Breakup or stay together?

[jessy1]

Hey all

 

I need your advice with my current bf as I have no-one else to talk to.

My bf and I have been together for a little over two years.

 

My feelings for him have recently changed and I don't know what to do. The thought of hurting him by breaking up with him tears me up so much. I can not bear the thought of him hurt and in pain. He does not deserve that.

 

Recently a few things about him have really bugged me and have caused my feelings to change. Firstly I am worried when I think of the future. I went to collage and got all the fancy paper work and now have quite a well paying job.. I really want to move up the career ladder and achieve as much as I can and earn as much as I can to live comfortably for me and maybe my kids in the future.

 

My partner has a minimun wage job and while he loves what he does, he has no real ambition to move up or earn more money. I worry so much for the future. I am not a gold digger but I worry he wont be able to support us if we ever have kids and we will have to live off my wage all the time. He works a night shift most nights and just sits round watching tv though most of the day which for some reason annoys me also. I feel like he has no ambition or drive to do anything if that makes sense? Every time I try to bring up my money worries he either gets really angry and storms off or says he will sort it out .... but nothing ever changes. Is this a genuine concern or am I very shallow?

 

I really want to talk to him about my work and share what I do with him but he just have zero interest in what I do.

 

Secondly we never ever have fun anymore. I used to be a really happy fun person but now I am far from that when I am around him. He has become very serious and I guess boring. I miss laughing and smiling etc. He also has gotten into the habbit of seemily contradicting everything I say which drives me insane!!! He has to be right all the time.

 

Lastly he talks alot of absoute rubbish. He tells lies which are very small and insignificant but I am at the point where I feel like everything he says now isn't true. Its very insignificant stuff but still I dont believe half the stuff that comes out of his mouth. I also know he has a history of cheating which makes me a bit wary.

 

My worries about the future, lack of fun, him always contradicting me and talking rubbish has made me fall out of love with him

Despite my complaining he is a good guy who would do anything for me and does not deserve to be hurt. He always tells me im his world and he loves me more than anything. If i were to leave I would destory him. I also live with him and feel awful that I may make him leave our house if we split up.

 

I guess I am desperate to fall back in love with him so I can stay with him and avoid the pain this may cause him. He has done nothing wrong really and I dont want to hurt him.

 

I want to know what you think. Are these issues we can work through and I can try and fall back in love with him. Does he sound worth the trouble?

And if not ... What is the best way to leave someone without causing him to much pain

[NavyAirTraffic]

Is this who he is?? What I mean is if you weren't together would he still work a minimum wage job, tell lies, always be serious? If this is genuinely who he is how comfortable would you feel asking him to change/how confident are you that the changes would be permanent? If he doesn't change how long could you last in the relationship? We can't answer these questions for you and I think these are the questions that need asking.

[fremonde]

lots of young women go through a grass is greener stage hating their current guy for no reason other than they are scared of settling down, but.. you sound like you have a few serious issues for real.

 

If he refuses to do something in his life, then you can't really live with him. Also the small lies thing.

 

Generally tell him while he might be happy now, will he be happy there in 10 years with mounting bills from getting older and wanting stuff/health care, and children? What about being able to sleep nights with you?

 

The not being able to have fun around him might be your own personal mindset, I don't know enough to say if its you being sour, or if hes a dick.

 

It sounds like you are really thinking about the future/family. Does he talk about it at all? You might be looking for mr right, he might be looking for ms. right now. If he wants babies and houses and such, you have a point to use. If he is just with you to be with a woman, it doesnt matter to him.

 

You need to let him know that you dont disrespect his job, or him (guys take what they do very seriously, and it can hurt them) But firmly say that you are unhappy because you know how great he can do if he puts his mind to it, and that ambition turns you on.

 

Also, and this is the harder part, tell him you want to go on more dates, and leave everything else behind you while you are on dates, the seriousness and rubbish and so on.

 

Do you live together? thats important info.

 

... Don't stay with him because you don't want to hurt him, it will crush you slowly, hurting you, and hurting him since you wont be the same woman he met. Either he shapes up, and you love him again, or he doesnt, and it sounds harsh, but do it quick and rip him off like a band aid.

 

*I am a guy and what i say is true. it hurts alot more for men to see their relationship slowly circling around the toilet bowl, and it causes real pain as they futility try to save the relationship but it is to late. Women try to do things slow to avoid hurting the guy, but it just reminds men of everything going wrong everyday and what they could ahve done to change things.

