amb8807 Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 Hey, I'm new here. My name is Amber, I'm 24 years old. I was married before for 4 years (yes, I got married way too young) but have now been divorced for almost 2 years. I have two awesome kids, Jackson, who just turned 4, and Carly who will be 3 in December. I come here today with a problem that I am stuck on. I have been with a guy for 9-10 months now. In the beginning, everything was perfect. He is also divorced, has two kids ages 6 & 3. He has a great job, owns his house, truck, boat, etc. He is responsible and a good dad. Like I said, in the beginning he treated me like a queen, better than I thought anyone would ever treat me. I recieved flowers 2-3 times a week for the first month. He was sensitive and affectionate. He listened to me. After dating around 5 months, my kids & I decided to move in with him. My son was ready to start preschool and I was furthering my education in the same area he lived. Before this, we lived about 30-40 minutes away, so for the purpose of my son & my schooling, as we got more and more serious, we decided that moving in, although it was really soon, seemed like the best choice. After we have been living with him for a few months, things just keep going down hill. He hasn't been affectionate for 6 months now. He says 'this is just how he is' and 'its just my personality' but he knows this bothers me so much. I can't remember when he last touched me. Even to hug me, kiss me or cuddle with me, NOTHING! I don't understand how someone can be so distant. When I try to get close to him he moves away and laughs jokingly about it, but still wont let me touch him. We have sex around 2 times a week (which in my opinion is not enough) and he definitely gets taken care of ANY time he asks for it. But more times than not, when I initiate it, he rejects me, stating he is too tired or 'doesn't want to have to shower afterwards' (He thinks he HAS to shower after any sexual contact) Sometimes I think this all has to do with the fact that I believe he is addicted to porn. While porn now and again doesnt bother me, it's completely out of hand with him. He watches porn around 5-6 times a week. I think this is hindering his sexual desire for me. I feel extremely unattractive to him. He NEVER tells me I look good. He hasn't said I look good for around 6-7 months. He has gone as far as to tell me that he thinks I need to have a boob job. While I've thought of doing this before we got together, it's made me feel even worse about myself. He's talked of me getting that done, maybe having my butt done as well, and then getting my nipples pierced. He asked me to try going blonde back in June, (I've ALWAYS had really dark hair) so I agreed to try it once. Now I say I want to go back to dark hair and he gets really angry with me because he wants me to keep it blonde. I feel like he is trying to make me into a porn star. I really think he has a problem. And while I've brought this up to him, he tells me that I'm being psychotic and that he doesnt have any addiction to porn. And speaking of addiction... This guy is addicted, I mean ADDICTED to facebook, the internet, his iPhone, etc. He is constantly on facebook, scrolling through peoples pictures and profiles, usually of girls. It doesn't bother me now and again but it's starting to get to me because its ALL THE TIME. When we go to dinner, he is on facebook. When we watch a movie, he is on facebook. Right now we are on the couch, he is on facebook and has been for the past hour. It's driving me insane. He has no drug or alcohol addictions, or anything like that. He is very successful, like I said, at 26 he owns a business, a very nice home in a subdivision on a lake, owns a 2012 GMC Sierra Denali, a 2012 camaro, a very nice boat, pays all of his bills on time, is very well known and respected in his community. Goes to church on sundays and has his kids enrolled at a private school. He seems so perfect on the outside, but this lack of affection is KILLING ME. I cry myself to sleep at night. Sometimes he thinks it's funny to hold me down (he is 200 lbs, I am 105 lbs) and punch me in my leg or arm, and sometimes he leaves bruises, which he finds hilarious, even though some times I'm truly hurt. He tells me to stop being a baby. I don't really know if the fact that he laughs and says he's 'playing with me' keeps it from being classified as abuse or what, but I've told him many times how he hurts me but he tells me to get over it. I am expected to do all house chores as well as take care of all four kids. This would be fine, except that I work full-time, and I go to school full-time. I feel like I have NO time for anything. Once again, he tells me to grow up and stop feeling sorry for myself. (A famous line he likes to say when I get upset). He has never apologized for anything he does. And when we do argue, he always threatens to kick me out, and says that I'm replaceable and he will have another girl there in 2 weeks. This hurts me so much. He makes me feel as though I am never good enough because he always nit picks at what I didn't do. (For instance, I'll clean the entire house, but if I forgot to put a new roll of toilet paper on, we have a HUGE blow out because I am 'incapable' of being responsible) I feel like I'm constantly being told what I am doing wrong and how I need to improve. I feel like not only am I not good enough in that area, but also am not attractive enough or worthy of his love and affection. We argue constantly about the smalled things. We can't seem to go a day without arguing. And I am always the one at fault. I can't stand it. I want so badly to stay with him and make everything work out, especially because our kids all love each other and are used to things being like this now. He refuses to see a couples councelor, he says that I am the only one who needs counceling. I can't bear to think of taking my son out of his preschool, where he loves it so much. But if we break up, that may be my only choice. I don't know what to do to make him happy or make him see that I am trying my very best. I am so depressed, I don't know what to do. I try talking to him but he says I am just feeling sorry for myself and that he is completely content with no affection, or anything. He would rather sit in silence all night than for me to tell him about my day, apparently that annoys him. He doesn't want to ever tell me about his day either. I'm not sure where to turn. I've made an appointment with a therapist for next week, I just need advice on what to do. I'm so this is SOOO long. but I really needed to vent. Any advice is so appreciated. I feel like I didnt even cut into half of the problems we have.
