How to deal with insecurities?

[Ruby Slippers]

So. I've been dating this amazing guy for almost 5 months, and things are just getting better. Though our opposite personalities concerned me at first, the more I get to know him, the better we seem to balance each other out. He's more conservative, modest, and reserved, and I'm free-spirited, open, and expressive. He tells me I'm a kid, and he's an old man, and there's some truth to that!

 

He tells me he has so much fun with me, and he's starting to feel more comfortable laughing out loud, letting go, not worrying what other people think about him. At the same time, I just love how solid, practical, and responsible he is. He takes care of all the grown-up stuff and the details, so I get to just relax and have fun. And he loves doing it.

 

All signs for the future are good. He's starting to talk about taking a vacation together, we're making plans further out, figuring each other into longer-term plans and decisions. We're getting more comfortable and open with each other all the time.

 

My only concern is that I might mess things up with my insecurities. He's a total catch, and I really, really like him. I feel like deep down I'm scared this isn't going to last, so when something upsets me, I tend to get bratty and irrational. I feel like I'm testing him to see if he likes me enough to put up with my crap. But rationally, I know this is not good!

 

So far, he's put up with it. But recently, he's said: "You need to stop fighting with me," and "Why do we fight so much?" He also said, "Sometimes it seems like you're trying to get rid of me." We don't spend THAT much time arguing, but he HATES confrontation and avoids it if at all possible, so to him, any arguing is bad. He's almost always the peacemaker, and he never complains about anything between us. And when I'm upset, he's always coming toward me, being affectionate and caring, trying to resolve the problem.

 

I don't want to fight, either! When we're getting along well, we have a wonderful time and a fantastic connection. We're so happy.

 

I think the core issue is that I'm scared he doesn't like me enough - but when I look at the facts, they clearly show that he likes me a lot. My friends who have met him say he's obviously crazy about me. He had to move to another city a 6-hour drive away last month for work, and though the change was unpredictable, he's been great - totally rock solid and reliable, as always. We've seen each other every weekend, he texts and calls me and we talk for an hour or two every day we're not together, and he just keeps increasing the amount of time we get to spend together. This Friday, he's working remotely and coming to my city Thursday night so we get more time together.

 

Sometimes I'm able to communicate my concerns about things calmly and in a positive way, but other times, I just freeze up and get very self-protective and hostile.

 

Has anyone been in this situation? Any advice for how to just relax and enjoy?

Edited October 31, 2012 by Ruby Slippers

[worldgonewrong]

This is going to sound horribly simplistic but I'm trying to help in a small way:

 

Don't self-sabotage a good thing.

You know in your heart you have a good thing, and maybe on some subconscious level you don't feel you're worthy. I think we all do this, to some extent.

And we also all worry that the good thing is going to disintegrate or implode.

So relax by knowing you have it good and that you DESERVE this good thing.

It's a gift from God/the universe/angels, and accept it with your heart & soul openly.

[worldgonewrong]

p.s. I apply the same thoughts to myself, as I completely get your insecurities.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I did exactly the same things in my last relationship. EXACTLY. And for the same reasons. I picked fights over every little thing -I was actually testing him to see how far I can go, how much is he willing to put up with. And he made the same comments: we fight too much. I wish we didn't fight this much.

 

Eventually, he said that he felt drained by the relationship.

 

It's not too late for you, learn from my mistakes

[serial muse]

Hi Ruby,

 

When you start to go down the insecurity road, can you identify what exactly it is that you're "needing" in that moment?

 

I think that just identifying these specific needs right when they're happening is often helpful, because it can kind of jolt you out of the emotional loop and into a more rational place. It's really great that you recognize that this is coming from your fears and that you know, when you can step outside of those internal fears, that he's not responsible for them. That speaks really well of both of you. So the next step for you is, when you start to feel those fears, to ask yourself what exactly it is that you need in that moment - and if it's really something you need from him, or if it's something you can provide for yourself.

[FitChick]

You believe you aren't good enough or lovable or similar. Eliminate those beliefs. I'll send you a PM telling you how.

[chinainn]

Hi Ruby,

 

It's interesting as I am facing a similar situation in my life except that I am the guy similar to yours. It is sort of similar problem, but except that its the guy that is posting. The girl I am seeing has similar problems and she behaves insecure, childish and fights with me all the time. She acts rude, and hostile and I am confused why she behaves this way. It would be interesting to share our perspectives on how to handle it. You can read more about my situation in this thread.."Manipulative". I posted it today 10/31.

