Under The Radar Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 How do I do it? I've been NC for almost 18 months, but everyday I still remember how I begged, pleaded, and cried at the end. I ate everyone of her breadcrumbs and it greatly impacted my ability to let go at the time. My healing was delayed almost a year because I took to heart everything she ever said to me. I truly believed I was the worst boyfriend on the planet and was consumed with guilt. I accepted every one of her projections like they were facts. Of course, now I realize the demise of the relationship wasn't all my fault. Nevertheless, I cannot get over the fact that I agreed with every one of her comments until the bitter end. My self worth was linked to her external validation of me. I see that now; the smoke has dissipated and I'm thinking clearly. I would just go along with whatever it was she said for fear of getting dumped. All this time later, I still look in the mirror everyday I wake up and I see this doormat. I'm so completely disgusted with myself. I never stood up to her and even agreed with all of her accusations that I wasn't a good boyfriend. I never got to yell back at her or say that she was wrong. I just sat there and took it How can I learn to forgive myself? I know I was a good boyfriend. Sure, I made mistakes, but I was not a bad boyfriend. So why can't I let go when my brain knows I wasn't the world's worst boyfriend?
PYTpisces Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 It sounds like you were emotionally abused . For that reason you need to stop putting yourself beneath her. She beat you up emotionally and it's not your fault that you eventually internalized it all. She may have devalued you, but there are women out there who don't know you. They wouldn't look at you and see a doormat. Your ex can't beat you up anymore and say to yourself "it is possible, that though the lion is gone, I can stand on the tip of the tongue of the one that still lives in my head and say, 'you can't bite me anymore.' People who are mean-spirited and hurt people for whatever reason, especially the ones closest to them usually do it to mask layers of hurt inside themselves. Try to forgive her for lacking the introspective capacity to see that about herself. No one on this earth has the power to determine your worth BUT you. Good luck and keep posting and we're here to help encourage you! 3
Author Under The Radar Posted October 30, 2012 Author Posted October 30, 2012 PYTpisces, Thank you very much for your response. I really appreciate having a place like LS to come to. You are right, I was emotionally abused, and from time to time I still hear her voice in my head, beating me down. I am getting better, but I still yell at myself every single day for being so weak. I hope, in the future, I have the guts to stand up for myself if I'm being mistreated. I never knew how much power there is in walking. Unfortunately, I didn't have the self-esteem at the time to understand that. To this day I'm still embarrassed
Pyro Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 How do I do it? I've been NC for almost 18 months, but everyday I still remember how I begged, pleaded, and cried at the end. I ate everyone of her breadcrumbs and it greatly impacted my ability to let go at the time. My healing was delayed almost a year because I took to heart everything she ever said to me. I truly believed I was the worst boyfriend on the planet and was consumed with guilt. I accepted every one of her projections like they were facts. Of course, now I realize the demise of the relationship wasn't all my fault. Nevertheless, I cannot get over the fact that I agreed with every one of her comments until the bitter end. My self worth was linked to her external validation of me. I see that now; the smoke has dissipated and I'm thinking clearly. I would just go along with whatever it was she said for fear of getting dumped. All this time later, I still look in the mirror everyday I wake up and I see this doormat. I'm so completely disgusted with myself. I never stood up to her and even agreed with all of her accusations that I wasn't a good boyfriend. I never got to yell back at her or say that she was wrong. I just sat there and took it How can I learn to forgive myself? I know I was a good boyfriend. Sure, I made mistakes, but I was not a bad boyfriend. So why can't I let go when my brain knows I wasn't the world's worst boyfriend? You forgive yourself by using it as a learning experience and grow from it and never let it happen again. I was in your shoes in my first relationship. I promise that things get better. 1
PYTpisces Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 I hear you. I don't like the word weak.. I like the word wounded better... Don't be embarrassed, maybe you too have underlying emotional things to dig out of you to help you get on track with self esteem? Ever thought of seeking therapy? There's no shame in it. I do. It helps me to feel at least behind the wheel of my my life despite rocky terrain. it also takes real work to replace the negative voices in ur head with just yours, and the positive self-loving you. Lottttts of practice it doesn't work overnight
Author Under The Radar Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 You forgive yourself by using it as a learning experience and grow from it and never let it happen again. I was in your shoes in my first relationship. I promise that things get better. Thanks Pyro - I already promised myself I'll never let it happen again.
