I'm Married, got to close to someone, that's over, but I'm sad

[comeon]

This is complicated, at least for me it is. Going to try and summarize this odd relationship. I'm happily married with 3 kids for 20 years now. I'm 44. Relatively young at heart and in the best shape of my life. I've known this younger woman, 30, for over a year now. My hairdresser, don't judge yet please. She's always been awesome and we have tons and tons in common. I'll admit she is very attractive also. But I just thought she had the most positive energy, smart, good person all around.

 

This past year I've had a lot of external stressors and she's always kinda been there. Let's just say there was something extra the whole time but nothing more than hair cuts until August this year. I sent her a nicely worded letter and friendly flowers... letter was about how great I thought she was, and she is, and how I'm happily married and feel lucky to have so much good in my life and I'd be there if she ever needed. Honestly, I really did care for her but didn't really think I was headed anywhere bad. Stupid now. In my line of work I have so many attractive women cross my paths and because of things like money etc... have had many opportunities to have affairs, flings, or whatever I wanted. But never have I cheated on my wife or had even an emotional affair. No interest and my wife and kids are awesome. Wasn't looking for anything.

 

I told her she should bring some friends and see my work and what we do... and she was excited about that. Still in August. I told her to watch this certain movie and because I gave her my email she texted me a pic of them movie and how it was odd that it came the same day I went for my haircut. OOOPS. I, of course, texted her back from my phone and said something like awesome, hope you love it. Well, we started texting sh*t at that point. I loved the attention but didn't see what was happening to me. She was, I think, infatuated with me and I with her. I'm way understating the connection we had but it was there and deep.

 

September now... I already thought she was one of the most energetic and just all around good people. We connected on so many levels. This is hindsight talking but I thought I had this well in control and we were just "odd" friends. Of course, my wife knew nothing of this. I think I told her how great I thought she was a cpl times but I was ignoring the simple rules if I'm being totally honest. No way my wife would like that sh*t. I texted her that I had this small gift for her and she said we should do lunch. I said nah, I'll just drop it off... she said no lets do lunch. We did... first meeting... it was awesome I gave her a little movie ticket pack for her favorite movie that was coming out that week... for her and someone else. Again to be honest... I think I remember saying something cheesy like "if you take a dude I'll be jealous" Oooops again. she gave me a homemade pastry and tea her mom and her made... nice

 

Ok late september it was my birthday. At this point, we're texting a few days a week. All really nice stuff. lots of connections and cool things going back and forth. Not sure if anyone will "get it" but it was f*cking clicking. I'm still thinking nothing of it. In total control. So I decide to do this go see a concert a day, different genre each night, for my birthday week. I do this kinda stuff all the time... I'm restless and always travel or do very impulsive things. I like having fun. With family, friends, whomever. Told her about it... we both love music. she says she's going to one of the shows. I said cool and maybe I'd see her there. Ooops again. honestly I was damned well looking for it but rationalized it all. The night before she texted me the most awesome things. About how she's glad I'm in her life and other things and couldn't wait for the show. She actually asked who I was going with... I said co-workers and she said great cuz she wanted to 'hang" with me. The odd thing was that I thought I was gonna try to hook her up with one of my single co-workers. wtf... so stupid in hindsight. both of us kidding ourselves. We had a great time just hanging out. A little hugging but nothing too bad. She gave be a birthday present at the end of the show... bottle of gin. I thought that was nice. Again, honestly, in hindsight, I've got the fancy car in the prime valet spot after show and I buy all the drinks... :/ for me this is normal but I have to imagine it didn't help her not be more attracted to me.

 

Now I really did have strong feeling for her. Not just physical. Can't make that point enough, we were soooo on the same page it seemed. I told her a few times that I thought she'd find an awesome guy and he wouldn't like me so this likely wouldn't last but I appreciate her. She would say, that may happen but I don't want you out of my life and other things along those lines. Pretty cool I'm thinking. Look at me being all adult and making it about her. sigh.

 

so more texting... not everyday... some emails... all great... she helped me pick out some glasses at somepoint... had fun... thought that was appropriate for my stylist? ooops. Then early october we decide to go get a beer... big ooooops... Yeah, judge away, I wanted to, thought I could keep it at a reasonable distance and that I was in full control. We went, it was great, dropped her off, she gave me a closed lip kiss and nice hug. If you don't think I wanted more, much more, you're so wrong. At this point I was amazed that I resisted getting physical. I think it was cool we both resisted because she was down I'm sure.