TigerCub Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 Hey Amb, Ok. Lets see: - He's abusive physically - He's abusive emotionally I could stop right here and that should actually make your answer quite clear - that you need to leave him. but lets go on... - He wants to change you - He's addicted to porn (according to your findings) and withholds affection from you. - He's controlling (in the way he gets angry when you want to color your hair dark) - He's controlling and abusive in the way he threatens to kick you out... Now you: - You are immature and you jump into situations without thinking about them and considering what you're putting yourself into. If it were just you, I'd think "Fine, whatever, everyone should make their choices and learn from their mistakes" but - you are thoughtlessly putting your helpless children into these situations. You're making them live with an abusive ******* that you yourself barely know for a few months. Really? You need to grow the **** up and realize that your actions affect your children and you need to smarten up and think of them. As for "Oh I don't want to move out because all the kids love each other" blah blah noise - whatever - take them out of a home where they live with that abusive ******* and take them out of an environment where there is constant fighting and constant misery. Kids shouldn't have to grow up in such miserable conditions. So where is your ex (I'm assuming he's the kids father) where is he? Is he still in the kids' lives? What does he think of this situation that you're in.
mammasita Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 I've made the mistake of moving in with a man too soon and I have an 11 year old son. You need to remove yourself and your children from this situation immediately. Rushing into cohabitating was your biggest mistake. Please get out for the sake of your kids.
Annabell Posted October 30, 2012 Posted October 30, 2012 Amber I am so sorry for what you are going though. I too married perhaps to young and that relationship didn't work out, in part because he started to turn into the kind of man you describe in post (controlling, abusive, distant). I know it can be hard to listen to, but you do need to get out of there. You aren't safe, your kids aren't safe, and please try to believe me when I say he is not going to get better. Any man who is willing to be this way is not going to wake up and realize that it's wrong. He will only get worse. You are too young (and any age is too young for this) to resign yourself to a man who doesn't appreciate you and make you happy. I know how hard it is to imagine your life away from that when you're in it, but believe me that if you get out, even if it's hard, you will be so, so grateful that you did. No one you are in a relationship with should make you feel worse. There are so many men out there, men who either are also divorced and have kids or who don't but won't have a problem with the fact that you do who will love you as you are and not want you to change. What this guy is doing is sick, and worse of all, he's able to make you feel like it's okay somehow. You need to leave. Find a women's shelter near you to get advice from if you don't feel safe leaving, because that can be scary, too. But you have to believe that it will get better and there are better men out there for you. No one needs to be with someone who wants to change them so much, who doesn't love and appreciate them. I went through that, I felt terrified of trying to date again as a young divorcee, and my life has been amazing. I just had to make a post because I feel guilty of how much more my new boyfriend loves me than I love him! You will find better men, you will feel better about yourself, and you will be loved. It sounds so much scarier than it is. If you aren't ready to actually leave yet, please try to fin a counselor or a hotline or anyone you can talk to. They can help you find the strength you need to finally pack up and go.
Author amb8807 Posted November 1, 2012 Author Posted November 1, 2012 Thanks everyone for replying. I agree leaving him is what I need to do. I just have a lot to figure out. TigerCub, what you said hit me the hardest. I really appreciate you being so blunt with me. Everything you said is completely true, I am going to be looking at some places to live and I'm going to tell him I'm leaving. Thanks everyone.
TigerCub Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 Thanks everyone for replying. I agree leaving him is what I need to do. I just have a lot to figure out. TigerCub, what you said hit me the hardest. I really appreciate you being so blunt with me. Everything you said is completely true, I am going to be looking at some places to live and I'm going to tell him I'm leaving. Thanks everyone. Hi Amb, I did come off pretty blunt, I'm glad that you got the message I was saying and I am sorry if it came off as hurtful - that wasn't my intention. I just feel really strongly that parents absolutely must put their children's well-being before anything. I'm glad that you are thinking about your next step and that you do see that this man is abusive and that you and your children deserve so much better. Best of luck to you
kiss_andmakeup Posted November 1, 2012 Posted November 1, 2012 I know I'll only be echoing at this point but you need to leave. Now. You seem very fixated on all of the nice things he has: his success, his house in a nice area, his car(s), his boat. I am not calling you shallow, but I think you see these things as proof that he must be a good/decent person when in fact they are not at all. His attitude toward you and obvious sexual/emotional dysfunction is more than reason enough to leave him. Then add to that that he regularly holds you down and punches you, sometimes leaving bruises?? Girl, are you crazy? You're exposing your kids to this. They're young now, but it won't be long before they realize what's going on. You are young, beautiful, and have your whole life for yourself and your kids ahead of you. To waste your life with this abusive (emotionally and physically) jerk is just that...a waste.
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