I'm Married, got to close to someone, that's over, but I'm sad

[comeon]

So now that you've been out and away from that relationship for a few weeks now, how do you feel? Has your perspective changed about how you feel know vs. how you felt before she ended it?

 

Do you feel the same as you did about your wife & marriage as you did before and during your relationship?

 

I feel much better in terms of being able to concentrate. Working on the marriage and my wife is helping actually. The intensity of the feelings is starting to dull. Still miss her though.

 

Yeah, I loved my wife and marriage before and still do. She's been so supportive it's ridiculous. She's working on things as well to get stronger. We're going do a couples art class... we had planned this but found every excuse not to do it... we agreed it was a good thing... a step?

 

The odd thing is that I was so happy during the relationship that I think it was obvious and everyone fed off of it. ****ed up, huh? When I was sad for that week or so that I think it did the opposite.

[ozziegal8]

Hi I have been the other woman and have gone through the same feelings as you, getting excited by the texts blah blah blah mine MM even said if i meet another guy to not wait for him.

MM has now disappeared, did you ever feel at any point you should stop contact or stop it entirely?

MM was texting me 20 times a day initially then when i said i miss him sometimes he just backed off.

[comeon]

Hi I have been the other woman and have gone through the same feelings as you, getting excited by the texts blah blah blah mine MM even said if i meet another guy to not wait for him.

MM has now disappeared, did you ever feel at any point you should stop contact or stop it entirely?

MM was texting me 20 times a day initially then when i said i miss him sometimes he just backed off.

 

 

I never really thought about stopping contact... remember though, I was pretending it wasn't any big deal while it was happening... I really thought I had control and since we hadn't gotten physical that I wasn't too deep. It's only hindsight that has me realizing the reality. So I didn't admit the "affair" while it was going on... does that make sense?? I think a lot of the readers can't believe that I was rationalizing that well but I can't help that only do my best to explain. With some, there's a basic disbelief that I could have feelings, strong ones, for another woman and still love my wife. I think that's shallow thinking because I'm telling you that's what I had or have. I've read a lot of stuff on this forum and I really feel for lots of people... It's eyeopening and I hope everyone moves on and gets to a positive place... maybe stronger for it all?? Humans are complex as hell huh?

 

I never backed off of anything. I was trying to keep a good distance, as odd as that may sound. I'm sure some won't believe this either, but I didn't want to take too much of her life and said it often because thought she needed to find a real relationship.

 

It's all silly sounding now but I hope that answers the questions... at least from my specific point of view.

[comeon]

You have the luxury to mourn the sudden end of your affair, and even if you object to the label of an "affair" that's what is was. You can wallow in what might of been, could have been, as long as your wife is in the dark.

 

You refuse to take the other woman down from the pedestal your created, I think because if you admit that throughout the entire year you've known her she did not once mention she had a boyfriend, and that she accepted your gifts and trip to California, you would have to give up the fantasy you created in your mind that she was this innocent angel who came to rescue you from your mid life crisis.

 

I can guarantee you if you experience a d-day, then and only then will you snap out of your affair bubble.

 

I hear ya... thanks for the reply.

 

If it makes a difference I think I have my wife on a higher pedestal? I'm not refusing to take the other woman down... just admitting it's been real difficult. I'll keep working on it harder than any man has in this situation.

[whichwayisup]

And I'm sorry you can't understand how I love my wife and family and still managed to have a connection to another Human. I love a lot of people.

The problem is, you nurtured it.

 

Basically you let yourself fall in love with another woman, you let another woman close to your heart on an intimate level and as much as you say you love your wife - This has had a huge affect on what you feel towards your wife. You're more emotionally attached to this other woman than your own wife. I'm sure you DO love your wife, a lot .. And love being a father, having a family - So next time you befriend a woman, stop and think if your wife would approve of the friendship. One that would include her as well. Imagine your wife getting close to another man like you were with this woman. How would you feel?

