trussinme Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 One of my friends asked me about this and he was surprised at my answer. He’s been dating this female for a little while(2 months), things are going pretty well…until she dropped a bomb on him. She’s still “friends” with the ex. According to her, they’re pretty much inseparable best friends. She keeps him around becus of her daughter(so she says. He’s not the father, btw.) I told him that ex boyfriends are the kind of baggage that would be a deal breaker for me. I personally don’t see a reason for him to be in the picture so much. For all of that, why don’t they get back together? I let him know if it came down to it, she’s gonna choose the ex over him. Not really a position he should allow himself to be in…IN MY OPINION. Thoughts?
Jamesblame Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 A vast majority of people will say that you can't be true friends with your ex, that it's disrespectful of your partner, your new partner won't trust you, and one of you is obviously hung up on the other. And for them it's totally true. And for me and minority of people it's not true. I have always liked the women I date, and a few are still friendly with me. I am friends with one...but this girl was a friend before, a friend throughout the relationship and a friend afterward. We have no chemistry together, no romantic feelings, no shared plans or values. In short...we were a terrible couple. She's close to me and I am to her. But the feeling is more familial than not. We visit one another but always include our current partners in the friendship. I don't value my ex over a potential partner, but I wouldn't get along with a partner who demanded I never talk to an ex/hang out with them. 1. I don't like dating someone who lets their insecurity get in the way. 2. I would never be friends with an ex who had residual feelings or who disrespected my relationships. You can not trust soemone, but it's your issue, not their's.
kaylan Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 Big red flag OP. I think plenty of us have seen how those situations turn out. People need to grow up and be able to move on in their love lives. 1
Jamesblame Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 Big red flag OP. I think plenty of us have seen how those situations turn out. People need to grow up and be able to move on in their love lives. People also have a problem letting their pasts dictate possible futures. What's grown up about disregarding years of your life? How adult is it to pretend that someone you once loved doesn't exist...or worse, carry around a hatred for them? I've never heard of anyone dying complaining about having too many friends and acquaintances. "At the end...why was a fool to still be friendly to a past flame!?" I've been cheated on, but I don't feel that all women are cheaters. I trust someone UNTIL they prove that they can't be trusted.
kaylan Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 (edited) Its dishonest to pretend that the vast majority of the time, people stay close with exes because they still hold a candle for them. And its dishonest to pretend most of us dont see what generally happens in relationships where one or both of the parties maintains close contact with an ex. It rarely goes over well. Blind trust is never too smart. There are certain lines you have to draw when you decide to date someone. In my case, someone being too close with their ex is reason to not trust them right away. Edited October 30, 2012 by kaylan
phineas Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 I don't do ex's. I've yet to meet a woman who was friends with an ex & not still sleeping with him. These are women I dated, tried to date, who led me on, ect. Nothing like going out with a chick & hearing stories about her & an ex that she broke up with 5 fricken yrs ago. seriously? But, at least i've learned to spot that red flag & not to take these women seriously. Their just for fun because the majority of those women didn't consider sleeping with their ex while with me as cheating because they have already slept with them. serious.
Jamesblame Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 Its dishonest to pretend that the vast majority of the time, people stay close with exes because they still hold a candle for them. And its dishonest to pretend most of us dont see what generally happens in relationships where one or both of the parties maintains close contact with an ex. It rarely goes over well. Blind trust is never too smart. There are certain lines you have to draw when you decide to date someone. In my case, someone being too close with their ex is reason to not trust them right away. I don't know. I guess in my experience it's possible to be friends with exes. And most women I've dated have been friends with at least one ex. I don't have issues with trust because I work hard on boundaries. I mean I trust people, but I also protect myself from not getting too invested too quickly. I don't think you're wrong for not trusting them. I just don't feel the same way, and am happy to date women who feel the same as I do. No judgement though.
InJest Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 I agree with Phineas on this. I will gladly **** the hell out of a girl who is friends with ex's. I'm not dumb enough to let it go beyond that though. I know what kind of friendship I have with my own ex's, so not investing anything except my dick into something with a girl who remains in contact with her ex's.
Jamesblame Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 I agree with Phineas on this. I will gladly **** the hell out of a girl who is friends with ex's. I'm not dumb enough to let it go beyond that though. I know what kind of friendship I have with my own ex's, so not investing anything except my dick into something with a girl who remains in contact with her ex's. Haha, dude, but you have the same damn relationship with your ex that you're complaining about! I should throw out a caveat about me and my exes. I'm not looking for a marriage partner right now. Long term relationship, sure. Marriage , no. I'm definitely in a selfish stage where my own needs, e.g., wanting to be friends with ex, is greater than my desire to start a life with someone. Fun committed companion? Sure. Wife and house and college funds for kids? Not at all.
InJest Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 Haha, dude, but you have the same damn relationship with your ex that you're complaining about! The ex that I still hook up with, lives a couple thousand miles away, so it doesn't interfere with my current relationship. We have occasional friendly conversations, between even less occasionally ****ing each other, but we are by no means best friends. We aren't really close anymore, though it does feel close when we do speak, to me at least. I would not cheat on my current girlfriend with her, and the chance won't even arise, because I we won't see each other while one of us in a relationship. Do you see the difference? I don't have regular contact, and she's not a best friend by any stretch. I keep a very healthy distance from her, when I'm in a relationship, and if I didn't, I think anyone would be justifiably upset.
Jamesblame Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 I see the difference, but you are also still having sex with her. So I think if the issue was...a girl I'm interested in is FWB with her ex. But again, not having sex nor feeling any romantic feelings are a totally different situation. I understand why a partner would be upset if I was still occasionally screwing my ex.
mortensorchid Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 I don't know about that. I agree with some other comments here, in that they have never met a girl who had an ex-bf that they were still seeing/speaking with who they were not occasionally having sex with. Unless the two live far apart from each other, you cannot count on the fact that they are not going to be seeing each other when you are not there. But that being said, if you like this woman, there's no reason you can't see her. I'm just saying be cautious of the other man.
Author trussinme Posted November 10, 2012 Author Posted November 10, 2012 (edited) Quick update Caught up with him yesterday at the bar She told him he couldn't trust her and that her ex would always be a part of her life. He didn't agree with things and they broke up. 1 week later, ex takes a trip to go visit... Edited November 10, 2012 by trussinme
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