How to deal with insecurities?

[Emilia]

I think couples SHOULD fight. They should fight in a respectful, mature way, but they should still fight. Happiness is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to deal with it. Maybe you feel pent up and insecure because you feel you CAN'T fight. You can't be imperfect, you can't be "expressive" without him getting wound up and upset that you're "fighting."

 

I have been in a relationship like that, and I would not personally repeat it. I want a relationship where I can communicate my feelings, however dark and upsetting they may be, without feeling guilty on TOP of those feelings that I have upset my partner. Constantly worrying that I am "draining" him with my feelings would be exhausting.

 

Yes, we should control our insecurities. But ALL humans feel insecurities. All humans feel irrationally. I thought the purpose of relationships was to have a person we could share these insecurities and feelings with (notice I said "share," not blame or demand they take responsibility for.)

 

In short, maybe you feel insecure because the lack of space and inability to express your irrational/negative feelings are making you feel cornered, and thus hostile towards your relationship and yourself.

 

I agree with all of your posts on this thread and especially this part.

 

I dated men that avoided conflict and behaved in a very controlled manner - though they were capable of having fun still. Each time a dysfunctional passive-aggressive tendency would surface since excessive self-control results in emotions surfacing in a different way. (To me it shows a certain lack of intelligence if someone doesn't understand that emotions need to be managed rather than suppressed - but that's just 'by the way'.)

 

I'm less patient than the OP and less willing to help a man out when I think he isn't pulling his weight in a relationship in terms of conflict solving and now I look out for his conflict handling skills early on (which is difficult because I instintictively like shy men and they don't tend to be particularly forthcoming obviously).

 

I think that being with someone who is open is somewhat scarier because they are so expressive but it is also infinitely more rewarding. I don't really understand what you can expect from a man who isn't able to fully invest.

[xxoo]

He's getting into town tomorrow, and I have a feeling it's going to be a good weekend. What I will focus on this weekend is being as open and communicative as always, but keeping it positive and productive.

 

Sounds like a good plan.

 

How well a couple communicates and resolves conflict is extremely important. This is an area where you each have an opportunity to grow in this relationship: you can learn to be open without being bratty and irrational, and he can learn to be open to conflict. One depends on the other.

 

Have you ever heard the idea that we choose partners who will teach us what we need to learn? Seems like a textbook example

[dasein]

The general differences between men and women in managing conflict come up lots on this board, and have come up several times in this thread. Trying to boil it down, maybe even to the point of oversimplifying a bit for brevity, there are generally two types of conflict in relationships in lots of men's minds:

 

1. Material, legitimate disagreements or just differences in POV, between a couple that is otherwise compatible. These include major issues, in no particular order, religion and religious observance and possibly politics; living arrangements, where and how to live; marriage or not; children or not; health issues, material health, death and emotional/psych issues (material meaning diagnosed and treated); finances including investment and retirement planning, budgeting and spending; sex life and physical affection; interactions with friends and family including exes that are still in the picture due to children, lingering shared finances or property, or even having become friends with exes over the years; career management including division of labor, standard of living and required tradeoffs; education if that is a continuing factor. This is a pretty complete list, but could have missed something. Life is full of these, and most couples must deal with one or more differing POV on at least a few of these.

 

2. Everything else. There are an infinite variety here, but some include conflict for the sake of reassurance, minor differences of mood in the moment, entertainment and food choices including when and whether to attend social events, frequency and nature of daily contact, forwarding a unilateral relationship agenda or timeline, feelings and how one feels about this or that, "testing" or hypotheticals about how one -would- feel or what one -would- do that don't relate to current reality, as just a few common examples. Men expect these to be handled in a few seconds of deliberation, don't expect an endless discussion of these things, and will often shut down entirely, even with respect to type 1 issues, if they feel their lives are being needlessly bogged down in these kinds of disagreements.