Author Under The Radar Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 I hear you. I don't like the word weak.. I like the word wounded better... Don't be embarrassed, maybe you too have underlying emotional things to dig out of you to help you get on track with self esteem? Ever thought of seeking therapy? There's no shame in it. I do. It helps me to feel at least behind the wheel of my my life despite rocky terrain. it also takes real work to replace the negative voices in ur head with just yours, and the positive self-loving you. Lottttts of practice it doesn't work overnight I never thought my self-esteem was low, but during the course of the relationship it definitely took a steep nose dive. I am just thankful we didn't have children or end up married. Only now can I see how much worse it could have been; I actually got off very lucky. I went out with several women after that and realized I wasn't ready to date. I met some really nice girls, but my head was still a mess and I had no confidence. I did partake in therapy for the last 2 years I was with her (because I was so depressed due to her brow beating me). I went faithfully for about 6 month afterwards and realized I needed to continue the healing process on my own. My therapist understood that our time had run its course and my healing needed to continue by myself. I have read countless books and posts too. 2
PYTpisces Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 Keep soldiering on. We're rooting for you, and it will get better, even if you have a hard time finding the light at the end of this tunnel. Be blessed 1
carhill Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 How to forgive yourself for being a doormat? View the experience as being a positive life lesson. Good intentions taken to excess. Dial back the excess and carry on. In the realm of life, there are a lot worse things that could happen to one than being unhealthily generous and loving to inappropriate and incompatible people. Good luck. 7
River Rain Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 How do I do it? I've been NC for almost 18 months, but everyday I still remember how I begged, pleaded, and cried at the end. I ate everyone of her breadcrumbs and it greatly impacted my ability to let go at the time. My healing was delayed almost a year because I took to heart everything she ever said to me. I truly believed I was the worst boyfriend on the planet and was consumed with guilt. I accepted every one of her projections like they were facts. Of course, now I realize the demise of the relationship wasn't all my fault. Nevertheless, I cannot get over the fact that I agreed with every one of her comments until the bitter end. My self worth was linked to her external validation of me. I see that now; the smoke has dissipated and I'm thinking clearly. I would just go along with whatever it was she said for fear of getting dumped. All this time later, I still look in the mirror everyday I wake up and I see this doormat. I'm so completely disgusted with myself. I never stood up to her and even agreed with all of her accusations that I wasn't a good boyfriend. I never got to yell back at her or say that she was wrong. I just sat there and took it How can I learn to forgive myself? I know I was a good boyfriend. Sure, I made mistakes, but I was not a bad boyfriend. So why can't I let go when my brain knows I wasn't the world's worst boyfriend? I went along with everything too, even took the blame for the meltdown of our relationship, apologized, pleaded...I was a complete doormat, for fear, like you, of being dumped. I was a good girlfriend and I know it. As others have said, you use it as a learning experience and don't let it happen ever again. People come into our lives for a reason, your ex has taught you that you deserve better, than you are NOT a bad boyfriend, and that you need to stand up for yourself more - even if you're afraid of being dumped. How do you forgive? It's hard to do that. You just have to keep reminding yourself about your good qualities. Your self-esteem took a hit, so you have to rebuild it. 1
Emilia Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 Sometimes when you first experience the hurt and anger others can unleash on you, it takes you by so much surprise that it takes you a while to realise that they are wrong and you are right. Sometimes you just believe what others tell you or falsely think there is something to fight for. Sometimes you believe - especially when you are younger - that everything can be worked out with enough effort and you take the task on yourself. It's a learning curve, you will recognise incompatibility signs much sooner with experience 2
Author Under The Radar Posted November 1, 2012 Author Posted November 1, 2012 Carhill, You are so right - I appreciate you giving some much needed perspective. Things can and could have been much worse for me. Thank you.
Author Under The Radar Posted November 1, 2012 Author Posted November 1, 2012 River Rain, I can really empathize with your post and I am sorry you have suffered too. I have become almost paranoid of becoming a doormat in the future. I review past scenarios with her in my head, almost daily, and coach myself as to how I'd respond NOW versus how I did THEN. You are right that standing up for yourself is more important than the relationship coming to an end. Thanks again 1
Author Under The Radar Posted November 1, 2012 Author Posted November 1, 2012 Emilia, Thank you so much for your kind words and support. I spent a YEAR after the breakup asking everyone who knew me if I was a good boyfriend. I honestly didn't know at the time because of my confusion. They all told me yes, but it took me till now to see it. Although it has only been 18 months I feel like it took me 5 years to escape the self-loathing. It was definitely a huge learning experience and one I'll never forget. I just wish I could have learned these lessons at 22 instead of 38!
River Rain Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 River Rain, I can really empathize with your post and I am sorry you have suffered too. I have become almost paranoid of becoming a doormat in the future. I review past scenarios with her in my head, almost daily, and coach myself as to how I'd respond NOW versus how I did THEN. You are right that standing up for yourself is more important than the relationship coming to an end. Thanks again Well, I just took my own advice to be honest. I actually reconciled with the ex last week. We agreed to daily phone calls. He's visiting his daughter, 2 hours away from his place, emailed me tonight saying he forgot his phone at home. Part of me is cringing inside, thinking he's not being honest. The old doormat me would have said okay, talk to you in a few days, then cried my eyes out and fallen into the old "what did I do now" routine. So I emailed him telling him exactly how I felt, that I was having trust issues because of our history. So I stood up for myself, and I'm scared. Like you I'm trying to respond differently NOW with him than I used to. Scary stuff though.
