sweetkiwi Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 i've been with my man for 7 months now. In the begining it was awesome. Kissing laughing having fun talking. Things changed. Two months ago, after i returned from a month and a half adventure in sicily, he was pulling away. Or maybe just settling in. He rarely kisses me with tongue. He doesn't make much of an effort to talk about things. He also barely speaks english but we do fine between english and italian. I've been giving it the benefit of the doubt and i know he's very busy with work, soccer, family, friends. He makes a lot of time for me. He cares about me. But its veering toward us being friends with benefits instead of bf/gf. So i thought maybe it was me. Maybe he's just not attracted to me in a passionate way anymore. So i started wearing high heels and dresses or skirts all the time. Always having makeup and hair done. Taking care of his every need. Still nothing. This approach was coupled with several conversations about how i need more intimacy and affection. Not even more! Just like it was! Barely anything changed. So i would say it again. And of course since i'm a woman who feels, i would cry. I just feel like the girlfriend who is always bitching about needing more and i hate it. Its so completely frustrating to me. And he won't open up as to why he's changed his view of me. He used to be crazy about me. Now he kisses me with these limp lips that have no love behind them. So i guess what i'm asking is, is this something we can come back from or is he just a dead fish once all the newness has gone?
Hawaii50 Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 I think it's a character trait, becoming the "dead-fish." No different than all the other ones we have and judge about a person.. But is it one you can deal with, or not, is the question you'll have to ask yourself eventually. Some people do cool off, sometime it takes till after being married, or kids, or the hectic life and over-full plate of life we dish ourselves.. I dunno. Sparks are just that, you had em', but it didn't start a fire. And as I mentioned about married, kids, life, it takes a lot on both sides to keep that fire roaring a lifetime. There are also going to be time when things dwindle, and hopefully couples can work through that, but so soon is a bit questionable. And no response is unacceptable. Did not think I was going to be able to be very objective. Edit: I'm sure other more experienced people with have more and better insight. 2
xdahliax Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 I sort of disagree with Hawaii. I don't think you should be in such a passionless relationship, life is too short. You've already tried to work it out be expressing your concerns, and yet nothing has changed. If you were married, I'd have another opinion. A lot of people here talk about settling, and this is a form of settling. You like this guy, but he isn't giving you what you need and he isn't making you happy. 3
veggirl Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 7 months still *is* the beginning, esp when you have spent 1 1/2 months of it apart. You have told him what you want / need in a relationship and he isn't giving it to you, what is there left to do? He isn't going to open as to why he is being like this because he doesn't want to deal with the conflict it will cause. He is probably hoping you just kinda go away so he doesn't have to break up with you.
Hawaii50 Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 I sort of disagree with Hawaii. I don't think you should be in such a passionless relationship, life is too short. You've already tried to work it out be expressing your concerns, and yet nothing has changed. If you were married, I'd have another opinion. A lot of people here talk about settling, and this is a form of settling. You like this guy, but he isn't giving you what you need and he isn't making you happy. Wasn't my opinion, silly .. just a presentation of facts and situations in relationships.. Me, though, I set **** on FIRE! I couldn't imagine being in a passionless relationship, or one without affection. Wouldn't do it, I know what I need and how much I need it- everything and a lot. 2
Author sweetkiwi Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 veggigirl- if he's just hoping i go away he's doing a bad job about it. We spend time together, he actually drives 30 minutes just to see me for a few hours. He's very sweet to me. If he wanted me gone i'd know it. Actually he's worried i'll go home to california. So thanks for your input but its really not that. I'd know exactly what to do in that case. He's told me he has a problem with communication. I understand and accept that. Even though i am an extremely open person. He is his own entity. But this problem is pretty big. I don't want to just walk away because its hard. If it was terrible, yeah i would. He's a great guy and i'm really into him. I have seen him open up more since we've been together. I just don't know how to wake him up. Make him see that his woman needs some lovin!!
Author sweetkiwi Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 i set **** on fire to hawaii50. You know how frustrating it is to have to hold back in fear of rejection or the limp noodle kiss. Ugh.