[jessy1]

Thank you both for your reply

Much appreciated

 

My partner has been this way ever since I met him. Im not sure if I would be comfortable telling him the things I dont like about him. I mean wouldnt this really hurt him?

 

He loves his job and I dont want to be that horrible gf who makes him change his job because he doesnt earn enough.

But he really wants to get a joint bank account, buy a house together and have kids. He has said that when we have kids it will make more sense for me to keep working and for him to look after the kids.

He is 28 and has no money at all in the world but keeps buttering his parents up and they send him money sometimes. I have a fair bit saved which I did myself and I never gt help from my parents.

He also thinks that when (if) we get a house I should make more payments to the morgage (I wanted to split it half if it ever eventuates).

 

Is it wrong to want someone who is financially equal to me?

And how on earth do I bring it up? He has stormed out of the room anytime I have tried.

 

But as you say, im worried this is a case of thinking the grass in greener, which may not be so.

 

Im confused and don't know what to do.

[fremonde]

Its not wrong to want an equal, in uneven relationships both parties often resent each other, the stay at home for the power the worker holds, and the worker for well.. having to work.

 

Sorta sounds like he wants a sugar momma scenario?

 

Well... why did you fall in love in all these things stink?

[oracle]

People grow up and grow apart.

 

Don't feel guilty. Thank him for a wonderful time and move on.

 

Its gonna be just as hard on you as it will on him.

[warm_at_heart]

Sometimes you have to be very careful what you wish for. IF you are really not in love with this guy then it's time to get rid now, the longer it carries on the worse the break up will be when it inevitably happens.

 

A lot of people suffer from difference in career and ambition, desires, it can be the cause of many's a break up. You shouldn't let it dictate your future though as there are a lot of people out there with all the riches in the world who are unhappy, and then there are those with very little, just enough to get by, but in love and who when all is said and done are happy.

[flitzanu]

honestly without even reading this...by the time you've even CONSIDERED breaking up, your heart has detached a little. you're going to continue thinking of leaving until you actually do.

 

sometimes the heart urges us when we don't see it.

[Chi townD]

Are you trying to say he's beneath you now? And you want him to achieve the career status that you are at? Maybe I'm not tracking here. Maybe he's lashing out at you because you keep reminding him of how you want him to be where you're at. Or maybe he's lashing out at you because you (unintentionally) remind him that you're better than he is in life. (I'm not saying that this is the case, but it may be what he's feeling.)

 

Now, I'm not bashing on you. I mean, if he's just making minimum wage with no motivation or no goals in life. I agree, that's frustrating. Because you can see potential. I get it.

 

I have some friends of mine that are married. She's a surgeon and he teaches the second grade. Obviously, she makes 6 figures and teachers...not even close. But they couldn't be happier. Even though she highly educated and very skilled in her career. She goes home and she comes home to her husband. Her rock. The man that doesn't have to do much to make her happy. He never regretted being a teacher and he's proud of who he is and what he does because he works hard and makes an honest living. But, I think the key to their success is that he doesn't view her as a doctor, or a surgeon. When he looks at her all he see's is the girl that he fell in love with and was honored when she agreed to be his wife. I speculate that when she see's him, she see's the man she fell in love with. The guy that loves to see kids learn, volunteer's his time to neighborhood events. Coaches pee-wee football. A strong man that provides strong family values. And still takes time to make her feel special. Sometimes they're like two ships passing in the night because she can get called in at weird hours. But, he'll leave little post it notes on the bathroom mirror stating that he loves her. Or sends her flowers at work for no other reason other than she's stressed out and having a bad day. Sometimes, the little things mean the most.

 

Now, the point of story was to show you that two people in different stations in life can fall in love and make it work.

 

Okay, your boyfriend has A job. Well, anyone can have a job. I think you would be more settled if he had a career. Some careers may not pay a lot, but at least you can put a title to yourself that you can be proud to call yourself an electrician, or a Sous Chef, or a nurse, or a x-ray technician.....something! So, I understand that you want him to stop being lazy and reach for something that he can be proud of and have a career. Instead of saying he works at Taco Bell or the Gap. So, you really need to have a heart to heart with him. Tell him that you believe in him and and you believe that he can find something that he enjoys and could make a career out of it. But, you need to tell him that he needs to do it for himself and not for you. Tell him that there's a lot of stress between the two of you and it's driving a wedge between you. That you two need to find each other again. And then, if I were you, I would suggest couples counseling. That if he cares for this relationship at all, then he should go with you. That you feel that you two could benefit talking things out with a neutral person.

 

Just my two cents.

Edited October 30, 2012 by Chi townD