Problematic situation with ex/best friend

[Southwind]

Hello everyone!

 

I'm currently dealing with a quite heartbreaking and horrible situation I never thought I'd end up in. I've had my share of good and bad relationships and thought I'd know better by now, but it seems that depression and anxiety takes over even the most hardened of us. You might note that our actual relationships are pretty short, but that does not change the fact that we are emotionally connected to each others.

 

So as a quick rundown of our relationship thus far:

 

We have known for a few years and have somewhat interloping social circles. I asked her out about a year ago, but she was seeing someone else and politely refused. I said no hard feelings and forgot about my curiosity about her until this spring, when she quite suddenly asked me out on a date after we ended up talking casually. So we went out a few times, had sex and generally spent quite much time together and talked for hours. We both seemed to feel a whole new level of chemistry between us and we just get incredibly well along (and still do), but when it was time to move into a more serious phase of relationships she called it off, saying she doesn't feel that it would work and doesn't feel the required spark to get into a relationship. As our dating wasn't that serious so it was quite easy for me to recover and move on, after a month of NC we got into talking together and continued as friends, which was surprisingly easy for both of us and I can honestly say that I did not feel that sort of romantic attachment to her during this time of friendship.

 

So we did what friends do, talked occasionally, went out for a coffee to talk general stuff and continued to talk about some deeper subjects too, avoiding our relationship. It was during this time of platonic friendship I actually developed quite deep feelings towards her. I went through a phase of self discovery through her, and grew as a person while spending time with her. The feelings are not just romantic, she is one of my best and most trusted friends thanks to the loyalty and honesty we showed towards each others, talking about all the ups and downs and even of our own dates during the time we were only friends, and we both encouraged each others to go on if we met a nice person but also said if someone looked like bad news. I think I fell in love with her when I got to know her better and really understand what she is and what she means to me.

 

So in the name of our mutual honesty I did a stupid thing and confessed my building romantic attachment to her and she rejected me, which I knew was coming but it still hurt a lot. After that things started spiraling down on an increasing rate. We tried to continue as friends and cut our contact somewhat, but it seems that neither of us can cut the contact enough because we are so used to the other being there for us when needed. I tried NC from my side but she always contacted me. On some level we both feel attracted because even counting my past good relationships I've never felt this good with anyone, even as a friend with no romantic intentions. We just click and we both know it, that's simply it.

 

So we went on and I ended up on a date with another girl. It wasn't anything serious, we went for a cup of coffee and decided together that maybe we aren't clicking that well and that's it. So I tried to continue the level of honesty towards this best friend/ex and told her that I was going on a date, but am not that serious about it, just curious about the other person. I did this because I felt that she had rejected me twice and I was so deeply in the friend zone that I could talk about these things and reassure her that I'm moving on and she doesn't have to be afraid that I'm still after her. What happened next is what started the whole emotional mess I find myself in.

 

She got incredibly jealous about my date. She started texting and facebook chatting to me every day with some weird reasons and tried to keep the conversations flowing for hours like we used to do. So I got pretty tired of being spammed and asked her what was wrong (I didn't realize she was jealous then) and she sort of burst open. She said the idea of me being with any other woman is unbearable and she can't stand it. She feels that she want's to be my number one woman, but still doesn't know if she wants a relationship. At this point I must tell that she has issues stemming from old relationships where she feels she has been used and is not emotionally completely recovered from them and has quite dread fears about relationships in general, dating level is the farthest she says she can go without getting anxious. She also has small issues with sexuality and self confidence which I knew, but they are not the main reason for this.

 

We ended up in a month long discussion loop, where I'd give her time to thing about it, we'd try to talk and ended up in the same "I don't know, I don't feel I'm ready". And this got the worst side of me out. I started pushing the issue and pester her with it, even to the point where I systematically went through all of the options we have and their pro's and con's. I overanalyzed it. And then a month ago we ended up in a relationship and tried working over our issues together, but the relationship didn't feel natural anymore. It was akward and hard for both of us, she felt that her personal space was being violated and I felt like I was pushing it and manipulating her into a relationship. So she broke up with me for a third time, and I was devastated even though I agree that the relationship did not work right now. I feel that the time and emotion I gave to her was thrown away and betrayed. I got angry went through my feelings to her in a long way, she only said I'm sorry and I feel sort of the same way towards you, but we have no other choice than to break up. I took a week of NC to think about our options and decided (together) that we should try to remain friends, just because complete NC is impossible with interloping social circles and we care for each others on a much deeper level than pure romance.

 

Basically the ending comments from her side were "I still care for you and you are one of the most important persons in my life. The idea of you as a partner is not horrible and I have romantic feelings towards you too, but I can't be in a relationship and the anxiety takes over as soon as I think about it, I'm sorry for all the harm I've caused. I don't know what future brings but now its not the right time". And those might sound as cliché comments, but I know her so well as a friend too that I know she is completely serious.

