Hornachero Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 Ok, so this thread is only and only for those of you out there who stay in unhappy relationships just because you are unable to breakup with your (in)significant other. In essence: -Are you unable to breakup with someone for the life of you? -Do you stay with people for months/years just because you don't want to hurt their feelings if you breakup with them? -Do you care about your partner's emotions more than you care about your own? Then this thread is for you! Please share you stories! I have been with this girl that I like a lot (but do not love) for over eight months now. She is madly in love with me but I know I don't love her the way she loves me. I would like to breakup with her but I can't muster the courage to do it and I have just been waiting for something to happen! I feel really guilty all the time (for not loving my girl the way she loves me) and for thinking about other girls (no one in particular) and for being a coward and not ending things with her! Anyone else in a similar situation? 1
xdahliax Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 (edited) I'm in MTL, I'll break up for you. Seriously though, you need to breakup with her. It's not good for you, and it's unfair to her. You're wasting her time, and her feelings for you are going to keep on growing. Every day you put off breaking up with her will cause her more pain when you finally muster the courage to do it. Edited October 30, 2012 by xdahliax 2
Author Hornachero Posted October 30, 2012 Author Posted October 30, 2012 I know that logically, the best thing is to end things now because the more things last, the harder it will be the future. But when push comes to shove, I just can't. I meet her, talk to her, have sex with her and then postpone the decision again in the hope that some miracle will solve the situation. With my other exes, I have managed to get dumped or had been sent in other cities for work (which then gave me a non-personal excuse to breakup). I have this friend of mine (a girl) who was in a similar situation for SEVEN years. She just couldn't muster the courage to do it. She had to move in with the guy to a new city, found a new job for him, made sure he made enough money, and even introduced him to a girl that he kinna liked before breaking up with him. I know this is extreme, but I know there are many people out there who are in similar situation and I would love to hear your input!
Author Hornachero Posted October 30, 2012 Author Posted October 30, 2012 So there is no one out there staying in an unhappy/boring/meh relationship just because they don't have the ba**s to breakup?
sweetkiwi Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 i've considered it. But when it comes down to things i love my man. I'm willing to give it a chance. I've thought about breaking up for the past couple months. But instead of being silently unhappy i've voiced my desires and he's been stepping up. Your girl knows your unhappy. Maybe she's in denial too. But she knows. And he you really want to be happy then you should tell her what you need. Unless you're incapable of being honest with yourself as well. 1
Maddy1984 Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 I just ended a relationship like this. You can go read my thead if you so choose. Basically, I was just scared. We were together over 10 years, and I was unhappy for probably closer to three of those years. I just didn't want to face up to it for a long time. I stayed for the last two years because he is unemployed, and because I didn't want to upset the apple cart. I was afraid of being alone. I was afraid of not meeting someone else who would accept my flaws. I didn't want to hurt our friends and family. I felt like I was about to rip the hearts out of a lot of people. I also avoid confrontation, and this was the biggest confrontation of them all. Part of me wishes we had split up when we lived apart in university, because looking back I realized I had doubts then I just ignored, and should've listened to because those doubts turned into BIG PROBLEMS. We were too young to turn so serious.
NoMoreJerks Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 You know, OP, I've always wondered about this -- my ex also told me the same thing that you said about not loving your gf, but just liking her. He told me he didn't feel we were lovers, but that he loved me more like a really good friend. And I always wondered if he didn't have the courage to just break up with me and risk not ever seeing me again or having sex with me. He did threaten to break up with me multiple times, and did it twice but on both occasions, when I begged him, he relented and we got back together. But I always wonder if he was too much of a coward to follow through both times... or if he just thought, oh **** it, the sex is good, so whatever... he did tell me that he wasn't looking for a relationship at that point, so that might be why he didn't care much about keeping the pseudo-relationship going? I don't know.
