Reconciling, but how do I know I'm not just the fallback

[tornandconfused12]

I doubt you are the fallback here. If she is the hot mess you describe her as, then no man in his right mind would want that on any permanent basis. She probably threw herself at him and he obliged destroying and betraying your marriage in the process. Apparently, some guys are capable of this type of thing. It is an awful waste of a good marriage for a few minutes of sex, but some guys will do it. I'm sorry that you are going through this. It is a tragedy that none of us ever expect.

 

Yes, it's been tough for sure. She is a definite train wreck and that's how she's been described by those whose lives she's touched. She's even described herself that way. I feel bad for her ex-fiance'.....my marriage has major problems because of this but with all he's found out about her, ugh. I talk to him here and there and I know he's really struggling. He's having the roughest time with now knowing she screwed around with his cousin, in addition to everyone else.

 

My H does seem to be contrite, guilty, and now really working on things. I'm just trying to take it a day at a time and still nervous about jumping back in with both feet. It's nerve wracking, to say the least.

[tornandconfused12]

torn..if you read about the trainwrecks here, there is no real way of knowing since affairs are all about lying and deception as a basis, and most likely you are the fallback. Sorry.

 

I have definitely had concerns about this, hence why I started the thread. Anymore I'm thinking it is either impossible to ever really know (and I very well could be the fallback) or I'm not......cannot get inside his head. For now I'm just taking it a day at a time and watching what happens. All I can do.

[tornandconfused12]

My ex was a serial cheater. I had to leave him but not before I came to understand that it was never about ME compared to OW. It wasn't as if in his mind he was choosing OW over or instead of me. He was choosing infidelity for sure. It wasn't about me, it was even less about OW. It was ALL about infidelity.

 

Although your husband is not a serial cheater, it still sounds like he made the mistake of choosing infidelity over or instead of marriage. That has nothing to do with choosing OW over YOU.

 

If you were competing with anything ...it was his own need or want or selfishness.

 

Reconciliation is going to have to include this understanding because your spouse and the marriage have to come first all of the time...even before yourself.

 

Id have a hard time with them still working together and not speaking to her myself.

 

The bolded part really resonates with me and has been a common thread in my own thought process about this all along. I believe some of it stems from feeling pushed into the background, behind all of the stressful events that have gone on in the last 1.5 years. He's partially right but it wasn't something I set out to do.....which is another thing I struggle with in thinking about.

 

Like I'm sure most people would react, my dad's very sudden death about a year ago threw me for a huge loop, also had to handle his complicated estate. Also have been dealing with the empty nest issue....our youngest has moved out on his own and the two older ones moved out last year, our oldest moved a couple states away, middle kid joined the military (we're very proud of him but the situation is scary given what's going on).....there's just been a lot of stress and neither of us dealt with it well.

 

Yes, the working together issue is definitely not a good one either.

[MourningLosses]

I hear you. I can never understand how my friends wife gave him another chance. I think she just didn't want to be alone. I guess I can understand that to a point, but not given what he did to her. Coming to her bed, sleeping with her after being with me for hours, it's disgusting. How could someone not feel they were worth more than that?

 

As for being second best, well he stayed with you so you are his choice. No reason to be insecure, to me it's more about why would you want him?

 

I guess though if she knew the truth she would know he said thigs to me he never said to her, that kind of thing. So not being second choice in the end, is that enough after being second choice for however long?

[beenburned]

T&C,

 

You seem to have a smart head on your shoulders!(you analyze things logically instead of letting your emotions overtake the thought process)

 

This is one characteristic that is necessary to a successful reconciliation. You have to be able to step back and look at the big picture.( not just now, but toward the future)

 

There are many stages we go through as we heal. You can't rush it, as much as you would like to. Experts on the subject suggest 2-5 years is normal.

 

But always be aware it takes BOTH spouses to want and work at this for the long haul. If your spouse is still lying ,or trying to fake their way out of this, it will eventually come out.

 

Even the best BS's have triggers and meltdowns to deal with!

 

Hold your head high, you are on the right path!

 

ML,

 

All cheaters are double dippers , if they still have sex with their spouses. It is a common occurrence and the reason it is called adultery.

 

All cheaters are also habitual liars to get what they want. They lie to both the OW/OM and the W/H. Sometimes it is years later before all the details of the extent of all the lies comes out.

[Anoidtoo]

Hi Torn and confused,

I've just joined this forum as I myself I'm going through a similar issue. My problem started many years ago and at least around 4 years into our marriage. I was too naive to realize that something was not alright. My wife and I have been very close and so in love,we have two lovely children. There was never any arguments between us.. everyone one sees us as a perfect couple. In her line of employment (Medical) she does attend medical conferences around the country and at times overseas but for sure no reason to have to pick anyone at the airport. I did not see or thought of any red flag back then when that day she told me:

 

Tomorrow I need to pick up "someone" at the airport and that same day she had a work function to attend. That night she got back home past 11pm and had a thorough long shower. She usually take her function clothes with her to work and shower there ( clue number 1)!! (And besides that, who would have been that "someone" unless it's someone she's very close to she had to pick up at the airport !)

