I'm Married, got to close to someone, that's over, but I'm sad

[2sure]

Another example of how a happily married person can end up cheating or in an inappropriate relationship. We all like attention. At certain times of our lives or parts of our marriages...we appreciate it even more. During a time when your spouse is occupied with small children or intense work, when we arent for some reason feeling great about ourselves personally, when we hit uh....our 40s - extremely typical and not hard to understand. You stand too close to the fire, thinking you will just warm up a little - next thing you know , youre on fire and/or youve burned things to the ground.

 

Im not here to stone you or take away that warm fuzzy feeling. I dont know whether or not you should tell your wife.

 

I do know that you thought this woman shared your feelings and maybe she did. But when it came down to it, she threw you under the bus and said please disapppear. Thats ...the Opposite of a real connection. I point this out only because.....picture this:

 

Her boyfriend, that she never told you about (and may have been taking on that generous california trip you offered) found out and she clearly is afraid you will text her and make him even angrier. She is concerned about her relationship because men take cheating very very hard. They are more apt to contact MM and his spouse.

 

So if he does this, your wife - Im assuming would not be happy. What if , she found out you were meeting her out, buying her gifts, and even offering to pay for her and a friends vacation?? What if your wife was so upset, that she left you?

 

Would you miss her more than you are missing your special friend? Because this is a real possibility.

[Realist3]

Private communication is the gateway to affairs? WOW!!!!

[woinlove]

Private communication is the gateway to affairs? WOW!!!!

 

As I understand it, the point being made is that it adds another lie (by omission or whatever) to his interactions with his W. He can't tell his W that he helped another woman on an infidelity forum who was betrayed by her H, helping her understand her H better. And, if he tells his W after the fact, it just emphasizes how much distance he put between his W and him before he decided to be honest and open about his interactions with and feelings for the hairdresser. Deception in a M sucks any way you do it.

[Realist3]

As I understand it, the point being made is that it adds another lie (by omission or whatever) to his interactions with his W. He can't tell his W that he helped another woman on an infidelity forum who was betrayed by her H, helping her understand her H better. And, if he tells his W after the fact, it just emphasizes how much distance he put between his W and him before he decided to be honest and open about his interactions with and feelings for the hairdresser. Deception in a M sucks any way you do it.

 

 

That is pretty convoluted. It is just a discussion. Maybe I will start another thread about this topic.

[mercy]

Why can't you do it on the open forum? You are anonymous.

 

The way I see it, you are actively encouraging another poster who has just had a very close encounter with infidelity to contact you in secret. Seems wrong to me. Doesn't he already have enough secrets from his wife?

 

So wrong on so many levels.

[Snowflower]

Unfortunately, the op hasn't posted in several days. I hope everything is going okay for him.

[comeon]

Unfortunately, the op hasn't posted in several days. I hope everything is going okay for him.

 

Hi Snowflower.... I did tell myself that this forum is just too much for me to handle right now. I just think it's all sad. I can't stand all the hurt people and in some cases the lack of understanding that a lot of people, like me, get caught up in stuff for whatever reason and just don't see what might be obvious to people here that have seen it all before. I just don't see myself as a "bad" person so it's hard to be here because it makes me feel "bad". I couldn't resist checking today however and something about your posts is very kind and inviting, if I'm being honest. Thanks again.

 

I can't answer some of the questions here because I don't think I'm really in a position and some of the stuff is still confusing for me. I do feel like I understand things a lot better.

 

One of the biggest issues I have with some of the posts is the confusion with the obvious truths I could see in hindsight and what I felt was true at the time. I guess I just can't convey what I thought. For instance, I don't think I would have ever gone through with the physical... but have admitted in hindsight that I was extremely attracted to her physically. I honestly think we have enough in place to not go that far. Now, because the feelings were so intense in hindsight I could very well be wrong. It's very odd to explain. I didn't see why "loving" this person could be bad. I thought she was awesome and, likely exacerbated because of external stressors, really wanted to help her and was soooo compelled to do so. On the face of it... it didn't seem like a bad thing.

