DC4 Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 This seems to happen to me a lot and I'm not sure what to make of it. If anyone knows WTH I'm talking about, please let me know. If you get through this entire post, THANK YOU. I could be reading more into the situation than what is there, but I haven't been dating in many years so I just don't know. I started dating one man that was very attentive and sweet. Lots of hand holding, hugging, crying on my shoulder about really personal things and very intimate sexual encounters. Long story short, you'd think he couldn't live without me. Well it turns out he wants to keep his options open so to speak which is his prerogative, but why treat me like we're on a honeymoon? Now the same thing is happening with another man. Very sweet, attentive, complimentary aaaaaaaand after three dates in four days (he planned them), lets me know in a rather unsettling way that he's not ready for anything other than something really casual. Long story a bit longer-is it common for men (or women I guess) to have what they consider a casual dating thing, but on those dates make it a really emotional, intimate thing? I seriously feel like I'm a great place to get all the emotional benefits of a girlfriend and I want to stop going down that path. How do I even put the breaks on? "NO stop being so nice to me. let's have sex and then go home"?? I'd rather be an actual booty call! Bonus question: does "casual" mean I can see other people?
bac Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 This seems to happen to me a lot and I'm not sure what to make of it. If anyone knows WTH I'm talking about, please let me know. If you get through this entire post, THANK YOU. I could be reading more into the situation than what is there, but I haven't been dating in many years so I just don't know. I started dating one man that was very attentive and sweet. Lots of hand holding, hugging, crying on my shoulder about really personal things and very intimate sexual encounters. Long story short, you'd think he couldn't live without me. Well it turns out he wants to keep his options open so to speak which is his prerogative, but why treat me like we're on a honeymoon? Now the same thing is happening with another man. Very sweet, attentive, complimentary aaaaaaaand after three dates in four days (he planned them), lets me know in a rather unsettling way that he's not ready for anything other than something really casual. Long story a bit longer-is it common for men (or women I guess) to have what they consider a casual dating thing, but on those dates make it a really emotional, intimate thing? I seriously feel like I'm a great place to get all the emotional benefits of a girlfriend and I want to stop going down that path. How do I even put the breaks on? "NO stop being so nice to me. let's have sex and then go home"?? I'd rather be an actual booty call! Bonus question: does "casual" mean I can see other people? That is very unusual (for the white men from the USA).
River Rain Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 Sometimes we're not aware of the fact that we keep choosing the same person over and over. Did you start your relationship without the clarity that you were exclusive? Did you jump into sex too quickly without really getting to know him? You can't assume that he wants only you if you don't flat out ask.
Balzac Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 "...crying on my shoulder about really personal things" Uh not normal. He sounds like a psychological/emotional mess.
Author DC4 Posted October 30, 2012 Author Posted October 30, 2012 Sometimes we're not aware of the fact that we keep choosing the same person over and over. Did you start your relationship without the clarity that you were exclusive? Did you jump into sex too quickly without really getting to know him? You can't assume that he wants only you if you don't flat out ask. The fact the the common denominator here is ME isn't lost on me, that's for sure. One guy was on OLD thing, the other contacted me through a mutual interest group-either way we weren't friends or anything beforehand. Short answer-no, no expectations were established. Sex happens because I'll be honest, I really wanted to have sex with these two men. I thought if it's just sex, you have sex and then you leave. That's how it was when I was in my 20s. It was pretty clear what was going on. So when someone says "casual" that could mean either exclusive or not? I AM SO LOST.
Author DC4 Posted October 30, 2012 Author Posted October 30, 2012 "...crying on my shoulder about really personal things" Uh not normal. He sounds like a psychological/emotional mess. This guy has a ridiculous amount of crap going on in his life and is very dramatic about it. I suspect there is some strange underlying issue if he feels it's ok to drag someone into that who is a casual dating/NSA sex partner. I don't get it at all. I need a dating dictionary. Is there casual dating with an emotional component? To me that means going out, maybe sex and that's it.
River Rain Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 So when someone says "casual" that could mean either exclusive or not? I AM SO LOST. Casual means whatever it means to different people. Casual could mean he just wants to have sex with you but is not looking for other women. Casual could mean he wants to hang out with you, sex or not, but is dating other women. The ONLY way for you to know for sure is to ask him. Then you won't feel so lost.
Author DC4 Posted October 30, 2012 Author Posted October 30, 2012 I asked what casual meant to the 2nd guy last night and for some reason didn't clarify that important point. Am I an ******* if I go on a date without getting that information first?