 

She thought I was fast asleep, I felt a weird pressure in my chest that something was not right. I did not say anything, she came to bed and fell asleep within minutes.. As soon as I noticed she had started snoring and in a deep sleep, I got up and went straight to her handbag and something urged me to check her mini phone book.

 

I went to the toilet and sat there perusing it... aside of all the family members and close friends contacts i was aware of, I came across this man's contact from Sydney with his mobile number, home number and address... I thought well this is not good as we've never hidden anything from each other before.

 

The next day after work, during dinner time we talked and I asked her about that contact.. of course she had her convincing excuses and I never expected her to tell me the truth, I just wanted her to know that I was aware of it. I should have copied down that guy's contact, because the very next day she got rid of it (clue number 2). This was my confirmation that she was up to something.

For unknown reasons, I left things as is and proceed with our family routing ( the beginning of faking happiness). She did not do anything out of the norm to arouse my suspicion thereafter (what I'd like to believe). She would always be home on time from work and never had any excuses that would alert me.

 

Having worked at the same hospital for 18yrs,she attends Medical functions where she gets to meet Reps, both men and women trying to promote their Medical products. She says;often at those Medical functions, Reps would entertain the hospital staff buying them drinks,meals etc., to get into their good books so that they can motivate them to buy their products.

 

My wife is a very attractive woman, she's tall with thick long blond hair and with a great body and was around her early 20's. It is quite obvious one of those male Reps had eyes on her and had worked his way to her heart getting her to see it as just platonic friendship. It might have been that this Rep was popular around the hospital she works at and for unknown reason she had this guy's complete contact in her personal diary. (not an appropriate thing to do as business contacts should be kept in one's work database).

 

At one stage, she came home after work with an expensive perfume (clue 3) she did not bother telling me where she got it from as we both know she couldn't have spent that much money as we had a large mortgage and other bills to pay. It's those little things that keep coming up on my mind.

 

Whether she was aware or not that this guy may have had it in for her, I get the feeling that she may now be living with remorse and regretting why she let herself go and get lured into having out of wedlock sex with a stranger damaging her marriage and relationship that has altered beyond repair.

 

We stayed together firstly because of our two children and secondly because of her Mum & Dad who are strict Christian believers that the first marriage is the ultimate. I was also her first lover (never had sex with another man) and coming from a strict christian background having sex before marriage was a no no.

 

After all those years I'm still hurt, confused, frustrated and bitter. I think she prayed that I never get to know what really happened back then and or that she wouldn't do something like that!! Once one has savoured the forbidden fruit, will always be a cheater.

I was never a jealous, possessive or inquisitive type. I was always humorous and never took anything seriously. She's now created a silent venomous person.

 

This coming December, we'll be celebrating our 25years wedding anniversary and for the past 20 odd years it's been a roller coaster for both of us I'm sure. By not admitting to adultery she's protecting her reputation, her status and her family that she does not want to hurt in case I decide to walk out on her. A decision, I'd say we both subconsciously put up with living a clear "fake married life".

 

The number of times when I've felt pretty good verses those times where I've felt down the drain are limited. We make love and most of the time it's just an action to relieve myself and she's just there as a vessel (feels like I'm doing it to a prostitute)...

 

Sad as it may sound, she initiated this and other times when we have a little disagreement she confesses that she's so scared that I may leave her and she'd have to face her strict family (clue number 4), why would she be worried about me leaving her?). I told her so be it, I have no problem with it and that scares her even more.

 

It's possible that many women are not aware that when a man is being so nice, understanding, showing empathy, sympathy and a good listener, it then leads to ensure calmness, relax, trust building confidence until the right time so she'll agree to sex.

 

It is also possible that there are many women out there that are just as horny as many men craving for sex with other guys and wanting to experience being screwed by another guy.

 

I can believe that my wife may have got carried away under alcohol influence as only two glasses of wine is enough to tip her over. She may have confessed to prying ears how a couple of drinks will easily tip her over and this would have been music to any guy's ear!!

And guys like that will have no problem reassuring targeted women that their secret affair will be very safe with them and no harm done to their marriage.( a disgusted reason for a married woman to be involve herself into).

 

At this point in time, this is all SPECULATION AS SHE HAS NEVER ever ADMITTED TO ANYTHING, something many would do to avoid confrontation and risk losing what's most precious to them not realizing it does not take much for your better half to figure things out.. (one's gut feeling is not to be avoided) and deep down inside knowing that one way or the other the relationship is doomed. My only clues are what I've been observing over the years based on touchy conversations and even nowadays when we hear anecdotes in similar genre whether in person or on TV, I purposely stimulate about how stupid many women are to fall for those type of guys who befriend and work them up to get between their legs and then dump them thereafter.(clue number 5) Her comments and reaction confirm to me that she is living through remorse and hatred for being abused... well this I cannot help.. I've been suffering in silence too.

