ihavebeenfloated Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 So I'm mostly over the ex. You know, the big one. The one that leaves you crying and not sleeping and not eating for weeks. I've been doing the dating thing, and just haven't hit it off with anyone. Nothing bad, just nothing good. Until 3 weeks ago. I get a message on an online site from a girl that knows my ex. They aren't good friends or anything (I'd never heard of her during our relationship), and even though she's interested, she's hesitant because of the ex. We start messaging back and forth and there's obvious chemistry. I guess as much as there can be when the only contact is online. She agrees to go on an actual date. After the first 5 minutes of awkwardness, we really hit it off. Like we're both totally comfortable around each other (rare for both of us) and we get along great. There's no tension. There's physical chemistry. It's great. I ended up sleeping over, and things got a little more physical than I think both of us were expecting, but it just felt right. She texts me pretty much as soon as I leave thanking me for being "perfect and charming and great". Then we spent the next few days planning future dates, and just talking about how we both had such a great time. She got really open about how she had a really rough time growing up, which to me is the kind of conversation you have if you're expecting something serious. We were supposed to see each other again last week, but something came up with her family and she had to cancel. We rescheduled, but she had to cancel again because she went home cause of the hurricane. All this time the texting and talking was practically non-existent, which was a pretty big change since I was getting the "Good morning, thinking about you" texts for the first few mornings. Our date was rescheduled for today. I text her asking if we're still on. Her reply is basically "I picked up a shift at work tonight. I didn't want to do this over text, but I'm feeling overwhelmed and can't date right now. I don't want to string you along because you're great." Well, ****. I know I only saw the girl once, but it just really sucks because it's rare for me to feel that comfortable around someone. And it felt like we really hit it off. Like the exact opposite of bad/awkward/uncomfortable first dates. I probably shouldn't be feeling this upset. I don't know. It just really felt like this was going somewhere. Story of my life, I guess. This is like the third time I've gotten the "I can't do this right now"/"I don't want commitment"/"I'm not ready." etc line. "But you're really great". Really? Just ****ing tired of hearing it. Don't ****ing tell me how great I am and how you had such a good time, and talk about our ****ing "hypothetical relationship" if you're going to pull this ****. It just ****s me up that much more. I'm not feeling nearly this bad if I don't think this is going somewhere. Seriously. Sorry. Kind of need someone to talk to right now.
TopCat22 Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 I think women these days carry far too much emotional baggage. It's so difficult to find one that hasn't been screwed over and is capable of giving you her heart. It's a wonder the human race continues to survive as actually staying with someone long enough to start a family seems rarer and rarer. AS for this girl, well she changed her mind about you for some reason. Those lines are the typical "I like you, but not enough to have a relationship with you" excuse. I wouldn't worry she just wasn't the one for you. You have to sift through a lot of crap to find a diamond...
Author ihavebeenfloated Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 I get being scared, and I don't like the "all women suck" philosophy. My whole thing is, don't string me along and tell me how great I am and how you can see us being in a relationship if you're going to pull this. You don't want anything serious? Fine. Tell me that before I get emotionally invested. You're not into me? Awesome. I get over it a lot faster if you don't tell me the exact opposite. 1
River Rain Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 I get being scared, and I don't like the "all women suck" philosophy. My whole thing is, don't string me along and tell me how great I am and how you can see us being in a relationship if you're going to pull this. You don't want anything serious? Fine. Tell me that before I get emotionally invested. You're not into me? Awesome. I get over it a lot faster if you don't tell me the exact opposite. Maybe you were a rebound for her, did she recently break up with someone? Or maybe her friend found out and she's being loyal. In any case, she took her time to finally be honest with you, at least you got that. I got that three times in the last few months from guys "I like you, you're so nice, but I'm not ready for a relationship right now, you'll make some lucky guy really happy one day"...geez thanks. So, I appreciate you saying you don't like the "all women suck" philosophy, because it applies to both genders. 2
TopCat22 Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 All women do not suck, there are some great girls out there. However they very rarely tell you what they are thinking and in a lot of cases say the exact opposite of what they mean. Why they do this I've no idea but it creates situations just like the one you find yourself in. Actions count not words.
