awsgirl Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 Here is my story...I was dating a guy for 3 years. We fought over stupid things, but it all began to add up and all we did was fight. I decided to call it off 3 months ago because it just didn't feel right at the time. I had asked him if he would go to couples counseling with me and he refused. Three days after I called it off, I texted him and asked we made the right decision and he said "yes, i love you, but it is time to move on" I tried to respect his wishes, even though I wanted to get back with him. However, I found myself calling him several times crying hysterically about how we could have made things right if we tried. I pretty much asked him if we could get back together. He did not want to.... So we did the whole no contact thing for a month...and then we got together for coffee as he asked if I would. I was dead set on respecting his wishes to be friends. When we were together though, he kept flirting with me. It was like we were in the same relationship as we were before which confused me. Then, we went back to his place (mistake as many of my friends have told me now...) and we were watching a game on tv. He said "you know we are just friends right" and I said "yea what did you think I thought?" So, I played it off like everything was okay. BUT in the meantime even as he said that, he had his arms around me. Then, he kissed me out of the blue and when I asked what we were doing, he said he didn't know and there must still be chemistry between us. I replied, "if this is a friends thing I don't want to do this". Well, we ended up sleeping together. Afterwards he said that he might still love me, and then dropped me off to go on a date with another girl. When I called him that night, he acted like nothing happened. When we got together again, I refused to sleep with him and told him that I couldn't do the friends thing. He had a breakdown and told me that he couldn't imagine not seeing me again. He said he would try not contacting me anymore, but he could not promise anything because he might make a mistake and call me in the future. I stood my ground and told him that we couldn't just be friends. Two days later, I was in a fight with my family and I was used to turning to him for support, so I asked if I could crash at his place, and I ended up sleeping with him. In the morning, he told me it was a mistake and we have to be more responsible if we are to be friends I am devastated and I cannot stop thinking about him, no matter what I tell myself, no matter how many times my friends and family tell me that he isn't worth the time of day, I still believe that we belong together and I find myself texting him all the time, but he has told me that he can't go back to being in a relationship with me. I feel like I cant be friends with him as he wants, because every time we meet in person, I fall in love with him all over again How do I get things back to the way they were before? I feel like he is denying that he still loves me. Do I be friends with him, try to get him back or leave things alone ? (as much as that would hurt)
daisies12 Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 I feel terrible for what you are going through. I went through a very, very similar situation last year. My ex and I broke up, and he did not want to fix it. We would meet up and try and be friends, and those "out-of-the-blue" kisses that you talked about would happen, and it'd often lead to something more. These situations are not healthy. We DID end up back together in the end, but not before going through a devastating six months. It sounds like your ex cannot make up his mind about what he wants, and he is acting on his indecisive impulses. Maintaining contact with him is only going to hurt you more. I know it literally made me CRAZY. Right now, he may just want you around on his terms, which is unfair. As difficult as it is, maintaining NC with him is the only way that you'll both be able to sort your feelings out. I know I was never good at following that rule, but in the end he couldn't decide that he DEFINITELY wanted me around until I wasn't concerned with it anymore (classic). Don't get wrapped up in his back-and-forth behaviour.
Under The Radar Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 He slept with you KNOWING you do not want a FWB relationship and then went on a date with another girl? That is incredibly inconsiderate and disrespectful to you. Don't get placed on the back burner, used for sex, and then get dropped once he connects emotionally with another woman. Seriously, your dignity is worth so much more than that. I know you love him and want things to work out. Your only chance is to go NC like a previous poster mentioned and move on with your life. Only then might you two have a chance to reunite for a truly meaningful relationship. Right now he is calling the shots and this will end very badly for you if it continues down this path. Please listen to your friends and family. With the holidays rapidly approaching it will be very difficult to maintain NC since you two have been together for several years. Keep coming onto LS and we will help you through it.
Leigh 87 Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 If he really loved you in the deapest sence, he would not be able to just go on dates with other girls, if he was so hung up on wanting to be with you. I probably really likes you and has a great attachment to you, but he has seen all you have to offer, and does not feel compelled to disregard other women; they are still something he is considering. Do not take it personally. No matter how fabulous a person is, not everyone will want to be with them romantically speaking. It is very simple; if he wanted to be with you he would. There are no ifs or buts. He would not date or consider other women if he was seriously into you and not able to get over you.
