Author Under The Radar Posted November 13, 2012 Author Posted November 13, 2012 aww your welcome and 18 months of nc wow nice that shows how strong you are your doing really great so have she tryed to contact you in the 18 months ??? and when ever you think you could have said something tell your self this whats done is done the past is the past.... she will try to do this again to another guy and he will put her in her place truse me Nope, she never contacted me again; I told her not to. I know she has a new boyfriend, but I feel sorry for him. If he's weak, like I was, then he'll be beaten down. If he has great self-esteem and experience then he'll stand up to her. To be honest, until she acknowledges HER baggage, and makes attempts to correct HER issues, then no relationship will work for her. I feel sorry for her because she really is clueless. Talk to you later Taya.
taya Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 Nope, she never contacted me again; I told her not to. I know she has a new boyfriend, but I feel sorry for him. If he's weak, like I was, then he'll be beaten down. If he has great self-esteem and experience then he'll stand up to her. To be honest, until she acknowledges HER baggage, and makes attempts to correct HER issues, then no relationship will work for her. I feel sorry for her because she really is clueless. Talk to you later Taya. yeah i ear ya your very strong tho;) she lost a great guy 1
Sugarkane Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 Sounds like you were gaslighted just like I was. It took me too long to stop blaming myself aswell. It is easy to blame someone else and be a coward.
Emilia Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 I spent a YEAR after the breakup asking everyone who knew me if I was a good boyfriend. I honestly didn't know at the time because of my confusion. They all told me yes, but it took me till now to see it. Although it has only been 18 months I feel like it took me 5 years to escape the self-loathing. It was definitely a huge learning experience and one I'll never forget. I just wish I could have learned these lessons at 22 instead of 38! We don't have control over when we bump into new experiences. I remember my early 30s feeling embarrassed when I thought I was making elementary dating mistakes. It is what it is
Author Under The Radar Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 (edited) Sounds like you were gaslighted just like I was. It took me too long to stop blaming myself aswell. It is easy to blame someone else and be a coward. I never knew what gaslighting was before coming to LS. I know that I never second guessed myself so much in my entire life. I certainly started to believe every criticism she vocalized about me. For instance, I might accidentally interrupt her as we were both trying to speak. I would apologize and say, "I'm sorry, please say what you wanted to say". She would immediately begin to give me the silent treatment. A few minutes later I'd try and apologize again saying, "I'm sorry, I really want to hear what you have to say, please continue". She would tell me that if I really cared what she had to say I would never have interrupted her in the first place. My apology was worthless because it wasn't sincere. I only said I was sorry because I didn't want her to be angry at me, not because I was truly remorseful. I'd be thinking in my head, "What the **** is she talking about"? It was nuts. Another example is that whenever I'd stand up for myself in an argument she'd pull out the abuse card. I'd be told how absolutely abusive I am to her. Then she would proceed to tell her family and friends how poorly I treated her!!! I had low self-esteem and constantly doubted myself. It didn't take long for me to begin buying into every complaint and accusation she made of me. I literally felt like I was going crazy and was always "walking on eggshells". By the end of the relationship I was definitely a broken man. Now that I've been 18 months NC I feel so much better. EVERYONE can see I'm back to my old self; I'm actually happy for the first time in several years. Being single right now, and having time to reflect on everything, has given me a feeling of invincibility. She cannot hurt me anymore and I am so much wiser for the future. BTW, the most helpful book I read after the relationship was called "In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People. Edited November 14, 2012 by Training Revelations
Author Under The Radar Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 We don't have control over when we bump into new experiences. I remember my early 30s feeling embarrassed when I thought I was making elementary dating mistakes. It is what it is Hey Emilia, thanks for the post. Yes, my emotional maturity and experience level has catapulted by about 1000% because of my relationship ordeal. The funny thing is, I actually got the courage to break up with her two years into the relationship. I was very gentle and kind during my breakup letter, which I read to her in person. I was careful not to put any blame on her and simply mentioned that we weren't compatible. She had zero emotion and said, "Are you sure you want to breakup? Because if you do, I am not so sure I'd take you back". I told her it was the right thing to do and I left her apartment. Two days later my phone blows up with texts and missed calls from her. I didn't know what to do. I thought she wanted to yell at me for breaking up with her. So, I called her back (rather than maintaining NC ) and asked what was wrong. She was nice as can be and said maybe she was wrong about everything always being my fault; I couldn't believe it!!! This was the same girl who always gave me the silent treatment and told everyone how poorly I treated her. Now, she was saying it wasn't all my fault and that I made her happy. Unfortunately, for me, I went back to her for a second chance. It was a huge mistake, but I thought I loved her and didn't want to have any regrets. She was treating me so well at that point and I thought maybe my leaving her had made her realize I was a good catch. My friends told me to run for the hills and pleaded with me to remain NC. I didn't listen to them and stayed in the relationship for another two years. Of course, things were better for the first few weeks. However, not long after that she began to treat me poorly again. It took me a VERY long time to see that SHE was manipulative and abusive to ME. Like you said, it was all a massive learning experience. Take Care, Josh
