Does depression come in different forms, colors? How does it affect?

[Kate]

I need help. I find that I am a well-balanced person until I enter a relationship. I am not sure if I enter a relationship that is unhealthy, or if in fact I make it unhealthy.

 

I have anxiety in general. Ever since I was little, I have been a worrier. I am able to maintain a very colorful and successful life, etc. I am the life of the party, the one with the smile, the pretty one the guys all want to date -- and I do have a good head on my shoulders. I think very much of myself....then I enter a relationship and all of that positivity goes right down the tubes. It doesn't matter if the guy is great or not, I worry incredibly about losing him, and then end up losing myself in the process and being too needy/clingy. I thought I had this mastered, but I don't think I do.

 

the reason I ask if it's depression manifesting itself in my relationship is because that's what it feels like -- it's the only time i feel "out of control", scared and panicky. my boyfriend and I broke up for the last 2 months and just got back together friday evening and it was unbelieveable. but then on saturday when he didn't call me back -- (and we had tentative plans he didn't confrim or call for on sunday!) i freaked out inside. i told him nicely that i don't appreciate his behavior (he has very flieghty behavior, i know this is something i either accept or leave, i know) but the whole day i was panicking inside. i was panicking over and over...i couldn't eat all day long and couldn't sleep. it's like he was my only focus. i had my phone turned off and don't want to talk to anyone. i was panicking because i was unsure and partially resenting my behavior.

 

i get completely emotionally spun in relationships. i get scared as hell. m boyfriend is very even keeled, steady and not as analytical as i am. his steadiness and confidence is what attracted me, but it also makes me feel unstable. i accept his flaws because i love him, but i wonder how much i should accept versus how much i should overreact and so forth. i also ask if this is depression because how could another person make you feel so scared?? for the 2 months we broke up i obsessed over it daily. i would never do anything crazy like hurt myself, but i have been engaging in self-destructive behavior -- drinking a LOT, smoking cigarrettes (which i never did before). i feel horrible about myself and have no reason to.

 

i wake up early in the morning and sometimes have trouble falling asleep and then STAYING asleep at night. i have been like this on and off my whole life, especially when something is bothering me. if my boyfriend isn't totally steady and consistent, i FREAK OUT. i feel that my behavior toward him -- my loving validation and emotional love i give to him -- is very consistent. he is emotionally more independent than me and i wonder if i just enable him to be consistent....? because he knows i won't leave??

 

i need to fix this because i know deep down that it's going to be there with the next person i am with. i also know deep down that my current boyfriend is the first person who has triggered my issues to THIS degree -- i have never felt so scared in a relationship in my life -- i'm 25 and have had one 4 year relationship -- the other ones ended within 6 months. so i feel like i really want balance and consistency but i need to find my own peace of mind.

 

i feel weak and that i can't cope with anything. i'm scared about losing my job -- i have already missed days for mental health problems, where i seriously want to do nothing but obsess in my mind and sit on my couch. my boyfriend doesn't know the extent of these issues at ALL and i don't want him to. but i have pushed him away from me..before he was more available to me, etc., but now he's more distant. i know he wants to be with me or he simply wouldn't...but i can't straighten out in my head of it's all me or if he is just a really bad pick for me. i feel like he's making me nuts without realizing it. he has been my most sharp crucible yet in terms of a significant other. maybe it's THAT that attracts me to him so much? maybe i am sickly attracted to his avoidant behavior? i just can't seem to figure this one out ... is it him or me that's making me this way? ( i know, it's me...).

 

to get to the point i am at right now - not wanting to go to work, not caring how my life is affected at the moment -- is bad news. i know this. i can't perform at my new job.

 

another reason i ask is this depression is because i can't think of anything else in life that makes me motivated right now. i don't want to spend time with my other friends -- the thought just depresses me. i feel like my heart is beating out of control and that i may have a heart attack. i thought i was having one all night my chest was so tight. last night i told my boyfriend how anxious i felt and asked him to please stay with me...he said he had to leave and do laundry! i told him "please, just stay with me....i really would like you to" ( i avoid using "need"...) and he still left. he is definitely not as devoted as my previous boyfriends have been. is it him or me doing this to me, then? why wouldn't he just stay with me and take care of me?