 

I did a little thinking on the gifts too... her actual gifts to me amounted to more then I ever gave her. Hell, I barely ended up doing anything, but would have liked to. The idea that she used me is slightly overstated... probably because of the way I explained it. Now I did offer a lot more... she fought it pretty good tho. It gets clearer everyday. I really think I was pushing more than she was. Not making excuses for her or me but that's how I see it now. I remember so many instances of me telling my wife about her and how great I thought she was. At some point this changed and I stopped mentioning it. I remember trying to find guys to set her up with and things like that... but again, I really think I just was falling for her and, again in hindsight, it likely would have gotten bad, and I'm happy it got stopped.

 

I counted everything up for those interested. 2.5months from start to end.

- One 30min lunch

- One 30min eyeglass choice... we both got glasses right near her workplace

- One concert where we "hung out" with others including her friends and mine who actually know my wife well

- One night for drinks, about 3hours

- 63 text messages over the whole time. That sounds like a lot but it's really not.. most one word stuff. I've reviewed them... most innocent but a few "I can't wait to see you" things in there also. I counted about 5 things I'd like to have not said. Nothing sexual at all.

- 12 emails. I've reviewed them... most innocent but a couple I wrote are ****ing badass actually... I think you're great and don't want anything in return kind of stuff but written very nicely... I'd fall in love with me(kidding sorry)

- 8 Hugs... fairly friendly... not all at once. hi and bye on different occasions

- 1 kiss... both closed lips, for about one second.

 

People seem to be interested in the details so there ya go... no trickle out truth. I did that for myself just as a review. None of it is right... but in my mind was all the bad stuff. I think I was waaaay more into her than me... again, that's hindsight.

 

I still do miss her, or at least I did when I thought I hurt her and her boyfriend. Now that I know where we landed I feel better. I really hope she does well in her life. I'll admit I worry about her and her relationships with men for various reasons but I know that's certainly not my place. It's hard to disconnect these feelings from what's actually right and wrong. I just think I care for her like my daughter or something. geesh, that sounds odd but I hope it makes sense.

 

Now I did mention that she had her boyfriend call me and I missed the call but called him right back... I had a feeling it was him. I went over every single detail and we made peace and I feel much better. She thanked me and he thanked me and I think they're doing well now... He really wanted the details. He doesn't have a problem with us being friends or me going get my haircut. We actually knew each other before she met him... but it was much less at that time. She did text me after to thank me and I made it clear that I don't want to go back to where it seemed we were heading and that I hope it works out for her and her boyfriend. No texts or emails since and, while I've been tempted to "check in", but that's just not right IMO so I've resisted it. I think that was awesome that she had him call with no real idea of how it would go. I think it shows some strength on her part and his. Bottom line is I feel so much better about that and obviously have no jealously or issues with her moving on. She didn't tell me about the boyfriend because we were just having too good of a time and I think both didn't see what's obviously wrong now.

 

Now, the important part, my wife. She's still awesome and I see some things now, especially working with my new psychologist, that we need to get stronger. I haven't said everything but its interesting that some of the things I was going through are exactly what I think she's gone through in the past couple of years... it's strange actually. I mentioned the emotional affair I saw and we stopped but there's a couple of other things I can kinda see now. Same kinda altruistic stuff turned emotional too. She's a good person and I think I am also. I know she loves me though, and I certainly love her. I hope we can actually do some couple counseling soon and well see what comes. We're both very committed to our kids and each other. I don't have issues with our sex life etc... I'm pretty forgiving about most things... maybe too much so. We've been talking about what we do after the kids leave and things like that. She really is an awesome person with a few flaws like everyone. I want to work with her to get stronger.

 

I need to figure out things about myself and where I'm headed as well. I don't think I'm that broken but everyone could always be stronger.

 

So, besides some crappy work things going on, I think I'm doing pretty good.

Edited November 6, 2012 by comeon

[comeon]

Obviously the problem isn't what you actually "did" with the hairdresser, because what you did wasn't very much at all.

 

...