TopCat22 Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 Monica you are exactly right, "people". I sometimes wonder if the world was a happier place when marriages were essentially arranged. I doubt it, but I'm not sure that free dating has really made things any easier for us...
River Rain Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 All women do not suck, there are some great girls out there. However they very rarely tell you what they are thinking and in a lot of cases say the exact opposite of what they mean. Why they do this I've no idea but it creates situations just like the one you find yourself in. Actions count not words. Actions always speak louder than words definitely, and again, both genders have trouble honestly telling the other what they think. It all depends on the person, not the gender. I'm a woman who will tell you what I think, whether it's brutal or loving. I hate playing games, but to find a mate who doesn't play games either can be difficult. People are too afraid and insecure, which is natural, nobody wants their heart broken. But to cancel dates and make up excuses, only to quickly dump someone, even after one date, isn't very considerate.
River Rain Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 There's also almost as much on the paradox of choice (the more options you have, the more likely you are to find yourself unable to choose or choosing badly). The evidence seems to suggest that when we're left to our own devices, we're pretty frickin' stupid. I completely agree with this! You should see me in the cereal aisle. 2
Author ihavebeenfloated Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 After the breakup text (which sounds ridiculous since it was one date) I replied saying I was trying to pressure her, and that if she was being genuine, I wouldn't mind dating again when she's ready. This was stupid. I realize that. So before I do something even more stupid, I should just delete her number right? Texting her asking if she was being honest or just ****ing with me the entire time would be a decidedly stupid idea right? It's pretty insane that I'm this hurt. Like, seriously.
River Rain Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 After the breakup text (which sounds ridiculous since it was one date) I replied saying I was trying to pressure her, and that if she was being genuine, I wouldn't mind dating again when she's ready. This was stupid. I realize that. So before I do something even more stupid, I should just delete her number right? Texting her asking if she was being honest or just ****ing with me the entire time would be a decidedly stupid idea right? It's pretty insane that I'm this hurt. Like, seriously. You didn't do anything stupid. And it's not insane that you feel hurt. You liked her, you got along, you saw potential. Don't text her again, it'll just make things worse because she probably won't reply and it'll leave you even more hurt. 1
Author ihavebeenfloated Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 Maybe you were a rebound for her, did she recently break up with someone? Or maybe her friend found out and she's being loyal. In any case, she took her time to finally be honest with you, at least you got that. I got that three times in the last few months from guys "I like you, you're so nice, but I'm not ready for a relationship right now, you'll make some lucky guy really happy one day"...geez thanks. So, I appreciate you saying you don't like the "all women suck" philosophy, because it applies to both genders. Not even sure if she was being honest. At any point. I just wish she wouldn't have lead me to believe we were on the path to becoming something really serious if she was even remotely feeling this way. That way I don't get so emotionally invested.
River Rain Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 Not even sure if she was being honest. At any point. I just wish she wouldn't have lead me to believe we were on the path to becoming something really serious if she was even remotely feeling this way. That way I don't get so emotionally invested. I feel the same way, a guy did that to me a few weeks back and I was really starting to like him, I got hurt too. Unfortunately it's hit and miss when it comes to dating. You can't give up hope though, you just have to keep trying until you meet someone who is genuine. They are out there. Maybe next time, slow it down more, like...don't sleep over and get too physical after the first date.
