PurpleGal Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 Hi there. I've been reading here for a while, but this is my first post. I'm in a part of the U.S. that was in the path of the hurricane. Now that the danger has passed, and everyone I know and love is safe, I can reflect a bit. I was alone with my young children during the storm, while MM was with his wife and child. This was to be expected, and he did his best to keep me updated, and to ask how we were doing. But I have mixed feelings about this. I'm not angry - it's more like a dose of reality. Due to recent life changes, I'm not in a position to begin dating anyone new, and won't be for a while. Although MM says he's going to leave, there hasn't been any action toward it and frankly, I don't think he has it in him. My plan was to enjoy what we have (including my deep love for him), then when I feel ready for a solid relationship, to re-evaluate. Now I'm wondering if that's the best course. Maybe this plan of mine was really just a way to avoid being alone, as I find that pretty terrifying. At this point, I feel very distant from him because of the past few days. I'm kind of numb, and the realities of my life and possible future alone are setting in. It's just me and my kids, and nothing MM can say will change that. I'm a bit confused as to why I'm feeling this way now, when all the days we were apart didn't have the same effect...
Owl Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 I think the reason you'd feel this way is because you were forced to see him prioritize the women and relationships in his life, and unfortunately he prioritized his wife and marriage over you and his relationship to/with you. 1
veryhappy Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 You are having these thoughts because it is in the difficult moments when we see who sticks by us. You realized he isn't there for you and he won't be there for you and you are not okay with it anymore. Listen to your gut and let him go. Male space to find someone else. If you feel he doesn't have it in him to leave, listen to that too. I've lived that and it turned out right. 1
skywriter Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 My plan was to enjoy what we have (including my deep love for him), then when I feel ready for a solid relationship, to re-evaluate. I kinda thought that way, when I first entered the A. It wasn't long before I realised how rediculous that idea was. It's like saying I'm going into this relationship with no aspirations. P.S. Being alone is highly underrated. this point, I feel very distant from him because of the past few days. I'm kind of numb, and the realities of my life and possible future alone are setting in. It's just me and my kids, and nothing MM can say will change that. I'm a bit confused as to why I'm feeling this way now, when all the days we were apart didn't have the same effect... I am a realistic person, could be you are too. I know that when I finally pulled my head out of the sand, I began to feel very distant from him. In fact, I asked myself what in the world was I thinking?! You may flounder with your feelings. Some days, I believe I miss him. I give myself time to go through the feeling, and eventually I realise that I miss what I wanted it to be, not what it was.
whichwayisup Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 Yesterday brought you a real reality check. No matter what, even if you needed him, he couldn't be there for you as he's married and has children. they are his first priority. Rightfully so.. With that said, you say: . My plan was to enjoy what we have (including my deep love for him), then when I feel ready for a solid relationship, to re-evaluate. The thing about that, you'll only fall in deeper with him and you'll miss an opportunity with someone else because you're with him. No way will some other guy catch your eye and interest, enough to make you finally end your A and go for someone else.. Use what you feel now to your advantage. Detach more..Rely on him less. Don't put him first. Don't make special or extra time for him. Uninvolve him in your life and stay out of his as much as you can. The way you feel now is a good thing (sorry that you're hurting) because it's given you a show to the future. You are right, the man isn't leaving his wife and kids..He has no reason to because he loves having two women fulfill his needs, why give up one when you can have two?? Right? Get mad, find that 'enough is enough' line and stick to it when you reach that boiling point. Your life is precious and you should spend it with someone who loves ONLY you, not with someone who already has a wife and children. You deserve the best and unfortunately you're not going to get it from him. 1
Author PurpleGal Posted October 30, 2012 Author Posted October 30, 2012 Thank you for your replies, and I hear what you're all saying. The life change I referred to was separating from my husband 2 months ago. I'm so all over the place emotionally with that, I can't fathom starting something new right now. So it's either MM or no one, for the time being. I do know I will deserve a full relationship when I'm ready in the future. I just think cutting off the emotional and physical connection with him, in exchange for nothing in that area, would make me MORE unhappy. There is the risk, as mentioned, of falling even deeper in love. I do agree with whichwayisup's suggestion to detach somewhat and stop putting him first. I am definitely guilty of that, and stopping will probably help in all kinds of ways. I dunno...maybe my current feelings are the first step towards letting go.
veryhappy Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 If you are going through a divorce, it will make you bond with MM. It would make things more difficult in the end. Can you not see MM until you finalize the divorce?