 

Oh I need to mention that i offered to send her and a friend to california for a week so she could check out things there because she, like me, hates this town. I begged her to let me do it because it would make me happy. No strings attached and told her not to thank me because it's easy for me and I didn't want it to seem like I was buying her affection... ooooops again

 

Ok, the sad ending... this is much easier because it's been 3 weeks now. Monday we got drinks, The next day nothing. I emailed the tuesday saying thanks for the time and hope she's well. Nothing, I thought that was odd. next day I text her and kinda felt odd that I hadn't heard anything. She texts back "I'm in trouble, I hurt someones feelings real bad, can't talk tonight, don't text back" and I was really confused and worried that she might be in trouble. Thursday I send an email asking if things are ok. nothing, send one more on Firday and she sends a No Subject email back with "My boyfriend saw the texts between us and it hurt him real bad, I don't want to lose him, I can't talk to you anymore" boyfriend!! wtf I didn't know she had one but felt so horrible that I hurt her and possibly her relationship with someone she carried for. Some might be saying... ok that ended fairly well and could have gone to really bad places. But here's the thing. I was seriously f*cked up after it ended... then it all started hitting me. I was in love with her big time and I really care for her and can't stand that it's over. I wish I could have just undone those cpl months of going too far and just go back to seeing her every cpl months for a damned haircut. sigh...

 

I have to imagine this won't be received well here and that it won't be understood. I know I'm not really painting the correct picture of how much of a powerful connection I had with her and how I really cared for her as a human being. I see now that I was in very deep but it didn't seem that way until it was over. Really wanted to help her and just see where she goes with her life. Sucks... still really sad about hurting her and that I can't be her friend or at least client.

 

I know time will heal, and it already has, but to be perfectly honest I don't want to be done. I don't need to go back to where we were but is there any shot I have to just be a friend?? I know now where I was and what was going on so I think I'm in good shape to be her friend. I understand from her point by doing that with her boyfriend it's probably not in the cards for her now? I have no jealousy towards the boyfriend... I'm happy she has someone but I think this just sucks and am having a hard time getting passed it. I have the greatest people around me, wife, kids, friends, and I'm still feeling so selfish about wanting her in my life. As f*cked up as that sounds it's where I am. I just wish she knew I didn't need that other stuff and that I'm here as a friend... love the memory but don't want her to have made me into a villain or to have forgotten the good stuff because of how it ended.

 

I'm steeling myself for the responses here... be gentle...

[Snowflower]

comeon,

 

If I didn't know better, I would have thought you were my husband!

 

Yep, you are going to get flamed here big time for what you have posted but I appreciate your honesty about what happened. I think you show the mindset of the average "good guy" married man in an affair.

 

There are so few married men who post here because they get ripped to bits but I hope you will stay around.

 

I have been in your wife's shoes. (your wife, remember her?) So that is where my perspective will lie. But that being said, I have no wish to rip into you. I kind of like you actually, based on your initial post. I bet you have an effect on women, whether you know it or not.

 

I do have a couple of questions for you though. Where is your wife in all this? You have a lot of concern for your female friend and the feelings of her boyfriend but what about your wife? Don't you think she would be very hurt to see all those texts between you and your "friend?"

 

You will also get hammered here to confess what you have done to your wife. I do think you need to but first things first. Let's get YOU straightened out.

 

Do you want to remain married to your wife? Are you still in love with her?

[BetrayedH]

No, you cannot be her friend. You crossed a line and this is one of the consequences. Besides, are you typically "in love" with your friends? Would you be ok with your wife having a male friend that was in love with her, had kissed her, and hidden it all from you? Get real, dude. The fantasy is over and real life is here.

 

As a matter of fact, you need to get the book, Not Just Friends. Wait til you read how common your special affair fantasy was.

 

Keep reading here and posting. You will find some good advice, including the harsh stuff. My hope is that you can learn how to reconcile your marriage since you said you are happily married. This has to be confronted and dealt with. Right now you probably hope to sweep it under the rug.

