Helluva Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 After a little over a week of being broken up, I'm doing better then I was at first. The main reason for my doing well I think is due to the fact that I've agreed to try to be friends with my ex since I still think he's my best friend. But - I told him that I probably wont ever see him again. He lives two hours away from me, and this past weekend I visited him to talk things out face to face, give him some items, get some of mine back, and to figure out where we're going from here. I let him understand how badly he hurt me with the whole pregnancy/breakup situation, and he described himself as "the one thing he never wanted to become" and as a "scared little boy" (his words, not mine). He told me that he never wanted to hurt me, and that the number one thing he did wrong was not put me first like he should have, or consider my feelings and everything I was going through. Afterwards...he kissed me as I cried in his arms, and told me that he loved me. He started making me laugh, and started joking around and kept saying something over and over for five minutes straight, saying "you know what'll make me shut up" and so I kissed him, and that escalated into some pretty hot breakup sex. For the final hours there, he kept reminding me how much he loved me, and I spent the time in his arms, watching tv, and remembering why it was I loved him so much and how right it was. I knew nothing changed, but it felt nice to spend one last time in his arms. He ruined it though when he said "I'm sorry for making you think this changes things..." even though I didn't. I left soon after that, and after he said we shouldn't drag goodbye out. We hugged goodbye in the freezing cold, I started crying, tried to push him off me so I could drive away, but he just held me closer, refusing to let me go. So..I cried in his chest for a few minutes thinking how I would never be in his arms again, and he cried too, and tried kissing me goodbye, which I pretty much refused. When I finally was able to push him off, I jumped in my car, took one last look at him crying and watching me leave, and tore out of there...not looking back again. Since then...things have been up and down. I haven't cried over him since, and he's called me a few times, and we haven't told one another that we love each other. We've tried to remain friends, but can I just say how hard this is? Feeling you belong with someone and that they are where you are meant to be, but knowing that you both need to find yourselves before you commit yourselves to one another? I realized that he hasn't been single for more than three months at a time in the past 9 years....and that helps me realize that the way he's been acting really isn't because of me like I'm terrified of. He's always had a girl there for emotional support, and because of that, he's never been able to truly figure out where he wants to go in life, and the pregnancy scared him silly enough to make him realize that he needs to figure it out. I want to stand by him as he does so...even if he realizes what he wants, and who he wants and it's not me...but it's hard. Has anyone ever been through anything like this? I know a lot of people have remained friends with exes (or have tried to), but each situation is different, and I don't have any friends who've been through something quite like what I'm going through. I would just like to get feedback if trying to remain friends is the right thing to do like I feel it is, or if I should focus on me and getting back to being "mentally well" again....which I'm far from? Thanks!
theLWord Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 I'm sorry you are going through all this. It sounds like you didn't do each other a favor with the ''break up sex.'' It can make things confusing and hurtful too. The fact that he hasn't been single but for three months in 9 years sounds like he could be very scared to be alone. Are you pregnant? Also how long were you together and what exactly caused the break up? I would say it's reallly hard, if not impossible to remain friends after a break up. If you drag out the contact and just keep being sad, neither of you will progress into finding out what you want or to heal. I would go no contact as soon as possible.
Author Helluva Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 I'm sorry you are going through all this. It sounds like you didn't do each other a favor with the ''break up sex.'' It can make things confusing and hurtful too. The fact that he hasn't been single but for three months in 9 years sounds like he could be very scared to be alone. Are you pregnant? Also how long were you together and what exactly caused the break up? I would say it's reallly hard, if not impossible to remain friends after a break up. If you drag out the contact and just keep being sad, neither of you will progress into finding out what you want or to heal. I would go no contact as soon as possible. Sorry, I figured people would just read my previous posts. I was 9 weeks pregnant, but miscarried a few weeks ago. Before the miscarriage, he was freaking out, saying he wasn't ready, and we both realized that we weren't ready to settle down of look at our future. The miscarriage put even more strain on our relationship, and two weeks later, he broke up with me. Since then, I've been dealing with depression (mainly due to the miscarriage), and wondering what to do about things. We did agree though that we could remain friends until one of us starts seeing someone else, since that would just be too much for us to go through. He's told me though that he wants to remain single for a while and figure out who he is before he dates again. But you are right, I believe he is scared to be alone. He's admitted it to me before...he needs to know he's loved and attractive to others. I like to believe though that even though he didn't feel loved before we started dating...that the love I gave him was enough to where he doesn't have to go running to someone else right away and truly focus on himself. Is it true? Only time and himself will tell. Some people have said no contact is the way to go, and for past relationships I thought it was true and did so. Where someone hurts the other person, if there's fighting going on, or if you bring each other more sorrow than joy by remaining in one another's lives. But...none of that applies with us. Are we hurt? Of course. We were together for a year and two months and he's my best friend, and my first true love. But...when I talk to him (unless we're talking about medical bills, or the relationship/breakup), I feel happier. I feel like...I lost my boyfriend, but I kept my best friend. That's why it's so confusing for me...because I feel like it's the right thing to do to stay good friends, but at the same time, I don't know if I should listen to the voice inside my head (or what other's are saying) and end contact with him. I just want to do what will help pull me out of my depression faster...I just don't know what this is though.
kamani Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 Well, reasons for your break-up is not clear. Who dumped who? Where's the link to your previous post? "Feeling you belong with someone and that they are where you are meant to be, but knowing that you both need to find yourselves before you commit yourselves to one another?" Is he already in another relationship? Just now you want to be friends with him because you are not ready to 'let him go'. Friendship after break-up will only increase your pain.
Author Helluva Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 Well, reasons for your break-up is not clear. Who dumped who? Where's the link to your previous post? "Feeling you belong with someone and that they are where you are meant to be, but knowing that you both need to find yourselves before you commit yourselves to one another?" Is he already in another relationship? Just now you want to be friends with him because you are not ready to 'let him go'. Friendship after break-up will only increase your pain. He broke up with me. And like I said..he's admitted to wanting to remain single for a while which he hasn't done in the past nine years.
Recommended Posts