Reconciling, but how do I know I'm not just the fallback

[tornandconfused12]

As explained in my other posts, my husband had a short-term affair with a coworker and we're working on reconciling.

 

If the BS and WS decide to reconcile, how does a BS know they aren't just the second choice, the fallback person? How am I supposed to know if my husband is still here because he wants to be or because his AP wasn't interested in anything more than a fling and not only with him? How does anyone know in this situation?

 

What I'm seeing is two people who made such an effort to lie and sneak around to be able to spend time together. If they wanted each other so badly then, what the h**l is so different now? He's explained to me what is different in his mind but on many days no amount of explanation or action seems to be enough for me. Right now I figure if the %&^$%^^ was so d*mn intriguing to him, why didn't he just run off with her and live happily ever after (lol).

 

How and when does a BS stop obsessing over all of this? I feel like a hamster running on one of those wheels. The thoughts are a never ending loop in my mind sometimes.

 

I HATE the fact I obsess over this and many other aspects of what took place. There are many times I can't stop thinking about it and it's really frustrating

[seren]

Hi TC,

I am not too sure how far along you are in reconciling, but it sounds like what you are feeling is par for the course for most BS. The, if it was so dammed good, if it was so dammed important then why are you even here? Questions I am sure most of us have asked. If not aloud then to ourselves, many, many times. I reckon it's because for some of us the reason to have an A must mean the WS and OW are in love, that the A was the whole hearts, flowers and romantic meals type of relationship and while some are, many, many are not. Trying to rationalise why the WS has an A is like trying to catch gas, dammed near impossible, for every answer they give there will be a why question. So much so, it can feel like the hamster in a wheel situation, constantly going around and around and not getting anywhere.

 

I think that words are cheap, words are not tangible proof that the WS is where they want to be and words are rarely given much credence anyway, after all, BS have been spun so many lies by words. So, action is, well for me at least, the litmus test. Has he changed, has he recognised why he took the A route to meet needs and has he looked long and hard at what needs to change to ensure it doesn't happen again? There are no guarantee's, and having believed in someone, only to have them hurt you, believing is a very hard thing to do.

 

As to being the fallback, he is with you, he is trying to reconcile, of course you will question why and of course you will question if it was so easy to have an A what that says about his love for you. I think we all think that at some point, it is so common that WS are told on D Day, if you want to be with the AP, then leave, yet most stay and most stay and try their damnedest to make right what went wrong.

 

Fact is, no one can erase the hurt of an A, but a lot of us work together to rebuild our marriage's and relationships and have come through the other side, some not. I think I got to a point where the hamster on a wheel questions became almost routine and I wondered how long I would remain in the loop. Stepping off the wheel is hard, realising that there are just so many ways to ask the same thing and often the questions can blind us to the actions that the WS are doing to try to show that they are where they want to be.

 

I realised that I was looking at the A with my eyes, what I thought an A was, how I imagined how things had been. Fact is, it was nothing like how I thought an A was, and for me, the sordid nature of it had me asking WTF over and over, but no matter how many times I asked I couldn't change what was, but I could change what would be. I would have found H saying he had an A for love far easier to get straight in my head than the, she could have been anyone, that made it worse. The disposable nature of the A and the damage it causes just seems so self indulgent for something so easily discarded. I get that feeling and I am sure many BS will too. There does come a time when you (general) let it go and stop going back onto the wheel, after 5 years from D Day I am not sure I will ever fully understand the why and how could you, but I stopped looking for answers and concentrated on the solution.

[NotCamelot]

T&C,

 

I don't have the answer you are looking for. I wish I did. I need that answer too, but I don't think anyone can give that to us.

 

I am into 6 months past d-day and there are moments I wonder the same thing. I think this is very normal since we know for a fact that our spouse preferred someone else at some point. Even though I've gotten the same answers you and everyone else has gotten, it does not help the wondering.