 

IMO and IME, a common male opinion, self included, is going to be that most everything in category 2 can and should be avoided whenever possible, because life serves up a cornucopia of material category 1 issues, and in between those the desired goal is -peace, quiet and enjoyment of life- . Also that needlessly indulging in category 2 disagreement is often a function of drama seeking, insecurity, manipulation, basically selfish motive.

 

One common male POV is that we want our SO to be fully capable of enjoying life and having a general -contented- attitude when category 1 topics are not at issue. Why spend precious life and time with someone who does not demonstrate the ability to enjoy things when they are good? and not only that, but seeks to drag us into their discontented state at every opportunity?

 

What is called "communication," hashing things out, is a means to material type one life goals and harmony, not a constant requirement engaged in for reassurance and manipulation.

 

The above can be summarized as men don't want to sweat the small stuff, and will grow resentful over time of SOs who want to drag us into a constant melodramatic emphasis on what is objectively minutiae. Of course there can be cases where the man is the one constantly stirring the pot, but it is usually IME a gender issue.

 

Hope this helps some.

Edited November 1, 2012 by dasein

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm not someone who easily throws in the towel, but this seems A LOT of work with very little (if any) reward...

The rewards are many. We have a blast together most of the time, doing anything at all, from going fun places to just sitting around talking. He offered to install my fancy new blinds in my home office this weekend, and I know even that's going to be fun.

 

He takes charge and enjoys making me happy. Last weekend he took me to a national park with gorgeous scenery and fall leaves, and the whole day, he just kept looking for new places and ways to make it more fun and magical for me. I didn't have to worry about a thing. I just sat back and enjoyed. And he loved making all this happen.

 

Our sexual connection is fantastic, full of excitement, and wild, and it just keeps getting better. He's less experienced, but he's a very fast learner, and he's reading educational sex tips and surprising me with new ideas all the time. A few weeks ago we were reading some tantric sex tips (which I saw linked from LS, by the way), and tried one of them out. It was soooo hot, and something I'd never done, but just the kind of thing I love to try. He told me recently that he knew he had made a great impression the first time we ever had sex - he could tell I loved it, and he did, too. And it just keeps getting better.

 

We talk every day about what's going on in our lives, the good and the bad, and we give each other good advice all the time. I'm running a start-up business that's taken off like a rocket, and he got his MBA and knows way more about business strategy than I do. I'm flying by the seat of my pants and doing pretty awesome most of the time, but every time I feel overwhelmed and out of my element, he has some great advice or just the right book about a business topic to recommend. And when he complains about interpersonal issues at work, I usually have some good advice about communication and relating to people that he always appreciates.

 

I could go on and on.

 

The point of this thread - for me - is not to question the relationship. For now, I'm in it and giving it my best shot. The point is to look at my own self-defeating communication tendencies. Whether this guy and I stick together a short time or a long time, I think this is a healthy, productive use of my time. Whatever happens with us, it's a very good thing for me to learn to be more mature and constructive in my relationships and communication.

 

He's not just "a man who avoids conflict". And to him, I'm not just "a woman who likes to fight". We're multi-faceted people, just like everybody else, with our strengths and weaknesses. I could sit here and complain about his flaws, but the only ones I can really do anything about are my own.

 

And when I communicate in a more positive, constructive way, I get more of what I want, too. He doesn't open up and express himself when he's feeling defensive. He opens up when he's feeling connected, understood, appreciated. Those are the times when he tells me how much he enjoys our time together, what a good influence I'm having on him, and all that good stuff.

 

He's working on his stuff, I'm working on mine, and that's the way it should be.

 

I could easily find a different man who would adore and validate me with plenty of romantic words and gestures. But would he challenge me to rise to my best like this man is? I doubt it.

[verhrzn]

Ruby, we're not trying to make you question the relationship. But you're blaming yourself and ONLY yourself. You completely excuse him of any responsibility....

 

In your last post, you mentioned how you were "complaining in a petty way." Now, maybe this is accurate, and you could try to be less of a "petty complainer," but then again, did that justify him telling you that he can't be perfect all the time? What a weird answer! To me, that's completely skipping responsibility and making YOU feel like you're pressuring him.