 

Use this as a wake up call and reconnect with your wife on ALL levels. You have a good marriage and a good life. The OW was fantasy and it's good it ended when it did because you'd be having a full on affair sooner or later.

 

Leave the OW be and don't contact her. This is now about you and your wife. Any contact with that woman is a slap in the face to your wife and marriage.

[whichwayisup]

If it makes a difference I think I have my wife on a higher pedestal?

How so?

 

Putting someone that high up on a pedestal is asking for trouble. Everybody's shi.t stinks..Even your wife's!

 

Nobody is perfect and no one should have to live up to such standards .. That leads to major disappoint and let down.

 

The OW is a threat to your marriage and what you feel towards your wife so it has to end completely. No friendship can ever happen, not now or next year, or ever.

[SidLyon]

Comeon:

 

Thanks for your offer to give me insight but the things I want to tell you and ask you are very private and I don't want to do this on this forum for everyone to see. You never know who is lurking and they will know who I am talking about.. I wonder how we can do this. I won't bother you for long. I will have all the questions written down so this will go very fast.

Any ideas?

 

Do you belong to any other forums that might allow pms right away? ( not necessarily for infidelity)

 

Having been on these forums for some years now I can remember occasions in the past where female posters requested "private" communications with male posters.

 

It seemed that they were appealing to his "knight in shining armour" tendencies.

 

I remember one particular MM poster dealt with this very well by explaining that it would be inappropriate that he have private communications with female posters as he was trying to reconcile with his wife after cheating on her. The alternative was that everything be shared with his wife. In that instance the woman concerned no longer seemed to want the private communication.

 

I'm not suggesting that this is what's happening here but for many posters "private" communications got them into trouble (with an affair) in the first place.

 

I subscribe to the view that it's cheating if you wouldn't do it in front of your wife or husband.

 

This is just my opinion.

[Snowflower]

Comeon:

 

Thanks for your offer to give me insight but the things I want to tell you and ask you are very private and I don't want to do this on this forum for everyone to see. You never know who is lurking and they will know who I am talking about.. I wonder how we can do this. I won't bother you for long. I will have all the questions written down so this will go very fast.

Any ideas?

 

Do you belong to any other forums that might allow pms right away? ( not necessarily for infidelity)

 

MammaMia, have you really thought about what you are asking comeon to do here? He already had a bunch of secret communication with someone outside his marriage and now you're asking him to do the same thing?

 

I completely understand that you want some objective insight on your WH. But the truth is, comeon can't give that to you...only your husband can explain that.

 

Think about it this way: would you want your husband, just out of an affair with one woman to be helping another woman (even if it is innocent) with her problems? Probably not, right?

 

Somewhere out there is comeon's wife who doesn't know what has happened. I think comeon should be concentrating on his wife and not trying to help other women, which was his downfall in the first place.

 

threadjack over.

 

comeon, back to the subject. How did your counseling go yesterday?

[Decorative]

MammaMia-

 

Comeon is a different person than your husband. If you require understanding of your spouse's mindset, it's best to ask your spouse, and keeps those walls and windows going the right direction for both you.

[BetrayedH]

I'll keep working on it harder than any man has in this situation.

 

Not if you're keeping it from your wife.

 

Look, you're not the anti-Christ for having gone through this but failing to disclose to your wife is not protecting her; it's protecting you. She needs to know what's happened here so that you can work on it together and you need to have enough courage and respect for her so that she gets a vote on whether she wants to be with a man that was emotionally and physically unfaithful to her. I'm sorry to say it but you are the one that needs to be down off the pedestal. What of the years to come when she brags to her friends about her wonderful marriage and honest/faithful husband? Will you sit there and nod while she continues to live a lie?

 

It's just not true intimacy regardless of how much you dress it up. Your wife deserves a choice about rebuilding with you or finding someone that is true to her. You are denying her that choice and it impacts the rest of her life. I encourage you to own your choices and mistakes. Be accountable to someone other than yourself. Give your wife the authentic marriage that she deserves.

[BetrayedH]

Having been on these forums for some years now I can remember occasions in the past where female posters requested "private" communications with male posters.