[comeon]

Thanks Snowflower,

 

It's been 20 years married and another 5 together. She helped raise 3 really awesome kids. We've been through a whole lot. I love her with all my heart. Sex life is still great. I think I never really did the relationship thing and what seemed like altruism at first just caught up to me. I can only imagine that I just didn't think it was that serious.

 

I don't see what good would come from me admitting what I did. I just don't want to go back there. I was weak to fall and I would imagine my friend feels pretty ****ty too. I seem myself doing it right now... keep feeling bad for friend. crap!!

 

I'm actively trying to bring my marriage even higher and have seen a psychologist as well. I think we'll be fine. My wife is kinda like me... we're always helping people and I think believe we can give a little more than most because our core is so solid. I think I just picked the wrong Human to help and went too far.

 

thanks again!

[woinlove]

Thanks Snowflower,

 

It's been 20 years married and another 5 together. She helped raise 3 really awesome kids. We've been through a whole lot. I love her with all my heart. Sex life is still great. I think I never really did the relationship thing and what seemed like altruism at first just caught up to me. I can only imagine that I just didn't think it was that serious.

 

I don't see what good would come from me admitting what I did. I just don't want to go back there. I was weak to fall and I would imagine my friend feels pretty ****ty too. I seem myself doing it right now... keep feeling bad for friend. crap!!

 

I'm actively trying to bring my marriage even higher and have seen a psychologist as well. I think we'll be fine. My wife is kinda like me... we're always helping people and I think believe we can give a little more than most because our core is so solid. I think I just picked the wrong Human to help and went too far.

 

thanks again!

 

Are you being honest with yourself? How can your marriage be as strong as you say when you developed such a deep outside relationship secretly? My H and I discuss even the most minor of attractions or flirtations with each other. That kind of honesty and openness keeps us close and intimate with each other. You write as if you are in love with the OW, thinking of her, and not in love with your W. Is your M really as strong as you seem to think?

[OpenBook]

Hi comeon. I'm sorry you're going through this. Not fun, that kind of pain, no matter where you're at in life. Just a wild guess here - Is it possible you were projecting some things onto her? Like, a vague restless desire somewhere deep inside you to recapture the boundless energy & optimism of youth? Figuring out exactly where YOU'RE at may help you let it go. From the sounds of it, it wasn't supposed to happen / not meant to be. You seem to have built a great life with your W and family. Can you be satisfied with that? Only you can answer that question. I wish you all the best.

[comeon]

Are you being honest with yourself? How can your marriage be as strong as you say when you developed such a deep outside relationship secretly? My H and I discuss even the most minor of attractions or flirtations with each other. That kind of honesty and openness keeps us close and intimate with each other.

 

I think so. If you read carefully I didn't know how deep it was. I rationalized it all. I guess if the question is that I have to have some issues somewhere then that could be the case. Weakness? Felt good? My wife is older maybe? I should have never got close is the point. Who wouldn't feel good about some young attractive woman telling them how awesome they are? My fault all around but doesn't change how I feel about my wife. That's all I got.

 

I know it's not right. I think the biggest thing is the external stressors included my nephew(who lived with us for a while) committed suicide, my dad almost died, and some drastic changes at work that made me feel that I put waaay too much into work and then found out it's just a business. Felt like I let down the employees under me... and let down my nephew... and let down my parents for not seeing them enough. I have to imagine that stuff and her being there objectively with none of the normal relationship "work" all led to that. I'm a big ole idiot and just thought an Angel was sent my way. Like I said, I get it now, but it's too late.

 

I think I'll be fine with my wife and family, I honestly do. Actually had many talks over the past few weeks about us becoming stronger because we've certainly drifted into a lot of separate things over the past years. I think it's somewhat healthy to have separate interests to some extent but I think we can do better.

[BetrayedH]

You're going to have one giant lie between you; that's what you're going to have.

 

Your wife deserves to know the truth so that she can make an informed decision about how to move forward with the rest of her life. Instead, the one person in life that she is supposed to able to trust implicitly has betrayed her the most and is now going to proceed with lying to her. Are you going to take this to the grave and somehow expect to have a truly intimate relationship with her? Dishonesty has gotten you to this terrible place. Will you continue on that path? Having suffered no consequences, why do you think your behavior will change in the future?