InJest Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 Stop allowing the emotional part if they don't want to be your b/f. When he starts getting mushy, tell him you'd rather not talk about such personal things, and get off the phone. Instead of going places with him, ask if you can just come over with some takeout. **** him. Leave. You have just as much control over what happens as these guys do. If they don't want to seriously date you, then use them for what they're worth, and leave. Casual means, just sex, and you can do whatever the **** you want, without consulting anyone. 1
bobsmith76 Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 This seems to happen to me a lot and I'm not sure what to make of it. If anyone knows WTH I'm talking about, please let me know. If you get through this entire post, THANK YOU. I could be reading more into the situation than what is there, but I haven't been dating in many years so I just don't know. I started dating one man that was very attentive and sweet. Lots of hand holding, hugging, crying on my shoulder about really personal things and very intimate sexual encounters. Long story short, you'd think he couldn't live without me. Well it turns out he wants to keep his options open so to speak which is his prerogative, but why treat me like we're on a honeymoon? Now the same thing is happening with another man. Very sweet, attentive, complimentary aaaaaaaand after three dates in four days (he planned them), lets me know in a rather unsettling way that he's not ready for anything other than something really casual. Long story a bit longer-is it common for men (or women I guess) to have what they consider a casual dating thing, but on those dates make it a really emotional, intimate thing? I seriously feel like I'm a great place to get all the emotional benefits of a girlfriend and I want to stop going down that path. How do I even put the breaks on? "NO stop being so nice to me. let's have sex and then go home"?? I'd rather be an actual booty call! Bonus question: does "casual" mean I can see other people? I wouldn't worry when a man says let's keep it casual. Everyone wants to fall head over heels in love but it's not very easy. After he gets to know you well enough the odds of him falling in love are much higher. Give it at least two months and if he's not ready to go exclusive then move on.
Author DC4 Posted October 30, 2012 Author Posted October 30, 2012 I am clearly over thinking this, aren't I? Thanks for the input everyone! To answer the original question-is this common? A huge boyfriend/girlfriend vibe just for someone to hang out with and/or have sex? I am seriously at square one with dating and don't know what to expect.
River Rain Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 I asked what casual meant to the 2nd guy last night and for some reason didn't clarify that important point. Am I an ******* if I go on a date without getting that information first? Well, certainly not on a first date, but that's not your case. You've been out with him a lot, getting to know each other, getting personal...at some point, IF you want to know, you should ask if the two of you are exclusive or not. If you don't, lots of people may not assume it's a big deal if they're seeing other people, when maybe it is for you. What I'm saying is, he said he wants casual, he didn't clarify it, so ask him to be clear about it if you really want to know. Nobody can read his mind, nor can you.
Sunfire73 Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 Casual is a no strings attached relationship. It can be with emotions or not, but don't fall in love or give your heart.
dasein Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 Not a good sign when anyone wants to unload emotionally on a new person, and then after that claim to only want something casual. Don't be a cry-towel for anyone, because despite how it seems in the moment, it kills attraction. This is a common complaint men have about women who want an emotional tampon which leads nowhere but the friendzone, so it's refreshing to hear it happens to women too. Just next and move on OP, a man who spends more time whining than charming early on isn't going to improve, and at the least will be a boring, selfish partner.
Ami1uwant Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 I am clearly over thinking this, aren't I? Thanks for the input everyone! To answer the original question-is this common? A huge boyfriend/girlfriend vibe just for someone to hang out with and/or have sex? I am seriously at square one with dating and don't know what to expect. Casual means non exclusive seeing each other or FWB. Not sure of your ages or if they were ready to date. It is typical fo people to date a few times over a week or two to determine who they are. For some if this is thir first time dating after a long term relationship oe marriage ending nd you are the irst one they date odds are you aren't the last ne because they need to play the field before they settle down again.
ascendotum Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 I am clearly over thinking this, aren't I? Thanks for the input everyone! To answer the original question-is this common? A huge boyfriend/girlfriend vibe just for someone to hang out with and/or have sex? I am seriously at square one with dating and don't know what to expect. It sounds like these guys want to slide into a FWB. When it comes to a friends with benefits type relationship there definitely can be an emotional component involved. People have their own interpretations & needs in these. An fwb might be pseudo relationship for some guys who are too ****ed up to maintain a proper full-time relationship or maybe they are too busy or stressed with long hours in their job and with study to want the drama of a full-time gf, but still want intimacy and affection....and still be exclusive (but you don't know for sure). If its not what you want let them know.
kaylan Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 Sometimes you can feel really close to someone, feel great energy with them, and have intimacy with them,....but still know they arent the one. Sounds like youre just a best friend who this guy trusts and cares about...but not who he sees himself ending up with at the moment.
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