "pity me" in this thing. What about her? I feel so horrible for her because I've been where she is, and it's the worst feeling on earth. To know you did everything physically and humanly possible to make someone happy and it's STILL not good enough. At the end of the day, this is all you're saying to her. "You're not good enough." Edited November 1, 2012 by KatZee 1
Author jjm Posted November 2, 2012 Author Posted November 2, 2012 Katzee, I appreciate your "harshness". It honestly helps me see things clearer, and I am glad you told me these things. After having a few days to sit back and take a look at what is happening, I understand that it is extremely unfair to her to keep in contact and keep stringing her along. I believe what you said about living the single life, and it not being as glamorous as it's made out to be is probably true, however, I just need to get it out of my system before I can give anyone my 100% effort in a relationship. Let me also express my condolences for what happened to you with your boyfriend. I really do wish that these "Grass is Greener Syndrome" feelings never came about, but they have, and I did what I thought was right and ended things with my girlfriend. Once again, I appreciate your insight. Coming from a girl that has been through it before, it helps me a lot to answer the question of whether I should let go of talking to her and for how long. I know in the short run, it feels good and natural to talk and text with her, but in the long run it will only delay the pain. Just curious... How long did it take for you to fully get over it? (assuming you are already over him) Thanks again!
witmadskilllz Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 gigs.. ;( OP, sorry to hear this but I know it's hard having these mixed feelings and uncertainty. But in all respect, and it's true what Katz has said, you have to let her go because you're misleading her.
Liz2012 Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 The problem will be that if you go do this and go date etc, she will start to move on and you can't count on her being there for you after some months, she will move on and she may find that she likes what she sees from her experiences. If you leave her you will likely not get her back, she may make it sound like right now you will but give her six months and I think it's curtains. Sorry.
Author jjm Posted November 5, 2012 Author Posted November 5, 2012 Thanks everybody for the advice. It has been a week since we've broken up and things have calmed down a bit. My feelings have settled and I've come to the decision that I've made the right decision by breaking up with her. We still talk everyday, but mostly to calm her down. I have found that when I am not very busy that I miss her a lot, but that is to be expected and I knew that this would happen if i went through with breaking up with her. I will learn to deal with it. My main concern at this point is her, and what is best for her. I know that witmadskilllz and Katzee have both said that I need to "let her go because i am misleading her." As you know, i love her still very much. But i also want what is in her best interest: not to hurt her anymore than I already have. Do you think the fact that we still talk everyday about the situation is hurting her. I feel like this could slow down the healing process and might "mislead" her. I told myself that i would never hurt this girl. But I did by breaking her heart. I just don't want it to be any worse for her than it has to. What are your thoughts? Thanks! JJM
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