Minadee Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum so excuse me if I make any mistakes! Me and my boyfriend were together for two years. He was my first love and although we challenged eachother a lot we never strayed and were madly in love & everything was wonderful. Last november (2011) we had a big fight and I suggested going on a break. He was needy and texted me constantly crying and begging for another chance but I wanted to move on as he had hurt me too much. I eventually moved on and got with two different blokes but all I could think about was him. I asked him for another chance but he told me no and that was the way it was going to stay. Two months later on his birthday I went around his and we ended up having sex and becoming friends with benefits for a while as I was still single. As the months passed he told me he loved me and asked me out a lot, but I was too afraid of being hurt to say yes. He is convinced it was because I was keeping my options open, which was not the case. He took me away on holiday, bought me anything I wanted, craved my attention constantly. Eventually we started arguing all the time, and after his last attempt at asking me out he stopped trying. Five months on, we argued all the time because it was always me making the effort and I was desperate for him to ask me out again as I wanted to be with him. I gave him a week and told him to make a decision or I would leave forever. To my utter horror he said we should move on. I was so upset and went to his crying and begging and losing all my dignity. I told him I want to be with him but he told me he isnt happy anymore and wants me to move on from him, despite telling me he loves me. He recently tore his hamstring and I went over straight away with a bag of all his favourite things and I felt so sure I was making him happy. He is so different when I am with him, he cuddles me and we make love so passionatley and he tells me he loves me all the time. Then the second I leave his house he blanks me, never talks to me or makes any arrangements. Now, pretty much 11 months after he left me the first time he has left me again. I am totally crushed and my self esteem is non existant, i'm finally ready to be with him and i'm too late. he always told me he loved me and would never let me go and that one day he would make me his wife. Two weeks after he left me I found out I was pregnant and he held me close and told me he'd support me through the abortion as I'm in no financial state to raise a child. I don't know what to do, I know he speaks to a lot of other girls and the thought of him with someone else is so painful i'm tearing up just thinking about it. He says we'll get the baby thing "sorted", but I'm having second thoughts, but he thinks i'm trying to scare him or spite him because he left me. I'm so crushed and feel so un-attractive and undesirable, like I'm not worth fighting for. He is coming over for dinner tomorrow, (my idea as we need to talk about the pregnancy) but it was after a lot of persuasion to get him to come! i don't know what to do :/ I feel like I have blown every chance at using the NC rule. Please no negativity! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Minadee Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 okay well that failed miserable. spent all f'ing day cooking and running around after him. He hardly ate any of it because he "wasnt hungry" i dressed up really sexy with suspenders and he barley touched me, told me he wasn't going to have sex with me as "friends dont have sex" and I cried and he said "you shouldn't be begging me" and I felt so humilated. I told him my thoughts on the baby and he called me crazy and said he would have no part of it. I feel so isolated and cried and lost even the tiniest shrivel of dignity I had. As he was in his car he had his head in his hands on the steering wheel and I ran over and was crying looking pathetic and he rolled down his window and kissed my cheek and drove off. I crumpled on the floor and was sick everywhere from crying so hard. I dont know what to do, I have never felt so alone. Link to post Share on other sites
River Rain Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 I don't want to kick you when you're down. He basically sounds like for a while there, he knew you would have sex with him so he said whatever he had to in order to fulfill his own needs. He probably cares for you on some level though, but not enough to make you his girlfriend anymore. You resisted him so much when he wanted to get more serious that he gave up. Everyone has a breaking point, he decided to stop chasing you. Now the cat and mouse game restarts and you want him back. You seemed fine having your FWB relationship when he was chasing you, but then he stopped, so you became desperate. All the begging and crying and trying to talk babies...that's a desperate pathetic way of trying to hold on - and I'm saying that matter of factually, you already know this. This is a huge turnoff to guys, and to girls when the tables are turned. I'm sorry you feel so bad, but you need to stay away from him and work on your self-esteem and your own happiness for a while. If it's meant to be, it's not going to happen out of desperation. It'll happen when each of you has finally moved away from the negative emotions and got yourselves in a place of