This is odd to ask .

[Sasu]

I've been confused.I have lot of good friends and live in pretty much positive environment.I read much here and getting to know things but when i see posts like someone left them for other inspite of how much the first person loved them ...it just feels like is it the trend ?

 

I for one will never cheat if i get in another relation again.

I'll do everything for the person not that i need her to be happy to keep with me but i would be wanting her happy that she is with me,But what if all that cause her to feel that im needy or clingy eventually.She may feel no love or that spark for relation anymore and she may start looking outside for it and before i know it will be all over,

Then what if i doesn't do much for her and act all like a busy guy,she will feel neglected and same scenario again.

 

One of the things that just scares me now ...Um how to have a relationship ?

Thoughts -

[BetrayedH]

I've been confused.I have lot of good friends and live in pretty much positive environment.I read much here and getting to know things but when i see posts like someone left them for other inspite of how much the first person loved them ...it just feels like is it the trend ?

 

I for one will never cheat if i get in another relation again.

I'll do everything for the person not that i need her to be happy to keep with me but i would be wanting her happy that she is with me,But what if all that cause her to feel that im needy or clingy eventually.She may feel no love or that spark for relation anymore and she may start looking outside for it and before i know it will be all over,

Then what if i doesn't do much for her and act all like a busy guy,she will feel neglected and same scenario again.

 

One of the things that just scares me now ...Um how to have a relationship ?

Thoughts -

 

Let me know when you figure that one out. My marriage was a pretty good one. We just hit a normal lull from being in the middle of raising two small children while we had two professional jobs. Apparently my 18 year commitment to her wasn't enough to keep her faithful. She needed more.

 

The fact is that there are no guarantees with anyone. It's a risk. Do you take the risk knowing that you could be hurt or do you protect yourself and stay alone? Many of us here never saw infidelity coming. I might discover it sooner a second time around and I have also learned a lot about how to build a better relationship but the fact is that if someone wants to cheat, they will. You cannot "affair-proof" a relationship.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Agreed with BH but wanted to add that most things in life come down to a balancing act. That said, if your balance is off it doesn't excuse anyone's cheating.

 

One analogy that makes a lot of sense to me given what I do in RL (software)

 

Usability vs power: The more features and control the more power but the more confusing and steep the learning curve. The easier and more simple to use, the less options, flexibility, and power.

 

I had a music composition analogy as well...but it took too much explanation ^^

 

Anyway I think it's no different here. You want to be attentive, honest, and loving but not clingy, smothering, and mysteryless/boring. There's a blurry line down the middle somewhere; the *general* location is probably different for everyone. Might be good to actually talk about it with a partner BEFORE problems arise ^^

[turnera]

There are a couple of really good books that you need to read. They will teach you how to have a good life for yourself but also to be able to have a good MARRIAGE. First one, No More Mr Nice Guy. Second one, Married Man Sex Life Primer (it's not about sex, but about owning yourself and your needs, and being a complete person).

[Sasu]

Yeah ,I agree with balancing part.If i could keep balance in my life,things may actually last.

- Noone wants to play a game afterall when they have unlocked all the chapters and achievements.

 

I guess its best to educate myself some more by reading some more material.In my first & only relationship so far,I feel i got all needy and basically loved too much to not see what is happening .She ultimately stopped seeing me as a lover and all that made no sense to me that time,at least now i have little idea.

So I changed 180 degrees after reading material here and it made me feel better knowing the mistakes i made indirectly.After hearing lines directly like " He is not as good as you,but still i don't know why i love him " ,the whole idea of someone's psychology fascinated me hence i lurk around here now .

 

Don't want to lose anyone again like I did her,If love is battlefield,Ill make sure i am well equipped this time before entering into one again ^^

Edited October 31, 2012 by Sasu

[turnera]

The NMMNG book will really help you a lot. I see a lot of men get all sappy and scared and kiss-ass to girls when they date, out of fear of the girl leaving them, but that's exactly what makes girls leave them!

 

Also, you'll just learn a lot along the way. My DD22 was dating a guy last year and I overheard her telling him he can't go to this party or that event without her. I later asked her why she said that. She said 'that is what all the girls say to their boyfriends.' I asked why. She didn't know. She just assumed you aren't supposed to let them be near other girls. I asked if she assumed he would cheat on her. She said no, rather he's more into her than she is into him. So I said, 'why don't you just say don't go flirting with anyone, but have fun?' That teaches him to respect her because she is respecting him. If she treated him all like a possession, he would just go and do the same thing to her, and she admitted she didn't want HIM doing that.

 

So she learned something, right? It's just a matter of experience. Next relationship, she'll expect a level of respect and trust and if he won't give her that, she'll leave. Works both ways.

