Author 21flames Posted November 1, 2012 Author Posted November 1, 2012 I think he's either too immature to see he has a real problem, or too proud, or too much of a coward to admit he has a problem. So at the end of the day he will never be truly happy, he expects that someone will make him happy but doesn't seem to understand that he has to be happy with himself first. I just know that it was never about me. It was always him, and it always will be him. He will never find the happiness he's looking for until he finds it within himself, and I doubt he ever will. He used to tell me all the time that he has a lot of "demons" and I never understood what he meant. Now I get it. As much as I hate him, I actually feel sorry for him, and I think one day that hate will just be replaced with feeling so incredibly bad for him. Knowing he's so lost in the world. I know one day I'll meet the guy I'm meant to be with in a marriage, and I will progress into an adult mature relationship and I will get engaged and married and have kids, and my life will always be a progression. He will always remain in the same stagnant place. All of that is so true, these people are just 'lost' and I doubt they will ever find themselves. She would never talk about anything she really thought about herself or problems, so I think she is in even more denial than he is but she didn't totally emotionally abuse me and make me feel so low as he did you! ( don't get me wrong she made me feel real low all through the relationship, especially the last 9 months ) It's like one minute I hate her then I feel sorry for her, then I feel really angry, then I wonder what she is doing, will she ever change, then hate her again, the cycle just keeps going on.
Author 21flames Posted November 1, 2012 Author Posted November 1, 2012 And there's the old saying 'You have to love yourself for someone else to love you' But this never rings true, cause these people don't love there selves because like you said they can't be alone to find themselves and work on there demons. But it is so easy to get taken in by a person like this and fall in love with them.
Author 21flames Posted November 1, 2012 Author Posted November 1, 2012 Just remembered the first week or so when I was all over the place I said in a text ' You made me believe it was me you wanted to be with and loved' and she replied It was but the nice you, well nobody is completely nice all the time, maybe in the first 6 months and especially not after having to put up with her lies, denial, games and bullsh*t after that.
KatZee Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 And there's the old saying 'You have to love yourself for someone else to love you' But this never rings true, cause these people don't love there selves because like you said they can't be alone to find themselves and work on there demons. But it is so easy to get taken in by a person like this and fall in love with them. It definitely is easy to get caught up by these people because they're like chameleons. They try to blend in and be what the other person wants them to be. Like, my ex was a completely superficial person. He never really connected on a deeper level, he just did what he thought was expected of him as a boyfriend figure. It's easy to fall for it and to think it's real. I was blinded for a long time. When I finally was away from him I realized how truly shallow our relationship had been. We never talked about a future, we never talked about hopes dreams wishes wants. I was always insecure to act like myself... I'm not bitter though, and I'm hopeful that one day I'll find real love. I just have no clue where to find it or how it will even find me. haha.
Author 21flames Posted November 1, 2012 Author Posted November 1, 2012 It definitely is easy to get caught up by these people because they're like chameleons. They try to blend in and be what the other person wants them to be. Like, my ex was a completely superficial person. He never really connected on a deeper level, he just did what he thought was expected of him as a boyfriend figure. It's easy to fall for it and to think it's real. I was blinded for a long time. When I finally was away from him I realized how truly shallow our relationship had been. We never talked about a future, we never talked about hopes dreams wishes wants. I was always insecure to act like myself... I'm not bitter though, and I'm hopeful that one day I'll find real love. I just have no clue where to find it or how it will even find me. haha. That's exactly how I felt and we didn't discuss that, it was thrown back in my face that I was the one that didn't want to settle down etc. It's hard to think it was such a shallow relationship but it was not mine or your causing. I'm sure you will find it and me too, it's just hard when you convinced yourself that you already did just to look back and think they never really did feel like that and you where used and wasted all your time, effort etc and let them into your heart. It is said though that if you go looking for it it dosen't happen or work out. I think that these early stages are raw and I won't get into a relationship without being sure it's with the right person. It should just happen out the blue, you shouldn't have to go trying to find it.