[comeon]

Hi comeon. I'm sorry you're going through this. Not fun, that kind of pain, no matter where you're at in life. Just a wild guess here - Is it possible you were projecting some things onto her? Like, a vague restless desire somewhere deep inside you to recapture the boundless energy & optimism of youth? Figuring out exactly where YOU'RE at may help you let it go. From the sounds of it, it wasn't supposed to happen / not meant to be. You seem to have built a great life with your W and family. Can you be satisfied with that? Only you can answer that question. I wish you all the best.

 

Yeah, I have to believe that's part of it. How many more chances to live like that maybe? I'm very restless and always need something cool on the horizon. I'll keep working with psychologist but I appreciate your comments and anything else you might think of.

[Furious]

You describe this amazing connection with your special friend, who you've known for over a year. You put this woman a pedestal, only to find out that she has a boyfriend who discovered your intimate texts.

 

I would think if you were that close and connected she would have told you about her boyfriend.

 

Ironically, your special friend knew you were married and that didn't seem to stop her from stringing you along and not disclose she had a boyfriend, and who would blame her when you offered her a trip to California and potentially more gifts in the future.

[comeon]

You're going to have one giant lie between you; that's what you're going to have.

 

Your wife deserves to know the truth so that she can make an informed decision about how to move forward with the rest of her life. Instead, the one person in life that she is supposed to able to trust implicitly has betrayed her the most and is now going to proceed with lying to her. Are you going to take this to the grave and somehow expect to have a truly intimate relationship with her? Dishonesty has gotten you to this terrible place. Will you continue on that path? Having suffered no consequences, why do you think your behavior will change in the future?

 

That's interesting. My psychologist, who knows every detail of all of this, actually said she didn't think what happened needed to be told to my wife. She said she thought this was caught before it went too far. She "assessed" every facet of my marriage actually. Seem to think it's solid. I'm actually going to see a new psychologist next week because the old one wasn't under the medical plan... sigh. Perhaps she'll be more on your side.

 

I did tell my wife the day after that I was really depressed about a few things and thought we could be stronger if we started doing more together instead of apart. She agreed. I did go see a different hair stylist last week... hurdle crossed. And my wife actually said "I thought you really liked your other one". I said I did. but nothing more.

 

I think all relationships are different in some ways. My wife took me to a strip club once I bet that's not too common. Not justifying anything, just making a point about how different I see different peoples relationship. I once found her emailing(we have all each other passwords) a younger guy... a former student that was deployed in Afghanistan... told her that I thought this guy was really addicted to her kind words etc... actually I recently thought it was very similar to this stuff but more long distance. She really cared for the guy but thought it was all good. I think some of the same stuff going on. She told him it wasn't right and we moved on. I didn't even see that as a negative spot in our marriage.

 

Anyway, my wife is great. I feel like we've been honest throughout... .more than most I suppose. Hell, no one I know has sniffed 25years together without separation or divorce. I think she knows I've been through a lot this year and wouldn't appreciate the details of this crap. I think we'll be stronger because of it not worse off like you're insinuation. I know more now about all this and if this didn't happen I think you're right... I might have done much worse. If I think I need to cheat in the future and that I don't have a marriage I want to keep I'll just tell her and end it. No more of this stuff for me. Again, I didn't want it... just happened. Naivete and being a weak man is my only defense and I realize that's kinda week.

 

I guess I just keep thinking that I thought I had a friend and I don't see a problem with that. But in hindsight it was something more. Sorry I didn't read all your books about how meaningless and common my connection was. And I'm sorry you can't understand how I love my wife and family and still managed to have a connection to another Human. I love a lot of people.

[comeon]

You describe this amazing connection with your special friend, who you've known for over a year. You put this woman a pedestal, only to find out that she has a boyfriend who discovered your intimate texts.

 

I would think if you were that close and connected she would have told you about her boyfriend.

 

Ironically, your special friend knew you were married and that didn't seem to stop her from stringing you along and not disclose she had a boyfriend, and who would blame her when you offered her a trip to California and potentially more gifts in the future.