 

It seemed that they were appealing to his "knight in shining armour" tendencies.

 

I remember one particular MM poster dealt with this very well by explaining that it would be inappropriate that he have private communications with female posters as he was trying to reconcile with his wife after cheating on her. The alternative was that everything be shared with his wife. In that instance the woman concerned no longer seemed to want the private communication.

 

I'm not suggesting that this is what's happening here but for many posters "private" communications got them into trouble (with an affair) in the first place.

 

I subscribe to the view that it's cheating if you wouldn't do it in front of your wife or husband.

 

This is just my opinion.

 

Yep. It's called boundaries and this is exactly what the OP needs to learn for the future. I don't think either MM or Comeon have bad intentions here but of course, that's what leads to statements like, "It just happened."

 

No conversations of a personal nature (particularly about your marriage) with a person of the opposite sex. It's out of bounds. There's a few hundred pages about this in 'Not Just Friends,' I might add.

[comeon]

MammaMia, have you really thought about what you are asking comeon to do here? He already had a bunch of secret communication with someone outside his marriage and now you're asking him to do the same thing?

 

I completely understand that you want some objective insight on your WH. But the truth is, comeon can't give that to you...only your husband can explain that.

 

Think about it this way: would you want your husband, just out of an affair with one woman to be helping another woman (even if it is innocent) with her problems? Probably not, right?

 

Somewhere out there is comeon's wife who doesn't know what has happened. I think comeon should be concentrating on his wife and not trying to help other women, which was his downfall in the first place.

 

threadjack over.

 

comeon, back to the subject. How did your counseling go yesterday?

 

It went really well I think. She was much more helpful I think. The first Psychologist was way to much of the belief that I was a great guy and seemed too interested in the "story" and too much on my side. I really liked her but something not right.

 

This Psychologist listened but caught a bunch of good things. She's much more interested in why a guy that was relatively shy and introverted has become so different over the past 5 years. I seem to just want to be around good people and seem to be looking for exciting things to do all the time now. I'm restless. So we're going to work on that. She said I have a good understanding of what went on with this other woman and is now turning the focus on me and my wife and family and I think that's good.

 

I talked to my wife a bit yesterday... I think I'll give her all the details soon. Hell I might even have her meet this woman... I'm sure that freaks everyone out here.

 

In an odd twist the OW had her boyfriend call me yesterday. I said she should at one point. I thought that took some balls on both their parts. He was nervous. I talked to him for a good while... went through everything and by the end he was cool with it all. Talked to the OW after. She was thankful that I did that. I was glad she doesn't hate me and glad her relationship isn't ruined. The boyfriend seemed like a really good guy so that made me happy. I made it clear I wasn't going back to where we were headed and that I never really wanted that in the first place. I'm going to keep a significant distance. I feel... well, relieved. I know a lot of people will start all the crap about how I can't possibly talk to her and once you cross the line in your head and all sorts of other things that may very well be right. I just don't think there are any simple rules to all of this. And yes I know I have work to do with my wife.

 

This site is kinda depressing when you read all the stories. I'm not sure I can hang around much longer. But I sure do appreciate all the comments and really appreciate your honest attempt to help Snowflower. You seem like a really good person. I'd likely fall in love with you if we met I've got issues... seriously though, thanks!

Edited November 1, 2012 by comeon

[Decorative]

You would fall in love with Snowflower if you met?

 

Are we being Punk'd?

 

Snowflower is fab, but on this forum, with your boundary issues, you go and say that?

 

Wow.

[MammaMia]

comeon:

 

You need to activate your account for me to be able to find you. What forum did you sign under? Let me know.

 

 

To all posters who offered insight: I do understand what you are talking about and all your concerns. I also do know that comeon is NOT my husband. He is a man though and he can offer objective suggestion.

I do not plan to start a secret communication with him or any other male. I just want to ask a few things. That is ALL. Once done I plan to thank him and never contact him again.