 

As to your situation, I feel your guy and I are similar in lot of ways. From what you described, he is into you and he seems to be a mature guy. I feel communication is key. Do not have expectations and enjoy life day by day. Life is too short and we do not know what's going to happen the next day. So when you feel insecure, and feel impulsive take deep breaths and think about all the positives that he like you for..he is with you because you complete him. He is with you because he saw something in you, or else he could have been with some other person. So enjoy and live the moment. Good luck !

[verhrzn]

Is it possible you're "fighting so much" because there actually is something about the relationship that bothers you? Yes, we should all own our insecurities.... but we should maybe also examine the idea about what could be causing those insecurities.

 

I don't mean that you don't believe you deserve love, or don't deserve a great guy. I mean maybe there is something about THIS particular guy, and something about the dynamic about your relationship, that sets off the little red flags in your head.

 

For example, I notice that in your post, you talk about how he complains that you fight ALL the time, and that he hates conflict. You also mentioned that you guys talk for over an hour, almost two, every day and see each other every weekend.

 

Now, everybody has a threshold for how much contact they want, but I guess to me that amount of contact seems a bit.... pushy? It makes sense when a couple is in the Honeymoon phase, but you guys have been going out for 5 months. All that I can think of is," Talking for hours every day AND spending all weekend, every weekend together... how do you have time for anything else?"

 

Maybe the reason you're "fighting" and pushing him away is because deep down, you actually don't enjoy this heightened amount of contact. Maybe you WANT him a little away, because you feel a little suffocated.

 

I just look at my own experience, and I've noticed that when I feel a little cornered, when I feel that a partner/friend is being clingy/needy, my reaction is to be overly insecure. I think this is maybe because I feel guilty about pushing away someone who "obviously" likes me, so I avoid the guilt by being overly harsh on myself.

 

To admit my own prejudices, I also don't trust people who hate conflict. Avoiding conflict at all costs and being a "peacemaker" is NOT mature, it's just avoidant, and can cause serious problems down the road (emotional distress and feeling drained at all the energy spent avoiding the conflict, resentment at the partner "making" you fight, etc.)

 

I think couples SHOULD fight. They should fight in a respectful, mature way, but they should still fight. Happiness is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to deal with it. Maybe you feel pent up and insecure because you feel you CAN'T fight. You can't be imperfect, you can't be "expressive" without him getting wound up and upset that you're "fighting."

 

I have been in a relationship like that, and I would not personally repeat it. I want a relationship where I can communicate my feelings, however dark and upsetting they may be, without feeling guilty on TOP of those feelings that I have upset my partner. Constantly worrying that I am "draining" him with my feelings would be exhausting.

 

Yes, we should control our insecurities. But ALL humans feel insecurities. All humans feel irrationally. I thought the purpose of relationships was to have a person we could share these insecurities and feelings with (notice I said "share," not blame or demand they take responsibility for.)

 

In short, maybe you feel insecure because the lack of space and inability to express your irrational/negative feelings are making you feel cornered, and thus hostile towards your relationship and yourself.

[2sunny]

I'm a terrific free spirited gal!!!

 

No matter how great they are - I get bored with the rigid and controlled men.

[xdahliax]

You believe you aren't good enough or lovable or similar. Eliminate those beliefs. I'll send you a PM telling you how.

Can you please post the gist of it here? I'd like to benefit from your tips as well. I think a lot of people face the issues the OP is facing.

[olivec]

So. I've been dating this amazing guy for almost 5 months, and things are just getting better. Though our opposite personalities concerned me at first, the more I get to know him, the better we seem to balance each other out. He's more conservative, modest, and reserved, and I'm free-spirited, open, and expressive. He tells me I'm a kid, and he's an old man, and there's some truth to that!

 

He tells me he has so much fun with me, and he's starting to feel more comfortable laughing out loud, letting go, not worrying what other people think about him. At the same time, I just love how solid, practical, and responsible he is. He takes care of all the grown-up stuff and the details, so I get to just relax and have fun. And he loves doing it.

 

All signs for the future are good. He's starting to talk about taking a vacation together, we're making plans further out, figuring each other into longer-term plans and decisions. We're getting more comfortable and open with each other all the time.

