Saw ex-GF again at health club

[Sailynn]

About a week ago, I happened upon my ex-GF in the health club we used to attend together. When she saw me, she turned away without speaking. That was the first time I've seen her since April.

 

For over a year, I regularly work out on Saturday and she has never attended on a Saturday. However, this past Saturday, I walked in and low and behold, she was there. I, at least, went over and said "Good Morning" and walked on by. She really didn't engage me. Couldn't hold her head up.

 

I started my weight-lifting workout and she was on the treadmill right in front of me. There are about 50 treadmills scattered all through the building, some far away from the weight section, yet she stayed right there. Then I started my floor aerobic exercise and she moved to lifting ng weights right in front of me this time. All the while, never looking at me, never catching my eye or anything. It was as if she was making an extra effort not to look at me and I say so because the movements she was doing looked unnatural.

 

The thing is, I finished my workout, went home and afterward, I became depressed and stayed so for over 36 hours. I do miss her so much and miss what we had. I was having a hard time coping. I had decided to have no contact and to rearrange my life in such a way as to take away any oportunities or temptations to cross her path. Sort of like joining the French Foreign Legion, you might say.

 

Why would she have started coming there? Is she going to start tormenting me?

 

Is there something I have to prepare for, like her bringing in a new boyfriend or something?

 

It is sad that after such a long and intimately close friendship, we're not even the best of strangers.

[uriel]

If we knew the terms of your break-up, we could give you a better idea of what she might be up to. Did she break up with you? You with her? How long ago? Was any infidelity involved?

 

-- uriel

[Sailynn]

She initiated the break-up.

 

I was taking some classes and my time was limited and she became mad and broke up with me for not making time for her. I thought I was improving myself and they were going to be over in a couple of weeks.

 

The break-up night was frought with her blaming me for the breakup with accusations of, I didn't invite her to things right, I was self-centered because of my interests, etc., etc. and she wants a husband and she's going to find one.

 

We had talked about marriage and I had talked to my parents about asking her to marry me in another month and I told her this. She scoffed it off that I was just saying what I thought she wanted to hear. I, of course, denied that but I felt deflated and realized she no longer respected my words.

 

She told me that she loved me but her feelings had changed and she no longer wanted to be special friends and no longer wanted to date me. At that point, I said thanks for telling me and I hugged her good-bye and left. When a woman tells me that, my experience tells me it's over. Also, when a woman is casting blame, she's hiding something. She's trying to mask her guilt over something. I also felt a lot of insecurity coming from her.

 

I have had no contact with her since. She has e-mailed me with group addressed e-mail messages, returned a book of mine in the mail and e-mailed a good-bye when I quite the civic club we were in together. I've had to separate from the world we used to have together.

 

I don't know if she has anyone else or not, but I suspect she does. She is desparately hunting a husband. That's what she's stated in the past.

[uriel]

Okay -- here's what I think is going on then. This woman still has strong feelings for you. But, she felt like you didn't return them when you were together. She was incredibly insecure and got very angry at you for what she imagined was the emotional harm you were doing her. She thought you were using her for sex and had no intention of marrying her. She's most likely been treated that way in the past (most women have). Her insecurity precipitated the break-up. When you didn't beg her to come back, send her flowers, give her a ring, she felt her theory was confirmed.

 

Now, she's coming back to the gym partly because she's still angry and wants you to see what you're missing. But also because she's hoping that seeing what you're missing will make you want her again and go after her. She still feels badly that you didn't and -- of course -- has some lingering doubts about whether you meant what you said regarding marriage and whether she's done the right thing by not trusting you.

 

Women talk about being so into marriage because they want to make it clear to guys that they are serious girlfriend and wife material -- not a cheap trick. So, I wouldn't assume she's desperate trying to hook just any guy that comes along. This kind of talk came out of her anxiety to get you to care for her and take her seriously. Maybe because you are not a very emotionally expressive person, she read your reserve as coldness and selfishness.

 

Bottom line: When you love a woman, you've got to open up some more and let her know she matters and is very special. If this is a woman you were seriously considering marrying, you might still mend this by risking some vulnerability.

 

The only way to get a woman who you've distanced to take you seriously again is to make a definite gesture. Ask her to get back together. Give her a promise ring, saying an engagement one will follow if things work out. Take part of the blame for not connecting emotionally.

 

-- uriel

[Sailynn]

First of all, I think you've hit the nail on the head.

 

The thought of contacting her is something I struggle with everyday. I miss her sooooo much. I really thought our souls had touched.

 

Let me say, that I was not using her for sex and, you're right that she probably felt that way. She has told me repeatedly that she has major trust issues. She was sexually abused as a young woman and I've tried so hard to show her that I am trustworthy. It seems that no matter what I do, this issue comes up whenever I may do something for me or my family and friends that takes me away from her. We usually go along being pretty happy and about every six months she seems to explode stating everything that is wrong with me. I try to keep it going by providing more attention, time, gifts, talks, romance, etc.