 

I can tell you, it does get better. As we have moved forward, I find that I think about that less than I did initially. You don't say how long it has been, but I assume it was not that long.

 

I find that as long as my spouse keeps demonstrating the things that build (re-build) trust, and shows genuine love and care everyday, those feelings fade with time.

 

Regardless, your spouse IS with you NOW. And, most affairs are never going to be, known or not, long term anyway. Not that that helps the way the betrayed feels.

 

I was told, and have found, that if the two of you discover what led the spouse to stray and work on that, the rest will come.

 

I don't think we ever forget, but we can recover so that the memory is much more faded.

Edited October 31, 2012 by NotCamelot

[canuckprincess]

As explained in my other posts, my husband had a short-term affair with a coworker and we're working on reconciling.

 

If the BS and WS decide to reconcile, how does a BS know they aren't just the second choice, the fallback person? How am I supposed to know if my husband is still here because he wants to be or because his AP wasn't interested in anything more than a fling and not only with him? How does anyone know in this situation?

 

What I'm seeing is two people who made such an effort to lie and sneak around to be able to spend time together. If they wanted each other so badly then, what the h**l is so different now? He's explained to me what is different in his mind but on many days no amount of explanation or action seems to be enough for me. Right now I figure if the %&^$%^^ was so d*mn intriguing to him, why didn't he just run off with her and live happily ever after (lol).

 

How and when does a BS stop obsessing over all of this? I feel like a hamster running on one of those wheels. The thoughts are a never ending loop in my mind sometimes.

 

I HATE the fact I obsess over this and many other aspects of what took place. There are many times I can't stop thinking about it and it's really frustrating

 

 

I'm curious if he ended the Affair or did she? Also, are you sure it ended? If he ended it because he decided he didn't want to lose you then maybe he truly is sorry for what he's done. If she ended it and decided she wanted him back then it could start up again. Just because a WS doesn't physically leave the bs doesn't mean his heart isn't with the ow/om, remember cheaters are the best liars and actors around. If it was short term maybe it was just a fling and they are often easier for the ws to get over and truly R with their husband or wife.

[underwater2010]

Wish I had words of comfort for you. I am almost 5 months out and still have the same questions floating in my head. Not to mention that any change in behavior makes me super triggery. Things that I remind myself:

1. I know that he truly loves me.

2. There has not been contact.

3. There has not been contact with anyone new.

4. He does he hardest to make sure he shows me he loves me.

 

While all of that helps, it does not stop the mind games. And that is all on me. I think it just boils down to it being the nature of the beast. Hopefully it ends in the future.

[beenburned]

T&C,

 

Your questions are perfectly normal after d-day for every BS! Not very many BS would even consider a reconciliation if they thought their WS loved the OW/OM.

 

The majority of all affairs are short term usually just based on the lust they have for each other. My H described it as thinking with the wrong head!

 

You mentioned that your H explained how it was in his mind. What was his explanation?

[ComingInHot]

T&C:

 

My husband explained like this;

 

"I was on a long road trip. I was tired and board staring out the same windshield at the same road. I felt I needed a break from this arduos journey. I saw an exit and a chance to get off the road for a break. I didn't realize it at the time but it was the Wrong exit. I got turned around and lost. At first the change of direction & scenery was nice. Then I realized this was the wrong exit and the sooner I could get back on the Right road the better. It took me longer than I thought to find my way back to the highway but once I did I Knew I was on the right path".

 

It is this analogy that my husband gave me that helped me to move forward w/reconciliation.

It is such a Guys story But it really does encapsulate how, what and why for both of us.

I hope this helps*

[2sunny]

Is he willing to do everything to earn your trust back?

 

Did he quit the job?

[StormySeas]

You don't know. And that's one of the most frustrating aspects of an affair. You don't know if you know the truth. You don't know if you have the whole story. You don't know if you've asked and gotten answered every "important" question. You don't know if reconcile is right or if you should just walk away. You honestly feel like you don't know anything. Everything that you thought was black/white/right/wrong starts to look more grey. It's awful and difficult, and makes you question everything in the world.