 

My only concern is that I might mess things up with my insecurities. He's a total catch, and I really, really like him. I feel like deep down I'm scared this isn't going to last, so when something upsets me, I tend to get bratty and irrational. I feel like I'm testing him to see if he likes me enough to put up with my crap. But rationally, I know this is not good!

 

So far, he's put up with it. But recently, he's said: "You need to stop fighting with me," and "Why do we fight so much?" He also said, "Sometimes it seems like you're trying to get rid of me." We don't spend THAT much time arguing, but he HATES confrontation and avoids it if at all possible, so to him, any arguing is bad. He's almost always the peacemaker, and he never complains about anything between us. And when I'm upset, he's always coming toward me, being affectionate and caring, trying to resolve the problem.

 

I don't want to fight, either! When we're getting along well, we have a wonderful time and a fantastic connection. We're so happy.

 

I think the core issue is that I'm scared he doesn't like me enough - but when I look at the facts, they clearly show that he likes me a lot. My friends who have met him say he's obviously crazy about me. He had to move to another city a 6-hour drive away last month for work, and though the change was unpredictable, he's been great - totally rock solid and reliable, as always. We've seen each other every weekend, he texts and calls me and we talk for an hour or two every day we're not together, and he just keeps increasing the amount of time we get to spend together. This Friday, he's working remotely and coming to my city Thursday night so we get more time together.

 

Sometimes I'm able to communicate my concerns about things calmly and in a positive way, but other times, I just freeze up and get very self-protective and hostile.

 

Has anyone been in this situation? Any advice for how to just relax and enjoy?

 

My last girlfriend was just like that. Which unfortunately ended badly for me. I didnt want to argue and she did. The saddest part was it over something soo petty. I tried explaining to her that cared about her and wanted to continue seeing her but she had it in her mind it was over and we were just friends. So i let her go and have not contacted her since. I'm much like your bf very quiet and laid back and she was wild and full of energy the chemesitry early on was amazing. So yeah a piece of advice dont get hungup on bul**** instead be gratefull for what you have and appreciate it.

[ThaWholigan]

Is it possible you're "fighting so much" because there actually is something about the relationship that bothers you? Yes, we should all own our insecurities.... but we should maybe also examine the idea about what could be causing those insecurities.

 

I don't mean that you don't believe you deserve love, or don't deserve a great guy. I mean maybe there is something about THIS particular guy, and something about the dynamic about your relationship, that sets off the little red flags in your head.

 

For example, I notice that in your post, you talk about how he complains that you fight ALL the time, and that he hates conflict. You also mentioned that you guys talk for over an hour, almost two, every day and see each other every weekend.

 

Now, everybody has a threshold for how much contact they want, but I guess to me that amount of contact seems a bit.... pushy? It makes sense when a couple is in the Honeymoon phase, but you guys have been going out for 5 months. All that I can think of is," Talking for hours every day AND spending all weekend, every weekend together... how do you have time for anything else?"

 

Maybe the reason you're "fighting" and pushing him away is because deep down, you actually don't enjoy this heightened amount of contact. Maybe you WANT him a little away, because you feel a little suffocated.

 

I just look at my own experience, and I've noticed that when I feel a little cornered, when I feel that a partner/friend is being clingy/needy, my reaction is to be overly insecure. I think this is maybe because I feel guilty about pushing away someone who "obviously" likes me, so I avoid the guilt by being overly harsh on myself.

 

To admit my own prejudices, I also don't trust people who hate conflict. Avoiding conflict at all costs and being a "peacemaker" is NOT mature, it's just avoidant, and can cause serious problems down the road (emotional distress and feeling drained at all the energy spent avoiding the conflict, resentment at the partner "making" you fight, etc.)

 

I think couples SHOULD fight. They should fight in a respectful, mature way, but they should still fight. Happiness is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to deal with it. Maybe you feel pent up and insecure because you feel you CAN'T fight. You can't be imperfect, you can't be "expressive" without him getting wound up and upset that you're "fighting."

 

I have been in a relationship like that, and I would not personally repeat it. I want a relationship where I can communicate my feelings, however dark and upsetting they may be, without feeling guilty on TOP of those feelings that I have upset my partner. Constantly worrying that I am "draining" him with my feelings would be exhausting.