 

Yup, that's crossed my mind many times. I certainly did put her on a pedestal. I never asked about the boyfriend. Thought it was odd that she was so attractive and didn't have one tho. Again, Hindsight, I don't think I wanted to know. Funny thing is you're 100% right but I can't seem to go negative on her. What the hell is that? I rationalize that she's younger and I trapped her with my charm... all my fault. I should have had more control

 

I also think it's odd how powerful only a few months with only 4 meetings... 1 lunch... 1 meet at concert... 1 help me pick glasses... and 1 meet for drinks... made that much of an impact. That's less than 10 hours.

 

Anyway, thanks for the comments.

Edited October 30, 2012 by comeon

[Furious]

Yup, that's crossed my mind many times. I certainly did put her on a pedestal. I never asked about the boyfriend. Thought it was odd that she was so attractive and didn't have one tho. Again, Hindsight, I don't think I wanted to know. Funny thing is you're 100% right but I can't seem to go negative on her. What the hell is that? I rationalize that she's younger and I trapped her with my charm... all my fault. I should have had more control

 

I also think it's odd how powerful only a few months with only 4 meetings... 1 lunch... 1 meet at concert... 1 help me pick glasses... and 1 meet for drinks... made that much of an impact. That's less than 10 hours.

 

Anyway, thanks for the comments.

 

 

 

Truth is, she's not a naive 18 year old, she's 30 and maybe it wasn't your charm but the $$$$ that probably charmed her. She knew you were married, she knew enough to not tell you about her boyfriend. If anyone was played it was you.

[Minnie09]

We all want to be "good" persons, but don't fool yourself into believing that you are the good guy with a solid marriage, just because nothing "serious" happened. You would've gone just as far as your "friend" would have let you. She was forced to stop it, because she got caught, and she made a decision against you and in favor of the bf. this wasn't your decision by any means. This just happened to you and it stopped you. Your choice was a different one, and it would have included a full-blown affair with everything that comes with it: romance, secret phone calls, drama, great sex, intimacy, the longing, the pining, etc.

 

I don't believe for one second that you wouldn't have taken advantage of the situation if the circumstances had been different. Now you're saying it was all too much, big mistake and whatnot. Is that genuine? I don't buy it. She broke it off. It wasn't your choice. You went out of your way to impress her, pay for her, give her gifts etc. and she gladly took it. That's not a friendship. That's courtship. Be honest.*

 

Friendship is different. She wouldn't have lied to you if she had been a friend. You wouldn't have lied to your wife if she had been a friend. You know all that and you knew it then. I'm sure about that. Now you and your W have a lie between you that will be there forever. I understand that you don't want to tell her and be open about it. Just be aware of the fact that this is the perfect breeding ground for more lies and secrets, more extramarital fun and intimacy. It was so easy the first time, it came oh so naturally and effortlessly. We just "clicked" and I didn't want all that. Oh, it just happened. We were a unique match. Trust me, this made you feel so good and manly, you will be craving more of it very soon. If not with the hairdresser, then it's going to be with someone else. But I bet it's going to be the hairdresser. She loved your attention and generosity (who would say no to a free trip to Cali? *- oh wait, a person with boundaries maybe?), and you loved her attention and the fact that she was young, sexy and interested. I'm sure this "friendship" is not over yet, unless the bf gave her a very harsh wake-up call. Good luck!

[Waytoblue]

I'm not going to rip into you either.No,it is not a good idea to just be friends if you'd like to stay married,enjoy your children and eventually Grandchildren.I am close to your age,slightly older,my husband is in his 5th decade.Hard to age isn't it?Even when you are in the best shape of your life.I'm sure you know as I and many know at that age any physical ability to attract or feel attractive is coming to an end sooner than later.

 

And here we are in relationships that have become comfortable,same ol,same ol.

Then some younger person comes along and breaths life into our ego and excites.Then comes yearning to leave what is currently had for a chance to live that excitment and have something new.And the attention....is obviously intoxicating.

 

MY husband has been jerking me around for these same reasons but he fails to realize something....I get bored too,I'd like some attention.I'd like to feel alive BUT i do not use flirtations or cheating to fill those needs.You ever wonder how your wife could be feeling the same?You think there may be someone out there who would view your wife the same way you viewed the hair dresser?

 

Being in your age group I feel comfortable saying this and I' m Not trying to be a jerk but honest.If I was a 30 yr old hair dresser and some man took interest in me who had it going on in the financial department?I'd be intrigued.Not by the person but by what kind of life could this man provide to me?If married...personally I would not act on it but if he was a single man?Sure.