healing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Minadee Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 You're not kicking me at all, It's brutal but I need to hear it. I have had some tough love from a friend and will try not to contact him anymore. It's just a hard situation because of the baby thing. I stupidly went over his to talk and he was so mad and drove me home and i broke down in the car and he told me I couldnt come over his anymore. This breaks my heart as I love his family as much as I love my own and the thought of him bringing another girl home literally breaks my heart, I am trying to compose myself as I type but it is such a painful thought. I'm going to try and get fitter to regain my self esteem and let the dust settle. I think I could write the handbook on "What things you should do to ensure your ex runs a mile!" Link to post Share on other sites
River Rain Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 I'm going to try and get fitter to regain my self esteem and let the dust settle. I think I could write the handbook on "What things you should do to ensure your ex runs a mile!" You poor thing, you got emotional and panicked. Listen, you know what you have to do. Forgive yourself for that behaviour and take care of you now. I know you're in a tough position, but in the end, it's all about you. And don't torture yourself thinking that he's bringing home other women. As you said, let the dust settle for a while, and let him make the next contact if he wants to. You don't want to push anymore. Nobody wants a shriveling mess right? Get yourself together, like you said, get fit, keep busy, work on hobbies, distract yourself and try to move on. You never know what the future will bring. My ex dumped me back in September. I was very desperate for the 3 weeks prior, it's a long story, but I kind of begged at one point. I HATE myself for doing that, but I forgave myself and moved on, started to work on me, began to be more social with new guys, got out for walks...didn't put life on hold as it were. Things changed so suddenly, we're back together. But we could only have that mature conversation about reconciliation once we were both past the initial hurt and emotion. It took a month of no contact for both of us to get there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Minadee Posted October 31, 2012 Author Share Posted October 31, 2012 I do feel humilated but I have calmed down a lot now, I feel good and in control again. I will let him talk to me next and will now focus on my hobbies, my fitness and my family. I don't have a lot of self esteem at the moment but I'm sure that will get better in time. I don't know if he will ever want me back, he says he loves me and will always love me but he is very immature and I think the NC will drive him crazy. As my friend said, he has all the power currently when really it should be me, as he was initially begging for me back. It sucks because we have been together nearly three years now and this will be the second christmas we havn't spent together! I am going to block the thought of him bringing girls home because that thought is too painful and I cannot deal with it right now. I'm just going to hope these next few weeks go quickly and I can hopefully feel a lot better. He just texted me saying "I can't do this anymore, I'm just breaking down" and "Im fed up. I dont eat, hardly sleep, cant live like this! I wanna be happy! and Im going to go wild tonight, dont even care. Have a good night whatever your doing!" which to me is a little glimmer that he still loves me as he is not a guy that expresses how he's feeling. When i was breaking down about the baby he just didn't seem interested, so I feel good knowing he cares. I don't know *long sigh* see what the future brings I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
River Rain Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 Good plan. Try not to reply to his texts at all. It sets you up for him to ignore them, and you will be left sitting and waiting with false hope. If, during the time you go NC, he wants to talk, insist on a phone call or in person. And listen, my 45-year old bf was very immature, especially emotionally. But the month apart matured him very quickly and I was very surprised. It's like a complete 180. But to be fair, I assumed it was 100% over and wasn't even looking to reconcile. That's how you have to keep going, as though it's completely over. Be strong! Oh, btw, fitness is a great idea...it helps your mood and your sleep too. Link to post Share on other sites