 

Yes, we should control our insecurities. But ALL humans feel insecurities. All humans feel irrationally. I thought the purpose of relationships was to have a person we could share these insecurities and feelings with (notice I said "share," not blame or demand they take responsibility for.)

 

In short, maybe you feel insecure because the lack of space and inability to express your irrational/negative feelings are making you feel cornered, and thus hostile towards your relationship and yourself.

It hasn't been often I agree with V recently, but I absolutely wholeheartedly concur with this.

 

Conflict is an intrinsic part of relationships to varying degrees. Some couples have a relatively serene cycle, others are more naturally volatile - but trying to quell it constantly can cause hidden problems that go unaddressed until it explodes to the surface in dramatic fashion. I think there is a misconception that conflict equals a bad relationship and I don't think that is necessarily the case, sometimes it's necessary for the natural cycle of the relationship.

[SmileFace]

I find a lot of time I find myself in relationship/dating and I will ignore each and every red flag because I am under the impression that I am just fighting it - since I have been known to do that in the past. I hear it all the time " stop fighting love", "you have to be more understanding".... I usually see commitment and run but now that I am seeking a relationship I confuse actually red flags with me just running away since I am scared.

 

Yes we understand that you are insecure but you want to make sure and look over this and see if there is an actual reason for this - you can't blame yourself for this not working. It may actually not be working.

[ascendotum]

"I feel like deep down I'm scared this isn't going to last, so when something upsets me, I tend to get bratty and irrational. I feel like I'm testing him to see if he likes me enough to put up with my crap. But rationally, I know this is not good!"

 

Why won't it last...because most of the men you pick don't...or because 'he's above your league' or has a roving eye?

Being 'bratty and irrational' would turn a lot of guys off in the early days of a relationship, but it sounds like he is taking it in his stride, so far, because he is in to you. At what point do you decide this testing behaviour has given you your answer, that he has put up with your crap and really wants to be with you? The thing is too 'your crap'...this behaviour is not the normal you (I gather).

You fully realize what you are doing is not good and you really don't want to lose this guy (like some others in the past maybe), so I would have thought because you are cognisant of this, that's the biggest step in the right direction to checking yourself each time you start to get into a fight over some chicken shyte issue.

[verhrzn]

Conflict is an intrinsic part of relationships to varying degrees. Some couples have a relatively serene cycle, others are more naturally volatile - but trying to quell it constantly can cause hidden problems that go unaddressed until it explodes to the surface in dramatic fashion. I think there is a misconception that conflict equals a bad relationship and I don't think that is necessarily the case, sometimes it's necessary for the natural cycle of the relationship.

 

Having a partner who avoids conflict at all costs could actually be a form of controlling... He is essentially telling you you are not allowed to be upset/expressive negativity because of how much it will upset HIM. Just like you shouldn't blame him for your insecurities, you're not to blame for him being unable to deal with conflict.

 

But by telling you you guys "fight too much," he is taking away your right to communicate and, ya know, conflict when necessary.

 

I also think this is the danger of dating guys "above" your league, at least when it comes to your self-perception. It means you lack the ability to spot red flags. You become desperate to hang onto this "great" guy, who is SO much better than you could ever get, that you ignore the ways you guys might not be working.

 

Not working does not mean the end of the relationship, but it DOES mean you both need to work harder at communication and honesty. If he is shutting down your ability to communicate ("we fight so much!") how can you fix what might not be working?

 

I think this is another reason I prefer my geeky, cute-but-not-hot male brethren... I don't feel as intimidated to express my opinion because I am not afraid of "losing" something fantastic.

Edited October 31, 2012 by verhrzn

[ThaWholigan]

Addressing Ruby,

 

I think that there may be some kind of medium when it comes to avoiding conflict. You seem like a very naturally emotionally expressive person, whereas BF is perhaps not quite that way. He probably needs to adjust to your own emotional cycle as you probably do to his. This won't happen in 7 months and may take a little while to iron out if you are both committed. With that, your relationship cycle will sync in it's own time and you will both settle into a natural rhythm.

 

I reckon you guys are a good match - provided you both communicate with each other over the issue of conflict. He needs to make you aware of his own needs with regards to the ethos surrounding your union, but you absolutely need to make him aware that conflict is not an inherently toxic element to a relationship but could even make it stronger, more passionate and (ironically) easier.