Author PurpleGal Posted October 30, 2012 Author Posted October 30, 2012 There's no divorce in the works yet, just the separation. One of us will eventually file, but money is a consideration (we have none). I suppose I could stop seeing MM until I'm divorced, but I have no idea how long that will be. And he's been a huge source of support through this. I guess I'm posting as a means to sort out my thoughts and feelings, and maybe to hear from others who were in an EMR, knowing full well it had an undetermined expiration date.
Ladydrib Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 Hi there. I've been reading here for a while, but this is my first post. I'm in a part of the U.S. that was in the path of the hurricane. Now that the danger has passed, and everyone I know and love is safe, I can reflect a bit. I was alone with my young children during the storm, while MM was with his wife and child. This was to be expected, and he did his best to keep me updated, and to ask how we were doing. But I have mixed feelings about this. I'm not angry - it's more like a dose of reality. Due to recent life changes, I'm not in a position to begin dating anyone new, and won't be for a while. Although MM says he's going to leave, there hasn't been any action toward it and frankly, I don't think he has it in him. My plan was to enjoy what we have (including my deep love for him), then when I feel ready for a solid relationship, to re-evaluate. Now I'm wondering if that's the best course. Maybe this plan of mine was really just a way to avoid being alone, as I find that pretty terrifying. At this point, I feel very distant from him because of the past few days. I'm kind of numb, and the realities of my life and possible future alone are setting in. It's just me and my kids, and nothing MM can say will change that. I'm a bit confused as to why I'm feeling this way now, when all the days we were apart didn't have the same effect... Because you ARE alone and you are wasting your time. It's easy to fall in the trap of believing you're not alone because it feels so good when you have MM's attention, but he's not there for you when he really should be and this storm highlighted that. The truth is here and now. If he's not with you now, why should you waste your time waiting for him to leave (assuming he even did have it in him). By pouring your love, energy, and time into this man, you are passing up other opportunities that you may not even know exist, because you're too wrapped up with MM. Take 1 month. Be patient with the process. Feel the pain. But walk away now and know in one month you will be in a much better place. Set yourself free. We all deserve better than being placed on layaway for whenever that someone else wants to cash in on us. Even if it's 100% guarantee that they'll leave, how insulting for someone to expect us to get in a line?!! 1
norajane Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 2 months into a separation? Your goal should be to learn to stand on your own two feet. MM is a crutch, and one that you really can't count on when you need him, as this storm highlighted for you. If you need support during your separation, turn to your family and friends. You need to be on your own for a while to figure out what you want to do with your marriage and your life without the confusion of an affair. Clear your head - your future and your children's future depends heavily on you thinking clearly. 2
MissBee Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 (edited) Hi there. I've been reading here for a while, but this is my first post. I'm in a part of the U.S. that was in the path of the hurricane. Now that the danger has passed, and everyone I know and love is safe, I can reflect a bit. I was alone with my young children during the storm, while MM was with his wife and child. This was to be expected, and he did his best to keep me updated, and to ask how we were doing. But I have mixed feelings about this. I'm not angry - it's more like a dose of reality. Due to recent life changes, I'm not in a position to begin dating anyone new, and won't be for a while. Although MM says he's going to leave, there hasn't been any action toward it and frankly, I don't think he has it in him. My plan was to enjoy what we have (including my deep love for him), then when I feel ready for a solid relationship, to re-evaluate. Now I'm wondering if that's the best course. Maybe this plan of mine was really just a way to avoid being alone, as I find that pretty terrifying. At this point, I feel very distant from him because of the past few days. I'm kind of numb, and the realities of my life and possible future alone are setting in. It's just me and my kids, and nothing MM can say will change that. I'm a bit confused as to why I'm feeling this way now, when all the days we were apart didn't have the same effect... Hi Purple, My mom always says "Everyday the bucket goes to the well, one day the bottom must fall out". That is, even though we may do something for an extended period of time and it seems not to have any effect, one day seemingly "out of nowhere" all the wear and tear of the "everyday" causes it to cave. It's not odd that in a small crisis like this that it would become the point of an epiphany or cause for reevaluation. One thing I always find to be faulty logic is when OW say they