KansasChica Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 It's almost been a year since my breakup- he was the dumper. We were only together for close to a year, but it was an amazing year- until the end when he blamed me for everything and dropped me coldly from his life. I stayed in denial for a long time. The few times I saw him out, I still felt the spark. He would tell me that he missed me and still loved me, but I knew he didn't want to get back. Now, when I see him out, he and his friends pretty much ignore me or are still very cold to me. I don't really get it, but I have to accept it. I know that I have no control over him or his friends. I'm starting to casually date again. It's taken me a while, because he was the first guy I seriously let in, became vulnerable with, and loved unconditionally. He made me the happiest I'd ever been. I have seen him in months, but we share mutual friends still. I've made it a point to avoid where he is and where he's going to be. I still wake up though and have these very angry, bitter thoughts and fits of sadness at how it came to be this way. What made him blame me for everything, basically tell me I was a horrible person. He chose his best friend over me and that hurts more than anything. I'm so sick of having these negative thoughts- I want to clear them out so happier and more positive thoughts can come in. -KC
PYTpisces Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 Relationships take two people to make it work, likewise, it takes two to fall apart.... Or one person who refuses to see themselves. Dumpers who place the blame are usually subconsciously projecting their own guilt onto you. Dumpers who can't see themselves and the role they played in the end of a relationship have difficulty seeing themselves and taking responsibility for the hurt they cause. You're taking all he right steps toward healing and it will all be for the better. With more time he will have less of stronghold over your emotions. You may even grow to pity him for being so insensitive! However you feel in the future, I promise it won't be longing, anger and sadness.... At least not to the acute degree you feel it now. I'm sensitive so I now how it feels to be sent reeling after a break-up while the other person just moves on merrily with their life. This has happened to me even when I was the dumper! His indifference displayed outwardly could be a defense mechanism ( to not care ). Overly rigid and strong things tend to break. It's the flexible feeling people like us who bend and don't break! Stay strong 4
Jamesblame Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 Do you think you may be bitter because you're having a difficult time and he isn't having trouble? I know I hated my ex because she got a full year of settling into her new life while I went into a tailspin, and it seemed like EVERYTHING was lost within a couple months of the relationship ending. I did date, but honestly I got better once my life started to resemble normalacy again, and I was working toward goals again. Also, even if he doesn't show it, I'm sure he has regrets about what he did and good memories of you. I know my ex does. Also...while I thought she had a good life going on, she didn't. Which made me a jerk, because that made me happy to learn. 3
Sugarkane Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 Your breakup is exactly like the one that brought me here. You deserve so much better. What a shyte way to breakup with someone. 1
Author KansasChica Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 I still try and rack my brain as to how someone can tell you they love you- look as if they honestly mean it, and then drop you from their life. I'm not sure I'll ever really know what happened or why I've been painted as the "bad guy" among all of his friends (used to be my friends as well), but I guess all I can do is just keep pushing forward. Thanks all!
PYTpisces Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 I was, and still am, in that Why Why Why Why state where I just desperately want to know why and how he could do this. Hold firm to your knowledge and self-assurance that you didn't do anything wrong. I believe there's a blessing for people like us. Take care!
Exit Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 This is just my theory. I think if you were able to direct the blame where it belongs - him - you'd be over it by now. You'd accept that he was just a jerk who said things that he didn't mean and left when he was ready for a new play thing. Cut and dry. Easy to accept. Not much to analyze about that. When people get hung up for a long time, I think it's because they can't get over blaming themselves. He put all the blame on you, and even though some part of you knows that was rotten and unfair, on some level maybe you still believe it. You still internalize what happened. A decent human being, who said they were in love with you, decided to leave you behind. You must have done something wrong to cause that to happen. People don't just leave. That's what we start to say to ourselves, but that's not true. People do just leave. People who have issues and don't know what love really means. People who were with you just to use you or wait for something better to come along. That's just my guess. Maybe it doesn't apply to you. But I think when we identify and understand that someone was a jerk, it doesn't take to long to get over it. We get caught up when deep down, we really do blame ourselves, just like they blamed us. I'm only a week or two away from my 1 year anniversary of getting kicked to the curb, and I'm still dealing with the last remnants of the scars from my ordeal as well. 4
princewwwfran Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 I remember my ex said he is mad at me because I make him broke up with me and stuff..he totally blamed on me. I still respect him, well even though I shouldn't.
Author KansasChica Posted October 31, 2012 Author Posted October 31, 2012 This is just my theory. I think if you were able to direct the blame where it belongs - him - you'd be over it by now. You'd accept that he was just a jerk who said things that he didn't mean and left when he was ready for a new play thing. Cut and dry. Easy to accept. Not much to analyze about that. When people get hung up for a long time, I think it's because they can't get over blaming themselves. He put all the blame on you, and even though some part of you knows that was rotten and unfair, on some level maybe you still believe it. You still internalize what happened. A decent human being, who said they were in love with you, decided to leave you behind. You must have done something wrong to cause that to happen. People don't just leave. That's what we start to say to ourselves, but that's not true. People do just leave. People who have issues and don't know what love really means. People who were with you just to use you or wait for something better to come along. That's just my guess. Maybe it doesn't apply to you. But I think when we identify and understand that someone was a jerk, it doesn't take to long to get over it. We get caught up when deep down, we really do blame ourselves, just like they blamed us. I'm only a week or two away from my 1 year anniversary of getting kicked to the curb, and I'm still dealing with the last remnants of the scars from my ordeal as well. No, you're definitely right. That is something I've struggled with- blaming myself. It came out of blue and shocked me to my core when he devalued me. And because I loved him so much, to hear all of my faults and issues thrown back into my face was really difficult and knocked me down like I've never been knocked down before. He wouldn't give me a second chance. When I asked him if we were going to be okay, he assured me that we were but still broke up with me anyway. I've taken this time since the breakup to really look at my own issues and what I did wrong. I seriously doubt he ever did that with himself. I need to stop blaming myself and accept that things don't always work out- but at the same time, it's hard when I still miss him. Stupid pedestal.