[ThaWholigan]

Having a partner who avoids conflict at all costs could actually be a form of controlling... He is essentially telling you you are not allowed to be upset/expressive negativity because of how much it will upset HIM. Just like you shouldn't blame him for your insecurities, you're not to blame for him being unable to deal with conflict.

 

But by telling you you guys "fight too much," he is taking away your right to communicate and, ya know, conflict when necessary.

 

Precisely. You could even argue that conflict is necessary in other interpersonal relations. This forum is a fantastic example.

 

I think it is controlling on his behalf, but perhaps - harking back to previous threads regarding Ruby's BF - this is his previous identity struggling to reaffirm itself in his newfound personal freedom in this relationship with a free-spirited woman.

 

I think you are 100% right - communication and conflict are linked in this case and should indeed be talked about.

 

I also think this is the danger of dating guys "above" your league, at least when it comes to your self-perception. It means you lack the ability to spot red flags. You become desperate to hang onto this "great" guy, who is SO much better than you could ever get, that you ignore the ways you guys might not be working.

 

I think that league or not, when we encounter a good thing in our lives that appears scarce, we tend to get scared that it could disappear out of our existence. We tend to tread on eggshells trying to keep that thing in our life. The problem is that it keeps one from truly appreciating that person in the moment and indeed that person gets to see all of you and vice versa.

 

It is also debatable if this guy is the "best" Ruby could ever get. He may be a catch, but I don't think a catch is as scarce as predicted. Nonetheless, the sentiment is not incorrect.

Not working does not mean the end of the relationship, but it DOES mean you both need to work harder at communication and honesty. If he is shutting down your ability to communicate ("we fight so much!") how can you fix what might not be working?

 

Men can be a little short-sighted in this area. Maybe he feels that HE is the one who could be losing a sure thing, and maybe his self-perception is screwed up too - so his interpretation of conflict and his subsequent avoidance could be summed up to "I don't want to lose this woman". I suspect Ruby is not the only one with insecurities in this relationship.

 

I absolutely agree again though - him shutting down the communication from Ruby, is also shutting down his own communication.

 

I think this is another reason I prefer my geeky, cute-but-not-hot male brethren... I don't feel as intimidated to express my opinion because I am not afraid of "losing" something fantastic.

 

Everyone is afraid of losing something fantastic. Even I have my fears about things and I consider myself to have an advanced level of emotional control. They are best acknowledged rather than repressed, but that doesn't mean they should be magnified.

[verhrzn]

I think that league or not, when we encounter a good thing in our lives that appears scarce, we tend to get scared that it could disappear out of our existence. We tend to tread on eggshells trying to keep that thing in our life. The problem is that it keeps one from truly appreciating that person in the moment and indeed that person gets to see all of you and vice versa.

 

It is also debatable if this guy is the "best" Ruby could ever get. He may be a catch, but I don't think a catch is as scarce as predicted. Nonetheless, the sentiment is not incorrect.

 

Oh I'm sure he isn't the "best" he could get (and I kind of hate the idea of soul mates, or ranking potential mates anyway, so "best" is so subjective.) I meant that's how SHE sees it... she seems to see him as "best" and far outside her league. Since she's the one who feels this way, she may be putting rosy-colored glasses on the relationship (not saying it's a bad relationship, but no relationship is perfect) or putting the guy on a pedestal.

 

By also evoking him as "better," she is taking away permission from herself to be imperfect, human, emotional, whatever. She has to BE the best to GET the best. Know what I mean?

[todreaminblue]

So. I've been dating this amazing guy for almost 5 months, and things are just getting better. Though our opposite personalities concerned me at first, the more I get to know him, the better we seem to balance each other out. He's more conservative, modest, and reserved, and I'm free-spirited, open, and expressive. He tells me I'm a kid, and he's an old man, and there's some truth to that!

 

He tells me he has so much fun with me, and he's starting to feel more comfortable laughing out loud, letting go, not worrying what other people think about him. At the same time, I just love how solid, practical, and responsible he is. He takes care of all the grown-up stuff and the details, so I get to just relax and have fun. And he loves doing it.

 

All signs for the future are good. He's starting to talk about taking a vacation together, we're making plans further out, figuring each other into longer-term plans and decisions. We're getting more comfortable and open with each other all the time.