 

Everyone else is asking you the right questions...because in the short-term, only your H's behavior/actions will indicate to you whether he wants your relationship to work. You will never know if you're the fall back or not, because even if he tells you over and over again, you're only going to believe that if you get to a place in your relationship with your H where you start to feel so happy that you know you can't possibly have been the fall back. To get there you're going to need a lot of time. So don't rush, don't feel bad that you've got so many questions/concerns that can't be assuaged, etc. Just continue to work on you, get answers to the questions that you need answers to and trust that a process of MC/tons of conversations alone with your H will hopefully give you the answers that you need over time to figure out if reconciliation is what YOU want. If you can never get over wondering if you're the second choice, then you'll have a lifetime of mental prison feeling like you're not good enough if you stay in the marriage. But for right now, it is totally normal to feel the way that you do. Let your concerns/fears/etc. fester -- don't sweep any of them under the rug...and then in a week, two weeks, a month, etc. look back at how you are feeling today and see if you've made progress in thinking about certain things less or coming to a realization that something that was really bothering you bothers you less, etc.

[waterwoman]

You can't know. You simply can't. Unless you can see inside your partner's head. It's down to words and actions from him, and a lot of thinking from you. Eventually you will feel safe to simply trust him. If you can get there you will be OK. But it's hard. 4 months down the line I feel I am getting there. But there are still times when I wonder. When I feel so angry and betrayed. When I wonder why the f*** I bother to fight for him and my marriage.

 

I Have also had to accept that there were problems. Our marriage was in poor health - and I need to accept 50% of the responsibility for that which is hard when I have been so hurt. But it needed doing. Like lancing a boil - painful but neccessary.

[GLDheart]

It comes down to his actions. You are giving him a chance. What he does with it will matter.

 

It's what he did in the beginning (when you first met) that attracted you and brought you together. His past didn't really matter then. It's kind of like that. Someday (hopefully) this will all be history behind you and it won't matter so much either anymore.

 

Don't get me wrong though, It's a tough thing for a betrayed spouse to really FULLY forgive.

[RickFox]

You won't know, ever, no matter what he says. My wife, over a year later, still asks the same thing. Rightfully so. How can you not ask that question after being betrayed? Time will tell.

 

I will tell you this, as a cheater, I got off at that exit because I chose to, I stayed at the town off the beaten path because I wanted to, I knew I shouldn't have stopped off at that town but I did it anyway, I got lost on purpose and it didn't happen accidentally and I could have left easily but chose to stay. The clarity of the situation only came much later.

[tornandconfused12]

I'm curious if he ended the Affair or did she? Also, are you sure it ended? If he ended it because he decided he didn't want to lose you then maybe he truly is sorry for what he's done. If she ended it and decided she wanted him back then it could start up again. Just because a WS doesn't physically leave the bs doesn't mean his heart isn't with the ow/om, remember cheaters are the best liars and actors around. If it was short term maybe it was just a fling and they are often easier for the ws to get over and truly R with their husband or wife.

 

He ended it and I don't think there's much emotion involved between she and my husband. She's still living with her fiance', has 4-5 other older married guys at work she has inappropriate relationships with, and her fiance' emailed me last night about another d-day......she has also been sleeping with his cousin. There's also another guy up here visiting her from a couple states away (unbeknownst to her fiance', apparently). The fiance' said the guys are coming out of the rotten woodwork like termites. I don't think the OW is too concerned about my WS as he clearly wasn't the only one she's been involved with.

 

WS seems to be very contrite, feels guilty and is very sorry. Says he feels "extremely stupid." He's still in IC as am I. However, I almost did something really stupid out of extreme anxiety and anger today.....tried to find the OW at her house. Luckily for both of us she wasn't there or I'd probably be behind bars right now.

 

Since then I've managed to get a handle on things and no longer feel inclined to pay her a visit. I know how stupid that would have been.