 

"Awesome"? "tons and tons in common"? Do you realize you are verbalizing like a fourteen year old? Snap out of it buddy, you're a 44 year old man. Stop talking, and acting, like an adolescent child.

 

Also find a new place to get your haircut. For the time being, stick with Tony the old Italian male barber.

 

You make some good points. Thanks for the honest comments. I've been around a long time and as I mentioned, can have my choice of lots of women. Everyone has different tastes and I think she had a lot of things that fit really well with me. I guess I could just start explaining but I'm not sure what the point is anymore. It's just too much to get into. Non affair love isn't exactly logical in the first ****ing place is it... it's all dopamine and ****. I'm not stupid but those feelings are very real... the connections, no matter how stupid to others are as real as they are to you. When you first see some people you can be instantly drawn to the eyes, the face, the smile, the body, and on and on... this is just how it is. That **** happened to me, what can I say.. caught me off guard. It's just as valid for a 44 year old as it is a 14 year old. I'll admit some of it is silly in hindsight. I'll also admit some of it felt ****ing fantastic while it was going on.

 

I think your post is a serious underestimation of our "connection". I think it's an over simplification of everything else as well. Doesn't bother me that much though. I get it... knew I'd get a lot of that. She actually is really smart and extremely attractive to me and we do have a whole lot in common. That said, yes, obviously there are other things at work. The biggest thing I uncovered is that this started when my nephew who lived with us for years committed suicide and she was so nice and understanding... I think I started trying to "help" her at first to feel better about not stopping that suicide but didn't really see it. that's a big and heavy and more complicated than I'm doing it justice... but there were a few other things that happened this year and I think i used her as a "happy place". That makes me the wrong one... not her... I really believe I did most of the pushing... but like you said we didn't even go that far. I'm more surprised about the aftermath and me honestly reviewing my feelings.

 

I don't know if you read everything but I'm really happy how it turned out and I'm moving on. She's a great person and I really care for her. I actually think I owe her for quite a few things. Some will argue there's a danger of going back there but I've already made clear to her and myself so i feel I'm in a good place. I guess because I feel I know her pretty well and I think I'm a good judge of character so it's easier for me to see the real and not all the stuff you spouted in your post about her being a gold digger etc... but I do understand why you might feel that way. I just really hope she has an awesome life. That just won't change. I'm a fairly emotional and passionate man so it could be very true that I'm seeing things in a somewhat illogical way. I'm ok with that too. I'll likely keep evaluating this **** for some time to come.

 

I have this sad realization that there are others just like me that don't know what they're getting into and will go even further than I did I guess that's just the world we live in? It would be great if people did know the things that so many seem to know here. If you knew me and everything about me you'd know what I mean...

[comeon]

LOL despite posting this thread you can't resist the impulse to brag about how desirable you supposedly are to so many women. Which means you are actually quite insecure sexually. So insecure that despite having all these great opportunities you set your sights on the lowest common denominator, your hair dresser.

 

This really has nothing to do with the hairdresser, this is about feeling insecure in your marriage and with your wife. Obsessing over the hairdresser fantasy love affair is a way to take your mind off your marriage, but it's not going to fix what's wrong in your marriage.

 

Hah, I guess this is what honesty gets you? I can't really prove any of this so it's sort of a worthless argument. I'm not sure why all the venom... jealous? or is this really supposed to help? I replied before you finished but it's more complicated then you're making it. I'm not sure why I'm even offering a reply at this point but lets just say I'm doing pretty damned good in life and not insecure sexually, financially, or in my marriage. I've got some things to work on sure but my 25years have been great and they'll get better.

[comeon]

It actually sounds like OP is not happy in his marriage at all, he's lost and confused.

 

His wife had a prior emotional affair which was swept under the rug.

 

They are talking about what to do after the children leave the house. That's an indirect inference that they are just waiting for the kids to leave the next before splitting up.

 

Let's look at the reality, OP's wife cheated on him emotionally and he never really got over it.

 

He's not super rich but evidently has plenty of money so he could get divorced and neither of them will really suffer financially.

 

Maybe the hairdresser was just a dry run for the real deal either before or after the divorce---practice at a post-marital relationship with a woman who is likely much younger than his wife.