The_Face Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 Wait.. so what about the baby? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Minadee Posted November 1, 2012 Author Share Posted November 1, 2012 We have come to the mutual agreement about the abortion. It's not something I'd ever expected as we were always careful. But he's right, my thoughts about keeping it are not fair as they would be to just keep him, and that is not an excuse to bring a life into the world. We're sorting it monday and then I'll try no contact for a while. He texted me late last night saying that he had come home early from the bar as he couldn't drink, which makes me think he's guilty for what he is putting me through. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Minadee Posted November 1, 2012 Author Share Posted November 1, 2012 How do i keep up this no contact lark?! :'( it's been three hours and it's driving me insane already! I am so used to him talking to me and telling me about his day or moaning about the footy scores. Last year it was alright as I had other guys to focus on dating but I stopped talking to my male friends long ago to prove to him I wanted to be with him and only him! My heart is breaking, I really thought I was calm and collected and could do this and he would come back to me but this is so hard! We both have a week off work and i'm thinking of all the things we'd be doing if we were together such as visiting resteraunts or having crappy movie days or having dinnr with his parents and having a big laugh. This hurts so much, I literally can't cry anymore! Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 How do i keep up this no contact lark?! :'( it's been three hours and it's driving me insane already! I am so used to him talking to me and telling me about his day or moaning about the footy scores. Last year it was alright as I had other guys to focus on dating but I stopped talking to my male friends long ago to prove to him I wanted to be with him and only him! My heart is breaking, I really thought I was calm and collected and could do this and he would come back to me but this is so hard! We both have a week off work and i'm thinking of all the things we'd be doing if we were together such as visiting resteraunts or having crappy movie days or having dinnr with his parents and having a big laugh. This hurts so much, I literally can't cry anymore! It is going to drive you insane. There is no way around it. Try to keep busy and distract yourself. Don't sit around and dwell. Almost like an addict breaking an addiction, this is the same. You have an attachment to him and breaking that is hard. You're going through what every dumpee goes through. It's going to get worse before it gets any better. Seek your friends and family for support. Come here and vent. Just don't reach out to him. He is your pain, not your comfort. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SerCay Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 Hi M, I'm sorry to hear this I guess all dumpees have been at where you are right now.. Me in that situation, I stayed indoors eating pizza, reading articles on love addiction and watching movies all day, for about 5 weeks. It wasn't until I found out about love addiction that I realised I should change and be happy with me first. See, your desperation right now is not because you fear loneliness without him, it's because you feel rejected and your ego can't cope. Not without substitute for it. Reject always always come hard on a person. It's why he chased you when you were taking it easy and it is why you are chasing him now he rejects you. Just remember it's all in your head. Once you;ve learned to let go of the reject and ego thing, you will see it will be a lot lot easier for you! Best of luck..hope it helps a bit 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Minadee Posted November 1, 2012 Author Share Posted November 1, 2012 Thankyou everyone for your support, is makes me feel so much calmer reading your reseponces and knowing someone out there cares about how I feel! you are all going to be really mad but i couldnt even make 6 hours! Had a glass of wine at the resteraunt I was at with my girflriends and "our song" (smh) came on and I had to wipe tears away very subtly. I then texted him telling him that he was all i could think about and he replied saying "why is that? :/" and i replied telling him our song was on and how I couldn't do this, and he joked saying "ie the oldest song in the world but Jasmin you need to be happy" and I just broke down. Everyone looked at me sympathetically because they know not to mention the situation with him because there isnt anything anyone can say. My best friend said "he'll come crawling back" but I really don't think he will this time! I took him and his friendship for granted and now Im back at my house and so alone. Even my dog has had enough of my wails haha! I am not coping very well with this, the pregnancy is causing immense pressure on my hips and I have chronic nerve damage in both of them after a diving accident 5 years ago, and he was the only I felt like I could talk to about it, because he always challenged me to not let it get to me. My family and friends are supportive but no one inspired me like he did. I can't talk to anyone else about my hips either, because it is something that doesn't go away and I hate the feeling that I am going on and on about it. I have had three operations on them, including un-tangling the nerves (my doctor said they were so messed up it took over 5 hours) and regular steroid injections directly into the nerves which is excruciating, and now there is nothing more they can do and I have no one to talk to about it. I hate to sound so weak and pathetic because usually I'm very independant but I feel like I have lost him for good. I don't know what to do with myself Link to post Share on other sites