Author ihavebeenfloated Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 I feel the same way, a guy did that to me a few weeks back and I was really starting to like him, I got hurt too. Unfortunately it's hit and miss when it comes to dating. You can't give up hope though, you just have to keep trying until you meet someone who is genuine. They are out there. Maybe next time, slow it down more, like...don't sleep over and get too physical after the first date. That's the thing though. I usually don't do that. And I'm pretty against sex on the first date too. It just happened. And felt right for both of us. I might get emotionally attached a bit too fast, but I can't help that. If I really like someone, and they tell me they feel the same, it just happens. I'm very much aware that basically all of my problems are my own fault.
TopCat22 Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 You know TopCat22 there's a ton of evidence that suggests that arranged marriages are as stable/happy/loving, if not more moreso, than those in which "love" is the reason for their occurrence. There is a ton of literature on the subject. There's also almost as much on the paradox of choice (the more options you have, the more likely you are to find yourself unable to choose or choosing badly). The evidence seems to suggest that when we're left to our own devices, we're pretty frickin' stupid. You, on the other hand, are probably wiser than you realize. You didn't need any fancy pants PhD to tell what's up. I think there's some truth in that. I remember my Mum saying that in her day they never had the vast array of food in supermarkets that they do now and how it was so much easier to plan a meal as you only had the choice of a few things. You didn't know any different. Now you can stand in the supermarket for hours trying to decide what you want! The ease at which a relationship can be cast aside has made us invest less in them as a whole in my opinion. It's why even people who have been together for 5+ years can find themselves alone through a simple change of heart. I guess working on things is too much trouble for people now. I'm not saying we should stay in an unhappy relationship just because but it seems so easy to enter into and exit a rs now. Maybe I am wiser than I know!
River Rain Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 That's the thing though. I usually don't do that. And I'm pretty against sex on the first date too. It just happened. And felt right for both of us. I might get emotionally attached a bit too fast, but I can't help that. If I really like someone, and they tell me they feel the same, it just happens. I'm very much aware that basically all of my problems are my own fault. For me, when sex/physical is involved, I get even more emotionally attached. So what I'm saying is to slow it down so that this kind of thing doesn't impact you so much the next time it may happen, and hopefully it won't happen again. It's not 100% your fault, she led you on.
Chi townD Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 Okay, so it was only one date. And it kinda sucks because you were starting to get into her. But, she stating the the timing isn't right for her. Okay..fine. BUT!!!! You have to take the positive away from this experience. There is life after our Ex's. You took a girl out and the both of you had an amazing time. Girls are and CAN be interested in you. YOU STILL GOT IT!! You still can spark a girls interest. You still have the ability to wine and dine a girl and show her a good time. You still can show respect in a meaningful interaction with a girl. You might feel a little down right now, but you are DEFINATELY not out! 1
Author ihavebeenfloated Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 Okay, so it was only one date. And it kinda sucks because you were starting to get into her. But, she stating the the timing isn't right for her. Okay..fine. BUT!!!! You have to take the positive away from this experience. There is life after our Ex's. You took a girl out and the both of you had an amazing time. Girls are and CAN be interested in you. YOU STILL GOT IT!! You still can spark a girls interest. You still have the ability to wine and dine a girl and show her a good time. You still can show respect in a meaningful interaction with a girl. You might feel a little down right now, but you are DEFINATELY not out! Yeah. I would have liked more than one date's worth of good feeling before more heartbreak, but it's something. Although I'm still not convinced she wasn't screwing with me the entire time. Google the D.E.N.N.I.S. system to see what I mean.
Author ihavebeenfloated Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 No, just laughing at myself and the situation, really. Do I think she was being genuine the entire time? Couldn't tell you. Cynical, jaded me would say no. I'd like to think it was real though. Either way, it wasn't that dramatic or anything. Just helps to laugh at myself sometimes. It's not like her being honest or not really matters anyway. Which is why I made the smart decision and didn't text her venting/pleading/questioning what happened.