 

I would like to think that I got a lot more common sense than my H did at the time he started his EA. Yes, I do understand things start innocently, but that is not my intention. Period.

 

I also understand what one poster said: what I like it if H started helping some other woman? First of all it is " not just out of an affair." It's been a couple of years. If he did not keep it a secret from me, I would consider it, if I knew who the woman was and her reputation in their club. I also know some of you will crucify me for this answer but this is what I believe. If he were to help some woman at this point it would be with strings attached, there will be rules.

 

Thank you for all your comments.

[BetrayedH]

It went really well I think. She was much more helpful I think. The first Psychologist was way to much of the belief that I was a great guy and seemed too interested in the "story" and too much on my side. I really liked her but something not right.

 

This Psychologist listened but caught a bunch of good things. She's much more interested in why a guy that was relatively shy and introverted has become so different over the past 5 years. I seem to just want to be around good people and seem to be looking for exciting things to do all the time now. I'm restless. So we're going to work on that. She said I have a good understanding of what went on with this other woman and is now turning the focus on me and my wife and family and I think that's good.

 

I talked to my wife a bit yesterday... I think I'll give her all the details soon. Hell I might even have her meet this woman... I'm sure that freaks everyone out here.

 

In an odd twist the OW had her boyfriend call me yesterday. I said she should at one point. I thought that took some balls on both their parts. He was nervous. I talked to him for a good while... went through everything and by the end he was cool with it all. Talked to the OW after. She was thankful that I did that. I was glad she doesn't hate me and glad her relationship isn't ruined. The boyfriend seemed like a really good guy so that made me happy. I made it clear I wasn't going back to where we were headed and that I never really wanted that in the first place. I'm going to keep a significant distance. I feel... well, relieved. I know a lot of people will start all the crap about how I can't possibly talk to her and once you cross the line in your head and all sorts of other things that may very well be right. I just don't think there are any simple rules to all of this. And yes I know I have work to do with my wife.

 

This site is kinda depressing when you read all the stories. I'm not sure I can hang around much longer. But I sure do appreciate all the comments and really appreciate your honest attempt to help Snowflower. You seem like a really good person. I'd likely fall in love with you if we met I've got issues... seriously though, thanks!

 

Glad to hear that you're happy with your new therapist. Good luck with her.

 

I also spoke with my wife's OM - met with him, actually. I wanted to hear from his mouth what his future intentions were regardiny my wife. Kid of a waste of time, to he honest, as he was an established liar and had motivation to lie to me. I wonder how honest you were with him. Does he know you kissed? Does he know that you fell in love with her? The decent thing to do in order to be respectful to him (and your wife) is to never have contact with her again for life.

 

I was glad to hear you considering coming clean with your wife. Better you do it than the girl's boyfriend. That's a distinct possibility whether he seems like a nice guy or not. I told the OM in my situation that I wouldn't reveal it to his wife. I didn't stay true to it; I couldn't because his wife deserved to know. The emotional rollercoaster after a Dday is unpredictable.

 

I hope you stick around. There's a shortage of remorseful waywards around here. People could benefit from your input and it's free therapy. Regardles, good luck to you and your wife.

[comeon]

You would fall in love with Snowflower if you met?

 

Are we being Punk'd?

 

Snowflower is fab, but on this forum, with your boundary issues, you go and say that?

 

Wow.

 

Oh come on... obviously a joke. Like I said I'm not long for this but really I just can't stay down that far. I know this is serious life changing **** going on but if you can't see the obvious attempt at humor then I feel bad for you.

[Snowflower]

It went really well I think. She was much more helpful I think. The first Psychologist was way to much of the belief that I was a great guy and seemed too interested in the "story" and too much on my side. I really liked her but something not right.

 

I'm glad you had a successful session with the new therapist.

This Psychologist listened but caught a bunch of good things. She's much more interested in why a guy that was relatively shy and introverted has become so different over the past 5 years. I seem to just want to be around good people and seem to be looking for exciting things to do all the time now. I'm restless. So we're going to work on that. She said I have a good understanding of what went on with this other woman and is now turning the focus on me and my wife and family and I think that's good.