[tornandconfused12]

You can't know. You simply can't. Unless you can see inside your partner's head. It's down to words and actions from him, and a lot of thinking from you. Eventually you will feel safe to simply trust him. If you can get there you will be OK. But it's hard. 4 months down the line I feel I am getting there. But there are still times when I wonder. When I feel so angry and betrayed. When I wonder why the f*** I bother to fight for him and my marriage.

 

I Have also had to accept that there were problems. Our marriage was in poor health - and I need to accept 50% of the responsibility for that which is hard when I have been so hurt. But it needed doing. Like lancing a boil - painful but neccessary.

 

I also accept there were many problems in our marriage. I'm just of the opinion they could have and should have been approached much differently. My husband described me as an unapproachable porcupine, how I've been since grieving my father's death about a year ago. As I was slipping into a huge black hole of depression over my dad's very sudden and unexpected passing, I was also dealing with his estate and some issues with two of our adult kids. I had a lot on my plate. He was lonely, needed attention, never communicated it to me but instead turned to a much younger co-worker who was more than happy to demonize me and give him that attention.....while she's also been giving it to many others.

[2sure]

An affair doesn't very often mean the partners want each other so much they want they to change their lives. They just want. So maybe that's why he can't explain it right.

 

Are they still working together?

[tornandconfused12]

You won't know, ever, no matter what he says. My wife, over a year later, still asks the same thing. Rightfully so. How can you not ask that question after being betrayed? Time will tell.

 

I will tell you this, as a cheater, I got off at that exit because I chose to, I stayed at the town off the beaten path because I wanted to, I knew I shouldn't have stopped off at that town but I did it anyway, I got lost on purpose and it didn't happen accidentally and I could have left easily but chose to stay. The clarity of the situation only came much later.

 

Thanks for sharing. No disrespect intended but if you chose to stay for however long you did, why did you ever look back at where you'd been.....why not just stay in the new town? That pretty much sums up how I feel. If the new town was that intriguing why not just stay there?

 

I feel like the 'old town' my husband didn't want to visit or stay in anymore. I'm no longer a young 20 something.....just a 40 something, probably found me boring or whatever. Don't mind me, having a large pity party today. I feel like s*it.

[tornandconfused12]

An affair doesn't very often mean the partners want each other so much they want they to change their lives. They just want. So maybe that's why he can't explain it right.

 

Are they still working together?

 

Not trying to be stupid here but what is it they want from one another besides the obvious; that is, generally speaking?

 

Yes, still working together. The job he was pursuing fell through.

[Furious]

Thanks for sharing. No disrespect intended but if you chose to stay for however long you did, why did you ever look back at where you'd been.....why not just stay in the new town? That pretty much sums up how I feel. If the new town was that intriguing why not just stay there?

 

I feel like the 'old town' my husband didn't want to visit or stay in anymore. I'm no longer a young 20 something.....just a 40 something, probably found me boring or whatever. Don't mind me, having a large pity party today. I feel like s*it.

 

Hey TC

 

Your grieving and angry, you're asking the right questions and it's so frustrating when you can't get the answers to those questions.

 

It's a sh*t sandwich and one you didn't order but was served to you.

 

Feel what you feel, it really is a roller coaster from one day to the next.

 

Be good to yourself, hang in there, you're a stronger than you think.

 

((((hugs))))

[2sure]

My ex was a serial cheater. I had to leave him but not before I came to understand that it was never about ME compared to OW. It wasn't as if in his mind he was choosing OW over or instead of me. He was choosing infidelity for sure. It wasn't about me, it was even less about OW. It was ALL about infidelity.

 

Although your husband is not a serial cheater, it still sounds like he made the mistake of choosing infidelity over or instead of marriage. That has nothing to do with choosing OW over YOU.

 

If you were competing with anything ...it was his own need or want or selfishness.

 

Reconciliation is going to have to include this understanding because your spouse and the marriage have to come first all of the time...even before yourself.