 

If a relationship would have developed with this young woman ,she would also have had to deal with your kids too eventually...be a stepmom,etc.That by itself would be enough to put a screeching halt to any life of excitement and bring some real hard issues into play.A new set of problems will occur out of that situation alone.

 

She is 30.Still enough youth to have some energy and love of life.At 36 she will then watch you turn 50.She will witness the aging process start to really reveal itself.She will still need plenty of care...you will start to become tired.

 

She will then seek someone who has life and energy to give to her because you can no longer keep up.Do you see where I'm going?She is very attractive and still young enough to leave you,the issues your previous life will bring to her life and she will have much opportunity to find something not as complicated else where.So,be glad it ended,grieve it and put it behind you.

 

You need to put the kind of effort you put into this 30 yr old back into your marriage.

Take small steps and do not expect change to happen over night but work toward it.Ask your wife to work toward it.And give your wife a chance.Recognize her effort when she makes it.

 

Take her out and watch her come alive and enjoy her.Send her some interesting emails and texts,make suggestions to her.Talk about your interests with her and listen to hers.Start sharing you hopes and dreams with each other again.

 

But understand while making more time for all that,real life must still be lived and dealt with.If it's not dealt with,with your wife, you will find yourself dealing with it with someone else.Nothing remains exciting 24/7 forever.Good luck.I hope you and your wife reconnect and what has been lost between you is found again.

[MammaMia]

comeon:

 

Are you my husband?????? If it were not for the age of the lady you got close to, I would say you were my husband. My H's story is so similar to yours and I would have loved to be able to pm you and get some insight that would help me understand his state of mind at that time. I have so much to ask......

[KathyM]

You should purchase the Marriage Fitness course by Mort Fertel. He talks about this very thing--friendships that start out innocently, but become an emotional romantic affair because safeguards were not in place to protect your marriage. He even talks about the intimacy that develops when someone innocently touches you, such as a hairdresser of the opposite sex, and the act of touching a person builds a connection over time. And then, when you start talking about personal things in your life, like you do with a hairdresser, it builds an emotional connection in that way as well. That's why Mort Fertel recommends men only have male barbers or hair stylists, so this connection will not have a chance to develop. It really doesn't work to have female friends when you are married whom you are attracted to. You may think you can do that and be strong, but there's too great of a chance that some feelings will develop, and you shouldn't put yourself in that situation. Now that this has happened, you should do yourself and your marriage a favor and not see this hairstylist again and not contact her again. And do let your wife know that you made the mistake of developing feelings for your hairdresser that you weren't intending, that started as a friendship, and are therefore seeking another hairdresser, since you don't want to jeopardize your marriage. And if your wife wants to know more details about this, be honest with her. She deserves to know the truth. Seek validation from your wife and not from other women if you value your marriage at all, and don't kid yourself into thinking you just wanted to "help" her. You were looking for attention from her, and validation, and that is why you made the overatures that you did.

[BetrayedH]

That's interesting. My psychologist, who knows every detail of all of this, actually said she didn't think what happened needed to be told to my wife. She said she thought this was caught before it went too far. She "assessed" every facet of my marriage actually. Seem to think it's solid. I'm actually going to see a new psychologist next week because the old one wasn't under the medical plan... sigh. Perhaps she'll be more on your side.

 

I did tell my wife the day after that I was really depressed about a few things and thought we could be stronger if we started doing more together instead of apart. She agreed. I did go see a different hair stylist last week... hurdle crossed. And my wife actually said "I thought you really liked your other one". I said I did. but nothing more.

 

I think all relationships are different in some ways. My wife took me to a strip club once I bet that's not too common. Not justifying anything, just making a point about how different I see different peoples relationship. I once found her emailing(we have all each other passwords) a younger guy... a former student that was deployed in Afghanistan... told her that I thought this guy was really addicted to her kind words etc... actually I recently thought it was very similar to this stuff but more long distance. She really cared for the guy but thought it was all good. I think some of the same stuff going on. She told him it wasn't right and we moved on. I didn't even see that as a negative spot in our marriage.