BetheButterfly Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 This approach was coupled with several conversations about how i need more intimacy and affection. Not even more! Just like it was! Barely anything changed. So i would say it again. And of course since i'm a woman who feels, i would cry. The above is a natural need for many people, both men and men. For example, both my husband and I need a TON of intimacy and affection, like we need air. it's a part of our chemical makeup. So, it's not at all "bitchy" that you express your need, as long as you aren't cursing or whining or insulting him while you do. It doesn't sound like you are having a "temper tantrum" though. I just feel like the girlfriend who is always bitching about needing more and i hate it. Ok, that's one big problem. There is no need to feel like you are the "girlfriend who is always bitching..." Why put yourself down by thinking you (insert that not nice word)? That speaks of self-esteem issues. Again, unless you are being mean or acting like a selfish baby, there is no reason to consider yourself "bitching." Bitching is just a mean word when used for people. So stop demeaning yourself!!! Its so completely frustrating to me. And he won't open up as to why he's changed his view of me. He used to be crazy about me. Now he kisses me with these limp lips that have no love behind them. So i guess what i'm asking is, is this something we can come back from or is he just a dead fish once all the newness has gone? It's hard to know what his problem is. Obviously, it's not your looks. You are a very beautiful lady. Sometimes, a couple is just not meant to be. Is that the reason? I have no idea. Maybe he's going through or doing something that he's not telling you. ? The following advice is of course what you can take or leave: 1. If not already, get involved in helping others. If you are already, help more. Strive to take the concentration off of yourself. This will help your state of mind (and others.) 2. It is possible he doesn't know what true love is. Sadly, not many people in the world do, which is why many can't keep a relationship healthy, beautiful, strong, and vibrant for very long. Some people get tricked into thinking that a strong feeling and rush of adrenaline is love, but it's not. Love is action, which is often (though not always) accompanied by euphoria. True love is also commitment to the well-being and joy of the person you love. It's putting the other person first, their needs before your own. Love is self-sacrifice because you are not thinking of yourself but of the other person. Maybe he doesn't understand that. Again, sad to say not many people do. I didn't understand that till relatively recently in my life and am thankful to have learned that though through experience. So, here you have two choices: A. Show him true love. See if he responds. B. Leave him. 3. Personally, I would advise having a kind (no cursing, insulting) heart-to-heart talk to him with the preparation that you leave... I am sorry to say that, but to me, I don't see ingredients for a loving and caring long-term relationship here. However, it's most definitely possible I'm wrong about that. It really depends on him and you. Are you both willing to give to each other? Are you both willing to make your relationship sparkle? With my husband and me, we both are willing and able and contribute to make our relationship awesome!!! Are you and him? Ask him that. Search your heart and see if you are. Maybe I'm wrong and you two do have what it takes (love for each other) to be a firework! I'm not crazy about Justin Bieber, but this song is great!!! About you, if you truly love him and he truly loves you, this song can speak to both of you. However, STOP with the calling yourself a mean insulting name. You're not bitching. It's NOT BAD at all to need intimacy and affection. It's a part of who you are and it's awesome! 1
Author sweetkiwi Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 *too it was full of passion. If we were alone we couldn't keep our hands off each other. If it wasn't like that i never would've been with him. I need a partner who enjoys intimacy as much as i do. Otherwise i'm doing all the work. The problem is he changed. I am actually more attractive now then when we first got together. So i really don't know what else except i'm not the shiny new plaything anymore. He's actually said it was more exciting in the begining. I waited a while to have sex with him and he wasn't used to that i guess. It was more exciting for me too. I had this sweet guy who was totally into me.