NavyAirTraffic Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 It is very simple; if he wanted to be with you he would. There are no ifs or buts. He would not date or consider other women if he was seriously into you and not able to get over you. THIS!! You either want this or nothing at all!! Only women I slept with but didn't want a relationship with we're the ones I never saw a future with. He's trying to have his cake and eat it too. The woman I love is the ONLY one I want to sleep with, and I am the ONLY one she can sleep with. If I love her, I'll make sure of this! 1
Leigh 87 Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 aww it's sad but true. I am sure he really cares for you and misses you, but that is still not enough for you to allow yourself to stay hung up over him. It is not that brutal; I am sure he does not regard you as a side piece that is not good enough, and a women that is only good for being used until a women who is good enough comes along! In reality, he probab;y regards you highly seeing as you were together 3 years, but simply lacks a "spark" with you that compells him to be only with you. I your case, it does not sound like cold hard rejection; he thought you were enough to sped years with, so it is not an affront of your character; you just lack something that goes beyond being "good enough".
Author awsgirl Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 I think all of you bring up some really good points. He wouldn't be seeing other people if he really wanted to be with only me. I also think that the no contact thing would be good, because he either doesn't know what he wants or doesn't want me as his girlfriend. And to keep me around as his "friend" is not fair or respectful to me. That is not something I am okay with. We can't be friends, because it never ends up that way when we hang out. It was interesting when I read the comments about him calling the shots and things are on his terms right now, because that is how it was when we were together, too. I don't want that for myself anymore, I deserve better. Come to think of it, that was one of the reasons I decided to break-up with him. I guess there is nothing left to do but to ignore his text messages, or do I tell him one last time that I can't talk to him anymore? I still care about him and I don't want him to feel bad when I just stop responding, you know? I am starting to look at this situation in a more positive way. I think it's time for me to see this as an opportunity for a new future. Just a little over three months ago, I thought in a couple years I would marry my boyfriend, have kids, have everything, now my future looks very different. But when I think about it, I have time now to focus on myself and reconnect with family and friends. The future may be a lot different than what I was expecting, but I am keeping my faith that there is a lot of happiness in my future and I will one day look back and realize that there is a reason why all of this is happening right now. I am not going to lie though...change is really hard. 1
todreaminblue Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 Here is my story...I was dating a guy for 3 years. We fought over stupid things, but it all began to add up and all we did was fight. I decided to call it off 3 months ago because it just didn't feel right at the time. I had asked him if he would go to couples counseling with me and he refused. Three days after I called it off, I texted him and asked we made the right decision and he said "yes, i love you, but it is time to move on" I tried to respect his wishes, even though I wanted to get back with him. However, I found myself calling him several times crying hysterically about how we could have made things right if we tried. I pretty much asked him if we could get back together. He did not want to.... So we did the whole no contact thing for a month...and then we got together for coffee as he asked if I would. I was dead set on respecting his wishes to be friends. When we were together though, he kept flirting with me. It was like we were in the same relationship as we were before which confused me. Then, we went back to his place (mistake as many of my friends have told me now...) and we were watching a game on tv. He said "you know we are just friends right" and I said "yea what did you think I thought?" So, I played it off like everything was okay. BUT in the meantime even as he said that, he had his arms around me. Then, he kissed me out of the blue and when I asked what we were doing, he said he didn't know and there must still be chemistry between us. I replied, "if this is a friends thing I don't want to do this". Well, we ended up sleeping together. Afterwards he said that he might still love me, and then dropped me off to go on a date with another girl. When I called him that night, he acted like nothing happened. When we got together again, I refused to sleep with him and told him that I couldn't do the friends thing. He had a breakdown and told me that he couldn't imagine not seeing me again. He said he would try not contacting me anymore, but he could not promise anything because he might make a mistake and call me in the future. I stood my ground and told him that we couldn't just be friends. Two days later, I was in a fight with my family and I was used to turning to him for support, so I asked if I could crash at his place, and I ended up sleeping with him. In the morning, he told me it was a mistake and we have to be more responsible if we are to be friends I am devastated and I cannot stop thinking about him, no matter what I tell myself, no matter how many times my friends and family tell me that he isn't worth the time of day, I still believe that we belong together and I find myself texting him all the time, but he has told me that he can't go back to being in a relationship with me. I feel like I cant be friends with him as he wants, because every time