TigerCub Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 You know, OP, I've always wondered about this -- my ex also told me the same thing that you said about not loving your gf, but just liking her. He told me he didn't feel we were lovers, but that he loved me more like a really good friend. And I always wondered if he didn't have the courage to just break up with me and risk not ever seeing me again or having sex with me. He did threaten to break up with me multiple times, and did it twice but on both occasions, when I begged him, he relented and we got back together. But I always wonder if he was too much of a coward to follow through both times... or if he just thought, oh **** it, the sex is good, so whatever... he did tell me that he wasn't looking for a relationship at that point, so that might be why he didn't care much about keeping the pseudo-relationship going? I don't know. Maybe that's why there are so many cowards. Its hard enough to break up with someone, but to actually have to endure begging - that, I'm sure just makes it all the more terrible, and that's why he stayed. Why would you beg someone to be with you when they just said that they didn't want to be? I really don't mean disrespect, I just always find that so odd when I hear it. Like, after he stayed, after you begged, did you really believe that he was there because he wanted to be or because he felt guilty and kind of obligated? 1
NoMoreJerks Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 Maybe that's why there are so many cowards. Its hard enough to break up with someone, but to actually have to endure begging - that, I'm sure just makes it all the more terrible, and that's why he stayed. Why would you beg someone to be with you when they just said that they didn't want to be? I really don't mean disrespect, I just always find that so odd when I hear it. Like, after he stayed, after you begged, did you really believe that he was there because he wanted to be or because he felt guilty and kind of obligated? No, i begged because I was very emotionally attached, but after a while I realized it wasn't working and i wasz sick of the emotional abuse and manipulation. And I felt he hadn't stayed because of my begging, but because of the sex (he wanted a threesome from me and I had put up with that crap for so long that I think he figured he might havea chance of convincing me?). I don't know . But i think mostly he stayed because he needed some company when he was in my city on business trips, and also the sex. I ended up breaking up with him. He then asked for a second chance, which I gave him, but he ****ed up again (brought up threesomes again, etc.), and I went NC. I'm not with him anymore and I' m no longer emotionally attached to him.
TigerCub Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 No, i begged because I was very emotionally attached, but after a while I realized it wasn't working and i wasz sick of the emotional abuse and manipulation. And I felt he hadn't stayed because of my begging, but because of the sex (he wanted a threesome from me and I had put up with that crap for so long that I think he figured he might havea chance of convincing me?). I don't know . But i think mostly he stayed because he needed some company when he was in my city on business trips, and also the sex. I ended up breaking up with him. He then asked for a second chance, which I gave him, but he ****ed up again (brought up threesomes again, etc.), and I went NC. I'm not with him anymore and I' m no longer emotionally attached to him. Thanks for answering. I'm sorry that you invested in someone that was basically using you. Shouldn't be hard to find someone much better
Author Hornachero Posted October 30, 2012 Author Posted October 30, 2012 I am not staying with my girlfriend for sex. I know I can have it easily with other girls as well. I am staying with her because I don't want to hurt her feelings. I guess I am just hoping for something to happen that will give us an excuse to separate without making things personal. Like it's not her fault or anything. She is soooo fragile, doesn't really have friends, and I feel that a breakup is more than what she can handle right now. I know it is very presumptuous of me to think that the girl will crumble and die if I let her down but that is how I feel. I know some of us have this twisted sense of morality and feel responsible for our partners (thank you Maddy1984 for sharing your story) - I guess I am trying to find ways to breakup with her as painlessly as possible (if possible!).
verhrzn Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 Ya know, it is possible that she isn't as madly in love with you as she seems, and that if you were to break up with her, her feelings wouldn't be as hurt as you imagined. Maybe the reason you don't break up with her is because you're afraid she'll actually shrug and go," Oh okay, whatever." Either way, you can't just assume what her feelings will be. If you break up in a polite and thoughtful manner, it might turn out her feelings aren't very hurt at all. (Or they are hurt but will heal quickly.) Also, aren't you hurting her feelings MORE by staying with her even though you don't like her that much?
matteomricci Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 Yes, I do relate! I stayed with my ex-girlfriend one year before finding a "non-personal" way to break up with her. The company I am working for offered me the opportunity to move to other end of the country (with a substantial raise) and I said yes knowing that she would never leave because she is very attached to her family. She was sad but she didn't take it personal which was big relief.