 

Most likely the OP is used to being treated as just a wallet, clearly that's what the hairdresser must think and likely that's how his wife's treated him too.

 

OP is so insecure in his ability to get and keep a woman that he though he had to offer his fantasy girl plane tickets for her AND a friend to keep her interested.

 

You don't think that kind of sexual and emotional insecurity shines through and is apparent to the wife in the marriage too? Of course it is, and it does.

 

OP, what you should seriously think about doing is really having it out with your wife about her emotional affair with the soldier in Afghanistan, she has never been held to account for that vile breach of her marital vows.

 

Ok, I should be done but the talking about the children leaving the house was something I've been reading and learning about other couples having issues after that happens... it's a proactive attempt to keep things strong. Again, I'm not sure why you're taking everything to it's most negative.

 

"Vile Breach" ... geeeez that's ridiculous to me. Wife never hid anything about the "pen pal" and we discussed everything. We both have all email passwords and besides my **** I didn't tell her it's pretty much all out there. It was short and after I pointed out that I think he was falling in love with her she ended it immediately. I kinda feel bad for the guy. I was just relating it to my situation of wanting to help someone and it going too far. Nothing was swept under the rug. I actually brought up things I think i could do better to fill any gaps she might have had and it was very helpful. Like I said she's great, we're great, kids are great, and I'm not happy about a lot of what happened.

 

I honesty don't expect to sway you here but since I'm on here while you're posting it seemed good to at least challenge some of your assumptions

[comeon]

OK everything's great, that's fine.

 

So why did you post anyway?

 

Good for you that you had a flirtation with the hairdresser, everything's great, nothing really happend. So what's with all your angst about it?

 

Do you want other people to be impressed by your magnificient infatuation with your....hairdresser?

 

Sorry, I'm not impressed, and I'm certainly not jealous.

 

Should you tell your wife?

 

I think it would be foolish, and the only reason you would do it would be to hurt her feelings. Others may feel differently.

 

You sound to me like a guy with a tremendous amount of issues but in denial so simultaneously while expressing all this angst you have to insist that everything is just great.

 

 

Well, fine. Have a great life.

 

Posted early on because I was confused about how this could happen. Got a lot of good replies and it did help. My angst was/is all about how can I feel this way and how did this happen. It's been a long ride with my wife and I honestly thing it's been great. I did have ample opportunity to stray but never did... so what the hell happened to me is what I'm most interested in. Since then, it's been a while now, I've learned a lot. Just kind of working through it.

 

Maybe everything isn't "great" and maybe some of that is just in defense of your aggressive posts... not sure really. Sorry about that... I'm sure you're actually trying to help also in your own way. But things are certainly better and at least pretty good I think it turned out well considering is my only point on that.

 

I re-reading some of the posts and it is a little defensively arrogant sounding for sure. Again I mentioned all that at the start because I thought it was odd that I appear to have so few issues externally... can't really complain about health, finances, friends, or my immediate family... and I still ****ed up. Not sure if that makes any sense but that's the honest reason for posting that stuff.

 

The biggest thing I want now is to figure out exactly what's going on and get stronger. Like I mentioned there are quite a few things going on in my life and while I don't need everyone here to care I post because I thought that was the point of this site. Some people have been really helpful and I appreciate it.

[Snowflower]

comeon, do not feel pressured to answer anything here or defend yourself against wild posts.

 

Take what is helpful to you and leave the rest.

 

Have you told your wife yet? Reading your your post where you summed up your interactions with your friend, you mentioned being with her at a concert where some of your wife's friends were? Don't you think there might be a chance to that one of these friends will mention something to your wife, albeit innocently such as, "Oh hey, we missed you at that concert a few months ago. Your husband was there with so-and-so. It's too bad you couldn't have come too. We would have loved to see you." Something that innocent and the truth is out.

[2sure]

I for one think this particular thread is generating some important thoughts and conversations about boundaries, validation, risk, and friendship. While I fall into the group that , as a wife, would not be comfortable with OPs actions ...this is a Realistic and Common situation.