 

I could have done a better job of showing love and I take responsibility for that. On the break up night, I told her that I loved her. I hugged her and she stated that my hugs always were phenomenal. I kissed her and she difinitely returned the kiss, but she caught herself and pulled away. Upon telling me that her feelings had changed, I felt my goose was cooked and I know when a woman feels that, there's nothing much I could do. So, this time, I didn't come back with attention and gifts, etc.

 

I really miss her and when I saw her at the health club, it made me miss even more, because I am in awe of her and I just love the way she moves and the way she looks. I've been trying to let her go.

 

I just don't know what to do. My friends tell me to let her alone, yet I'd love to be back with her. We would have a good time if we could work this out.

[snilljente]

I am not sure how long it has been since you guys broke up....I had a similiar situation with a guy that I met at the gym and actually changed gyms to avoid seeing him because he was constantly pulling the "I want to be with you, but am not ready to have a girlfriend" torment...we dated for about three months consistently before he began this and I just couldn't take the on and off torment that went on for several more months...it did help not seeing him, but he was still on my mind. I sounds like you guys were much further ahead in your relationship. She obviously knows when you work out and make a point of being there on a Saturday. I am big on being the bigger person. Call her up and tell her you want to meet and talk...you want to get all of this stuff out in the open..let her know you care, that you are sensitive to her feelings about the breakup and not getting the attention from you that she felt she deserved, but that from your perspective you felt you were betting yourself by taking classes and that would benefit you both as a couple in the future.....The previous poster might have been right..you didn't try and get her back and we girls need to see that you miss us and are sorry for what happened, otherwise, we too think you have gone on with your life.....In any case, if you guys sit down and talk like adults, the worst thing that can happen is you will have everything out in the open, even if it doesn't lead to a reconciliation. I don't like that she was unfriendly to you at the gym...she could have at least said hello.....you may want to mention that no matter what happens, you would like to be decent to each other in the future if/when you do talk....Goodluck....if you really love her, it's worth finding out what is going on in her head.....

[Sailynn]

...at the gym was Sunday a week ago. I came in and when she saw me, she spun around so fast, it was astounding. She never looked at me or spoke.

 

So, I don't know what to make of it. Is it fear? Cowardice? Loathing? Indifference?

 

This all started last week, when I went to the club last Sunday, a day I usually don't go. I had a free afternoon and I went to work out.

 

I just found it amazing that after March 19, she showed up at the club at the time when she know I worked out on Saturday. I looked at the sign in log and noticed she had attended a couple of days in the last couple of weeks. Each of her workouts was about 30 minutes. However, on Saturday her workout lasted over an hour and fifteen minutes and it all occurred within 15 to 20 feet of me.

 

My emotions have been so raw over the past few months I just couldn't take it to call her. I felt it all come crumbling down and felt like there was nothing I could do. WE've been through this before. If she became mad at me, I'd show up with the long face, my declaration of care and flowers and we were back good again.

This time, I just didn't do that dance. I just couldn't take becoming vulnerable again. Maybe I've healed enough to face it and am more able to accept the true answer.

[snilljente]

So you have been broken up for a few months and how many times did you break up during the time you were together...why the break ups....sorry for all of the questions, but I am trying to understand....She is angry....Anger is a secondary emotion...i.e. a coverup for other emotions, generally hurt and fear....

[Sailynn]

Although little minor breakups. Once, when we were first dating, a friend of hers had a wedding and she went to the wedding. She became mad at me for not going with her and it took her over a month to tell me she was mad. Well, she had given me no indication that she wanted me to attend. She didn't ask me to accompany her. Another time she was mad that I didn't asked about her dog, or that I didn't offer to walk him, little petty stuff. She seems to hold stuff in and then explodes some time later.

 

At one point, she told me that she recognized that she had major trust issues with men. She's middle aged and has never married. When she described her past relationships, it seemed to me that most of them ended when she determined they were not caring enough or unsuitable; and for petty reasons. She described the dysfunction of her family, of living with a silent and uninvolved father who was not a part of her life. She rarely spoke of him. She told me of her brother who had molested her and that nothing was ever done about. A lot of heavy stuff. She told me of all the men in her life that had treated her badly.

 

I offered for us to seek counseling together, because this was some very intense baggage and we as a couple must be prepared to handle these feelings when life puts face to face with this kind of stuff. I mean I have my own issues too. Sometimes, I'm independent and she claimed I was a bit self-centered and prone not to confront her on some issues. So it could have benefited us both.

[uriel]

From your account of her history and the relationship's, it sounds like she has significant trust / commitment / intimacy issues. These were likely exacerbated by your own self-containment -- but that's also the quality that probably drew her to you. She wants to heal by finding a man like her father who gives her constant attention over everything. Paradox, yes? She's destined to be unhappy until she resolves this within herself.

 

You might consider talking to her -- but if she's not self-aware enough to realize her pattern, this may not do much good, except to let you know why she's back in your space. Otherwise, I think avoiding her is the best policy, especially given how painful for you this is.

 

Sorry -- it's a tough situation, one that's all the more clearly so given your history.

 

-- uriel