[turnera]

Another fantastic book that's more suited to long-term relationships, but still great to know now is His Needs Her Needs. It's psychology-based and is based on the theme that, if you want a great relationship, if YOU want to be treated well by your partner, make sure you are treating HER just as well. You meet her top Emotional Needs and you avoid Love Busting (hurting) her. As long as you do those things (and as long as she does the same), you're set.

[turnera]

OH, here's one more thing. This one is important. When you start dating a girl, pay close attention to her family. Girls almost always turn out just like their moms. And they bring the same toxic dysfunctions into your relationship as they grew up with. If her family sucks, chances are good, your relationship will, too.

[Sasu]

Thanks tunera ,

I will give a try to books mentioned as i really want to understand things in terms of psychology.

 

Sometimes it feels like girls want flirting type guys to love them only but when they get successful & guys decide to return the favour ,showing them their feelings of how much they love them.They freak out and lose any drive.I guess it doesn't suits men to open up ,makes them appear um weak ^^"

 

* One question which is haunting me.

 

What if the girl have most of friends who change their relationships like every week.

Someone who had an ex bf who was ex even when he loved her.One who was married and got separated.Then fell in love with someone else,dated some others more and kept the original as backup without him knowing,the role he filled successfully later on.

 

In case you haven't figured,It was one i loved.She eventually gave up on herself now saying she sucks in a relation.I tried to light her up and to give us one more chance making her believe she is a good girl but she showed me her attitude and ego,shrugging me off .

 

So its not feeling of me losing her anymore,I want her with me now as only i can understand her & make her happy.I will just be happy if she can get a loving decent guy now in her life.

Nowadays i am just worried for her to see what shes becoming daily.Its making me guilty that i stopped trying when she asked me not to try anymore to be with her,she doesn't return to previous people.But still she wanted me in her life as an ex and claimed to love me truly.I couldn't sadly as i know end of such situations & went away .

 

Its just the guilt...of giving up on someone which is messing me up,driving me to find answers ..

[turnera]

If a girl tells you that she sucks in a relationship...trust her. And avoid her. Most dysfunctional people don't reach that level of awareness and can't warn you until it's too late.

 

How old are you?

[Sasu]

Um 19 ^^

Yeah,its probably in my best interest not to have or think about relationships that seriously at moment and focus on other things like my studies.

I am in a medical college so i studies but then again everyone deserves to be happy in their life.

Could it be she had some underlying cause inside that she can't have a relationship & hence the complicated situations she gets in.I said to her about controlling her feelings and not letting them control her if she want a healthy relationship in future with anyone in our last talk.Unless she can do that im going away from her life completely as i can't stand her attitude ( The girl thought i will blackmail her to get her with me again & wanted me to beg and cry for her again like her ex'es like its somehow my fault she fell in love with others time to time & is now breaking up with me wanting to be single -sigh- ).

 

I don't think she paid attention to anything i said.All that i said in our last talk may have creeped her out some more.Still i tried.That's all i could do,

Just feels bad that i couldn't make any difference..

[todreaminblue]

OH, here's one more thing. This one is important. When you start dating a girl, pay close attention to her family. Girls almost always turn out just like their moms. And they bring the same toxic dysfunctions into your relationship as they grew up with. If her family sucks, chances are good, your relationship will, too.

 

 

so untrue......people are responsible for their own actions decisions and choices, family is there dysfunctional or not.....women make their own choices.....just like men do......everybody has one in their family somewhere along the line you should be judged on your own merit and discredit not your families.....deb

[2.50 a gallon]

Let this one go. While it may be evident to you that she needs help and understanding, for now she does not see it that way, and until she reaches out and asks for help, she will see your efforts as being controlling.

[Sasu]

Agreed,a doc can't help someone unless the patient admits the problem and comes to him,one of things i learned in my college.

 

So basically i can't initiate contact as i will appear controlling & I can't expect her to contact me as i said how much drama she have pulled off & i want to leave her alone finally so that she can be with anyone she wants now.

Still she knows i doesn't give up on anything and will be waiting for me to call her again,awkward situation.

 

No hope ^^ Still learning something.

Edited November 1, 2012 by Sasu

[turnera]

so untrue......people are responsible for their own actions decisions and choices, family is there dysfunctional or not.....women make their own choices.....just like men do......everybody has one in their family somewhere along the line you should be judged on your own merit and discredit not your families.....deb

meh

 

You become what you learn in your home. Unless you're the anomaly who actually rebels to the point of doing everything opposite of them.

[turnera]

Here's what I told my DD22 growing up; reverse the genders for your case. High school is for dating all kinds of guys just to have fun. Don't get serious because odds are VERY bad that you'll actually end up married to someone you date in high school (people, spare me the 'I did' statements; we all know it's a generalization). So just have fun. Don't take it too seriously.