we meet in person, I fall in love with him all over again How do I get things back to the way they were before? I feel like he is denying that he still loves me. Do I be friends with him, try to get him back or leave things alone ? (as much as that would hurt) with exes you need to have firm boundaries,i feel for you and if i had seen my ex months ago i would have possibly been really stupid....if i seen him today or tomorrow or down the track from now i will not be stupid and i hav efeelings fro him but they are not physical in nature anymore.So we can be distant friends, we still talk on the phoen we have kids together he still teases me, and he jokes around with me but the conversations are platonic and courteous.They weren't before, and i understand how you find it confusing..... my other ex used to make advances and i would fend them off and finally he realises i am dead set serious.....because now i get angry, if he makes an inapporpirate comment i let him know fast.....they are my boundaries, i dont like men touching me unless i say ok i mean prolonged,for example rubbing my shoulders near my neck , thats personal space,i dont think friends should want to make you uncomfortable and when they do thats not friendship confusion is being uncomfortable because you are unsure.I jump out of my skin when a male suddenly touches me, i dont let guy friends put their arms around me, i dont hug guy friends even, i would if i was attracted but otherwise its a no, i have issues with male doctors(this is bad),but i still stand on strong that if you are uncomfortable and unsure tell them not to do it that includes exes, boyfriends, anyone , only do what you feel is right in your heart and if they dont respect that ,they dont respect you. You cant expect them to know the boundaries unless you show them what those boundaries are....i have to make it clear and i appreciate men who ask "hey can i put my arm around you" , doesn't happen often, my ex when he first kissed me asked for permission because he knew my boundaries we were friends before.I am not some ice queen i am affectionate just not with people i dont want to be affectionate with exes or otherwise randoms So it shows if you let a guy know what you boundaries are and they respect you then they are true to you and to who you are.....the rest the ones that ignore,they are not respectful people and have issues themselves that are not compatible with you...........stand strong on where you want your friendship boundary to be..................deb
Author awsgirl Posted November 1, 2012 Author Posted November 1, 2012 (edited) Yeah, I agree that boundaries are really important but were hard to give when I still have strong feelings for him, and I want so bad for things to be the way that they used to be again. I don’t think he respected that I didn’t want to sleep with him if it was a FWB thing, but at the same time, I could have said no. We just got caught up in the moment I guess. That is why I need to stop talking to him, its just not something I can handle right now and I don’t want to hurt anymore. Of course, if there is an emergency or something, I may txt him otherwise Im gonna let it go…I’m gonna follow that saying “let go, let God”, because at this point I realize that I can’t control him, his feelings or how he treats me. All I can do is control my attitude towards the situation, and what I do from now on. The problem now is that I feel lonely. Edited November 1, 2012 by awsgirl
Under The Radar Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 (edited) Feeling lonely is completely normal when you have been with someone for 3 years. You two had a lot of great times together. Most people/relationships are a combination of black and white. Even with all of his good qualities it doesn't mean you two are compatible anymore. During a lot of breakups people tend to fixate on the good times when they are alone and tend to minimize the bad times. It takes time to feel comfortable being single after a breakup. If you keep having sex with your ex it WILL prevent you from healing. It only feels good at the time because it is a very powerful form of connecting with another human being. In this case, a human being you have loved dearly for quite some time. Afterwards, when you realize the relationship is still broken, you feel worse. You cannot be friends with your ex and heal. How would you feel if he started seriously dating another girl? How would you feel if he had sex with another woman? How would you feel if he had sex with you, but then treated you only as a friend? You need to go strict NC no matter how hard it will be ...... and it will be hard. You will not be able to escape the immediate pain of this breakup. You will have to "walk through it" and "endure the withdrawal process" so to speak. I am truly sorry for your pain at this time, but I promise you it will start to get better with time. Like I mentioned earlier, surround yourself with family and friends. Hang in there Edited November 1, 2012 by Training Revelations
Author awsgirl Posted November 2, 2012 Author Posted November 2, 2012 Thank you for the support, It is kind of like withdrawal. It’s actually physically painful. Example, I am used to coming home from work and doing my normal routine and then he would come by after he was out of work and we would spend time together. Now, I am without that…everyday. It’s comforting to know that what I am feeling is normal. I realize that it is going to take time, that’s what I need. I just cant believe he doesn't feel any pain and is moving on so easily. One of my friends did say that it may not be true that he doesn't miss me b/c everyone grieves in their own way and he is dealing with it differently than me, I guess that makes sense. It’ll be two weeks this coming Monday that I haven’t seen him. I can’t see him in person anymore, it is too painful and it will only lead me to regret. Just taking it one day at a time.