Hawaii50 Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 i set **** on fire to hawaii50. You know how frustrating it is to have to hold back in fear of rejection or the limp noodle kiss. Ugh. I do.. that's why i don't do it, that's why I don't put myself into situations where it's done... Not saying you knowingly did this, you're still dating essentially. But you can already see the future. Even if it stayed the same, it's not enough. What if it progresses? What if it happens in 10 yrs, after babies?! those are thoughts I have, and it's the reason I'll get a feel for a woman's sexuality way before having sex. Not being a very open person sexually is on par with being abusive or lazy. not having it, and no other characteristic can make up for that. just can't. It HAS happened to me. I've had dead fish, but I think my case she was a bit A-sexual, and faking the funk. 1
Hawaii50 Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 limp noodle kiss. Ugh. We differ on the meaning of this 1
Author sweetkiwi Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 saying i'm bitching is just a bad habit i haven't gotten rid of yet. Potty mouth. I know i don't feel like i'm being mean or demeaning at all. When i talk to him i try to keep an open mind. He just gets defensive and says, so i never kiss you? Complete failure. He's almost 5 years older than me and has a good family, no life problems other than the normal, what do i want from life. He's indecisive. A flip flopper. Which is why i'm sure he's with me as i enjoy taking the reins.
Hawaii50 Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 He's actually said it was more exciting in the begining. That is all you needed to know, unfortunately.
Hawaii50 Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 I don't understand how.. i dunno.. things should be escalating. but again, i think i'm slightly rare and occasionally get bashed on here for it. I like pda too. I want my hands on her constantly. why not. i dunno- i need a drink.
Author sweetkiwi Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 (edited) yeah i'm the same way. I love pda and being alone with my man all weekend chasing eachother around the house naked. No problem for me. Sex and intimacy is never a problem my exs have experienced with me. I don't want to have to **** a guy for a year just to see if he'll go cold fish on me. This isn't the first time i've had this problem. I'm not ugly, smelly, dull, bad in bed, or unavailable. I thought limp noodle kiss sounded familiar i honestly hate when he kisses me now. I don't want to be reminded of how he doesn't like it anymore. So frustrating. Thanks for the replys everyone. I know what i have to do. Edited October 31, 2012 by sweetkiwi 1
BetheButterfly Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 saying i'm bitching is just a bad habit i haven't gotten rid of yet. Potty mouth. I know i don't feel like i'm being mean or demeaning at all. When i talk to him i try to keep an open mind. He just gets defensive and says, so i never kiss you? It makes me sad when women demean themselves by calling themselves "bitch" or something like that. That's why I addressed that. I am glad you are not mean to him. However, don't be mean to yourself! Complete failure. He's almost 5 years older than me and has a good family, no life problems other than the normal, what do i want from life. He's indecisive. A flip flopper. Which is why i'm sure he's with me as i enjoy taking the reins.It is important to respect everybody as a human being, but it is really hard to respect that kind of man while in a relationship with him. When I was looking for a mate after my divorce, I found some flip floppers and it hurt me because I am not one. After learning the hard way, I looked for a strong and good man, a man who I knew was not a "flip flopper" and is very strong in making good decisions. Strong good men also tend to be very exciting because they know what is right from wrong, and they focus on what is right and go after it with all their hearts. That very much helps keep the relationship alive and thriving!!! A strong, good man who is looking for a wonderful lady to love works towards this goal with all his might, not just till he "gets" her, but even when he "has" her. So, I do think it's best for you to kindly let the guy you are dating and seek a guy who is strong and good and not a flip-flopper, if you are interested in a long-term relationship. Hopefully the flip-flopper will grow (strength can be gained if one tries) too. Again, it's awesome that you need intimacy and affection!!! There are strong, good men who do too!!! I hope you meet one who can truly love you and who you truly love, where the relationship sizzles more instead of fizzling out!!! 1
BetheButterfly Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 yeah i'm the same way. I love pda and being alone with my man all weekend chasing eachother around the house naked. No problem for me. Sex and intimacy is never a problem my exs have experienced with me. I don't want to have to **** a guy for a year just to see if he'll go cold fish on me. This isn't the first time i've had this problem. I'm not ugly, smelly, dull, bad in bed, or unavailable. I thought limp noodle kiss sounded familiar i honestly hate when he kisses me now. I don't want to be reminded of how he doesn't like it anymore. So frustrating. Thanks for the replys everyone. I know what i have to do. I love PDA too. Even though I do get a little anxious when my hubby and I are in a public places and his caresses turn a little too familiar. I have to spank his hand when he does that (I was raised in a very strict environment.) However, my hubby and I always hold hands or embrace each other and kiss, no matter where we are: the store, church, waiting in line for me to vote, and so on! Life is too short to not enjoy each and every second one can touching the one you love!!! 1
tman666 Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 Man, I don't care if it's been 7 months or 7 years... If the sense of intimacy is gone, what's the point? 3
Author sweetkiwi Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 thanks ladies and gentlemen. Its not all the intimacy. We hold hands, he plays with my hair, we cuddle, we fall asleep holding hands. Its the kissing. And his lack of desire to change. Thats a bigger problem then even the lame kisses.
