Can't get over him even though he lives in another country

[PennyLane31]

I’ll try to make it short as possible because i really need people to read it and give me some sincere feedback. Sorry for any mistakes, since English is not my first language. It may sound a foolish story but I’m having a hard time to get over it.

 

I’m from Brazil, and I met a guy from Cyprus one year ago. I’m 24 and he’s 21 years old. I was working as translator and receptionist for the military teams, so I was responsible for taking care of 40 young men. So, since I’m a shy person and was scared of having to deal with so many guys at the same time I tried to be very quiet most of the time. But one of this guys became a real close friend and was interested in one my girlfriends, so they ended up making out during sometime in those 3 weeks. And there’s was also another guy (let’s call him A) who at first I didn’t like very much but he used to sit at the reception everyday just to talk to me about almost everything. I was falling for him without realizing it. He seemed to be interested but i was not sure. And I knew he was very insecure because his last girlfriend cheated on him with her ex. During this time, a girl who worked at the same place was interested on him, and she was a easy…so they ended up making out…I was a little jealous but thought it was ok, since he was leaving and probably it’d be better to be that way. One day before they left he sat in front of me at the reception and we talked for hours, but this time was different…don’t know how to explain. And then he wrote something in greek in a piece of paper and said “try to translate it someday”. I was very confused, asked one of the Cypriot guys to translate it for me and it was saying “I’ll miss you”…and he had a conversation on the same day with my girlfriend, and told her that I was very special and he was afraid since he was leaving and that he could be with the other girl but he chose to spend his last few hours here talking to me. We organized a little party for the people who were working there, and some guys from the Cypriot team went to this little party. Everybody was drinking a lot, it was the last day…and he was flirting with me all night long….the party was finished and when was I was saying goodbye (and of course a little drunk) I told one of his friend how I wish I could spend more time that night with A. So when we were cleaning up the place (it was an apartment) he came back out of nowhere, saying he’d need to sleep there because he couldn’t back. So we ended up sleeping together….and it was just perfect! I had never felt this way before with anyone else. He’s a closed guy, but he told me how pretty, funny and smart I am and that if he could ever imagine I was interested he’d done something before. He is so different from the Brazilian guys….people here tend to be very superficial and dumb. I felt totally mentally attracted to him.

And then we woke up and he left. One week passed no contact from him. So I sent him a message on facebook asking how was the flight and stuff, no answer…was so I just gave up, because I knew it was impossible and tried just to keep it as good memory, even though I missed him so much. One month later, he spoke to my girlfriend (who worked with me) and he asked how I was doing, so she said he should ask me himself and that his attitude was not very nice. He replied back, saying that “honestly it was my fault, because I asked him to spend the night and that he had no intention”….2 months passed away, and when I was getting over him he sent me a chat on facebook “hi”…and since that day he started to send me some messages occasionally, in the beginning he used to say “hi’ and then I answered “hi”…no answer later. Months later we continued talking to each other, he even once asked ‘why did I sleep with him that night, if I wanted to’ (??) and one day I was drunk and said that I missed him…and only some days later he replied by saying “why did you miss me?” and another one a few months later saying I couldn’t stop thinking about him, even though I knew it was unhealthy….no answer, some days later it was my birthday, no birthday greeting from him although he sent one to a friend on the same day. I was so mad….and the truth was that my life was OK but I was always thinking about him and missed him. But he was asking when I was going to Cyprus finally, and he considered coming to Rio again but he said it was too expensive. The months went by, and I wasn’t thinking about him that much and I was even hanging out with a guy. My girlfriend convinced to Cyprus, since she arranging it with the other guy and the two of us we were planning a trip to some countries in Europe, and Greece would be the last one. When A. found out we were planning to go, he kept on asking me why I didn’t tell him, gave me my phone number so I could contact him once I was there. I only answered when we bought the airline tickets, the guys seemed to be very happy and A. said he’d help us and we could spend a night in his summer house over there…after that he only sent me 1 message and the another one asking me again when I was coming to Cyprus. We got there, the other Cypriot guy who likes my friend arranged everything for us and we stayed in his city. A. said he’d meet us in the other city in 3 days. I didn’t know what to expect since he never showed any feelings during our conversations. I was really prepared just to hang out as friends. But since the time he met us there he started to with me, remembering all the good moments we had and he insisted that we spent that night together again….of course I wanted to live it all again even though I was a little afraid. But he knew I had some feelings for him and even questioned me about the drunk message, if I really meant that or was just being emotive.