River Rain Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 Don't go drinking first of all. And also, stay away from sad music. I know you had no control over what was playing, but maybe it's good to avoid those kinds of places for now until you can get it together. Write a list of the triggers that make you want to contact him, then write a counter list of what you'll do instead and/or how you'll avoid them. You really have to conduct yourself as though it's 100% over. If down the line, things change, then great, but for now, work on yourself. Let yourself cry and grieve, talk about your hips here! Do something good for yourself every day. Keep distracted. It's not going to feel better overnight, you have to let yourself feel the hurt, sadness, despair, rejection, anger...so that you can release it and be able to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Minadee Posted November 1, 2012 Author Share Posted November 1, 2012 I didnt think one glass would do me any harm but I am the world's biggest lightweight, i should have known better! That is a really good idea with the list, do you think I should start NC now, despite seeing him on monday? Everytime my brain says "don't text him" my heart says "maybe he'll see how much you love him and come back" of course he didnt, he probably just thinks I'm some sad woman who can't live without him. When he told me he was breaking down last night, in some sick sense I felt happy, because he has been so emotionless regarding this whole scenario. I just feel like i'm in some nightmare and that soon i'll wake up and I can rewind to march when he took me away on holiday. I sent him a text saying "I mean it! I know you think i am a weak and pathetic loser after how i've been acting but this is getting too much to handle! I am constantly in pain with my hips and you were the one who challenged me to not let it ruin my life! I fel like I have not only lost someone I love more than words but my best friend who protected me when I was afraid, comforted me when I cried and inspired me when I felt like the world was on my shoulders! I don't know if I can endure this pain, I thought I could but I can't!" and he replied saying "Yes you can Jasmin. This is life? Cant just give up when it gets tough! Gotta pick yourself up and prove to everyone that you can get through. You aren't alone!" to which I havn't responded. I think someone should take my phone off me lol so much for happy and carefree and mysterious! I'm just a drivelling mess, I don't blame him for not getting back with me. Link to post Share on other sites
River Rain Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 Yeah, I think you need to be disciplined and stop the contact. You just make yourself feel worse. And can I say something objectively (that you probably already know?) What you texted him seemed like you were looking for sympathy. That's not how you want to win him back. He probably wants to see a strong, confident and secure woman. And that's the type of woman you want to be, not just for him, but for yourself, and yes, you can endure this pain. We've all gone through it and look, we're still here! Most of us stronger and wiser too! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Minadee Posted November 1, 2012 Author Share Posted November 1, 2012 *big heavy sigh* I really thought today would be a lot better, I have no idea how I'm going to cope the next few months. I keep thinking "What if?" and it is making my head hurt! I am going to try and not look for sympathy because you and him are right, I need to get on with the life I have and be the woman he fell in love with three years ago! Because she was happy, thinner (!) and oozed confidence and independance, and now i'm a chubby, miserable fart! And no one wants to be with a self loathing, sympathy craving miserbale fart! Time for some changes in my life. Thankyou so much for all the advice you have given me! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Minadee Posted November 2, 2012 Author Share Posted November 2, 2012 Why is this so hard? I relapsed AGAIN this morning when I woke up at 5am with indescribable pain in my hips, i texted him, I was so terrified! He texted back telling me to go to the doctors but I was curled up in bed and didn't want to move. Eventually I had to go let the dog out, but I stayed curled up ifnront of the fire in the living room and I stayed there till about 1pm. I don't know what I was thinking but I rung him, crying about the pain I was in and he said "I don't know what you want me to do about it" and I just wanted to scream "come over and cuddle me! kiss my forehead! stroke my knuckles!!" like he used to do when I was sick but I was silent, Then he told me he had to go as he was meeting "friends" this concerns me as usually if he was going to a pub or something he'd say "the boys" and that made me feel even worse. My dad came over eventually and carried me to bed and if the pain gets worse he's taking me to hospital. I've texted him telling him that but he hasnt replied... I am feeling super low today, I really hope it doesnt get worse as a load of nurses prodding my hips is NOT what I need! ugh. All I can think about is him meeting another girl while I am lying here crying from pain. it sucks, it really really sucks Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 Please stop trying to make him care. He's showing you time and time again that he is not invested in your well-being. Yet you keep continuing to pester him hoping your pleas will instill some sort of reaction. It's not changing. It's not attractive. Please hold on to your self-respect and dignity. His lack of care should make you cringe. I would be embarassed and certainly feel disgust if I reached out to an ex, when in pain and he told me to take myself to the doctors. I'd say F U and quit the contact. You keep forcing yourself on him. Please stop. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Minadee Posted November 2, 2012 Author Share Posted November 2, 2012 I really think I needed to hear that, you couldn't be more right. He has proved that he doesnt care about how much pain i'm in, and it makes me feel sad but more disgusted. To be honest with you i don't think I have much self respect or dignity left *rolls eyes* but that is my own fault, I was just acting out of desperation and lonliness. I wont contact him again until monday (i have no choice regarding that situation) it'll be hard but i'll try, I have to or else i'm going to lose my mind. Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 I really think I needed to hear that, you couldn't be more right. He has proved that he doesnt care about how much pain i'm in, and it makes me feel sad but more disgusted. To be honest with you i don't think I have much self respect or dignity left *rolls eyes* but that is my own fault, I was just acting out of desperation and lonliness. I wont contact him again until monday (i have no choice regarding that situation) it'll be hard but i'll try, I have to or else i'm going to lose my mind. Why are you contacting him on Monday? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Minadee Posted November 2, 2012 Author Share Posted November 2, 2012 He offered to come with me about the baby situation. Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 (edited) He offered to come with me about the baby situation. If he offered then let him come to you. He knows that he needs to take you, be with you, support you. You don't need to contact him to remind him, ask him, get him to do what is right. He should be concerned enough to put the effort in without you having to contact him. Make backup plans and if he does not show up, have someone else take you. I am not trying to be mean and I am sure this is a very difficult time for you but you have to try and stop depending/clinging onto him and let him make the effort to be there for you. Edited November 2, 2012 by geegirl Link to post Share on other sites
debby Posted November 2, 2012 Share Posted November 2, 2012 I am sorry you are going through this, but let offer a bit of "baby" advice. I had an abortion when I was a teenager and at the time thought it was the right thing to do for me, and my boyfriend was pressuring me so I wanted to appease him , too. It is probably the biggest single regret of my life, and sadly I didn't know it would be until it was too late. That "too late" feeling is the worst feeling in the world, when you feel an awful loss and know that NOTHING can bring that baby back...that life who you might now feel so much anxiety about and feel you can't support, but in hindsight realize you'd move heaven and earth for another chance to have and hold your baby. I am pro-choice, but if I can spare another woman the pain, guilt, loss and PTSD I suffered from my abortion, I will somehow feel some shred of good came from my terrible decision that day. Please talk to someone objective about this. Are there so free counseling services you can look into? Good luck to you in this, and remember not to feel rushed into this decision. This is one appointment that you can't undo. Make certain 100% that YOU want to go through with this REGARDLESS of what your baby's father is feeling right now. His feelings can't be considered in your decision. A man just doesn't understand and doesn't have that parental attachment until they hold their baby in their arms. For us mothers, it is very different. Hugs to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Minadee Posted November 2, 2012 Author Share Posted November 2, 2012 I'm glad that he's taking me and will be there for me but it is now that is important. It is causing intense pain and I can't move well yet his is out there, swanning around with a load of other females. It's so unfair. All I can think about is how much I wish I had said yes 4 months ago when he was laying the world at my feet. Now i'm pregnant and alone and I feel like I wont ever be able to move on. I know how desperate and pathetic I must sound right now, but I'm so terrified, my family doesnt know about the baby and he is the only one that knows about it, not even my best friend. And to Debby, I have thought long and hard about it but I think this is the best decision. He is very immature for his age and told me straight up that he would not be there for me if I decided to keep it. I have fertility problems anyway and I broke down telling him that this 'might' be my only chance to have a child but he was adamant that he would have nothing to do with me or the child. It was like talking to a complete stranger, although I know he is just frightened. A part of me wants to scream to the world "This bastard knocked me up then left me in the trash" But I can't do that for obvious reasons and there is still a little glimmer of hope that he will get back with me in time again. :/ Link to post Share on other sites
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