Jamesblame Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 This is just my theory. I think if you were able to direct the blame where it belongs - him - you'd be over it by now. You'd accept that he was just a jerk who said things that he didn't mean and left when he was ready for a new play thing. Cut and dry. Easy to accept. Not much to analyze about that. When people get hung up for a long time, I think it's because they can't get over blaming themselves. He put all the blame on you, and even though some part of you knows that was rotten and unfair, on some level maybe you still believe it. You still internalize what happened. A decent human being, who said they were in love with you, decided to leave you behind. You must have done something wrong to cause that to happen. People don't just leave. That's what we start to say to ourselves, but that's not true. People do just leave. People who have issues and don't know what love really means. People who were with you just to use you or wait for something better to come along. That's just my guess. Maybe it doesn't apply to you. But I think when we identify and understand that someone was a jerk, it doesn't take to long to get over it. We get caught up when deep down, we really do blame ourselves, just like they blamed us. I'm only a week or two away from my 1 year anniversary of getting kicked to the curb, and I'm still dealing with the last remnants of the scars from my ordeal as well. I would amend that to say put the blame where it belongs: On both of you. It takes two people to make a relationship, and two people to ruin it. Blaming is another form of anger which is an early stage of denial. The best thing to do is work through your anger to the point where you can accept that neither of you were saints, neither of you intended to hurt the other, and both of you can have a happy life outside of the relationship. Of course....when it comes to being happy outisde the relationship. Focus on you being happy and not your ex. For me the real hang up is letting go of the "shared couple life". That is awful and painful as hell. It's like losing limbs. Like I said I literally lost almost everything in the split. City, friends, job, my car broke down, ended up stuck at my bloody parents! It was so F***ing awful. And a lot of my depression came from losing my lover and best friend, but most of it came from losing my life. That's also where a lot of my anger toward my selfish ex came from. Once I dealt with that, got back on my feet, made new friends...then life became freeing and great.
Sugarkane Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 I wish I hadn't of blamed myself for so long. Whenever I posted there was usually one new poster asking what I did wrong for my ex to do that. I wish I hadn't of blamed myself. I'm sure my ex had cheated/ had someone else lined up. My ex is a coward and hasn't contacted me to this day. Its just so difficult to understand how people can completely cut you off and never wonder if they made the right decision.
Jamesblame Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 I wish I hadn't of blamed myself for so long. Whenever I posted there was usually one new poster asking what I did wrong for my ex to do that. I wish I hadn't of blamed myself. I'm sure my ex had cheated/ had someone else lined up. My ex is a coward and hasn't contacted me to this day. Its just so difficult to understand how people can completely cut you off and never wonder if they made the right decision. I think they definitely do look back. Consider your relationships where you left. You spent time thinking about those exes, didn't you? I know I definitely think back to my exes whether or not we still communicate occasionally
Under The Radar Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 At 18 months I'm still healing and trying to get my confidence back. Time has been the biggest help for me. I blame myself less often and I am healthier. For some of us, who are very sensitive, it can take a while. Hang in there!
Exit Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 I would amend that to say put the blame where it belongs: On both of you. Yeah, the meaning of my post was not meant to be "never blame yourself, only blame the other person". You're right, it's healthier to accept there was fault on both parts. Which brings me back around to what I really meant by my original post -- when you're still hurting a year later, I'd imagine the share of the blame that you put on the other person is already dealt with and understood, and I think it's dealing with the part that has to do with ourselves that can take the longest to work though. It may not be this way for everyone, but I know I certainly forgive-and-forget for other people way easier than I ever do for myself. 1
Sugarkane Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 In my case I was angry for a very long time.
Author KansasChica Posted November 2, 2012 Author Posted November 2, 2012 Yeah, the meaning of my post was not meant to be "never blame yourself, only blame the other person". You're right, it's healthier to accept there was fault on both parts. Which brings me back around to what I really meant by my original post -- when you're still hurting a year later, I'd imagine the share of the blame that you put on the other person is already dealt with and understood, and I think it's dealing with the part that has to do with ourselves that can take the longest to work though. It may not be this way for everyone, but I know I certainly forgive-and-forget for other people way easier than I ever do for myself. Yeah, and it didn't help that he blamed me as well. My ex didn't take any responsibility for his part- his absolute lack of communication which eventually led to resentment. Now looking back, I see that he just got scared and used any excuse he could to be reason to dump me. I just can't understand how he could do it so coldly and heartlessly. We were SO close and shared so much. I told him things that I had never told anyone. Now, he just looks at me as if I was dirt and I guess I just haven't fully come to terms with that yet. If that makes sense...
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