 

This is an interesting observation about yourself that you want to be doing something exciting all the time now. Especially if you weren't always like this.

 

My husband has always been restless and "always looking for the next new thing." If anything, he has gotten better about it the last couple of years. So it is interesting that you now feel more restless.

 

I guess it is the cliche mid-life crisis which I always thought was complete bunk until my H started going through it and many of my friends/acquaintances and yes, even me, have reached a certain point in our lives. I'm just a little bit younger than you, comeon. So I think it is normal for our perspectives, attitudes and interests to change as we move forward through life.

 

IDK, I don't understand it all myself because I feel the same way sometimes. The restlessness and stuff. Although my H's affair and all the subsequent reading and spending time on this site makes me more self-aware than ever. I plan to avoid the affair route. No interest there for me.

I talked to my wife a bit yesterday... I think I'll give her all the details soon. Hell I might even have her meet this woman... I'm sure that freaks everyone out here.

 

This is a new approach, for sure. Why would you like your wife to meet this other woman? What do you hope to accomplish by it? So that your wife can be friends with her too? So that she will let you continue to be friends with that woman? These are honest questions and I don't intend for them to be snarky at all. Tone is hard to convey in writing.

 

What did you talk to your wife about yesterday and why do you think you will tell her the details soon? What changed your mind?

In an odd twist the OW had her boyfriend call me yesterday. I said she should at one point. I thought that took some balls on both their parts. He was nervous. I talked to him for a good while... went through everything and by the end he was cool with it all. Talked to the OW after. She was thankful that I did that. I was glad she doesn't hate me and glad her relationship isn't ruined. The boyfriend seemed like a really good guy so that made me happy. I made it clear I wasn't going back to where we were headed and that I never really wanted that in the first place. I'm going to keep a significant distance. I feel... well, relieved. I know a lot of people will start all the crap about how I can't possibly talk to her and once you cross the line in your head and all sorts of other things that may very well be right. I just don't think there are any simple rules to all of this. And yes I know I have work to do with my wife.

 

This site is kinda depressing when you read all the stories. I'm not sure I can hang around much longer. But I sure do appreciate all the comments and really appreciate your honest attempt to help Snowflower. You seem like a really good person. I'd likely fall in love with you if we met I've got issues... seriously though, thanks!

 

That's good you and her boyfriend had an honest discussion.

 

Does all of this give you some "closure" or acceptance of your friendship with this woman?

 

Please do hang around. It can be depressing but there are a lot of good people here and you (general you, not you) can learn a lot from the other people here.

 

It's more valuable than therapy, IMO.

 

I understood your joke so absolutely no worries there and thank you very much for your kind words. It's nice to know when something you've written has helped someone else.

[Decorative]

Oh come on... obviously a joke. Like I said I'm not long for this but really I just can't stay down that far. I know this is serious life changing **** going on but if you can't see the obvious attempt at humor then I feel bad for you.

 

LOL. Don't worry about me. I have a wonderful sense of humor. What I don't have is a lot of tolerance for a man who is lying to his wife and making jokes about falling in love with other women. That's not funny, it's gross.

 

Don't feel bad for me. Feel bad for your wife. For you to imagine this was an appropriate joke in any way, considering the topic of this thread, started by you, shows me you have an incredibly long way to go. Incredibly.

[Decorative]

Why can't you do it on the open forum? You are anonymous.

 

The way I see it, you are actively encouraging another poster who has just had a very close encounter with infidelity to contact you in secret. Seems wrong to me. Doesn't he already have enough secrets from his wife?

 

Yes. Agreed.

 

Just last week on another infidelity forum- there was a situation that started just like this that resulted in an EA and another DDay for a betrayed spouse.

 

Boundaries and openness. They are good things.

[Bittersweetie]

Not if you're keeping it from your wife.

