Together for 21years and she had sex with someone else.. how do i move forward?

October 29, 2012

Cutting to the chase here so as not to bore anyone... a workmate of hers was someone only too keen to listen to her during her lowest ebb, and after going back to his flat, had sex with him... i found out (apparently it was a couple of months ago i'm told), but she is now also broken, seeing how destroyed myself and our children are. I needed to know about the intricate details of the sex act.. don't know why just wanted to hurt myself even more i guess. Now all i have going through my head is her lying there with her legs open.. and it's killing me..

I know that i've been far from perfect.. i've had a very short fuse for a number of months and would fly off the handle sometimes over nothing.. one night i had a go at her and drove her to her lowest (unbeknown to me at the time) and this is when this 'friend' was only too keen to sort her out.

When i phoned him Saturday night and threatened to end his time on this planet he got defensive and started texting her... saying he's worried about her, and that he wants her and how he will treat her right.. she's ignored him and after me saying there's no hope as long as he keeps trying to contact her, she's phoned him to say that she loves us all deeply and needs to sort us, her family out.

He's said that he'll find another job.. but what do i do now? She won't speak to me because she knows i'm broken.. and she doesnt look altogether happy herself either.. i don't know how to try to make this work, i want to touch her, but know where her hands have been..

I simply dont know what to do.

I've been to the doctors today about my health and am being referred to a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist...

Please Help me... our family lies shattered in front of me..

October 29, 2012

Well, first off. The reason that you want to know the details is because your mind is playing a cruel trick on you. It's called mind movies.

Now, some folks don't want to know any details at all! Just the fact that they know something happened is more than enough for them. However, there are some that need to know. Because they don't know exactly what happened, the mind wanders and starts filling the empty gaps with "mind movies" to try and make sense of it all. Problem is, these mind movies change to different scenario's. Thinking that some of what you think isn't really that bad, to some mind movies that would make a hooker blush. So, some need the truth (as painful as it may be) so they can plug the data in their heads and try to get the mind movies to stop.

Okay, you're taking some of the blame and that's good. You know where you went wrong. BUT!!!! That doesn't justify her cheating on you. You can be blamed for 50% of the problems in your relationship and she can own up to the other 50%. But, her cheating on you was 100% on her. You're actions didn't cause her to sleep with someone else. She made a choice. So, that wasn't your fault.

What you really need is to get into marriage counseling. However, you need to do your homework and you have to find a marriage counselor that specializes in infidelity. (if you want to go this route). If you go to any run-of-the-mill MC, then they'll tell you that her cheating was entirely your fault. "she cheated, because you put up an emotional wall." or "she cheated because of the mental abuse that you've caused her." or " she cheated because you've deminished her self worth." crap like that....blah...blah...Very Oprah/ Dr. Phil BS. The fact is she cheated because she wanted to cheat. So, you would need to find an MC that knows the difference.

October 29, 2012

thats tough. i really dont know what to tell you, my ex girlfriend left me for her coworker and she 'kissed' him so i understand what you say about wanting to touch her but after you know some other man was there you just cant do it without feeling disgusted. My ex now regrets doing this also, but i guess people just sometimes do things without thinking too much about them and forgetting how much they are hurting the people that love them, forgeting things cant get undone. Its a life lesson. I wish the best for you and your family.

November 2, 2012

It's nearly a week since the discovery and things are all upside down. She's all remorseful, teary, trying to just give me what i want.. but whenever i get whatever i think i want, i realise it hasn't made me feel any better... for example, we've had sex twice this week, and both times my memories have started off again straight away... and i feel bad again. I thought getting the intimate part going again would cure the problem but it hasn't. She's had text messages from another guy thats a work friend, and even they're a bit too flirtatious... i've told her this and she maintains that it's a joke that she has.. but she knows that she'd think the same if it was the other way around..

She hasn't had contact with the 'other guy' since i found out, except for telling him on phone that it's all over with and that she loves me and the family more than anything.. but he still texted her...

As for her work she's told them anyway, even though she knows that she could have been fired.. she said that she knows that the family would never be happy with her seeing him again even at work, so said she'd have to leave.. they don't want her to.

I don't know what to do about this mess.. whenever i've had a problem i've spoken to her about it... now she's the problem and i just can't handle this...

... I know that she's trying now to build the family back up as best as she can, but my 17yr old son has gone all quiet, my daughter (9) just plays video games and barely speaks and I'M THE MAN OF THE HOUSE WHO'S SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT AGAIN...