 

To me, a mature response would be sitting down and figuring out WHY you're feeling petty/complaining. The first step in communication is acknowledging your feelings, and then analyzing them. He did NOT do that... he just shoved your feelings away by claiming that you were demanding he be perfect.

 

We don't want you to ditch the relationship. But personally, I want you to start examining it.... examining the way you and he communicate. Do you acknowledge and are respectful of each other's feelings? It's clear you're taking responsibility for your feelings.... heck, you're taking responsibility for your feelings AND his! And you're beating yourself up in the process.... "Why am I so insecure? I'm such a petty complainer! I make him shut down during fights because I don't communicate well enough."

 

Maybe you don't mean to come across this way, but you talk about him like he's a nearly perfect god, who at the same time is apparently powerless over his feelings...

 

He doesn't open up and express himself when he's feeling defensive. He opens up when he's feeling connected, understood, appreciated. Those are the times when he tells me how much he enjoys our time together, what a good influence I'm having on him, and all that good stuff.

 

In other words, HIS reactions depend entirely on YOU. Ask yourself why he isn't able to open up when perhaps you're feeling low? Why is the onus always on you to be the better and stronger person to get things done?

 

I dunno, Ruby. I'm glad you like this relationship, but I gotta agree with Frogwife, it sounds like a hell of a lot of work. It also sounds like it just feeds your self-defeating tendencies... your insecurities, your faults, ways you need to be better/different, etc. But that's just my opinion.

[dasein]

I disagree with verhizon, respectfully, as she makes excellent general points. IMO, though, specifically with respect to what you have posted about this relationship, less examination of the relationship is called for and more enjoyment of it. When material issues encroach on the relationship, and they will in all likelihood over time, save your energy for those and think less of trying to manufacture something wrong in the now.

 

Your relationship is at a stage where both people are wondering whether "is this the one?" and that will lead to stress naturally, but that stress should not be endlessly communicated or hashed over, but dealt with individually. You have to accept that either or both of you could answer the "is this the one?" question with a "no" and move on, and no amount of discussion would change that outcome, maybe only exacerbate minor uncertainty into major uncertainty unnecessarily.

[Ruby Slippers]

Well, I'm reading what you're saying, but it comes across to me as a negative read. I'm not taking responsibility for his reactions and behavior - I'm just acknowledging my part in influencing them, and working toward the honey rather than vinegar approach.

 

I DO feel irrational insecurities at times. I do issue petty, unconstructive complaints sometimes. Sometimes I do communicate poorly, in a dysfunctional, no-win way. I can step outside of myself in certain moments and see how unproductive and childish I'm being.

 

And I want to improve on that, as I recognize now it's a tendency that's affected all my romantic relationships for the worse.

 

I also know that he can be uptight, and guarded, and so on. And I see the clear improvement in just a few months - in BOTH of us.

 

The better I get at communicating fairly, the more he opens up. And the more he opens up, the more I relax and communicate better.

 

By the way, positive, productive communication is something I'm working on across the board, including in my business. I've seen amazing results as I've improved at customer service, conflict resolution, and all that business relationship stuff. Good communication has the power to melt disagreements and take relationships to a totally different level - one that's much more rewarding and fulfilling, and in the case of my business, exponentially more profitable for both parties.

 

When I improve, everything improves. That's what I'm going for.

Edited November 1, 2012 by Ruby Slippers

[Ruby Slippers]

When you start to go down the insecurity road, can you identify what exactly it is that you're "needing" in that moment?

 

I think that just identifying these specific needs right when they're happening is often helpful, because it can kind of jolt you out of the emotional loop and into a more rational place. It's really great that you recognize that this is coming from your fears and that you know, when you can step outside of those internal fears, that he's not responsible for them. That speaks really well of both of you. So the next step for you is, when you start to feel those fears, to ask yourself what exactly it is that you need in that moment - and if it's really something you need from him, or if it's something you can provide for yourself.

