How to reignite the spark and excitement?

[slant]

My girlfriend and I have been together for six months and in LDR for about three months. We both love each other but I am afraid she is losing sexual attraction towards me. We saw each other for 5 days two weeks ago. It was good but not amazing. She wasn't as into sex as I was and I felt I kind of had to push for it. I was also sad at the amount of kissing and other affection we had towards each other at times. The week had it's moments, but I was rather unhappy for part of the time.

 

I know my sex drive is never down, but she says hers is a lot lately and she doesn't know why. I suggested maybe she should try changing her birth control. I'm sure it could also be stress from school and work. Then I asked her if she is still attracted to me. She said she thinks so.

 

I almost feel like we are becoming more friends than lovers. We never talk about sex or do anything sexual on the phone or webcam while apart like some LDR have. We talk about cuddling and stuff like that but nothing more. Our first three months together were just soo exciting at times.

 

I also told her today we need to try things to reignite the spark and excitement we once had being together. There is no problem talking. We talk on the phone everyday, text all day long, Skype multiple times a week. It's just a lack of physical and now emotional intimacy of a sexual nature is starting to bother me. Obviously the physical can't be helped while we are apart but I feel it should be amazing when we see each other so rarely. Like we can't keep our hands off each other. That's what I imagine and want. Obviously sex isn't everything but it's important and is the only issue at the moment in our relationship.

 

So I don't know what I should do. I told her it is hard for me to talk about sex and maybe that's part of the problem. I didn't really bring it up during the first two months we were apart, only continuing the conversation when she did once. I just am looking for some advice and ideas of things I can start doing to change things.

[justwhoiam]

I am afraid she is losing sexual attraction towards me. We saw each other for 5 days two weeks ago. It was good but not amazing. She wasn't as into sex as I was and I felt I kind of had to push for it.

Why did you? Doing things at the right time can bring you from "what am i doing here?" to "wow, this feels so right". You probably messed it up with your behavior.

 

I was also sad at the amount of kissing and other affection we had towards each other at times. The week had it's moments, but I was rather unhappy for part of the time.

Again, I guess timing can do wonders.

 

I know my sex drive is never down, but she says hers is a lot lately and she doesn't know why. I suggested maybe she should try changing her birth control.

I know you meant good, but I guess you said the wrong thing here. Even if it's possible, it sounds bad, I mean the way you said that or brought it up.

 

I'm sure it could also be stress from school and work. Then I asked her if she is still attracted to me. She said she thinks so.

I don't think you're helping her sexual drive, honestly. You need to set the mood and that might be a hard task.

 

I almost feel like we are becoming more friends than lovers. We never talk about sex or do anything sexual on the phone or webcam while apart like some LDR have. We talk about cuddling and stuff like that but nothing more. Our first three months together were just soo exciting at times.

You grew distant, for some reason. If you ask yourself why and find the reasons why, you're half way there to a solution.

 

I also told her today we need to try things to reignite the spark and excitement we once had being together.

Dude, you're being too rational. You don't reignite the spark telling her you need to reignite the spark. Also, a big no-no: trying to involve her in reigniting the spark. If you can't figure out how to make her want you and raise her sexual drive, just forget about it. This attitude will get you nowhere (sexually speaking).

 

From what you said, I would guess the issue is psychological. You're not raising her emotional level, where's the spark from you?

 

So I don't know what I should do.

I noticed. And that's part of the problem, if not the core of it. Do you think she didn't notice? When things don't seem to be natural anymore, the situation gets awkward and you just feel like being somewhere else (this might be what she's experiencing now).

 

I told her it is hard for me to talk about sex

That's not strictly necessary. Other things are. But if you are asexual for 2 months and then you meet up and expect fire and passion between the two of you, you're like someone too lazy to go grocery shopping but then expects to have dinner ready on the table. I mean, come on, you don't get food on your table without even calling the take out service. And it's not coming to you on a magic carpet or by simply repeating to yourself "I want it here and now".

 

I just am looking for some advice and ideas of things I can start doing to change things.

Maybe if you start sharing how you approached her when you met her up, I can tell where and how you went wrong. Or you didn't do anything and expected her to jump onto you?

[slant]

Thank you so much for putting so much effort into your reply. Much of the things I asked her were just over the phone this past week. It just seems hard to do things to reignite the spark when there are 2000 miles between us.

 

I'd respond to everything you asked, but I feel things are not good right now at all.

 

It feels like she has been getting more distant the past few days. Not responding to my texts for hours and not talking on the phone a lot. She says she has doubts and doesn't know if we will ever be in the same place again. I have doubts too. Lately I've been feeling more stressed than happy with the relationship. I just feel it might be over any day. It just makes me sad because we have so many good memories with each other. She is my first everything (date, kiss, etc, etc)!

 

Lately she has told me how one of her roommates has become a person that has sex a lot and recently that he had a threesome. She told me her sister hooked up with a guy last weekend. She said sometimes she thinks she doesn't want to be tied down and it makes me think she is bored and wants these things to happen to her. I'll admit I have these feelings sometimes too. It's just hard to feel like there is someone that cares for you when you can't be with them.

 

Just last week when I said I was with my friend and his gf, she said she doesn't want me to fall for any of their friends. Said "she doesn't want to lose me," but now this is all going on. It's just confusing.

 

I made it clear today that if we breakup I will not be able to talk to her ever again. She says she would like to continue talking, but I just can't because it would feel like we are still together until she meets someone new.

 

I'm just really down because I moved across the country and hate the job I came here for, and now I feel like it has changed everything and I am going to lose her.

[justwhoiam]

Just one Confucian-like comment: if you don't believe in it yourself first, no one will.

[veggirl]

I think the honeymoon period has ended and you are seeing one another clearly for the first time, and you are finding out that you actually maybe aren't all that compatible. Sexual compatibility is a big thing, you guys are 2k miles apart and when she sees you she isn't all over you?