 

My only concern is that I might mess things up with my insecurities. He's a total catch, and I really, really like him. I feel like deep down I'm scared this isn't going to last, so when something upsets me, I tend to get bratty and irrational. I feel like I'm testing him to see if he likes me enough to put up with my crap. But rationally, I know this is not good!

 

So far, he's put up with it. But recently, he's said: "You need to stop fighting with me," and "Why do we fight so much?" He also said, "Sometimes it seems like you're trying to get rid of me." We don't spend THAT much time arguing, but he HATES confrontation and avoids it if at all possible, so to him, any arguing is bad. He's almost always the peacemaker, and he never complains about anything between us. And when I'm upset, he's always coming toward me, being affectionate and caring, trying to resolve the problem.

 

I don't want to fight, either! When we're getting along well, we have a wonderful time and a fantastic connection. We're so happy.

 

I think the core issue is that I'm scared he doesn't like me enough - but when I look at the facts, they clearly show that he likes me a lot. My friends who have met him say he's obviously crazy about me. He had to move to another city a 6-hour drive away last month for work, and though the change was unpredictable, he's been great - totally rock solid and reliable, as always. We've seen each other every weekend, he texts and calls me and we talk for an hour or two every day we're not together, and he just keeps increasing the amount of time we get to spend together. This Friday, he's working remotely and coming to my city Thursday night so we get more time together.

 

Sometimes I'm able to communicate my concerns about things calmly and in a positive way, but other times, I just freeze up and get very self-protective and hostile.

 

Has anyone been in this situation? Any advice for how to just relax and enjoy?

 

 

I am a lot like you in a relationship, there is no way i could be in a relationship with someone who is like me.I need a grounded person to counteract my free spirit.I am impulsive and need someone strong enough to say nah not going to ride a llama in africa next week we have things to do .....or no we cant buy that camel we need to pay this first

 

i am exaggerating. I believe opposites attract because it is meant to be that way in a partnership if there is a balance of expression and conservatism, you have a well rounded relationship that can get through most trials because there is a place and time for everything, a time to dance a time to laugh to cry to be serious to be joyful and if two come together that have those opposing sides and dont argue like cat and dog....it can work....and be inspirational for both a chance for personal growth and development because each person learns something from the other....thats what life is always learning always growing.....

 

 

I am more relaxed actually with structure, or if my partner has structure i can rely that i am not going to kamikaze myself into a wall, i am single,lol because i have not met my other half the person who accepts me for me who can be strong enough to want to eb with me....i know i have a lot too bring to a relationship, i am creative in most aspects in my life.....i just need someone to hold my hand and keep me grounded and i will be happy.......free spirits crave the only thing they dont have.....roots......and anchors.......

 

You are so lucky i know you feel insecure but you now have your other half relax.....because you can,he does love you by what your post expresses you need to concentrate on the reasons why he does, you make him laugh you make him feel young when he feels like an old man, that he enjoys being your other half and handling the things that you dont, you bring a different aspect to your relationship that is needed and appreciated he respects you and is affectionate with you he loves you so when you are insecure remember these things or when you feel like fighting always bring in your mind all his positive traits realise yes, you do make mistakes and dont expect perfection from yourself mainly,sometimes you are probably too hard on yourself , free spirits actually seek perfection in beauty, that's why they are always seeking things out........so grow learn, enjoy your partner, be creative, bring that spark everyday to your relationship and you can see that beauty in your relationship of two people who were meant to compliment one another like salt compliments pepper ,sweet compliments sour, and spicy compliments creamy if you were the same it wouldnt be a contrast or a melting pot of happiness....ok im going getting hungry..im on a diet....best wishes.....deb

Edited October 31, 2012 by todreaminblue

[ThaWholigan]

Oh I'm sure he isn't the "best" he could get (and I kind of hate the idea of soul mates, or ranking potential mates anyway, so "best" is so subjective.) I meant that's how SHE sees it... she seems to see him as "best" and far outside her league. Since she's the one who feels this way, she may be putting rosy-colored glasses on the relationship (not saying it's a bad relationship, but no relationship is perfect) or putting the guy on a pedestal.

 

By also evoking him as "better," she is taking away permission from herself to be imperfect, human, emotional, whatever. She has to BE the best to GET the best. Know what I mean?

I understand you perfectly.

