A special girl with a past needs space: What now?

[BigHugeMidget]

I'll try not to make this too long. I'll be more than happy to give more details/context if asked.

 

So a couple of months ago, me (23/m) and this girl (24/f) started dating. She had previously ended it with her ex a month prior to when we started dating. I had known her as a friend for about two years, as she is best friends with my good friend's wife. So I found out she was single and decided I should pursue her because she always seemed like she had something special about her. So I succeed, and it turns out she's interested in me as well.

 

As the relationship goes on, it starts to become apparent that there's something special going on here. All of these coincidences and things we have in common start to pile up, and there's a chemistry between us that I hadn't felt with another person before. She says she feels the same way and says "I'm basically everything she looks for in a guy." She's not clingy, but she almost can't seem to get enough of me. So we're essentially crazy for each other.

 

Now a little context. She has problems with her past. She was previously in an abusive marriage about 1.5-2 years ago (obvious emotional scars) and she feels bad about things she did in the wake of this marriage ending (in a depressed state), not to mention she also did things before this that she regrets. I guess you could say compared to her, I have lived a relatively clean life and this was something we talked about right when we started dating. I made clear to her that I wasn't going to judge her, but she thought I "looked like I'd been stabbed" whenever she would divulge any of these past incidents to me, and honestly, they just caught me off guard when she told me because they were largely out of nowhere and I wasn't prepared. But life seemed to move on, and we continued being allegedly crazy for each other.

 

So a little over 6 weeks ago, she sat me down and told me that she wasn't ready for this relationship yet and that she needed space to deal with some emotional baggage (stuff that I mentioned earlier). She says she still wants to be friends and that I did nothing wrong (I honestly believe her) and it was all her fault. She says she's sorry for being an emotional roller coaster and hates hurting me. So I'm clearly quite hurt but I try to be understanding and respect her decision. So we have a couple of bear hugs and I leave.

 

In the wake of all this, I've made a conscious effort to not bombard her with contact (several days in between texts etc.), although I probably wasn't as good at it as I could have been at first. About three weeks after she told me she needed the space, I asked her if she wanted to see a movie as friends we had both wanted to see. It turned out that basically all of my usual friends weren't able to, so I figured I'd ask her (I've since concluded that I probably shouldn't have done this, but I wanted to test the waters). She ends up politely telling me that she's not comfortable yet, and I say I understand and just let me know if she ever wants to talk about anything.

 

I'm admittedly struggling with the fact that she is not initiating much contact at all right now, at least compared to when we were dating and leading up to the relationship. It just feels wrong to me that it's weird to talk like we used to when everything seemed to be going so well. Especially when I know there are guys constantly pining over her. As a side note, I should add that she hasn't ignored any texts and actually made me a mix CD of some artists she thought I might like about a week and a half ago.

 

If I'm being honest, I'm not quite ready to give up on her right now, although I don't plan on waiting for her for too long. So I ask of you, what would you do to improve upon my typical operating procedure (preferably leading to me having a second chance)? It has basically been to make harmless small talk every several days or so to let her know I'm still around but leave out any serious relationship talk unless she's ready to bring it up. Do you have any tips or suggestions that come to mind? Maybe some pointers about how and how often I should initiate contact? And what I should do about seeing if she ever wants to hang out? Whatever comes to mind.

 

Thanks be bestowed upon those that answer.

[BigHugeMidget]

You learned a valuable lesson... Hurt People, hurt people.

 

The girl was "damaged" before meeting her husband. Became more "damaged" after meeting and marrying her husband. Became even more "damage" after her divorce.

 

Bottom line, the woman is "damaged", wants to be "damaged" and will continue to seek out "damage".

 

"Damaged" women her age (24) go for losers, abusers, players, jerks, liars, cheaters, pick up artists, "bad" boys, etc.

 

"Damaged" women are turned off and repulsed by "Nice" Guys with a "Captain Save a Ho" complex until they are in their late 20s / early 30s. Only then, will they be looking to settle / find a sucker who will take their 3 truckloads of baggage (debt, addictions, emotional and mental "damage" / scars, STDs, abortions, failed marriages and kids with Ex loser husband(s), sexual problems, depression, little to no self-esteem and self-worth, manhaters, jealousy issues, possessive, needy, etc.).

 

Should you ever agree to be an idiot / sucker who wants to be a guy these "damaged" women end up settling with... You should know that they will make you pay for crimes you did not commit, your life will be a living hell and the entire time they are with you they will hunger, desire, crave, miss "bad" boy cock.

 

In case you are holding out hope for your Ex, she will not be remotely close to being "healthy" until she takes the time, does the hard work and addresses her issues, repairs the "damage" and cleans up the mess she made of her life. This does not happen in a couple of days, weeks or months... we are talking YEARS and that is with professional help.

 

Your Ex isn't going to do any of those things. In fact, you will soon find out she doubled down on the bad choices, friends and lifestyle that caused "damage" and is dating / in relationship with an even worse loser than her ex-husband.

I hear what you're saying, and ordinarily I'd probably agree with you. But I honestly think you're being a bit extreme and I just don't think that's the answer here.....that she sub-consciously wants a "bad boy". She had told multiple people that she was looking to settle down and that she was really happy with me, but apparently she got apprehensive about something. Unless she is the world's greatest actress, there was a look in her eyes when she looked at me that can't translate to the internet, and that's what makes me think it's not that extreme.

 

I do agree that she definitely needs to get her head on straight, though, that much is certain and I'll stand by that.

[NavyAirTraffic]

Gibson nailed it on this one!! I recently dated a 25yr old girl that was "damaged"; single mom, divorced, abortion, recently hurt. I played nice, I tried to help, she used me for 3 .5 months, said "I want to be single", in a new relationship less that 1 month later (prob sooner, I just found out). It makes too much sense now.