 

Anyway, my wife is great. I feel like we've been honest throughout... .more than most I suppose. Hell, no one I know has sniffed 25years together without separation or divorce. I think she knows I've been through a lot this year and wouldn't appreciate the details of this crap. I think we'll be stronger because of it not worse off like you're insinuation. I know more now about all this and if this didn't happen I think you're right... I might have done much worse. If I think I need to cheat in the future and that I don't have a marriage I want to keep I'll just tell her and end it. No more of this stuff for me. Again, I didn't want it... just happened. Naivete and being a weak man is my only defense and I realize that's kinda week.

 

I guess I just keep thinking that I thought I had a friend and I don't see a problem with that. But in hindsight it was something more. Sorry I didn't read all your books about how meaningless and common my connection was. And I'm sorry you can't understand how I love my wife and family and still managed to have a connection to another Human. I love a lot of people.

 

I think you might be misreading my tone.

 

My point is that there is a lot of naivete in your post. All those people that haven't sniffed 25 years failed in their marriages because of the same trip hazard that you fell into. This isn't resolved easily. And sadly, few counselors are really prepared to deal with infidelity.

 

Try to see past the tone in my post and consider getting that book. It may open your eyes to having more effective boundaries in the future rather than just trusting your own judgment, which at least has to be a little suspect at this point.

 

My motivation here is to see a successful reconciliation between you and your wife. There are remarkable patterns of human behavior at play here. Your story is remarkably textbook. I am saying that you would be wise to comprehend it. You can learn from it. But most waywards, in typical fashion that fits the pattern, will continue on a dishonest path instead (which is ultimately, a core problem in the M). They feel that their punishment should be to carry this burden alone and to "protect their wife" from unnecessary hurt. Have you told yourself this yet?

 

I hope you stick around and just educate yourself on a different perspective. I think you would agree that your wife didn't deserve this. How about studying it some more to ensure you're doing the right thing?

[BetrayedH]

We all want to be "good" persons, but don't fool yourself into believing that you are the good guy with a solid marriage, just because nothing "serious" happened. You would've gone just as far as your "friend" would have let you. She was forced to stop it, because she got caught, and she made a decision against you and in favor of the bf. this wasn't your decision by any means. This just happened to you and it stopped you. Your choice was a different one, and it would have included a full-blown affair with everything that comes with it: romance, secret phone calls, drama, great sex, intimacy, the longing, the pining, etc.

 

I don't believe for one second that you wouldn't have taken advantage of the situation if the circumstances had been different. Now you're saying it was all too much, big mistake and whatnot. Is that genuine? I don't buy it. She broke it off. It wasn't your choice. You went out of your way to impress her, pay for her, give her gifts etc. and she gladly took it. That's not a friendship. That's courtship. Be honest.*

 

Friendship is different. She wouldn't have lied to you if she had been a friend. You wouldn't have lied to your wife if she had been a friend. You know all that and you knew it then. I'm sure about that. Now you and your W have a lie between you that will be there forever. I understand that you don't want to tell her and be open about it. Just be aware of the fact that this is the perfect breeding ground for more lies and secrets, more extramarital fun and intimacy. It was so easy the first time, it came oh so naturally and effortlessly. We just "clicked" and I didn't want all that. Oh, it just happened. We were a unique match. Trust me, this made you feel so good and manly, you will be craving more of it very soon. If not with the hairdresser, then it's going to be with someone else. But I bet it's going to be the hairdresser. She loved your attention and generosity (who would say no to a free trip to Cali? *- oh wait, a person with boundaries maybe?), and you loved her attention and the fact that she was young, sexy and interested. I'm sure this "friendship" is not over yet, unless the bf gave her a very harsh wake-up call. Good luck!

 

Quoted for truth.

[BetrayedH]

A wise friend of mine would say that you can't buy the kind if advice you're getting here (even if you disregard my posts altogether).

[BeholdtheMan]

I don't see what good would come from me admitting what I did. I just don't want to go back there.

Can I ask you a very simple question? I hope you'll answer honestly, if not on this board then at least to yourself

 

If your wife had betrayed you in a similar manner, would you want her to hide the truth from you, letting you remain an ignorant cuckold for the rest of your life, or would you want her to tell you?

 

By continuing to keep your wife in the dark, you're disrespecting her right to make informed decisions concerning her life (whether she wants to keep her cheating husband).