 

I hate to have a poster reprimanded right out of being interested in discussion. Thats why were here right?

[comeon]

comeon, do not feel pressured to answer anything here or defend yourself against wild posts.

 

Take what is helpful to you and leave the rest.

 

Have you told your wife yet? Reading your your post where you summed up your interactions with your friend, you mentioned being with her at a concert where some of your wife's friends were? Don't you think there might be a chance to that one of these friends will mention something to your wife, albeit innocently such as, "Oh hey, we missed you at that concert a few months ago. Your husband was there with so-and-so. It's too bad you couldn't have come too. We would have loved to see you." Something that innocent and the truth is out.

 

I know I don't have to defend. It was just so aggressively negative towards me and the other woman that I felt the need to defend. I get it. I can see how it must appear. I'm right here though... I know... and while my vision is not clear because of many reasons this woman is a good person. She was before and still is now. And just because she's a hairdresser, a good one, doesn't mean she's somehow less than worthy or someone that will never accomplish anything in life. That's just a really mean thing to say. So I guess I just feel the need to defend her honor a bit. This thing was much more about me doing wrong things than her despite how it may sound.

 

I'd be ok with the concert information getting out to my wife. Part of my comfort with that encounter was because I was pretending everything was innocent. And, now of course, I know it wasn't.

 

I've not told her everything. So far both psychologists have said they didn't think it was worth mentioning. But the new one is much more of the "right now" mindset. I think at some point it becomes healthy to get past that. Saw the new psychologist again today and she doesn't even want to talk about the "affair" just what's going on with me. What's changed over the years etc... and why am I so restless. We're getting somewhere. Work is the biggest negative stressor and thing that has changed. Nephew's suicide and my Dad almost dying are the other big two things. Getting old and realizing it it. All that crap. Still working through it all. As sad and selfish as it sounds I'm just not used to losing anything and this year have lost a whole lot. I've been spoiled is certainly part of it... I think.

[BetrayedH]

Have you told your wife yet?

 

This is the one part that is still missing. Comeon, I hope you get there.

[Snowflower]

 

I've not told her everything. So far both psychologists have said they didn't think it was worth mentioning. But the new one is much more of the "right now" mindset. I think at some point it becomes healthy to get past that. Saw the new psychologist again today and she doesn't even want to talk about the "affair" just what's going on with me. What's changed over the years etc... and why am I so restless. We're getting somewhere. Work is the biggest negative stressor and thing that has changed. Nephew's suicide and my Dad almost dying are the other big two things. Getting old and realizing it it. All that crap. Still working through it all. As sad and selfish as it sounds I'm just not used to losing anything and this year have lost a whole lot. I've been spoiled is certainly part of it... I think.

 

Thanks for answering my question about the concert!

 

FWIW, I'm glad you're finding some value in counseling and it seems they are helping you dig into why you are restless and what is/was going on with you. IMO, this friendship with the hairdresser is indicative of something that is going on with you.

 

The sooner you are able to figure out why you let yourself get so close to this woman and what she offered in terms of companionship, the better off you will be and ready to move forward.

[woinlove]

Of course, my wife knew nothing of this.

No way my wife would like that sh*t.

 

You know your W better than your counsellor does and, from what you said about your W in your first post, it seems you know she would not like what you were doing for months.

 

She actually asked who I was going with... I said co-workers and she said great cuz she wanted to 'hang" with me.

 

As to the OW, you seem to still be idolizing her. You say she pushed for lunch and it seems she was happy you weren't going to the concert with your wife.

 

Now I really did have strong feeling for her. Not just physical. Can't make that point enough, we were soooo on the same page it seemed. I told her a few times that I thought she'd find an awesome guy and he wouldn't like me so this likely wouldn't last but I appreciate her. She would say, that may happen but I don't want you out of my life and other things along those lines.

 

It seems like the OW not only didn't mention she had a bf, but that she actively lied to you about that.

 

She texts back "I'm in trouble, I hurt someones feelings real bad, can't talk tonight, don't text back" and I was really confused and worried that she might be in trouble.