can somehow be inlove with a MM, have a relationship with him "for now" and they speak as if they can just one day decide not to anymore and end it peacefully and move on. I always roll my eyes at this... as it is untrue for most. I think it is normal when you spend a lot of time with someone to invest more and more and also want more and you get emotionally attached to them and then you think of the future. It usually inevitably happens but this type of thought process is a rationalization we use at the time. Even with single relationships, women will invest in men they see no future with and then are completely surprised when although there is no future and they KNEW this...it is still painful to detach. I think many of us have been lonely and have settled for Mr. Right Nows. It's not inherently wrong but it's usually a matter of dishonesty with self and a matter of needing to admit whether or not you can truly see it as casual or temporary and act accordingly or admit you will become attached and want more. I date with a purpose these days, that is, I don't allow myself to seriously invest emotions and time into situations that don't seem promising, as I know the pain of having to detach from a Mr.Right Now. And IMO, most MM are only Mr.Right Nows. It's this strange line of thinking that I guess seems sensible at the time, that somehow if you can't date "for real" or you don't want something serious you need to date a MM. Welll...for some maybe, but it seems for most, what was the big difference? Except, with a single man, if you do change your mind and fall inlove and want more you have more of an opportunity to "upgrade the relationship", while with a MM, should you want more, often you are met with obstacles and a flat out block to that happening and you still end up invested and hurt. I'm glad you and your kids are fine. I don't know why you have resigned yourself to being alone but that doesn't need to be true. You only need to be honest about what you're looking for and find suitable people for that. I too had these reality check moments that made me realize that no matter how much I loved my exAP, this is real life and I have real desires and needs and the A was providing only a shadow of that. It makes sense that being in a hurricane with your kids when everything is so tangible and real and you want someone there that your MM making a phone call while with his family makes it very clear that As often only go so far. LDRs can also have the same effect. If there is no clear plan to be together and a clear working towards that, it can feel like an abyss of pointlessness to simply get phone calls, texts, emails, skype and few and far between visits when other people around you have their partner there in the flesh. Edited October 30, 2012 by MissBee 1
Author PurpleGal Posted October 30, 2012 Author Posted October 30, 2012 Ladydrib - I'm actually not waiting for him to leave. I'm pretty sure he won't, and in any case when I'm ready for a relationship I'll evaluate things then. None of this is his "fault". We met when we were both with our spouses, neither intending to leave. I'm a doer, not a sayer, and faced the fact that my husband and I have some "irreconcilable differences". I never asked MM to leave, and made the choice I made for my own reasons. He started talking about leaving on his own, but also said that if I need more right now, he'd support me finding it. Norajane - I agree with a lot of what you said. I'm starting therapy in order to help with that. I care deeply for MM, and he may only be Mr. Right Now, but I'm going to let the dust settle before doing anything rash - there have been enough recent changes! Thank you for the responses.
FelicityShot Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 Seems like you are hanging onto the MM because it is 'safe', yet at the same time, how you can hang onto someone elses husband? How is he 'there' for you? He isn't. Show your children you don't need a man. Show they you are an independent woman. I just don't get why any woman would set their future on some guy who is married. I hope you can start a new life for you and your kids and you don't keep hanging onto a guy who is married. Good luck. I do agree. It's good to show you are an independent woman.
norajane Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 Norajane - I agree with a lot of what you said. I'm starting therapy in order to help with that. I care deeply for MM, and he may only be Mr. Right Now, but I'm going to let the dust settle before doing anything rash - there have been enough recent changes! Thank you for the responses. Do what you need to do, but don't linger here. You already know, down deep, that you want to let go of MM (even though you also don't want to let go). This storm showed you that. Your reflections told you that you don't want a part-time man in your life. That now, separated from your husband and on your own, you see that you need and want a man who can be there for you and with you. You feel lonely...MM isn't enough. So the sooner you let go of him, the sooner you will clear your head and heart and be ready for someone who doesn't make you feel lonely. Clinging to him, even though he's not enough, will only prolong your healing process and your ability to move forward all fresh and and excited for your future.
Recommended Posts