Please help someone.. i just don't think i can handle this...

November 2, 2012

Two words: Marital Counseling.

That is the only thing that may give you guys a shot at redeeming this relationship. Unless this happens, there is honestly no hope here.

I highly suggest you take your original post and head straight to:

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for Those Affected by Infidelity

That is the forum where you belong. There are helpful documents, step by step guides, plans, tips, and hundreds of people who have been and who are exactly where you are.

You say you're the man of the house, but welcome to infidelity. The only person who is in control of anything being fixed here, is your wife. She needs to start doing A LOT of things. A LOT of things beyond her crocodile tears and words of remorse. That site will tell you all you need to know.

November 2, 2012

Thanks for that KatZee... i'm really grateful for your advise and link.. i've registered on there now.. wish me luck

November 2, 2012

... I know that she's trying now to build the family back up as best as she can, but my 17yr old son has gone all quiet, my daughter (9) just plays video games and barely speaks and I'M THE MAN OF THE HOUSE WHO'S SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT AGAIN...

Please help someone.. i just don't think i can handle this...

It's not your job to make everything right again!!! She cheated on you! She cheated on the family! It's HER JOB to do the heavy lifting. You did nothing wrong. Okay, you can be blamed for 50% of the problems in your marriage and she can be blamed for the other 50%. But her cheating is 100% on her. You didn't ask for that. She made a choice.

November 2, 2012

Did you tell your kids about this?

November 2, 2012

She's had text messages from another guy thats a work friend, and even they're a bit too flirtatious... i've told her this and she maintains that it's a joke that she has.. but she knows that she'd think the same if it was the other way around...

Did you find these text messages? It's a joke? And pigs fly.

And then having sex with her already? Blech. It's a message that all is well and that her behavior is accepted and tolerated. Sex doesn't fix the problem.

I'm sorry but you say you should be man of the house but seems like you'll lay like a doormat to get her back. Infidelity is infidelity. It doesn't matter how long you have been with each other. It doesn't justify forsaking your self-respect.

November 2, 2012

I love mind movies....

I too need all the details, every nitty gritty one so i can try and make the movie end.

Well, first off. The reason that you want to know the details is because your mind is playing a cruel trick on you. It's called mind movies.

Now, some folks don't want to know any details at all! Just the fact that they know something happened is more than enough for them. However, there are some that need to know. Because they don't know exactly what happened, the mind wanders and starts filling the empty gaps with "mind movies" to try and make sense of it all. Problem is, these mind movies change to different scenario's. Thinking that some of what you think isn't really that bad, to some mind movies that would make a hooker blush. So, some need the truth (as painful as it may be) so they can plug the data in their heads and try to get the mind movies to stop.

Okay, you're taking some of the blame and that's good. You know where you went wrong. BUT!!!! That doesn't justify her cheating on you. You can be blamed for 50% of the problems in your relationship and she can own up to the other 50%. But, her cheating on you was 100% on her. You're actions didn't cause her to sleep with someone else. She made a choice. So, that wasn't your fault.

What you really need is to get into marriage counseling. However, you need to do your homework and you have to find a marriage counselor that specializes in infidelity. (if you want to go this route). If you go to any run-of-the-mill MC, then they'll tell you that her cheating was entirely your fault. "she cheated, because you put up an emotional wall." or "she cheated because of the mental abuse that you've caused her." or " she cheated because you've deminished her self worth." crap like that....blah...blah...Very Oprah/ Dr. Phil BS. The fact is she cheated because she wanted to cheat. So, you would need to find an MC that knows the difference.

November 2, 2012

No... i made her face them and tell them.. she only had to say that she'd been seeing another man.. my (17yr old) son filled in the blanks but my daughter's just concerned about us splitting up

November 2, 2012

There's no laying about it.. we just both don't know what to do to fix it.. i keep having it go round my head, and she can't turn back the clock so we're in stalemate...

She 'did it' because i made her at her lowest ebb... and i can believe that... i did keep having a go at her which is why i've seen a doc and am being referred to a specialist..

geeGirl... i'm sorry to have to admit this... but had you seen me and been as equally attentive as this guy has i'd have probably done the same thing... ((((

She's told her employer who's said that as 'nothing happened' at work, and the place she works is so small, that they WILL be expected to work together. They've even given her a letter outlying the fact. This WONT work with me and the kids though.. so she'll be forced to leave...