Author Under The Radar Posted November 1, 2012 Author Posted November 1, 2012 I completely understand. I'm glad to hear you are not going to be a doormat again. Yes, please continue to stand up for yourself. It IS better to be alone than in a toxic relationship. I wish you nothing but the best moving forward and hope your relationship works out 1
Jamesblame Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 You tried your hardest, did the best you could, and can move on knowing that you tried. Also, take the annoyance in stride and accept that you have learned something for next time.
QdB Posted November 7, 2012 Posted November 7, 2012 I did the same buddy...during the relationship and after. Agreed to be her friend and basically was a doormat for 2 years after break up. In her mind everything was my fault and she could do nothing about it...the only mistake she will admit to is "staying with me for too long"...really? That makes me so upset with myself!!! I validated her decision by being her friend. I allowed her to be comfortable with me as a friend. All the while I'm getting hurt more often than I would like to admit...she was my first love. Never thought I could love someone like that...never thought someone could make me feel so unappreciated and heartbroken...never suffered from low self esteem and a shaken confidence before her... I will NEVER allow a person to have power over me like that again...smh I never want to speak to her again and it's not an emotional decision. I HAVE to do what's best for me and that's moving forward as if she died...strong words I know but absolutely necessary. I hope you feel the same buddy
mishy Posted November 11, 2012 Posted November 11, 2012 I never knew how much power there is in walking. I LOVE this.
taya Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 I completely understand. I'm glad to hear you are not going to be a doormat again. Yes, please continue to stand up for yourself. It IS better to be alone than in a toxic relationship. I wish you nothing but the best moving forward and hope your relationship works out aww i just saw this post you made ..its really sad you sound like such a hansome and a great guy that girl miss out ..just dont let any woman treat you like that again and we all mad mistake we just have to learn from them we all have been in your shoe some way or another so let it go move on dont let this happen again
Author Under The Radar Posted November 13, 2012 Author Posted November 13, 2012 You tried your hardest, did the best you could, and can move on knowing that you tried. Also, take the annoyance in stride and accept that you have learned something for next time. I did, indeed, learn ... the hard way. Thank you for your kind words and support.
Author Under The Radar Posted November 13, 2012 Author Posted November 13, 2012 I did the same buddy...during the relationship and after. Agreed to be her friend and basically was a doormat for 2 years after break up. In her mind everything was my fault and she could do nothing about it...the only mistake she will admit to is "staying with me for too long"...really? That makes me so upset with myself!!! I validated her decision by being her friend. I allowed her to be comfortable with me as a friend. All the while I'm getting hurt more often than I would like to admit...she was my first love. Never thought I could love someone like that...never thought someone could make me feel so unappreciated and heartbroken...never suffered from low self esteem and a shaken confidence before her... I will NEVER allow a person to have power over me like that again...smh I never want to speak to her again and it's not an emotional decision. I HAVE to do what's best for me and that's moving forward as if she died...strong words I know but absolutely necessary. I hope you feel the same buddy Thanks for your post. I am sorry for what you went through. I can feel your suffering just through the words you posted. I will never allow a person to have that much power over me again, too. Best of luck in your journey to fully heal.
Author Under The Radar Posted November 13, 2012 Author Posted November 13, 2012 I LOVE this. Thanks Mishy. Such a simple statement, but so very true.
Author Under The Radar Posted November 13, 2012 Author Posted November 13, 2012 aww i just saw this post you made ..its really sad you sound like such a hansome and a great guy that girl miss out ..just dont let any woman treat you like that again and we all mad mistake we just have to learn from them we all have been in your shoe some way or another so let it go move on dont let this happen again Hey Taya, Thanks for taking the time to post. It's been 18 months NC and I've come a long way. I still look in the mirror somedays and have to silently curse myself out. I am still angry for not standing up for myself - even at the very end of the relationship. I actually agreed with all of the bull**** that came out of her mouth because I didn't want to lose her. Hindsight really is 20/20. I can honestly say I will never make that mistake again. I appreciate your kind words . Take care, Josh 1
taya Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 aww your welcome and 18 months of nc wow nice that shows how strong you are your doing really great so have she tryed to contact you in the 18 months ??? and when ever you think you could have said something tell your self this whats done is done the past is the past.... she will try to do this again to another guy and he will put her in her place truse me
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