sarah_valentine Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 Just wanted to add that you really need to take control of this situation and do what's best for YOU. It has already become messy so if you don't take a firm stance it will get worse and even harder to. To be honest I doubt he is grieving. Considering what happened (particularly the 'you know we're friends right?' move), he probably thinks he could get you at the drop of a hat, so now he's just seeing other girls - because he doesn't really WANT you - and having fun, doing what he wants, and maybe if these relationships get too tough for him and don't live up to what he wants then he'll come back to you for convenience. If you start pulling away and literally stop being available to him in all forms, then I imagine he will do a freak out and start going crazy contacting you... but it won't be because he wants you, it'll be because he wants to know you're there. Just watch out for that, it's often what happens. You need to take control of yourself and move on - you deserve way better than this. While you can't control your feelings and will just have to ride them out, control your actions and do NOT contact him or respond to him - you've already made it clear you can't do the friend route, he should respect that.
Author awsgirl Posted November 11, 2012 Author Posted November 11, 2012 i'm not sure how much longer I can do this... I have been doing the NC, haven't seen him in a month, but time isn't doing anything. I want to be his girlfriend again, and I hear that he is seeing someone new. It hurts so bad thinking that he didn't want me back...he didn't want to fix things...I have been keeping myself distracted as much as I can. How am I going to get past this? It has now been 4 months since the break-up.
Under The Radar Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 (edited) i'm not sure how much longer I can do this... I have been doing the NC, haven't seen him in a month, but time isn't doing anything. I want to be his girlfriend again, and I hear that he is seeing someone new. It hurts so bad thinking that he didn't want me back...he didn't want to fix things...I have been keeping myself distracted as much as I can. How am I going to get past this? It has now been 4 months since the break-up. What have you been doing to try and get over the breakup? You have to make a proactive effort to move on and resume your life without him. If you are obsessing about him, with his new girlfriend, then without a doubt the pain will magnify. On some level you will have to get to a place of acceptance. Right now, you are still pining for him and hoping that a reconciliation will occur. That mindset will keep anyone dwelling in the abyss. You may have broken up 4 months ago, but you have only remained in NC for one month. As well, the two of you had sex not too long ago. So instead of starting the healing process four months ago, it really started a month ago. As previously mentioned, NC doesn't work to help one heal if the individual continues to pine for their ex. You have to absolutely and unequivocally accept that it is over. You then have to make a concerted effort to move on with your life. Remember what NC entails: No FB, reading old texts, looking at old gifts or pictures, stalking twitter accounts, etc... If you were really in NC then you most likely wouldn't know about his dating life. Knowing he is seeing another girl will definitely set you back. I understand how painful it is to know your ex has started another relationship. However, that fact alone should propell you deeper into NC and wanting to get over him. He has clearly shown that HE is moving on and DOES NOT want to have a relationship with you anymore. I am sorry about this and don't want you to be in pain. It takes time to heal from the end of a meaningful relationship. How long that is varies from person to person. With the holidays rapidly approaching it will be even harder for you. Remaining NC is critical if you don't want to start over from scratch. Surround yourself with people who care about you; keep posting on the LS Forums. You will get through this, but you have to give it time. One month is really not much time at all to heal from the end of a three year relationship. Hang in there! Edited November 11, 2012 by Training Revelations
Author awsgirl Posted December 29, 2012 Author Posted December 29, 2012 So I have made an effort to move on these last couple months. I have gone NC, but he has texted me every now and then. I replied. It wasn't anything related to our relationship, it was a friendly conversation. I have gone on a few dates, have gone out with my friends more often, I have started to see a therapist, etc. I have been having fun, but my heart is still with him. I don't want anyone but him. I know, now that we have had 6 months apart, that he is the one person I want to share my life with. I understand where we went wrong in the relationship, and I know how we can fix things. I believe in us. But, I am hesitant to contact him. I was thinking of asking him to go for coffee to catch up on things. Should I? I think he will reject me, but I cannot live my life without him. I have tried. Where do I go from here??
eleve82 Posted December 30, 2012 Posted December 30, 2012 Awsgirl, it takes more than a few months to get over someone. Believe me when I tell you this - you haven't moved on because you haven't met that person who will sweep you off your feet... yet. Please give yourself more time. If a man wants to be with you, he will move mountains to be with you.
Recommended Posts