Tree_Salmon Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 So I'm mostly over the ex. You know, the big one. The one that leaves you crying and not sleeping and not eating for weeks. I've been doing the dating thing, and just haven't hit it off with anyone. Nothing bad, just nothing good. Until 3 weeks ago. I get a message on an online site from a girl that knows my ex. They aren't good friends or anything (I'd never heard of her during our relationship), and even though she's interested, she's hesitant because of the ex. We start messaging back and forth and there's obvious chemistry. I guess as much as there can be when the only contact is online. She agrees to go on an actual date. After the first 5 minutes of awkwardness, we really hit it off. Like we're both totally comfortable around each other (rare for both of us) and we get along great. There's no tension. There's physical chemistry. It's great. I ended up sleeping over, and things got a little more physical than I think both of us were expecting, but it just felt right. She texts me pretty much as soon as I leave thanking me for being "perfect and charming and great". Then we spent the next few days planning future dates, and just talking about how we both had such a great time. She got really open about how she had a really rough time growing up, which to me is the kind of conversation you have if you're expecting something serious. We were supposed to see each other again last week, but something came up with her family and she had to cancel. We rescheduled, but she had to cancel again because she went home cause of the hurricane. All this time the texting and talking was practically non-existent, which was a pretty big change since I was getting the "Good morning, thinking about you" texts for the first few mornings. Our date was rescheduled for today. I text her asking if we're still on. Her reply is basically "I picked up a shift at work tonight. I didn't want to do this over text, but I'm feeling overwhelmed and can't date right now. I don't want to string you along because you're great." Well, ****. I know I only saw the girl once, but it just really sucks because it's rare for me to feel that comfortable around someone. And it felt like we really hit it off. Like the exact opposite of bad/awkward/uncomfortable first dates. I probably shouldn't be feeling this upset. I don't know. It just really felt like this was going somewhere. Story of my life, I guess. This is like the third time I've gotten the "I can't do this right now"/"I don't want commitment"/"I'm not ready." etc line. "But you're really great". Really? Just ****ing tired of hearing it. Don't ****ing tell me how great I am and how you had such a good time, and talk about our ****ing "hypothetical relationship" if you're going to pull this ****. It just ****s me up that much more. I'm not feeling nearly this bad if I don't think this is going somewhere. Seriously. Sorry. Kind of need someone to talk to right now. Sounds like you were too available. Maybe she was a bit overwhelmed by the speed in which you were moving. In any case, you should have backed off after the first time she canceled the date. No matter what they say, its always a sign of loss of interest. Move on. She wasn't worth dating.
Frank13 Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 I think you were too nice to her, as you can see by the many messages posted on here by women who can't get over the guy who treated them like crap. Since you have nothing to lose, and for fun, send her an email or text telling her you are glad she broke it off so you didn't have to. That her personality isn't very good and you are looking for someoen who is actually attractive. Then watch the sparks fly.
Author ihavebeenfloated Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 Sounds like you were too available. Maybe she was a bit overwhelmed by the speed in which you were moving. In any case, you should have backed off after the first time she canceled the date. No matter what they say, its always a sign of loss of interest. Move on. She wasn't worth dating. Maybe. I can get too emotional sometimes, but only when I know the other person feels the same. Thought that was the case here, but obviously it wasn't. The friends that I've talked to said the same after the first date. I tend to be too trusting sometimes.