InJest Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 You have several easy options to end this: 1. Just ignore her altogether and block all mediums of contact until she gets the picture, and stops trying to contact you. Just pretend she died. You could also just break up with her via text and tell her not to contact you anymore. Just text her out of the blue, "We're broken up. Don't call me anymore." Don't respond to any subsequent texts/calls from her. One of these will be the easiest for you. 2. Start being a complete dick to her, and treat her as a maid-prostitute, until she is fed up and breaks up with you. Your girl sounds like the type that may actually be okay with this treatment, so not sure if this is your answer. 3. Have sex with another girl, then tell her about it. You also have the option of not having sex with another girl, but telling her that you did and can't continue. Either way, it's not her fault. 4. Tell her that your friend said he saw her kissing another guy when he was out the other night. Break up with her for it.
verhrzn Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 You have several easy options to end this: 1. Just ignore her altogether and block all mediums of contact until she gets the picture, and stops trying to contact you. Just pretend she died. You could also just break up with her via text and tell her not to contact you anymore. Just text her out of the blue, "We're broken up. Don't call me anymore." Don't respond to any subsequent texts/calls from her. One of these will be the easiest for you. 2. Start being a complete dick to her, and treat her as a maid-prostitute, until she is fed up and breaks up with you. Your girl sounds like the type that may actually be okay with this treatment, so not sure if this is your answer. 3. Have sex with another girl, then tell her about it. You also have the option of not having sex with another girl, but telling her that you did and can't continue. Either way, it's not her fault. 4. Tell her that your friend said he saw her kissing another guy when he was out the other night. Break up with her for it. .... Yes, because none of THOSE will hurt her feelings. My God. Just break up with her already. Stop being such a freaking coward and just do it before you make it worse. 1
GorillaTheater Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 .... Yes, because none of THOSE will hurt her feelings. My God. Just break up with her already. Stop being such a freaking coward and just do it before you make it worse. There's too many people who can't end a relationship without unnecessary drama and bullsh*t. Do I have to spell out how to handle a break in a mature and civilized way?
InJest Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 .... Yes, because none of THOSE will hurt her feelings. My God. Just break up with her already. Stop being such a freaking coward and just do it before you make it worse. There's no way to do it without hurting her feelings. I was trying to give him easy options, so he will be more inclined to actually do it.
verhrzn Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 There's no way to do it without hurting her feelings. I was trying to give him easy options, so he will be more inclined to actually do it. I dunno, I think him sitting her down and telling her," I don't like you as much as I should. I'm dumping you," and then walking away would probably be the best. I have pretty sensitive baby-feelings, and that'd be the best option for me. If at all possible, give her advance warning so she can show up wearing make-up and her best push-up bra.
InJest Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 I dunno, I think him sitting her down and telling her," I don't like you as much as I should. I'm dumping you," and then walking away would probably be the best. I have pretty sensitive baby-feelings, and that'd be the best option for me. If at all possible, give her advance warning so she can show up wearing make-up and her best push-up bra. He's already tried that several times. Why would you want to wear make up and push up bra to a dumping? To show him what he's missing out on??
verhrzn Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 He's already tried that several times. Why would you want to wear make up and push up bra to a dumping? To show him what he's missing out on?? *Shrugs* Feel better about yourself. If you were getting dumped, would you rather look fantastic or like hell? "Tried" means he hasn't done it strongly enough. If he makes it clear, in person, without discussion, that should be the end of it.
utterer of lies Posted October 31, 2012 Posted October 31, 2012 I am not staying with my girlfriend for sex. I know I can have it easily with other girls as well. I am staying with her because I don't want to hurt her feelings. I guess I am just hoping for something to happen that will give us an excuse to separate without making things personal. Like it's not her fault or anything. She is soooo fragile, doesn't really have friends, and I feel that a breakup is more than what she can handle right now. I know it is very presumptuous of me to think that the girl will crumble and die if I let her down but that is how I feel. I know some of us have this twisted sense of morality and feel responsible for our partners (thank you Maddy1984 for sharing your story) - I guess I am trying to find ways to breakup with her as painlessly as possible (if possible!). You need to accept that you will hurt her. You already did hurt her, she just didn't realize it yet because you are still lying to her. You don't need to concoct some elaborate plot like some in this thread suggested, just tell her that it's over and that you don't want to see her anymore. And for her own good, limit communications or go NC. Be a man, break up and walk away.
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