 

Look, you're not the anti-Christ for having gone through this but failing to disclose to your wife is not protecting her; it's protecting you. She needs to know what's happened here so that you can work on it together and you need to have enough courage and respect for her so that she gets a vote on whether she wants to be with a man that was emotionally and physically unfaithful to her. I'm sorry to say it but you are the one that needs to be down off the pedestal. What of the years to come when she brags to her friends about her wonderful marriage and honest/faithful husband? Will you sit there and nod while she continues to live a lie?

 

It's just not true intimacy regardless of how much you dress it up. Your wife deserves a choice about rebuilding with you or finding someone that is true to her. You are denying her that choice and it impacts the rest of her life. I encourage you to own your choices and mistakes. Be accountable to someone other than yourself. Give your wife the authentic marriage that she deserves.

 

Comeon,

 

As a fWW, I have to agree with BH here. He's right...you're not protecting her, you're protecting you. How do I know? Because I've been there. My A ended before my H knew and I figured I'd keep it to myself and things would just go on. But I ended up telling him. And it was HARD...don't get me wrong. I was very, very fortunate that he gave me a second chance, and I worked on myself and our marriage and I feel that now we have a very strong relationship based on honesty and openness. Now, I don't see how anyone can have a true relationship without honesty.

 

Yes, things didn't go too far for you this time. That's what I thought too when I was just talking to xOM...then six months later we started talking again and that's when things went haywire. You have the chance now to examine yourself was why your boundaries were weak, and share that growth with the most important person in your life, your wife. I didn't do that, and my H and I paid the price for my selfish stupidity.

 

B

[Furious]

Life is beautiful, and it's not as complicated as many would make it, when you value it.

 

Most who falter in mid-life, are looking for the shallow, the validation, a desperate attempt at recreating their youth, the last dance before accepting their mortality.

 

To spend half your life building that life, only to tear it down.

 

How sad is that.

[Decorative]

Life is beautiful, and it's not as complicated as many would make it, when you value it.

 

Most who falter in mid-life, are looking for the shallow, the validation, a desperate attempt at recreating their youth, the last dance before accepting their mortality.

 

To spend half your life building that life, only to tear it down.

 

How sad is that.

 

And to miss the pleasure of what they have already built, by chasing something that doesn't exist, because wherever you go, at the end of it all, there you are.

[SidLyon]

comeon:

 

You need to activate your account for me to be able to find you. What forum did you sign under? Let me know.

 

 

To all posters who offered insight: I do understand what you are talking about and all your concerns. I also do know that comeon is NOT my husband. He is a man though and he can offer objective suggestion.

I do not plan to start a secret communication with him or any other male. I just want to ask a few things. That is ALL. Once done I plan to thank him and never contact him again.

 

I would like to think that I got a lot more common sense than my H did at the time he started his EA. Yes, I do understand things start innocently, but that is not my intention. Period.

 

I also understand what one poster said: what I like it if H started helping some other woman? First of all it is " not just out of an affair." It's been a couple of years. If he did not keep it a secret from me, I would consider it, if I knew who the woman was and her reputation in their club. I also know some of you will crucify me for this answer but this is what I believe. If he were to help some woman at this point it would be with strings attached, there will be rules.

 

Thank you for all your comments.

 

Re the bolded.

 

Comeon is only just out of the "affair" and is still deciding what to tell his wife. I doubt he wants to have to also tell her that he's also been advising another BW, while continuing to mislead his own wife.

 

Personally I think it disrespectful to Comeon's wife and their marriage for you to be even contemplating some private communications with him about your own marital problems. I do understand this desire of yours, being a fBW myself. But since d-day (more than 4 years ago) I have had to actively work to keep my own boundaries in place.

[Anoidtoo]

Hi Comeon,

I've just joined this forum as I myself I'm going through a similar issue. My problem started many years ago and at least around 4 years into our marriage. I was too naive to realize that something was not alright. My wife and I have been very close and so in love,we have two lovely children. There was never any arguments between us.. everyone one sees us as a perfect couple. In her line of employment (Medical) she does attend medical conferences around the country and at times overseas but for sure no reason to have to pick anyone at the airport. I did not see or thought of any red flag back then when that day she told me:

 

Tomorrow I need to pick up "someone" at the airport and that same day she had a work function to attend. That night she got back home past 11pm and had a thorough long shower. She usually take her function clothes with her to work and shower there ( clue number 1)!! (And besides that, who would have been that "someone" unless it's someone she's very close to she had to pick up at the airport !)