 

In the next morning my friends arrived and we went to the beach. A. said he would meet us later and that’s why we wouldn’t need to say goodbye right now. No text from him as the hours went by. I texted him and he texted back saying “sorry, my best friend is going to USA and I have to go back to my city” (in fact, his best friend is really studying in the US right now). I never felt so bad in my entire life……I came from the other side of the world and he couldn’t even say goodbye to me…my last words for him were “see you in another life” when I left his apartment that morning. Had I never sent him a text asking if he would come or not, he’d probably never said anything. I was angry, sent him a couple of angry texts, we replied back saying “what do u want me to do?” and called me, I didn’t answered. Two days later, I sent him a message on facebook explaining exactly how I felt, that I had some feelings for him even though I knew it was impossible for us to be together, and I just wanted to spend some time with him. The time we couldn’t spend when he was here. Told him how smart, funny he is, and I felt very used by him that I didn’t understand his attitudes since we met and that I was angry. And I envy the other that will have the opportunities I didn’t…a love letter but realistic at the same time. He’s going to his first semester in college in England, so I wished him good lucktoo…I wrote way more than that, I just opened my heart so I could set me free. Sent the message, blocked him so I wouldn’t need to wait anxiously for a reply that probably would never come. I was so sad, feeling so underappreciated, played, so used…the only thing I ever did with this guy was sex! It was all about it! He didn’t promise anything but he made sure to be present in my life during one whole year, although he didn’t want to talk to me at first. He was always sending mixed signs…

 

One month later I had the urge to check on his profile, so I unblocked him…in the 48 hours period that you need to wait in order to block again he added me. I don’t know why I accepted his request, I was probably expecting something from him….only 5 days later he sent me a message “hi, how are you” “hi, I’m fine” I said…and then, nothing! I opened my heart to this guy I’d understand if he didn’t want to reply back, if he didn’t want to tell about his feelings, I blocked him and he added me again to say nothing at all!!! I was crazy….but was not able to delete him again…one week later he sent another message, telling me that it wasn’t fair what I said to him in texts in Cyprus and how bad he felt…. So I questioned him about the first night being my fault, and that was not fait too, and he could only said that it was not his fault, he didn’t want to make things worse to any of us and he was leaving the other day and all I wanted is to complicate things. So I questioned him that it was so bad, why he wanted to do it again, and he said the first time it was amazing and he wanted to feel like that with me again…I said it was amazing for me too, and scary because I couldn’t feel this kind of pleasure with anyone else….”why is that? I’m sure u met other guys as well”…“yes, and it’s terrible because I cant explain it and at the same time I cant have it” he just replied “I don’t know what to say, I’m sorry..” I questioned about the girl he kissed here in brazil, and why it’s ok with her and he said “you know it’s different….”

 

Now, 2 months later we haven’t talk to each other again. I just can’t let it go….My ego is hurt I guess, and somehow I miss him…how is it even possible! He could never say to me any kind word…but now I’m really confused and keep wondering if I’ve got real reasons to be mad….I wouldn’t be mad because of what happened in Cyprus, even though I’d always feel a little frustrated I understand he never promised anything and feelings can change with time…he can have sex with me while I travel all the way to his country but he can’t say anything good to me….I just angry because I told him my true feelings and all he could say was how much he was mad and upset…such an ******* …if he didn’t want to say anything that would be good for me, he should just leave me alone!! I’d never play with anyone’s feelings…or he could just tell the truth and how he was feeling, it’d hurt but I’d understand…I’ve been through a hard break-up before, and nowadays me and my ex are friends.

All I ever wanted is to hear it was important to meet me so somehow, and just keep a good memory in my heart and mind, instead of lots of doubts and resents...I have a complete sense of rejection…the truth is that by deleting him off, the chances I’d have the chances I need will be 0% and even though the chances are very small I still wait for it somehow. All I wanted to hear was something like “I didn’t know you felt that way, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you. It was nice to meet you one year ago”… I’d appreciate such an effort and would help me to let it go…I guess I’ll need to get my own closure for myself.

 

Next year I’m moving to London for at least 6 months but he doesn’t know it (he’s living there now, he’s a fresh in college) and I’m really afraid that would forget everything and meet him. Facebook is now the only way we have to contact each other…..I want to delete him but I can’t bring myself to do delete him off facebook, I don’t want him to think he has a hold on me anymore but at the same time I don’t want to wait for some kind of explanation that it will never come anymore, and stalk his profile everyday and the new pictures in college and he flirting with other girls I really don't want to see him adding girl after girl…I understand it’s the way it is supposed to be, I’ve been in college already but at the same time I feel kinda angry that he’s having fun and I’m going through this hard time. Every time I log on to the computer, I have the urge to check his page, to see how he's doing and what he's up to. I can see no point in having the constant facebook reminder of someone you never see in real life or talk. Besides that, he never interacts with me on there.

 

I just don’t understand why can't I push the unfriend button and continue hanging on to something that is obviously hopeless…am I right to be angry at him? Would it be childish too block him? Is he a narcissist? I’m so confused that I just can’t think rationally. In the long run I guess I still want him in my life somewhow…

[FitChick]

This was as "short as possible?"

 

Edit down to bullet points and maybe someone will read and respond.