coffeebean201 Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 Guys are actually remarkably social. So who is he comfortable talking to these days, sort of expressively, dynamically and extensively? Sounds like when you went away he had to replace you for a while, and now he hasn't switched back to making you his #1 conversation partner.
abouttoloseit Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 While you were away, did you call him and keep in contact with him? I only mention this myself as my current gf has gone away and we're having problems regarding communication. If all was perfect before you went away then something has obviously happened since you've been gone. If you have not kept in touch, or made him feel not very important this could be why. Or he may have done something, feels guilty about it and is showing the obvious signs ( Either way, try talk about it or be strong and tell him to hit the road. Guys get scared when girls show their "cajones!" Good luck. 1
Author sweetkiwi Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 thats why this whole situation is so confusing. He talks to me more than anyone else! He's shy. Thats okay. He still has friends and a life outside of me. He tries to incorporate me as much as he can. Which is a lot. I just feel like i am missing making out with my man!! When he's had a couple drinks he's all over me like he used to be. He's not in his own head then i guess. If this was all bad or even mostly bad i'd be done. Its not. He's a great guy. And we're learning a lot from each other, and we care a lot for each other. I just really think he's never experienced true love and doesn't know what it means.
pteromom Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 You aren't BITCHING. You are asking for what you want. And you are in a relationship with someone who is incompatible with you. I would lay it all out there - tell him what you want. You need passion in your life. You want him to kiss you with love. You want him to desire you. No need to just keep bitching. Tell him one time VERY CLEARLY, and let him know that if the relationship doesn't meet your needs, you will have no choice but to end it. Then, if he doesn't step it up, do it. 2
pteromom Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 I just really think he's never experienced true love and doesn't know what it means. OR - maybe true love means something different to him than it does to you. I am more like your bf. Sex and making out and such isn't a priority to me. I ENJOY when a relationship gets past the first stage of hotness and into the stage of comfortableness. Maybe he thinks he doesn't have to try so hard to convince you that he's into you now. I dunno. But you need to talk to him and find out. 1
BetheButterfly Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 thats why this whole situation is so confusing. He talks to me more than anyone else! He's shy. Thats okay. He still has friends and a life outside of me. He tries to incorporate me as much as he can. Which is a lot. I just feel like i am missing making out with my man!! When he's had a couple drinks he's all over me like he used to be. He's not in his own head then i guess. If this was all bad or even mostly bad i'd be done. Its not. He's a great guy. And we're learning a lot from each other, and we care a lot for each other. I just really think he's never experienced true love and doesn't know what it means. I personally don't think it's healthy for drinks to be what motivates "hands-on" because sex and love can flow naturally!!! I don't remember the last time I had alcohol, but my husband and I thoroughly enjoy making love almost everyday! Sex is natural and beautiful!!! If he's only all over you like he used to when he drinks, that is a serious red flag I think. It reminds me of the following song: (Yes, I adore Evanscence.) I agree with you; I don't think he knows how to truly love... or y'all are just not compatible. However, people can change... he maybe just doesn't know how to communicate and to strengthen and spark the passion back into y'alls relationship? I don't know. Talk to him though yeah be prepared to leave. I very much hope though that it works out between you two or that you find a good strong man who you do not doubt if he loves you and who loves PDA as much as you!!! That would be awesome!!! 1
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