[dasein]

Have had so many that head this way and crash, so so many over the years. You have self-identified the problem, so have a really good chance of short-circuiting the response. Follow your own self-knowledge to the -thinking- conclusion no matter what you may -feel- in the moment. Good men are patient, generally, but there is a line past which her insecurity begins to resonate in us as disrespect and manipulation, and that's when the attraction begins to slide. Then it's the beginning of the end and a snowball results... more insecurity, more perceived disrespect and manipulation. It feeds itself and is really hard to stop that snowball rolling once it starts. You sound well in advance of that point, and have all the tools you need to avoid that unfortunate result. Good luck.

[Ruby Slippers]

Wow, a lot of thoughts here to consider.

 

As for him being controlling, I won't deny that he has a forceful personality and tends to influence others strongly - including me. The thing is, I'm the same way. But I feel like I do best with a man who's stronger and more forceful than I am, and he might be the first who really matches and even tops me there. I sometimes feel like I'm kind of this wild horse, and he's the patient guy calming me down. With weaker guys, I will just break loose and run away. I'm not saying this is a good way to be - but it is my tendency.

 

I was complaining about something minor the other night, and he said, "I can't be 10 of 10 all the time." That really got through to me, because I immediately realized I was expecting near perfection and not allowing much room for error. Weaker guys would get upset and try to prove themselves, handing all the power over to me. He's comfortable with himself, and didn't respond to the provocation. He just answered the complaint calmly and rationally, and compassionately. He quieted down my petty arguing with the simple truth.

 

Yes, I think he's very attractive in many ways, but in spite of my doubts and worries, rationally I don't think he's out of my league, and I think we're a good match. I think I've been very good about laying down clear boundaries and sticking to them. I admit I have felt the temptation to cater to him in some ways - and yes, sometimes he wins because he just takes the upper hand.

 

But I stand up for myself. When he commented that we're fighting too much, I said without any hostility, "Maybe we're just not a match." And he said if that's the case, what will happen next? I said we'll go our separate ways and be glad for the good times we had. He said no, he doesn't want to go a separate way.

 

We agree we don't want to fight. I think conflict is healthy and necessary - but there are productive ways to fight, versus destructive ways to fight. I'm trying to argue in as positive and productive way as possible. Some of my fighting has just been childish, and that's not productive. That tells me I'm going to some little kid place because I have an unresolved emotional issue, and that's something I need to figure out and improve on.

 

Also, more men are flirting with me and projecting all kinds of good energy at me than ever before in my life. So I don't worry about my ability to attract good men. Since I started dating again, I've been surprised by the quality of men I've been dating. I'm dating guys on a whole new level - mostly mature, solid guys who are ready for a serious, lasting relationship. It's just that he's the first who was a catch who I also felt a strong bond with and wanted to develop more of an emotional connection with. The others were great on paper and appealing in theory, but I just didn't feel that soul connection with them. I feel like I was supposed to meet this guy. And somehow I know that however long this lasts, I'll be very glad that I did.

 

I believe opposites attract because it is meant to be that way in a partnership if there is a balance of expression and conservatism, you have a well rounded relationship that can get through most trials because there is a place and time for everything, a time to dance a time to laugh to cry to be serious to be joyful and if two come together that have those opposing sides and dont argue like cat and dog....it can work....and be inspirational for both a chance for personal growth and development because each person learns something from the other....thats what life is always learning always growing.....

Yes. I do feel we have this lovely dynamic where he steps up when he's strongest and best-equipped, and I step up where I am, and it's always flowing back and forth.

 

i just need someone to hold my hand and keep me grounded and i will be happy.......free spirits crave the only thing they dont have.....roots......and anchors.......

YES. Yes yes yes. He is a total anchor. It's so reassuring, gives me a very safe feeling.

 

You are so lucky i know you feel insecure but you now have your other half relax.....because you can,he does love you by what your post expresses you need to concentrate on the reasons why he does, you make him laugh you make him feel young when he feels like an old man, that he enjoys being your other half and handling the things that you dont, you bring a different aspect to your relationship that is needed and appreciated he respects you and is affectionate with you he loves you so when you are insecure remember these things or when you feel like fighting always bring in your mind all his positive traits realise yes, you do make mistakes and dont expect perfection from yourself mainly,sometimes you are probably too hard on yourself , free spirits actually seek perfection in beauty, that's why they are always seeking things out........so grow learn, enjoy your partner, be creative, bring that spark everyday to your relationship and you can see that beauty in your relationship of two people who were meant to compliment one another like salt compliments pepper ,sweet compliments sour, and spicy compliments creamy if you were the same it wouldnt be a contrast or a melting pot of happiness....ok im going getting hungry..im on a diet....best wishes.....deb

Haha. I really love your posts. Honestly, I normally do not like reading free-flowing posts without punctuation, but yours always make perfect sense to me.