Author Under The Radar Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 (edited) Even after 18 months no contact, there is still a part of me that wants to completely "flip out" on her. I see some people on the forums (KatZee comes to mind) who took their dignity back at the tail end of their relationship. They were able to tell their ex, point blank, that it was not all their fault. I never had enough wits about me to do that. I know the hardest part of my recovery was the realization that I was too weak to stand up to her. Yes, I did manage to ultimately break away, but it almost destroyed me. I didn't have the self-esteem or the coping tools to deal with the situation properly. Today, knowing what I know now, I'd have walked away in a heart beat with my chest held high and no tears in my eyes. Every month that goes by I get stronger and stronger. Like I mentioned earlier, I thank my lucky stars that I never married or had children with her! Edited November 14, 2012 by Training Revelations
RudeLou Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 Hey man I know exactly how you feel. I recently went through a break up like that and I still work with the girl. She keeps sending me mixed signals, but try to ignore them. She left me for her ex who she wasn't happy with. The cycle is just going to continue for her. I've been going to a therapist for about a month. I didn't stand up for myself either and always agreed with her. I didn't start out like that though I was firm and had boundaries. She emotionally abused me to the point where I thought I couldn't do any better than her and just took whatever crap spewed from her noise hole. Now I see I was way better than that. I deserve better than her. It takes some time to build yourself back up. Don't worry man I've been going through this for a month, but after realizing all of that I feel a lot better. The hurt is still there, but it slowly fades. I have to work with her everyday and be civil because we're co-workers. I'm finding it tough to just tell her take a hike! We're all here to support each other!
Author Under The Radar Posted November 15, 2012 Author Posted November 15, 2012 Hey man, Seems like you had to learn a hard lesson too . Sorry you were abused and and lost your self-esteem in the relationship. It seems like we experienced some of the same treatment from our significant others. I cannot imagine having to work with an ex-girlfriend; that must be inexplicably difficult. Hang in there and keep your chin held high. Don't ever let her get the best of your dignity again. Later, Josh
QdB Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 Hey man I know exactly how you feel. I recently went through a break up like that and I still work with the girl. She keeps sending me mixed signals, but try to ignore them. She left me for her ex who she wasn't happy with. The cycle is just going to continue for her. I've been going to a therapist for about a month. I didn't stand up for myself either and always agreed with her. I didn't start out like that though I was firm and had boundaries. She emotionally abused me to the point where I thought I couldn't do any better than her and just took whatever crap spewed from her noise hole. Now I see I was way better than that. I deserve better than her. It takes some time to build yourself back up. Don't worry man I've been going through this for a month, but after realizing all of that I feel a lot better. The hurt is still there, but it slowly fades. I have to work with her everyday and be civil because we're co-workers. I'm finding it tough to just tell her take a hike! We're all here to support each other! You're a lot better than me bro. If my ex worked with me the only thing I would say to her is "hi" and "bye". Nothing left to say
Treble Clef Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 To OP: I'm sorry for how you feel, there's nothing to describe how it feels to be used by someone in that way. For a long time I was angry at how I made myself completely subservient to my ex while he walked all over me. It takes time to build up your self-respect again. And I hate to repeat what everyone's been saying, but this is a learning experience which will make your next relationship better, cos you'll never let yourself treated the same way again. Hope you're ok.
Author Under The Radar Posted November 15, 2012 Author Posted November 15, 2012 (edited) To OP: I'm sorry for how you feel, there's nothing to describe how it feels to be used by someone in that way. For a long time I was angry at how I made myself completely subservient to my ex while he walked all over me. It takes time to build up your self-respect again. And I hate to repeat what everyone's been saying, but this is a learning experience which will make your next relationship better, cos you'll never let yourself treated the same way again. Hope you're ok. Thanks for your words of encouragement. For a long time I walked around with a black cloud raining over my head. I am doing so much better now. I am sorry for the pain you experienced, but it seems like you are healing well. I hope that is the case. Take Care, Josh Edited November 15, 2012 by Training Revelations
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