 

At this point in time, there's no moving on for either of us...our darling children are 23 and 21 now... they are more or less aware of little issues but we do our best to maintain a positive atmosphere around our families, friends and acquaintances (very fake but achievable).

 

The trust has been destroyed for good, the real love I had for her is out the window. No marriage counsellor can ever restore or mend what we had at the beginning of our married life.

 

I firmly believe once any party in a marriage stray, the damage is done and it can never ever be mended 100%.. It is like a deep wound, it heals but the scarred tissue will always be visible and there to remind one how painful it was.

 

How we chose to deal with it is up to each individual. I show her gratitude for being a good mother, I show her affection (not love) in a weird way but not as intense and well meant as I used too and sadly, I have sex with her to fulfil my need.

 

Whether she enjoys it or not, I wouldn't have a clue as I've lost the urge to explore and please her as I used to do. For every time I see her naked, I visualize the other guy on top of her.. it puts me off completely!!

 

Is it right to have lived life this way, is it right to believe she may have cheated and never will admit(clue number 6) she keeps quiet and avoid confrontation...... the confusion is that I've got so used to it, I do not know how to gauge real happiness or fake happiness because when we are among families, friends and acquaintances everything seems to be alright, however, I've noticed how she'd stared at me when I'm around other women being humorous and laughing (something we used to do together, of which has declined rapidly), she appears lost and hurt but never says anything (clue number 7). Is she dealing with her guilt?

 

I've learrned to adjust and cope with my present lifestyle. It has not been easy.... everyday comes and goes with no expectation.

 

Maybe if she had been honest enough in the first place to tell me the truth I may have dealt with the blow then figure out what would be best for our children in a calm humanitarian way. Maybe she kept lying so she'd protect her children and her marriage.

 

it is still my right to know and no one deserves to be treated this way especially from a woman who thinks she can lie to her man and believing that I'd never figure it out. Two can play at this game... I prefer to play my game the way I've been treating her for the past 20years and I'm sure she feels the difference.

 

 

The intense love i had for her her once is now tarnished forever.. this is why every now and then I relive and visualize this but now I tell myself that I'm the most important person here.. I'm above her and she's really not that important anymore rather good enough for my needs.

 

The option was to: sell and move our separate ways, she panics and would not hear of it. We have a large mortgage and she's OK with paying most bills, so be it.

 

Makes one wonders, how many more people like me in this universe are living like I do and getting on with it!!!!! Peace be with you ...

[tornandconfused12]

I hear you. I can never understand how my friends wife gave him another chance. I think she just didn't want to be alone. I guess I can understand that to a point, but not given what he did to her. Coming to her bed, sleeping with her after being with me for hours, it's disgusting. How could someone not feel they were worth more than that?

 

As for being second best, well he stayed with you so you are his choice. No reason to be insecure, to me it's more about why would you want him?

 

I guess though if she knew the truth she would know he said thigs to me he never said to her, that kind of thing. So not being second choice in the end, is that enough after being second choice for however long?

 

Not sure I know your story and not trying to be rude but what jumps out at me from your comments is.....doesn't the disgusting bit go both ways? He could have been with his wife and then with you afterwards. Maybe I misread or misinterpreted what you said. If so, I apologize in advance.

 

I've read a lot here about OW and OM stating their AP's said and did things with them they never did with their BS's - how is it anyone knows that for truth? If a person will lie to their spouse - basically if a person will lie to whomever to get what they want - what gives the liar a reason to not lie to their AP? That is, generally speaking. I know my husband lied to his AP and I know he lied to me. He's just one person but somehow I don't think he's atypical in this scenario. One of the main aspects of affairs is deceit and unless the AP is just in it for sex and cares nothing about anything else that could be involved (the AP wanting more, wanting the MM/MW to divorce, etc), I would assume most WS's do their fair share of lying to everyone involved; again, generally speaking as there could be a few out there with unique situations, don't want to offend.

 

I know you mentioned it regarding someone else but I have no fears whatsoever about being alone nor any other pitiful situation a BS might be cast into. No offense but your comments about the BS you described sound a bit condescending. Forgive me if I happened to read into that incorrectly.

 

I have over 20 years of my life invested with the father of my children and he is the person I want to be with despite what has happened. I am choosing to stay with him, not shaking in my boots about what life might be like without him. I am fully prepared emotionally and financially to walk away from him right now if I chose to and would not look back. I have plenty of self worth and enough to make choices based upon what I want, not out of fear. That said, the situation I chose to remain in would inherently generate questions in my mind, as I believe it would for anyone in my shoes.

[tornandconfused12]

You should turn the whole thing around.

 

He's your fallback person now.

 

Divorce should be laid out as your primary option to him, unless he shapes up big time.

 

And you need to make that very clear to him.

 

If he doesn't like being the secondary choice to getting divorced, well....he made that decision without you already, didn't he?

 

Don't give him the power of ever feeling that you're his fallback option.

 

Thanks, DS. He is fully aware the only other primary option to working things out is getting a divorce. I've been very forthright about that. I have divorce papers already put together in the case things do not work out.