 

Id have a hard time with them still working together and not speaking to her myself.

[Furious]

I came to understand that it was never about ME compared to OW. It wasn't as if in his mind he was choosing OW over or instead of me. He was choosing infidelity for sure. It wasn't about me, it was even less about OW. It was ALL about infidelity.

 

 

Perfectly explained 2sure!!!!

[beenburned]

T&C,

 

It sounds like your H's OW was a serial cheater, therefore her motivation is not about love. It is about deep seated issues she has within herself.

 

These men she works with probably all view her as nothing but an easy lay!

 

Concentrate on your H's actions and whether you think he is capable of being faithful in the future.(his mindset)

[tornandconfused12]

T&C,

 

It sounds like your H's OW was a serial cheater, therefore her motivation is not about love. It is about deep seated issues she has within herself.

 

These men she works with probably all view her as nothing but an easy lay!

 

Concentrate on your H's actions and whether you think he is capable of being faithful in the future.(his mindset)

 

What I know of the back story on the OW (some from my H and some from OW's SO).....both parents are alcoholics, dad was in and out of the picture while she was growing up, she and mom have no relationship now. She was bullied quite a bit in school and was described as mousy, awkward teen and young adult. About a year or so ago she decided to change things up and she's better looking than before. She started getting attention from men, figured out it made her fiance' jealous (along with playing all the other guys off one another, making them jealous), and it went from there. She's admitted to sleeping with 5-6 different men at work, her fiance's cousin, and most recently a guy she picked up from a couple states away while on vacation and he followed her back up here. Her fiance' does not know about vacation guy.

 

Her fiance' has attempted suicide in the past (when she took up with his cousin) and I'm hoping that is not the outcome this time. He has issues himself but different than hers.

 

OW is one helluva hot mess from what I understand. She has no female friends and once told my H she doesn't like other women, along with saying she "ruins everyone's life she touches."

 

The "easy lay" statement is exactly right.

 

So far things have been improving slowly steadily and each of us attend IC weekly, no marriage counseling so far. I am still very worried about being hurt again and I'm extremely hyper vigilant. I pay close attention to everything. My H has been cooperative and doing his best to change things on his end. He's trying to find another job but hasn't had a lot of luck thus far.

[tornandconfused12]

Is he willing to do everything to earn your trust back?

 

Did he quit the job?

 

So far he has done everything I've asked him to.

 

He is working the job issue but the job he was pursuing fell through. We currently live in an expensive home on the water and will be selling it, unfortunately, to purchase a much less expensive home - one I can afford with my own income should it ever come down to that.

 

He also has income, regular income aside from his regular job, that through a several months long process can be increased substantially if it goes through as expected to. Rearranging things financially (mostly a lower mortgage payment and the increase in the second income) may enable him to quit his regular job altogether, which would be fine by me. He would still want to work some and would be able to take a PT teaching position (college level), with his FT job out of the way, and make a decent amount of money.

 

It will take awhile to change all of the aforementioned but he has been working very actively on all of it, as well as continuing to look for other FT work if something can also come up that way.

[standtall]

If the BS and WS decide to reconcile, how does a BS know they aren't just the second choice, the fallback person? How am I supposed to know if my husband is still here because he wants to be or because his AP wasn't interested in anything more than a fling and not only with him? How does anyone know in this situation?

 

 

torn..if you read about the trainwrecks here, there is no real way of knowing since affairs are all about lying and deception as a basis, and most likely you are the fallback. Sorry.

[Fishermanj]

I doubt you are the fallback here. If she is the hot mess you describe her as, then no man in his right mind would want that on any permanent basis. She probably threw herself at him and he obliged destroying and betraying your marriage in the process. Apparently, some guys are capable of this type of thing. It is an awful waste of a good marriage for a few minutes of sex, but some guys will do it. I'm sorry that you are going through this. It is a tragedy that none of us ever expect.