 

Even when her bf found out about you two and was hurt, she was still lying. Someone? Really?

 

 

Even among people who have affairs, most do not lie to their AP about being committed to someone else. It shows an extra lack of integrity. Not sure why you are defending this woman's behavior.

[comeon]

You know your W better than your counsellor does and, from what you said about your W in your first post, it seems you know she would not like what you were doing for months.

 

As to the OW, you seem to still be idolizing her. You say she pushed for lunch and it seems she was happy you weren't going to the concert with your wife.

 

It seems like the OW not only didn't mention she had a bf, but that she actively lied to you about that.

 

Even when her bf found out about you two and was hurt, she was still lying. Someone? Really?

 

Even among people who have affairs, most do not lie to their AP about being committed to someone else. It shows an extra lack of integrity. Not sure why you are defending this woman's behavior.

 

These are all really good points. Don't really have a logical defense. I'm not sure why I am going out of my way to defend her either. For some reason I believe it was more me than her still. And that she is a really good person who I really care for. I still sort of miss her smile and things like that which makes me feel really stupid. WTF is that? It's getting more and more pushed out of my head but why do I even go there. Dopamine still kicking around? Work changes still crappy so I miss my happy place?

 

I really like these points laid out like this, however. I've gotten some pretty good closure about this with everyone except my wife now... and I know that's a big deal but I will consider these words as they may help me see other errors in my "friendships" in the future. Thanks.

Edited November 7, 2012 by comeon

[Waytoblue]

Comeon,I want to say I respect the fact you have sought help with a psycologist.I also respect the fact you can at least say you do love your wife.

And the fact you are seeing some issues and trying to work through them.I wish you the best of luck and hope everything turns out well for you.

 

It could be worse,denial of any wrong doing or issues,trying to drive your wife insane throwing the romantic interest in your wife's face repeatedly with a smile.It.could.be.much.worse.Comeon,you can get past this and you can improve everything...including yourself.I am personally rooting for you.

[comeon]

Would it be accurate to say that your image is very important to you?

 

I bet the image you project is an all around nice successful friendly guy, is that right? Ever feel like a fake? Ever feel insecure? Ever feel like maybe you don't deserve what you've got?

 

As I mentioned before, I'm a former ow....and I've had quite the education in the ways of cheating, as my father was a serial cheater and my own dabble in the dark side.

 

Your almost ow is not all innocent and without blame here. She KNEW she had a b/f and she knew that he wouldn't approve had he known of what you two were doing and she KNEW you were married and that your wife wouldn't appreciate the attention and the gifts you were giving her. She like yourself and like many people do, rationalized it, even lied to herself about the seriousness of it. You both told yourself, oh we aren't really doing anything. Right?

 

I've been thinking about this kind of stuff lately. Really trying to be honest. This is hard to talk about because when you try to be honest it can make you sound egotistical or pathetic depending on the topic. But let me try here.

 

I think my image is important to me at this point in my life. I'll tell a little story of what's happened to me that the psychologist drew out of me. For a long time I think I was a socially awkward nerd. That's a pretty good description. My wife and I did this working out thing about 5 years ago... always been a runner, mostly for just staying heart healthy etc... I got in really good shape and remain that way. My wife and everyone around me definitely let me know I looked good and I'm sure that fed my ego. I became really successful in my job and part of that is looking good also. My wife really pushed my clothes and shoes etc... afford the nice car etc... so all of that gave a lot of positive attention also and further drove the ego. I became much more confident and much more outgoing. My wife is very happy about these changes and I really am too. I never got to be a complete douche or mean or too braggy or any of what could happen... I would like to believe some of my 35+ years not being as successful or in good shape etc... kept me grounded. Again, I hope that comes off as an honest attempt to answer the question and not bragging. I would definitely say that I enjoyed/enjoy the positive reinforcement I've gotten over these "successful" years... not sure if that's a bad thing or just normal??

 

So, no, I honestly don't think I've ever felt like a fake or that I'm trying to hard. I'd like to think I'm a pretty good guy and fun to be around. I give a lot. Don't ask or need too much. All that said though, I've been evaluating this kind of thing to make sure I don't go to a bad place. I honestly feel lucky to have so much and such good people around me.