Tonight has been very sombre... i'm still all over the place.. she's 'thinking' about what can be done (while playing with the daughter on the Nintendo) and everythings all mixed up and upside down...

i don't know what to do... i know you say 20 years is irrelevant and it's easy to say but very hard to just chuck away...

Thanks for your reply though... i need every angle that i can to look at

November 2, 2012

No... i made her face them and tell them.. she only had to say that she'd been seeing another man.. my (17yr old) son filled in the blanks but my daughter's just concerned about us splitting up

Way to execute your children emotionally. They're toast now. You keep **** like this locked up between your SO, yourself, and people you are seeking help from, like this board.

Kids have no idea how to deal with this. Look at you, you are older then them and you dont even know how to cope with this situation. How are your kids suppose to cope if their father doesnt know how to cope.

You are suppose to lead by example by being the "MAN" and you are failing miserably. I do empathize with what you are going through but leave the kids out of it. Stop punishing your kids for their mother's crime and yours.

My opinion, you need a TIME OUT to get your head on straight. You are in full panic mode and making 0 rational decisions.

Also look at getting help for your kids too. They are going to have issues from this

November 2, 2012

geeGirl... i'm sorry to have to admit this... but had you seen me and been as equally attentive as this guy has i'd have probably done the same thing... ((((

There is no excuse for cheating. I've been in a similar marriage.

If there is a problem in the marriage, you communicate it to your partner and you fix it. If it can't get fixed, then you step away from it and you move on and seek better.

You're basically saying that cheating is justified, acceptable and tolerated when there are problems in the marriage. What happens the next time things get rough? What happens when she deems attention is lacking regardless of what you believe? Cheat? Flirt with other men? I'm sorry but that's a cop out.

You're bargaining. Trying to brainwash yourself into believing it was your fault hoping that will minimize what she did.

Edited November 2, 2012 by geegirl

November 2, 2012

Christ almighty, some people on here! Chastising the person seeking advice gets him nowhere, he's looking for support!

I wouldn't have told the children either, but it's done now, in the heat of a lot of hurt and upset.

So, from now, a time away from her might help you gain some perspective. Then if you want to try, marriage counselling is a must. She's shown remorse, wants her family back and wants you...do you want her? If you do, you need to calm down and get the clarity needed to move forward.

Awful situation, I wish you luck.

November 2, 2012

I wouldn't have told the children either, but it's done now, in the heat of a lot of hurt and upset.
.

Yes, i told the kids partly because they'd have seen and heard that there was something seriously wrong.. and that the kids held her (as i did) on the highest pedestal, never capable of hurting us like this. Yes, they broke... my daughter still loves her though of course. My son is just trying not to think about it.. he's probably better than me at the moment...

Way to execute your children emotionally. They're toast now. You keep **** like this locked up between your SO, yourself, and people you are seeking help from, like this board.

Kids have no idea how to deal with this. Look at you, you are older then them and you dont even know how to cope with this situation. How are your kids suppose to cope if their father doesnt know how to cope.

You are suppose to lead by example by being the "MAN" and you are failing miserably. I do empathize with what you are going through but leave the kids out of it. Stop punishing your kids for their mother's crime and yours.

My opinion, you need a TIME OUT to get your head on straight. You are in full panic mode and making 0 rational decisions.

Also look at getting help for your kids too. They are going to have issues from this
.

I deserved that and you're right....

My moods and thoughts are swinging too and fro at the moment.. not only with what happened but with what will happen in the immediate future.. her job, my emotions, the kids etc..

So, from now, a time away from her might help you gain some perspective. Then if you want to try, marriage counselling is a must. She's shown remorse, wants her family back and wants you...do you want her? If you do, you need to calm down and get the clarity needed to move forward.

Awful situation, I wish you luck.

I can't bear to leave her.. despite what she's done she's a sensitive soul and i'm worried she'll do something silly.. We've been to Relate and are awaiting our first full session.. I'm going to a Therapist.

Calming down is hard though... yes i do want her and i'd give anything for clarity at the minute...

Keep it coming guys... you seem to be the only support i have at the moment and i so wish you were near for me to have around me

November 2, 2012

Keep it coming guys... you seem to be the only support i have at the moment and i so wish you were near for me to have around me

Have you posted on the Surviving Infidelity site yet? What you need now is comfort and a serious plan, and I'm not saying the people here won't give solid help or advice, but the people over there are going to be able to relate to you on a deeper and stronger level b/c they have been and are where you are. You stated a second time you don't know what to do... you need to be reading the 180 guide, you need to be reading up on the glossary to know there are terms for how your wife is acting... you need to be prepared for everything right now.