Author ihavebeenfloated Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 Dude... It's one freaking date. You think, act and treat dating like it's a job. Chill out, quit trying to rush / force someone into a relationship, quite being so serious, you talk and "explain" yourself way to much, quit trying to have them tell your their issues, concerns, flaws and problems. Learn how to have fun, enjoy getting to know someone and show them a good time! Do you actually think after one date... a girl telling you about her troubled childhood and going through those painful thoughts, feelings and memories is a good thing? Have you ever considered wanting a girl to think how much fun you are, how funny you are, how good you make them feel, how much they look forward to talking you, enjoying talking to you, etc? Also, don't map out and share your game plan for how you two are going date, be in a relationship, etc. It's not attractive and you come across as needy and desperate. Just like you found out, how do you know if you like her, she likes you after one date? You leave NOTHING to the imagination and kill the best part of meeting and dating someone new. Which is... The mystery, wonder, uncertainty, nervous, unsure, questions, doubt, intrigue, hope, excitement, unknown, anticipation, second guessing, etc. Yeah. But it wasn't ME forcing all of those things. I didn't force wanting a relationship on her. I didn't force or pry to get her to open up. It wasn't just those things. After the first date, like right after, she was telling me how great she thought I was. How comfortable she felt around me. That she was dying to see me again. It was fun. Everything was mutual. I'm not one to put myself out there as much as I did unless I know I'm not getting shot down. With everything I got from her (again, not me forcing anything), I felt safe in opening up. In seeing a future (not like years in the future, but many more dates) with this girl. Treating it like a job? Really? How's mystery, uncertainty, nervousness and doubt the best part of meeting someone new? The best part of meeting someone new is when you do meet someone new, and there's NONE of that. When there's chemistry and you're not walking on egg shells the entire time. When you aren't nervous or scared and you can just be yourself. Yeah, it blew up in my face this time, but like I said before, I don't get that open and emotionally invested if she doesn't do the same. I'm not that bad.
blotter Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 Wow bro this is on you. Who puts in so much emotional investment after one date? Not healthy, not healthy at all.
Tree_Salmon Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 Mutual as in, you said it all back to her, right? There is no putting yourself out there. Just date, have fun and enjoy getting to know someone. How can you have an output in mind with someone you don't know? Instead of opening up to her. Try asking her out instead. Wait until your date and continue to get to know each other. First, you know that women are typically emotional, right? Let me guess, you are one of those "Nice" Guys who thinks making a woman or having a woman mad or angry with you, is always a bad thing, right? You are so caught up and consumed with wanting / needing / chasing "labels" (dating, relationship, serious, committed, this is going someone where, etc.) that you end up treating dating like it's a job. You take all the joy / fun / excitement / build up / mystery / uncertainty / nervousness / doubts / intrigue / etc. out of it for yourself and the other person. You are right, all the Disney and Romantic Comedies women seem to love... It's like what you just said. If you think that, you are clueless and a total bore. Be a Man and you will not walk on egg shells. I ask them out, I pursue, have fun, enjoy getting to know someone, show them a good time, let things happen normally, have my own thing going on, don't worship or make women my God, etc. How can I get twisted up in a pretzel over that? I either like them or I don't... If they aren't any fun, I am not enjoying myself, they are rushing / forcing things, acting desperate or needy, throw themselves at me, etc... I'm not going to find that attractive and it will work against them. Do you think, women do not work the same way? You do realize, women are dating you to see if they like you or not too, right? You have self-esteem, self-worth and confidence issues so you always walk around nervous and scared. This chick saw / smelled it from a mile away. On top of that, you have no concept or believe in the "Laws of Attraction". This is why she isn't interested. In your world, do you really think women are more attracted to someone like Ross (from the TV show Friends) over someone like James Bond or The Gladiator? How about you get emotionally invested when it's the right time. After one date, it's NEVER the right time. haha! I love this guy. You always put into words what I'm too lazy to write. It's all true. The OP sounds like a pussy and he got a decent girl a little excited and then ruined it with bluberring like a little vagina. Sorry guy, but that's what it is. Weve all done it at some point in our lives. The key is to stop doing it and treat dating for what it is, a dance in which you both try to f**k eachother. And once you do, you have to make it exciting until the next time you f**k.
Tree_Salmon Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 I don't even get how people get emotionally super invested after a few months. I see it on here all the time "3 month relationship and I cant move on months after the breakup" wtf? seriously? c'mon people, get some self worth. Don't take anything seriously until after at least a year. This is why women in this country keep dumping dudes all the time. Boring as f**k.
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