 

And, yes, you are certainly right about the rationalization on both our parts.

 

Thanks for the comments and I hope I answered the questions. Curious what you think about all that and what why you asked?

[comeon]

Comeon,I want to say I respect the fact you have sought help with a psycologist.I also respect the fact you can at least say you do love your wife.

And the fact you are seeing some issues and trying to work through them.I wish you the best of luck and hope everything turns out well for you.

 

It could be worse,denial of any wrong doing or issues,trying to drive your wife insane throwing the romantic interest in your wife's face repeatedly with a smile.It.could.be.much.worse.Comeon,you can get past this and you can improve everything...including yourself.I am personally rooting for you.

 

Thank you! I honestly think we will get through this and be stronger for it. I know it could be worse and I feel so lucky that it didn't go too far. Once again, I feel so fortunate to have so much and have been spared going to far with this. Wish I could stop others that are in that situation

[comeon]

This is the one part that is still missing. Comeon, I hope you get there.

 

So you know the difficult thing here? My wife knows what went on now. But not the stuff that was in my head. That's the bad stuff. She even understood the california trip stuff... because I do things like this. She didn't like the going get beer thing the most which is understandable Like I've said, in hindsight, there was much more going on then actually happened. I would imagine it's fair for her to know that stuff too. I'm working on figuring out why exactly I went there and what it means.

Edited November 7, 2012 by comeon

[BetrayedH]

So you know the difficult thing here? My wife knows what went on now. But not the stuff that was in my head. That's the bad stuff. She even understood the california trip stuff... because I do things like this. Like I've said, in hindsight, there was much more going on then actually happened. I would imagine it's fair for her to know that stuff too. I'm working on figuring out why exactly I went there and what it means.

 

Figuring out why you went there is perfect. You are very introspective and that's a critical piece. I just think at some point you also need to hold yourself accountable to coming truly clean with your emotional affair (and the kiss) so that she has the same opportunity to work through it with you that you had with her. A voluntary disclosure will show your commitment to the marriage, especially when coupled with the introspection of counseling, etc.. I just recommend committing yourself to coming clean and don't give yourself an open-ended deadline. Force yourself to truly admit your mistake and ask your wife's forgiveness and help in renewing your marriage together. She will respect your honesty and you'll discover then that nothing can kill your marriage when you are open with each other and tackle everything together. Having an authentic "us against the world" partnership where you have the courage to be vulnerable and show your partner your flaws is a damn powerful thing.

 

Not trying to pressure you to act immediately; I think having your head on straight first will really help. Just encouraging you to make sure you do it. It's going to be easier to hide your flaws and that was part of the problem the first time around.

[woinlove]

She will respect your honesty and you'll discover then that nothing can kill your marriage when you are open with each other and tackle everything together. Having an authentic "us against the world" partnership where you have the courage to be vulnerable and show your partner your flaws is a damn powerful thing.

 

This is the type of M I have and the only type of M I would want to be part of. I would hate to be in the dark on something that affected my H's emotions and romantic thoughts as much as comeon's, while the object of his desire, her bf, possibly even some colleagues, knew. The longer that deception continued, the more I would question his love and respect for me.

[Furious]

Your situation is not as complicated as you think. You crossed the line with a woman who was not your wife, you led yourself to believe it was just a friendship and allowed that friendship to grow into sometthing far more intimate. A part of you was validated, your ego took centre stage, and you kept shifting the line in the sand.

 

Perhaps it was your past image as a nerd, the loss of a loved one, and reaching a point in your life where you accomplished your goals, and now you ask yourself, is this all there is.

 

On the surface you've got it all, a wife you love, great kids, a beautiful home, but what's missing.

 

The truth is when you isolate your feelings and create a wall between you and your wife that wall will only get thicker. Lies build walls, and the truth tears them down.

 

You have a choice, a truly intimate and loving marriage and a happy family, or risking all that for a shallow ego boost.

Edited November 7, 2012 by Furious