Excellent advice. More often than not, I just want reassurance of some kind. And you're right - it might just be reassuring myself that things are OK, I'm doing well, the world's not going to end.

 

In fact, I tried this once. We were having a disagreement that didn't seem to be going anywhere, and I said I was going to go to another room and just write. Writing can be very therapeutic for me - I get all the junk in my brain out, and then can see everything more clearly. I said calmly that I didn't know how to resolve our disagreement, and was going to go write about it. He knows I'm pretty serious about writing and do it for creative and therapeutic reasons. But he said he didn't want me to go sit alone and write about it - he wanted me to tell him what was wrong and work it out together. Then we quickly solved the puzzle, within a few minutes.

 

The next time I feel all worked up and upset, I'm going to stop and ask myself: "What do I need right now?" And then make it happen, or ask for it.

 

Very good advice.

[OliveOyl]

You desired a wonderful relationship; you got it. Now you're just in the process of "coming into alignment" with what you have received since on some level you feel it is a "stretch."

 

With other people it can be the other way around... they get a relationship that is not a stretch and they try to make the relationship come into alignment with what they desire.

 

In any case I agree the only person you can change is yourself and there's a (faulty) belief you're carrying about self-worth that simply needs upgrading. You probably won't change this belief and your patterns of thought all at once, but it's doable. Try some gentle self-talk when you find yourself getting into petty disagreements:

 

- "It doesn't have to all be fixed now"

- "We can disagree about things but overall the balance of this relationship is very positive"

- "This situation <whatever it is at the time> isn't really that big a deal in the scheme of things. I can let it rest for a little while..."

... and so on.

 

Be easy on yourself. Congrats on your relationship!

[Ruby Slippers]

The weekend was good. I had my moments, but in the couple of discussions when I got a little worked up, I did a good job of calming myself down, identifying what I wanted/needed, and asking for it or making it happen.

 

He told me outright that he sometimes feels like I argue just to test him and see what he'll do. I agreed, and said I'm not doing this consciously, but sometimes it's the only thing that will spark a discussion that needs to be had. I told him that if he'd stop avoiding every confrontation, and be more willing to talk about things before they build up to the ignition point, this would happen less.

 

We still have some differences to discuss, and if they can't be resolved, I'll be OK with ending this and moving on. Our main point of conflict at the moment is that he's more sexually conservative and inhibited than I am, and it can be a little frustrating for me.

 

In the 5 months we've been together, he's come a long way and really opened up sexually (and in other ways), but he still clearly has some shame about his sexuality, almost certainly due to his conservative religious upbringing. He obviously loves what we do in bed, and he's just as wild and fun as I am, but later, he sometimes has some guilt and shame about new things we're trying. The good thing is he's smart enough to talk about this and consider that it's the beliefs in his head getting in the way, and not hard facts. And the sexual activities that he is comfortable with (like straight-up intercourse) are going through the roof. It's just that he's skittish about other things that I'm already completely comfortable with. For example, he thinks that coming in my mouth is "dirty". He's only done it once, and he was obviously in heaven, but later he said he felt bad, like it was "too dirty". I said to me, there's nothing dirty about it - it's just hot. I said that "dirty" is a belief in his head, not a fact. That got through to him somewhat.

 

I'm being patient, but starting to think it might just be sexual incompatibility. I know we're a great match physically and with the energy we bring to sex - but he's got some barriers in his head, and when it comes to sex, I have basically no shame and no judgment.

 

As usual, he's trying to put off discussing our different attitudes toward sex, and asking me to be patient and give him more time to adapt and open up. But I feel like we're never going to get anywhere unless I keep the conversation going.

 

The next time we talk, I'm going to tell him that a fun, dynamic, exploratory sex life is essential for me, and ask if he'll take some specific steps to get there with me. If he's open to that, I can be patient with him. If not, I think we're just not a match, and it'll probably be time to move on.

 

But I'm optimistic. Every time this happens, he fights it a little, then agrees to give things a shot. Then once he does, he's always so glad he did. In a different sense, I do the same thing.