 

She thought I was fast asleep, I felt a weird pressure in my chest that something was not right. I did not say anything, she came to bed and fell asleep within minutes.. As soon as I noticed she had started snoring and in a deep sleep, I got up and went straight to her handbag and something urged me to check her mini phone book.

 

I went to the toilet and sat there perusing it... aside of all the family members and close friends contacts i was aware of, I came across this man's contact from Sydney with his mobile number, home number and address... I thought well this is not good as we've never hidden anything from each other before.

 

The next day after work, during dinner time we talked and I asked her about that contact.. of course she had her convincing excuses and I never expected her to tell me the truth, I just wanted her to know that I was aware of it. I should have copied down that guy's contact, because the very next day she got rid of it (clue number 2). This was my confirmation that she was up to something.

For unknown reasons, I left things as is and proceed with our family routing ( the beginning of faking happiness). She did not do anything out of the norm to arouse my suspicion thereafter (what I'd like to believe). She would always be home on time from work and never had any excuses that would alert me.

 

Having worked at the same hospital for 18yrs,she attends Medical functions where she gets to meet Reps, both men and women trying to promote their Medical products. She says;often at those Medical functions, Reps would entertain the hospital staff buying them drinks,meals etc., to get into their good books so that they can motivate them to buy their products.

 

My wife is a very attractive woman, she's tall with thick long blond hair and with a great body and was around her early 20's. It is quite obvious one of those male Reps had eyes on her and had worked his way to her heart getting her to see it as just platonic friendship. It might have been that this Rep was popular around the hospital she works at and for unknown reason she had this guy's complete contact in her personal diary. (not an appropriate thing to do as business contacts should be kept in one's work database).

 

At one stage, she came home after work with an expensive perfume (clue 3) she did not bother telling me where she got it from as we both know she couldn't have spent that much money as we had a large mortgage and other bills to pay. It's those little things that keep coming up on my mind.

 

Whether she was aware or not that this guy may have had it in for her, I get the feeling that she may now be living with remorse and regretting why she let herself go and get lured into having out of wedlock sex with a stranger damaging her marriage and relationship that has altered beyond repair.

 

We stayed together firstly because of our two children and secondly because of her Mum & Dad who are strict Christian believers that the first marriage is the ultimate. I was also her first lover (never had sex with another man) and coming from a strict christian background having sex before marriage was a no no.

 

After all those years I'm still hurt, confused, frustrated and bitter. I think she prayed that I never get to know what really happened back then and or that she wouldn't do something like that!! Once one has savoured the forbidden fruit, will always be a cheater.

I was never a jealous, possessive or inquisitive type. I was always humorous and never took anything seriously. She's now created a silent venomous person.

 

This coming December, we'll be celebrating our 25years wedding anniversary and for the past 20 odd years it's been a roller coaster for both of us I'm sure. By not admitting to adultery she's protecting her reputation, her status and her family that she does not want to hurt in case I decide to walk out on her. A decision, I'd say we both subconsciously put up with living a clear "fake married life".

 

The number of times when I've felt pretty good verses those times where I've felt down the drain are limited. We make love and most of the time it's just an action to relieve myself and she's just there as a vessel (feels like I'm doing it to a prostitute)...

 

Sad as it may sound, she initiated this and other times when we have a little disagreement she confesses that she's so scared that I may leave her and she'd have to face her strict family (clue number 4), why would she be worried about me leaving her?). I told her so be it, I have no problem with it and that scares her even more.

 

It's possible that many women are not aware that when a man is being so nice, understanding, showing empathy, sympathy and a good listener, it then leads to ensure calmness, relax, trust building confidence until the right time so she'll agree to sex.