 

It has been hard for the past week. We've been mostly NC, talked shortly about things that were going on before the break up but I'm quite depressed. I don't know what will happen, can we stay friends, should we go NC and what about the feelings and future comment? Is there a chance we will end up in a relationship? Only time will tell and I would like to know the answer now so I can move on in some direction, be it with her or without her. I just wanted to share my story and hear your opinions, maybe even from someone who can relate to this situation

 

This hurts more than any of my former break ups and for some reason I'm completely shattered

 

-S

[CptSaveAho]

Lets see, you pretty much tried to sledgehammer a square peg into a round hole.

 

This is the nice way of saying, you acted like a complete and total douche to her

 

Example 1 of many:

 

You tell her you have deep romantic feelings for her, she shoots you down because you pressured her, then you tell her you are going on a date with another chick... Really? D-Bag Status Big Time

Edited October 30, 2012 by CptSaveAho

[Southwind]

Lets see, you pretty much tried to sledgehammer a square peg into a round hole.

 

This is the nice way of saying, you acted like a complete and total douche to her

 

Example 1 of many:

 

You tell her you have deep romantic feelings for her, she shoots you down because you pressured her, then you tell her you are going on a date with another chick... Really? D-Bag Status Big Time

 

I know, and that is what makes me sad too. It was not intentional, I realized the whole thing afterwards. The thing is that I always have had a problem of prioritizing other peoples feelings and wellbeing before my own, not in a way of life begging and being a shoulder for crying, but being there for a talk anytime and any day. This has to do with the fact that I have very traumatic experiences in my life and want to help others deal with their problems, as I did not get any help back then and know what can happen if someone is left alone. That is why in my mind, even though angry and devastated I only wanted the best for her and did decisions that ended up achieving the complete opposite. This might be hard to believe, but I ended up as an accidental d-bag thanks to trying to solve things that didn't need solving.

 

There was also this problem about my male best friend who gave me some advice about how to deal with the situation. Apparently he hates and despises women and this has been confirmed by our mutual friends. So I did things per his advice I should have not done a d apologized this girl about them, being pushy and all. She understood that I was manipulated somewhat because she knows him too and forgave me, but the damage was done.

 

But yah, no more defending myself here, I know I did wrong things and acted badly, I apologised her and she knows I'm really sorry it and I went that way, and that it was very irrational mirroring to my past break ups. I guess I was just so confused about the mixed messages in "I like you and would want to be with you, but not now" due to my own fragile emotional state and just could not think about it rationally, that is why I ended up talking with other friends for advice. I guess I ****ed up royally.

 

-S

[CptSaveAho]

Right, instead of projecting all your emotional problems onto someone else and looking for a girlfriend, why not get a therapist?

[Southwind]

Right, instead of projecting all your emotional problems onto someone else and looking for a girlfriend, why not get a therapist?

 

I've been in therapy about my past experiences and still doing regular check ups. It took me years to get past the issues and those issues broke one of my longer relationships because she could not handle things of that level and broke herself on my problems. That was a mutual break up and we are still in contact occasionally. I've never projected my issues to relationships, I tend to keep to myself and appear happy even while depressed and that is why I really needed the therapy. Currently I'm somewhat over those things and happier than ever. As part of my therapy I have given lectures about crisis management and working in crisis situations (relates to my profession within security management and risk assesment) and this girl knows exactly what I've been through and my personal issues on mental regeneration level before she asked me out.

 

My problem now in this break up is that I don't act and handle it like I have in the past. I've been broken before and even during the lowest depression I took it better than I now take this. And I don't know what she thinks except for that she cares about me and would possibly want to be with me. So is it my issues or hers, or both that are breaking the relationship even if we care for each others?

 

I'm trying to be as open about everything as I can, I know I need to deal with this and not keep it to myself. Being anonymous is easier for me and I can be more open.

 

-S

[truffelo]

OMG,

 

THIS IS 100 percent my story???

that's strange...

 

It's terrible man

She's in my head 100 percent of the time

[Droplet]

Almost same story here...

 

Best friend of five years, best relationship I've ever had for the last two years, dumps me because I'm "too emotionnal" ( translate too in love with her, and not enough with myself, too clingy ), then isn't sure about her decision, starts spamming my mail and facebook whenever I seem to let go of her.

 

Told her I'm not interested in being "just friends" anymore, she doesn't give a **** and continues writing me every other day.

 

I see no other choice than to cut her out of my life completely until I'm healed. I feel like a douchebag for doing that because I know that she cares about me but I can't stand being in this limbo any longer... I need to see the end of the tunnel, it's been 4 months already.

[ilou]

Man....I see problems if she finds herself in a relationship with another man due to lingering feelings for you. I know you can't just cut her off (and you probably don't want to) as its quite complicated. Good luck.