Under The Radar Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 Yup. Again, it's like you're talking about my ex. He went from a six year relationship and jumped right to me. Instead of being single and healing from that, he got into something with me that lasted almost three years, and before leaving me, he met someone at his new job and jumped right to that! That "relationship" or whatever it was ended a while ago, it didn't even last one month before it exploded in his face. He actually texted me some horrible stuff the day he made it official with her. I looked at the calendar of events, and he finally told me to "lose his number" and "have a nice life, this is the last text I'll be sending you." Really? After I loved him and stood by him through everything for almost three years that's what he tells me? To make a long story short I basically told him to go f.uck himself. That he was nothing to me but a bad memory and I regretted ever meeting him. (harsh, but all completely true for me.) Not even a month later I find out that their "thing" was over, and she actually had deleted him and all his friends from her FB account. I would give ANYTHING to know what happened. I hope he feels stupid as s.hit. Telling the woman he apparently "loved" for almost three years to have a nice life, all with the comfort of knowing that he had a new girlfriend... and then woops! It's gone! HAHAHAHAHA stupid jerkoff. I hate him so much and I hope Karma continues wooping his a.ss. He never tried to make it work with me. EVER. Even when we had small problems he never felt it necessary to do the work, or adjust his behavior, or try. It was always me. Always me that needed to change, and sacrifice. He took from me and took from me. If you've ever read the book "The Giving Tree" by Shel Silverstein... that was me. The faithful tree, while the selfish, self-absorbed boy continues to take and take and take until that tree is nothing but a damn sad stump. At the end of my relationship, that's what I was. A hallow, short stump of what used to be something beautiful. I was tired. I had nothing left to give. I felt used up and abused. I lost myself. I felt like nothing. And still I would have given up everything for him. I realized once he left how much brighter my life got. No more anxiety. No more sleepless nights. He was like a dark cloud hanging over my life and the second he was gone those clouds parted and the sun came out. I didn't realize how truly unhappy he made me, how much I had given of myself, and how much of myself I lost until he finally left. The greatest gift he ever gave me, was finally leaving. He was a poison in my life. Not to derail this thread, but your analogy with the giving tree described my last relationship experience to a tee 2
Sameold Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 But you say it was down to her new friends ( guy really ), job, ect . Don't think that thing are always that simple. My ex is with a guy shes known since jan and we split in May, he is shorter than me, has a big nose etc. The whole fabric of our relationship changed, dumpers nearly always get with someone else soon after the bu as its safer than being single and to a degree compensates the loss. It doesn't mean the other person is better, often they are just there picking up the peices of a screwed up mind like vultures. She became arrogant and resentful of our situation, it meant she had to work lots harder than she is now and now she finally has a group of friends (she hasn't had a solid group since uni). Sometimes people and circumstances just change too drastically and a quantum shift of priorities and lifestyle occur, we can't do much if that happens. Don't go comparing yourself to anyone she is with in future. 2
Author 21flames Posted November 1, 2012 Author Posted November 1, 2012 (edited) Don't think that thing are always that simple. My ex is with a guy shes known since jan and we split in May, he is shorter than me, has a big nose etc. The whole fabric of our relationship changed, dumpers nearly always get with someone else soon after the bu as its safer than being single and to a degree compensates the loss. It doesn't mean the other person is better, often they are just there picking up the peices of a screwed up mind like vultures. She became arrogant and resentful of our situation, it meant she had to work lots harder than she is now and now she finally has a group of friends (she hasn't had a solid group since uni). Sometimes people and circumstances just change too drastically and a quantum shift of priorities and lifestyle occur, we can't do much if that happens. Don't go comparing yourself to anyone she is with in future. That is a great statement there, all very true and your right this bloke will have a lot of pieces to pick up I tell you lol! I should know as I was the one trying to put those pieces back myself but never getting there, god that was hard work! This thread has really helped me realise I was the loving, caring one that gave my all and it was her who didn't and has serious problems. I won't compare myself to anyone she is with now, I don't want to know who it is anyway, the less I know the more I feel better, at the moment everything and person to do with her is blocked etc out of my life and I'm slowly rebuilding my self as a single man. I have good and bad days and i feel lonely sometimes as all my friends have settled down, like I was before finding myself single again but I try and focus on how unhappy, stressed etc I was the last year with her and how she was with and to me and it kind of evens out the loneliness. Bring on the Karma Edited November 1, 2012 by 21flames
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