Am I being stupid?

[confused_25]

Hi there,

Just want some feedback! Basically I got with me ex just before I turned 18 and he was 18, we were together for 7 years, went to separate universities etc but lived down the road from each other at home. He cheated on me with the first few weeks at uni, about 5 months into the relationship, he told me straight away and I forgave him. Throughout the whole time we were at uni and up until about the last year of the relationship he would message other girls via text and facebook basically telling them what he wanted to do to them and a lot of flirting. He never told me about this, I always found out. Whenever I raised it he would apologise and some excuse would be made and it would be brushed under the carpet, and he would promise he would never do it again etc. I realise now I was just daft and was afraid of losing him.

About a year and a half ago he started telling me how he wanted to see me having sex with other men and maybe join in. I had only ever been with him and it freaked me out, I had never cheated on him. I reacted badly and ended up kissing and cuddling with another man in a tent on a hockey tour I went on. I felt awful and scared after and didn't tell him. When drunk I told him half the story and said I just kissed a guy, and basically lied to him for about a year until I told him the truth.

So we broke up about 4-5 months ago when we were 25 after being on 'breaks' prior to that for a few months. He called the breakup because he couldn't forgive me. Obviously I understand I shouldn't have lied. Anyway I kept begging him to give it a chance but he wouldn't. So we broke up for good. He decided to start seeing someone he knew prior to our break up pretty much straight away, which obviously hurt a lot.

Right so the bit I want to know if I'm being stupid on.....I've basically now had a lot of drunken nights and slept with 4 different men since breaking up. I met up with one of them, went round to his house once, and I have now met up with a guy I met a couple of weeks ago as well. I know what I am doing won't help me and I don't want to sleep around. I think it's a bad reaction and a case of being with no one else as an adult and I need to get it out my system. My ex keeps 'finding out' and calling me disgusting etc etc. Is what I'm doing really not a normal reaction to a long term relationship ending? My ex has told me he loves me and wants me back and he realises his mistakes. He's just told me today he's had atypical depression for 10 years and has tried to kill himself 6 times but he has never told anyone (including me!) and says that explains a lot of why he did things.

Anyway is what I'm doing really bad or is it a typical reaction? I like having no strings attached and not having to have anything expected of me...I am using them as much as they are me. Sorry this is so long...a lot to explain!

[flitzanu]

why is it any of your ex's business what you're doing, and why do you care?

[pteromom]

I would not go back to your ex. He sounds like he has a lot of issues he needs to work on before he's ready for a mature relationship.You don't wanna go back to that mess.

 

It's none of his business what you are doing. You need to tell him that if he calls you names or is rude to you due to your choices for your life, that you are gonna go No Contact on him.

 

If what you are doing makes you happy and works for you, keep doing it. You don't need anyone's approval. However - be safe! If you are going to random guys' homes, it's only a matter of time until something bad happens to you. And make sure you use condoms.

[rubberduck]

Normal rebound reaction. I went through it too... just be safe xxx and ignore your ex xxx

[confused_25]

Well I think I made it worse by meeting up with him trying to be friends etc. and obviously at different stages when I thought I wanted to see how things would go but then realised that I didn't. I guess that's my fault but I did tell him I didn't know what I wanted and getting back together wasn't the right thing.

[warm_at_heart]

This is a really hard one. I had a 4 1/2 year relationship that ended when I kissed a work colleague at our christmas party, I came clean and he broke our engagement off. I still have regrets to this day. Within 3 months I had slept with another guy and within 6 months 3 guys. I still regret it to this day. I was of the opinion that they would help me get over this failed relationship and that I was 'using them'. In the end I've worked out after a lot of soul searching that there are very few of us women who can manage that. We're sensitive souls, it took a long time for me to snap out and realise what had happened but resulted in me feeling very low for a long period of time and attending counseling - how did I do this to my body that I had been blessed with, what had i done to my reputation. My ex found out about 2 of the occasions and (wrongly) concluded that our love hadn't been what I had made it out to be. It probably meant we would never be together again.

 

Where are your friends in all this? You need someone to look out for you on nights out and ensure this doesn't continue to happen.

 

I've managed to move on since, just about. It hasn't been easy and sometimes I do still get pains of the lack of self respect that I had for that period of time. At the time was it fun, kind of, I was drunk, it seemed pressureless, but thn in the morning and for days after, usually when they got bored of me after a couple of weeks, I'd hate myself, and regret losing what I had.

 

An interesting thing I do notice is that his behaviour is demonized, but yours is justified by his three some desires?

 

You need to make a choice love, if he isn't the one for you, you have to move on, no friends nothing. If he could be the one for you, well I made a terrible error in not working hard enough to preserve the relationship I had, and to this day I've found it very difficult to reconcile myself with that.

Edited October 31, 2012 by warm_at_heart

[confused_25]

Thanks for your reply I appreciate it.

I'm not saying that what I did was right, but as I never even really flirted with another man during our relationship it had a big effect on me. At the end of the day it was my mistake and I hold my hands up to that and have said the same thing to him. His was time and time again after promising never to do it again so that's why it may seem demonized.

 

I understand what you are saying and at the moment I haven't felt regret after, I guess I'm at the experimental stage and as you say liking the attention. However, I don't want to get a reputation and belittle myself so I know that I want to stop doing this and I reckon I can.

 

In terms of working at things, it was me that tried to do this over the months up to the split and in the weeks after and he wanted none of it. He has now held his hands up to what he did and wanted to try work on things. At the moment I don't feel the same and don't feel like I would be able to put the effort in. I guess if it was meant to be then it will happen in the future and if not it may be something I regret but I have to be sure.

[kt1012]

I think what you are doing or have done is normal. You have been with one person and one person only, it is only natural that you want to experience others now that you are single.

 

It is none of his business... He broke up with you!! Does he want you to sit in your room and sulk?

 

JUST BE CAREFUL!!

[warm_at_heart]

I think it is possible to agree with the above posters comments but I suppose it depends what background you are from. Depending on religious, cultural, and sometimes moral obligations, these have a deep and lasting impact on our decisions when it comes to both relationships and actions outside of relationships.

 

Your ex will be hard to get over, if what you do now is helping you to get over him, then perhaps continue. It's terrible that he has found out, it probably means you two will both have to move on properly and with completeness.

 

Ex's always tend to get hurt when they hear about their 'partner' (yes, that unfortunately is how a lot of people will feel about their ex) with somebody else, particularly within a couple of years of a break up after such a period of time together. That you have been with several probably compounds this strange betrayal feeling.

 

Try maybe to focus on sport, less drinking, and more eating healthy, reading books, swimming, socializing without alcohol, all these things help healing. Alcohol, bingeing, and sleeping around did not work for me. You've used the word belittled, my low point was when I overheard his friends talking about me in a bar. We had all been close at one point, socializing together. I found it hard not to agree with some of what they said, and as I've said in a previous post, it was too late to turn the clock back.

 

good luck love with whatever you choose, life is guided by both choices and mistakes.

[warm_at_heart]

Have you managed to improve things love? I do hope.