 

He's getting into town tomorrow, and I have a feeling it's going to be a good weekend. What I will focus on this weekend is being as open and communicative as always, but keeping it positive and productive.

[Frogwife]

I have followed all the posts related to this relationship (Free Spirit/Conservative) and this relationship sounds exhausting! I'm not someone who easily throws in the towel, but this seems A LOT of work with very little (if any) reward... my two unsolicited centimes...

[todreaminblue]

I have followed all the posts related to this relationship (Free Spirit/Conservative) and this relationship sounds exhausting! I'm not someone who easily throws in the towel, but this seems A LOT of work with very little (if any) reward... my two unsolicited centimes...

 

The greatest rewards come through hard work and effort......deb

[todreaminblue]

Wow, a lot of thoughts here to consider.

 

As for him being controlling, I won't deny that he has a forceful personality and tends to influence others strongly - including me. The thing is, I'm the same way. But I feel like I do best with a man who's stronger and more forceful than I am, and he might be the first who really matches and even tops me there. I sometimes feel like I'm kind of this wild horse, and he's the patient guy calming me down. With weaker guys, I will just break loose and run away. I'm not saying this is a good way to be - but it is my tendency.

 

I was complaining about something minor the other night, and he said, "I can't be 10 of 10 all the time." That really got through to me, because I immediately realized I was expecting near perfection and not allowing much room for error. Weaker guys would get upset and try to prove themselves, handing all the power over to me. He's comfortable with himself, and didn't respond to the provocation. He just answered the complaint calmly and rationally, and compassionately. He quieted down my petty arguing with the simple truth.

 

Yes, I think he's very attractive in many ways, but in spite of my doubts and worries, rationally I don't think he's out of my league, and I think we're a good match. I think I've been very good about laying down clear boundaries and sticking to them. I admit I have felt the temptation to cater to him in some ways - and yes, sometimes he wins because he just takes the upper hand.

 

But I stand up for myself. When he commented that we're fighting too much, I said without any hostility, "Maybe we're just not a match." And he said if that's the case, what will happen next? I said we'll go our separate ways and be glad for the good times we had. He said no, he doesn't want to go a separate way.

 

We agree we don't want to fight. I think conflict is healthy and necessary - but there are productive ways to fight, versus destructive ways to fight. I'm trying to argue in as positive and productive way as possible. Some of my fighting has just been childish, and that's not productive. That tells me I'm going to some little kid place because I have an unresolved emotional issue, and that's something I need to figure out and improve on.

 

Also, more men are flirting with me and projecting all kinds of good energy at me than ever before in my life. So I don't worry about my ability to attract good men. Since I started dating again, I've been surprised by the quality of men I've been dating. I'm dating guys on a whole new level - mostly mature, solid guys who are ready for a serious, lasting relationship. It's just that he's the first who was a catch who I also felt a strong bond with and wanted to develop more of an emotional connection with. The others were great on paper and appealing in theory, but I just didn't feel that soul connection with them. I feel like I was supposed to meet this guy. And somehow I know that however long this lasts, I'll be very glad that I did.

 

 

Yes. I do feel we have this lovely dynamic where he steps up when he's strongest and best-equipped, and I step up where I am, and it's always flowing back and forth.

 

 

YES. Yes yes yes. He is a total anchor. It's so reassuring, gives me a very safe feeling.

 

 

Haha. I really love your posts. Honestly, I normally do not like reading free-flowing posts without punctuation, but yours always make perfect sense to me.

 

He's getting into town tomorrow, and I have a feeling it's going to be a good weekend. What I will focus on this weekend is being as open and communicative as always, but keeping it positive and productive.

 

 

I know my posts are annoying I will try to punctuate. I am glad you get something out of them.

I think you will have fun this weekend with the guy who loves you and who you really do love in return.

 

Maybe it takes more effort, compromise and a little more understanding but love was not in any way meant to be complacent or half-hearted...opposites attract quite often and if balanced it can work...best wishes to ya......deb