 

Who are you to decide what's best for her? She's an adult woman, not a little girl.

 

Neither are you a little boy anymore. You're a MAN. A man faces the consequences of his actions. A man isn't afraid to tell the truth. You made the most solemn vows of loyalty to your wife at the wedding altar. You've betrayed those vows.

 

Please grow a pair of balls and confess your mistakes. It's the least you can do for her now.

 

When I see you type

I don't see what good would come from me admitting what I did.

what I actually see is "I don't see what good to me would come from me admitting what I did"

[Waytoblue]

Comeon,you do realize you were buying this woman's attention,right?I reread your posts.The attention you were getting from the hair dresser was definately not about you and it wasn't deep on her end(except deep pockets).Sorry but by what you wrote that's what I get out of it.

 

Also,other things stood out in your post.

 

Your wife was helping a young man stationed in Afghanistan.You started feeling threatened and suggested the soldier was feeding off her words.She stopped and then you say you all moved on.But you didn't ,did you?Do you think it is possible you turned to the hair dresser bc the soldier incident bruised you?So you set out to get some attention for yourself?

 

Also this desire to help people.Is it really a desire to help people? Or because by doing so you get some kind of pay off emotionally. Or to feel your core is really good and pure not only because you want it to be but it's what you desire to project to the world.Co dependancy...can also cause this desire to help.It is not about help,it is about control.So things will be as you wish it to be.I agree with Minnie,your intention was not to help the hair dresser.It was to help yourself.

 

I just wanted to add that because I feel for your wife.And it is not a good feeling for anyone to realize they have had the wool pulled over their eyes and made a fool of.To look back and replay all the signs ignored.

 

One last thing,I am in no way labeling you,diagnosing you or accusing you.But it takes a certain level of narcissism to feel sad for yourself, because it ended with the young woman,to feel sad for your "friend" because of what she may be feeling(apparently that she loves/wants her boyfriend)yet not feel sad for your wife who remains in the dark to the condition of her marrriage.And the fact she has been decieved.Your wife is the one who deserves your sadness and remourse...for her...as opposed to yourself.Or your "friend"who is obviously busy fixing the relationship with her man and probably has had not one thought of what you feel.

[Mr. Lucky]

I guess I just keep thinking that I thought I had a friend and I don't see a problem with that. But in hindsight it was something more. Sorry I didn't read all your books about how meaningless and common my connection was. And I'm sorry you can't understand how I love my wife and family and still managed to have a connection to another Human. I love a lot of people.

Comeon, which scenario would be harder for you to accept:

 

1). Your wife has too much to drink at an office party and has a one-night stand with a co-worker for whom she has no real feelings.

 

2). Your wife develops a strong emotional connection with a friend with whom she falls deeply in love.

 

Which one's a greater threat to your marriage ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Tara247]

Comeon, what do you think is missing from your marriage? Something is.

[woinlove]

 

I also think it's odd how powerful only a few months with only 4 meetings... 1 lunch... 1 meet at concert... 1 help me pick glasses... and 1 meet for drinks... made that much of an impact. That's less than 10 hours.

 

 

How many hours you spent thinking about her is probably more relevant to the feelings you developed. Since you seem more concerned with her feelings than your W's, I would guess you focussed more of your intimate thoughts on this woman than on your W. Maybe you took your W for granted during that time.

 

Do you still think often about this woman? And, if so, doesn't that suggest your M is not that strong? A strong M is actively maintained by both spouses, day by day, and if your energy has been else where and kept secret, I don't see how a strong M has been maintained.

 

As for being friends, she has made it clear that she wants to repair her relationship with her boyfriend and can't have contact with you. You should respect that. She betrayed the trust of her boyfriend, he found out, and then she realized what she was risking and made her decision of what was more important to her. Her boyfriend. No she can't be friends with you because you are the person she betrayed her boyfriend with and she hurt him, but she wants to be with him and he with her. She made that clear. True friends don't cause such hurtful rifts between partners, but affair partners often do. It is very common to rationalize that you just want (often really, really want) to be friends when what you really want is to keep the emotional affair going. Once you truly get over the romantic attachment (if you do) then you will see that.

Edited October 30, 2012 by woinlove