 

please, opinions. i need help and don't know how i'm going to make it through the day. and the fact that i have been self-destructive lately scares me. i feel like i could go off the deep end at any second. HELP.

[Kate]

and another bad thing is this -- if all is right with my boyfriend, if he is not being avoidant and flieghty, all is right in the world for me. this is scary and stupid, i know. but it's true.

 

also, i have felt a little empty and lost withOUT a man in my life. i have battled feelings of depression in the past that had nothing to do with someone's behavior. that's why i don't want to end this relationship until i can fix myself and sort things out properly in my mind. i would probably be a perfect candidate for an abusive relationship right now! i feel like i can't breathe until i get a call from my boyfriend -- by the way, i only get like this when he doesn't call me back. or if we have tentative plans and he doesn't call. and i especially feel this way when he is distant.

 

HELP

[moimeme]

It doesn't sound like depression. There has been a lot of research done on attachment styles. The theory behind it is that people develop attachment styles based on their early relationships with their parents. Your behaviour sounds like the 'anxious' type of attachment style.

 

Anxiously attached people, on the other hand, had a desire to merge with another. Their relationships were characterized by clinging and neediness, as the partner’s responsiveness was uncertain. Self worth was low and the partner was often idealized. A number of subsequent studies have supported Hazan and Shaver’s analysis of attachment history and working models (Collins and Read 1990; Hazan and Shaver 1987; Mikilincer and Nachshon 1991).

http://www.uiowa.edu/~grpproc/crisp/crisp.7.11.htm

 

Here's a quiz to help you figure out your attachment style

http://psychcentral.com/romancequiz.htm

 

There is therapy for this which helps you resolve the unmet needs you have left over from the early part of your life so that you can relate better in your love relationships.

[Kate]

i'll read these links.

 

you may be right -- when i am single and my life is somewhat steady, i am great. i socialize all of the time, work out, etc. i don't do drugs, but overdo drinking at times.

 

why doesn't it sound like depression to you? my mom suffers from depression and so did my aunt on my dad's side...

[Kate]

another thing is this -- the second he does ANYTHING that i see as rejection...anything at all...i freak out inside. i get sweaty, nervous and panicky. he doesn't know this -- at all. he just thinks that i get hung up on things and that i should see a doctor for my anxiety.

 

i worry that i will be too much for him to handle and that he will want to leave me.

 

i have horrible past issues with my mother who always rejected me. she was never emotionally or mentally present, but was physically and thought that her attending important events for me and so forth was being a good mom. i know i have deep wounds that come from my relationship with her, but i don't think my dad (who is divorced from her) thinks that is true. he thinks that there is a way to fix everything and that there is a reason for everything and that you can simply choose to be happy or unhappy. but he didn't have a bad relationship with EITHER of his parents. they both loved him dearly.

 

i can't explain what i am feeling. i DO idealize my boyfriend -- for his stability and ability to do what is right for him. i talked to him at great length yesterday over some behavior that bothered me -- him not returning a phone call, and then not calling me when i thougt we had plans. (they were loose). he does not have a clue as to his behavior, which he is trying to acknowledge, and i suppose this is good because it is not intentional.

 

my boyfriend said that he is scared and feels like he is walking on egg shells because the next time he does something i could end up having a panic attack or something. he has become a complete addiction for me and i need to get some help.

 

do you know anyone with this problem?

[moimeme]

Kate. Read the links, please. In fact, the history with your mother probably caused the way you relate to the bf, which is what the first link explains. It isn't just depression - those behaviours are not really depressive, particularly if you don't have them when you're not in a relationship. The information you want is right there before you. Check it out.

[Kate]

thanks, i have read through a bunch of them. but my head is spinning and my fears are heavy. what if my bf leaves me? why do i keep pushing him away?

 

he is avoidant attached, i am anxious attached. is it possible for those two personalities to ever ever work things out??