 

It is also possible that there are many women out there that are just as horny as many men craving for sex with other guys and wanting to experience being screwed by another guy.

 

I can believe that my wife may have got carried away under alcohol influence as only two glasses of wine is enough to tip her over. She may have confessed to prying ears how a couple of drinks will easily tip her over and this would have been music to any guy's ear!!

And guys like that will have no problem reassuring targeted women that their secret affair will be very safe with them and no harm done to their marriage.( a disgusted reason for a married woman to be involve herself into).

 

At this point in time, this is all SPECULATION AS SHE HAS NEVER ever ADMITTED TO ANYTHING, something many would do to avoid confrontation and risk losing what's most precious to them not realizing it does not take much for your better half to figure things out.. (one's gut feeling is not to be avoided) and deep down inside knowing that one way or the other the relationship is doomed. My only clues are what I've been observing over the years based on touchy conversations and even nowadays when we hear anecdotes in similar genre whether in person or on TV, I purposely stimulate about how stupid many women are to fall for those type of guys who befriend and work them up to get between their legs and then dump them thereafter.(clue number 5) Her comments and reaction confirm to me that she is living through remorse and hatred for being abused... well this I cannot help.. I've been suffering in silence too.

 

At this point in time, there's no moving on for either of us...our darling children are 23 and 21 now... they are more or less aware of little issues but we do our best to maintain a positive atmosphere around our families, friends and acquaintances (very fake but achievable).

 

The trust has been destroyed for good, the real love I had for her is out the window. No marriage counsellor can ever restore or mend what we had at the beginning of our married life.

 

I firmly believe once any party in a marriage stray, the damage is done and it can never ever be mended 100%.. It is like a deep wound, it heals but the scarred tissue will always be visible and there to remind one how painful it was.

 

How we chose to deal with it is up to each individual. I show her gratitude for being a good mother, I show her affection (not love) in a weird way but not as intense and well meant as I used too and sadly, I have sex with her to fulfil my need.

 

Whether she enjoys it or not, I wouldn't have a clue as I've lost the urge to explore and please her as I used to do. For every time I see her naked, I visualize the other guy on top of her.. it puts me off completely!!

 

Is it right to have lived life this way, is it right to believe she may have cheated and never will admit(clue number 6) she keeps quiet and avoid confrontation...... the confusion is that I've got so used to it, I do not know how to gauge real happiness or fake happiness because when we are among families, friends and acquaintances everything seems to be alright, however, I've noticed how she'd stared at me when I'm around other women being humorous and laughing (something we used to do together, of which has declined rapidly), she appears lost and hurt but never says anything (clue number 7). Is she dealing with her guilt?

 

I've learrned to adjust and cope with my present lifestyle. It has not been easy.... everyday comes and goes with no expectation.

 

Maybe if she had been honest enough in the first place to tell me the truth I may have dealt with the blow then figure out what would be best for our children in a calm humanitarian way. Maybe she kept lying so she'd protect her children and her marriage.

 

it is still my right to know and no one deserves to be treated this way especially from a woman who thinks she can lie to her man and believing that I'd never figure it out. Two can play at this game... I prefer to play my game the way I've been treating her for the past 20years and I'm sure she feels the difference.

 

 

The intense love i had for her her once is now tarnished forever.. this is why every now and then I relive and visualize this but now I tell myself that I'm the most important person here.. I'm above her and she's really not that important anymore rather good enough for my needs.

 

The option was to: sell and move our separate ways, she panics and would not hear of it. We have a large mortgage and she's OK with paying most bills, so be it.

 

Makes one wonders, how many more people like you or me in this universe are living like we do and getting on with it!!!!! Peace be with you ...

[nofool4u]

I just wish she knew I didn't need that other stuff and that I'm here as a friend... love the memory but don't want her to have made me into a villain or to have forgotten the good stuff because of how it ended.

 

The real question is when are you going to set your wife free from you? Free from someone who will always pine for another woman and that doesn't respect the marriage.