 

University is for trying on types of people to see who you're a better match with. Don't just pick a guy and start going steady and never look around; there are tons of people to choose from. Even if you marry someone from college, you have a 50/50 chance you'll end up divorced. The brain doesn't stop developing until around age 25; you'll be going through tons of changes in college and you won't recognize the person you were at 18. Just have fun.

 

Once you graduate, focus on getting your career started. Once you're out of school, you'll have time for focusing on looking seriously for a mate, and the guys you'll be looking at will be older, more experienced, and more mature (read: better partner). They'll have worked out all the kinks of moving away from their parents and learning to be on their own, just like you, so fewer growing pains to deal with in the relationship. And by the way, you'll be in the city you want your career in so if you meet someone sooner, they just may end up moving across the country to stay with them.

 

So far, she's only had time to date two guys in college (she's a senior). She's been too busy studying and she says that, frankly, if she had a boyfriend, she'd be having to give up a lot of studying just to pacify him, and her grades are too important (she's going for a PhD). She just spends her time hanging out with a big group of friends and doing things with them. She doesn't need a guy to make her feel good or prop her up (though she admits she'd like some more cuddling and such!). I'm really proud of her. She's the only one of all her friends back in high school who's on target to graduate in 4 years.

[sweetkiwi]

one thing that help get me through is the thought that only one romantic relationship needs to work out in your entire life.

 

All i want is for a man to be vulnerable, or open. So many people have hardened their hearts against truth and love. That makes everything impossible. I have been broken and down and abused.

 

But one thing i refuse to give up on is love and hope. Without them i am a lesser person. I'm not me.

[Sasu]

I agree with everything,

She was 28 and the excuse she gave me for breaking up was she love me but sucks in a relation & now wants to focus on her studies then another was she is stressed enough coz of her family.I would have understand the points if she wouldn't be still spending 5-6 hrs hanging out daily with her friends online,so all that was plain excuse to date around some more of her type n have fun,just hope she would be honest to me about it.

 

I guess now its best for me to focus on my studies and get to a point where i would be ' something ' ,financially as well.And then look out for someone who will be mature enough,strangely don't feel anything for girls of my age so dating currently is no brainer for me ^^"

[turnera]

lol, every year, DD22 would say, 'I can't date the guys my age, they're too immature.' Then the next year, she'd say 'I can't date the sophomores, too immature, I'll date a senior.' Then the next year, it was, 'I need to start looking at the guys getting their Masters.' This year, it's 'I think I'll just wait til I start my PhD program to look for someone.'

[Sasu]

lol,I would love to get someone from same field as mine,someone doing psychiatry or someone like a relationship counseller xD ,Can avoid lot of messy situations ^^

 

Still all these discussion sparked some fire in me again,I don't want to give up ever,I messaged her now,

Being little cocky & honest like i care for her,just staying away unless her madness stops and she learns to control her thoughts & i want to help her etc ( yeah damn me )

Then again for apologizing for my rude tone,

Then again for apologizing for even caring and messaging altogether .

 

And if that wasn't enough,I called to hear her & how she is she said she is studying & was very calm,bit happy from her voice (shes getting attention again afterall )

 

So basically made fool out of myself again,still different than the needy ,love sick puppy i once.I was confident this time.

 

Gotta read the first book starting tomorrow,Its never too late.

Edited November 1, 2012 by Sasu

[Sasu]

Can anyone guide me what to do ? I sent her texts,she replied and she is unhappy even after breakup acc to her coz of her problems .

She doesn't date in real so i don't have any fear of losing her ,but online is another story ..shes online 12 hrs a day ,maybe dating for fun but won't get serious for anyone still ..anyway here are texts bw us ( kinda private but im out of options )

 

I texted her today after 2 days NC and 2 weeks of acting like a jerk ( 180 degrees,thanks to which she stopped talking to me altogether )

 

Me - I am worry for you,are u happy like this after breaking up ? if u dun feel anything for us anymore then i atleast will be able to stop worrying thinking maybe u in pain or said ..just tell me

 

Her - I am in pain and my mind ****ed up .

 

Me - Honey,trust me i know phase u going through & i could help if u weren't rude to me.I love u .always will ^^ but if i would have stayed with no relation everything would have end with future,believe me.now just focus on ur studies ,like me & ignore other things.I'll wait if u need me back -kisses- tc dear.

 

Her -I am trying my best for my studies but bs of my home making it worse for me,Ty .

 

Me - I know,can't do anything about that,try to ignore as much as u can & keep ur mind fresh -gives her pop corns- lol,Btw no msg for u from now,didn't even got to hear love you -.- xD

 

Her - How about **** you >.0 ,lol ,love u dear & tc .

 

me - lol much better,ja ne .

 

So...I acted desperate little and didn't got much,Um what should be my next move ?

Edited November 4, 2012 by Sasu