November 2, 2012

Too much Black and White views on this thread. Too much closed mindness.

I would be pretty amazed if anyone that has replied to you has been together 21 years with the same partner. If that is the case how can they (or me) advise or comfort you? If I were to agree with anyone I would agree with what Katzee said.

Rebuilding trust will be enormously hard. I couldn't even tell you where to start. If I were attempt to advise you, I would try to figure out if I could forgive my partner and not forever torture her. If I could I would try cousenlling. If I couldn't I would leave. How I would get to that decision having never walked in your shoes or trying to picture myself in your shoes....I have no idea buddy..

November 2, 2012

Too much Black and White views on this thread. Too much closed mindness.

I would be pretty amazed if anyone that has replied to you has been together 21 years with the same partner. If that is the case how can they (or me) advise or comfort you? If I were to agree with anyone I would agree with what Katzee said.

Rebuilding trust will be enormously hard. I couldn't even tell you where to start. If I were attempt to advise you, I would try to figure out if I could forgive my partner and not forever torture her. If I could I would try cousenlling. If I couldn't I would leave. How I would get to that decision having never walked in your shoes or trying to picture myself in your shoes....I have no idea buddy..

This is exactly what I'm trying to say. This is not the forum for you to be looking for advice OP. Most people on here aren't going through what you are, but if you head over to SI you'll see marriage upwards of 30+ years being torn apart because of this. There are very seasoned veterans of affairs over there. THOSE people know exactly what you're going through, what you're feeling, and there isn't such a sharp black and white mentality, there is no attacking, no judgment... just loads and loads of people who know how utterly horrible it is to be affected with this after investing years, after having children, homes, mortgages, etc.

November 3, 2012

thanks Katzee. I registered last night with same username as on here but didn't receive a verification email. So i cant log on. I've tried reregistering but I'm not getting verification emails through... if i use the same username it rejects as it says its been used.

... looks like im on my own

November 3, 2012

It appears to be very broken.. When i registered it didn't send a validation email...

So i tried again, and it said the username was taken...

So i tried to log in, and it said that the username didn't exist..

So i tried 'forgot password' and it said that username didn't exist..

Si i've tried setting up another username.... no validation mail and the same problem again

November 3, 2012

try registering through another computer..Good luck mate we are all here to support you

TD

November 3, 2012

i've not got another computer... i'll try using firefox... is there anyone over there with access to make it right?

November 3, 2012

No it's not working.. i've emailed them but they haven't replied.. is it all above board?

November 3, 2012

No it's not working.. i've emailed them but they haven't replied.. is it all above board?

Dear I know u are restless at the moment. Relax, if u are not getting into infidility.com at the moment, u can discuss ur issues here too. Its not like age problem or ur long term relation will make any difference in our discussions. Moreover advice and comfort can be provided by someone younger too, its not necessary that all old folks can only solve ur issues, sometimes younger ppl can also suggest u wiser things like CptSaveAho did.

Now regarding ur situation, which is also similar to the one faced by my own elder brother, I can also suggest u to keep patience. Atleast ur wife is trying hard to get u back. Wats being done is done. But seeing ur posts I have found that u too love her. In 21 years of relation she might have handled ur various issues, I know u did not caused her face anything like this, but considering the duration of ur relation and keeping in mind the fact that u ppl have already spend a whole lot of beautiful life moments together, I think u need to take all this stuff patiently. No doubt, u can seek suggestio frm the sites suggested by few members here and also u should seek counselling, but most importantly its only u and ur wife, who can save you from all this.

From my heart I am saying, that dont loose hope. Give ur wife one chance, its not like nobody commits mistakes in life. I know what she did at this time was seriously awfull, but if u keep on dragging the problems in between u, u both will never be able to live happily ever, even if u guys split up.

Dont giveup, u had a perfect life and perfect family, dont ruin it. Its tough but keep faith on urself, be forgiving to ur wife only once and for last time. Ur kids are innocent and they have spent so many years seeing u going together happily. U can do it again. And kindly, dont involve them again in this issue. Try to figure out things on ur own.

I know u can do it, time will heal everything, if ur wife is truely seeking apology from u, give her last chance.

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Together for 21years and she had sex with someone else.. how do i move forward?

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